To not understand attitudes to weddings

[Sarahschuster]

Family member currently planning wedding. She and her partner are fretting about:

Which friend takes on what role and whether this will cause resentment.
Who should pay for the tasteless matching outfits they are insisting people wear.
Seating pans for meal.
How to afford the 20 grand the whole thing is going to cost.
Arguments over who can/can't afford overnight accommodation out of their friends.
What they can get away with demanding in the wayof expensive gifts.
Already predicting which friends will not get them generous enough gifts.

From the evidence of numerous MN threads, this is pretty common. AIBU to wonder what on earth is wrong with people? If you want to make a public commitment together, great. What on earth do endless bridesmaids, groomsmen, hideous outfits, arguments, vast expense etc. have to do with genuine love and commitment? Why would you assume it's ok to put your friends to considerable expense to affirm your love and comittment? Why would you not have a simple ceremony, dinner down the pub and use the money for something real rather than one desperately attention seeking day that will cause you more stress than it does pleasure?

[Stinklebell]

It wasn't so much the expense with ours, it was the organising that stressed me out.

We wanted a fun, laid back wedding that didn't put our guests out too much and made sure it didn't cost them a fortune to come and that they were well fed and well looked after.

A lot of it we did on the cheap

Farmer friend let us have his field for nothing, some guests pitched tents there overnight as well
Another friend had a marquee company and didn't charge for the hire
Borrowed chairs and tables from the village hall for a £ donation
My mum used to make wedding dresses so she made mine for nothing
No fancy suits
Florist friend did my bouquet for the price it cost for the flowers
Made my own wedding cake
Another friend is in a band who did a couple of hours for nothing, then we just used CDs
We did our own decorations, made table cloths from fabric we bought cheaply directly from a mill, bought a load of large church candles and fairy lights cheaply from eBay and a local rummage shop

Bought a load of booze from cash and carry and convinced the manager to let us have it on sale and return not that any of it actually got returned

I bought a job lot of cheap wellies from eBay in case the field was muddy instead having favours, we begged a local hotel for cheap B&B rates for people who wanted to stay overnight, laid on minibuses between the registry office and marquee and back to the hotel

We had an amazing day - went on until about 6am, and our wedding is remembered fondly by friends and family but it was really stressful to organise and we still managed to unintentionally offend people - MiL hated the whole day and doesn't waste any opportunity to tell me so, even now 12 years later

[pinkdelight]

You sound v sociable Ida. For some, only a handful of that 100 would genuinely be nearest and dearest. Personally I like one-to-one 'proper' conversations and am rubbish at chat and sociable smalltalk, so even a dinner party sized group does my head in, and kids parties are hell on earth! Obviously I didn't have a wedding party, just got married, but more generally there are people who love the idea of parties and being the centre of attention on their big day, and others who aren't so keen but go along with it because it's expected of them. Sometimes you might get one partner who wants the big wedding and the other who doesn't and usually I get the impression the big wedding person wins out and the other endures it.

[SleepPleaseSleep]

I am mostly with you: I certainly had the quieter type of wedding, only expense was the meal down the pub afterwards. Our friends loved it, my mum was less impressed (but her opinions are of low value to me as she never approved of anything I do and am!)

I wonder if any research has been done into the relative incidence of divorce among those who had the big v the quiet weddings?

Generally though if people have got more money than sense and want to waste it stressing on a big event rather than focussing on what's important, it has to be up to them!

[MostWicked]

I cannot bear it when the wedding becomes more important than the marriage.

And if you can't afford it (without a loan, gifts, selling stuff etc) then don't do it!

[meganorks]

We are having a big wedding this year. For us we always said we would have to have a big wedding as DPs family is massive and quite close. I have been invited to all family weddings since we started going out at uni. And they have always been very generous to us, helping us out with furniture when we got a house, gifts for the babies etc. So once we have family and friends its a lot of people.

I had no intention of spending £20K but it seems that what we want for the numbers of people we have, thats probably what it will cost.

The venue is the biggest cost. We wanted somewhere with accommodation as we will have a 1 and 3 year old who at some point (hopefully!) will want to sleep. And we liked the idea of somewhere with exclusive use just for us and out guests. We did look at a couple of hotel options. One was gorgeous in a picturesque part of country 1.5 hrs from where we live. Would have saved us several thousand pounds over our venue. But no one lives nearby and all guests would have to travel and rooms were really expensive. Plus many places would only take room bookings for 2 nights. So while we would have saved money all our guests would have to fork out loads.

Other areas we could save money didn't appeal:
want a Saturday as other days harder for gusts who have to use their holiday for a day off.
Want a 3 course meal as we love our food
Want drinks and canapees as hate standing around for hours being hungry
Paying for bridesmaid outfits - don't think its route or them to do it.

I do planning to make some stuff myself and save money where I can but I don't have any handy wedding related friends who I can get to provide things free or cheap so its either diy or pay up.

[Joysmum]

Maybe it's just me, but I happen to like and respect the people who's weddings I have been invited to. Whilst their choices have been what they have wanted for themselves, I fully appreciate that this is a day to have what they want.

Tbh, if anyone is going to be so rude and lack empathy with that then I feel sorry for the bride and groom because they are clearly forking out to host somebody that doesn't deserve to be their day!

[Littleen]

Can understand some of it - if you wish to have people from far away you have to consider accommodation. You also want them to have a good time so it's worth their time and effort. Also you want people to be able to sit with others that they can enjoy talking to! Roles of some guests is a big deal, as some can be very upset if their role is less than they feel appropriate aka "I would want you to be my main bridesmaid, but I'm just an evening guest at yours".

I've not got married or engaged yet, though it's in the cards for the future, and I'd want it to be a lovely celebration of love, not just a little burger down the pub with some party hats. Though spending £20k on a one-day (or weekend) event is a bit crazy :) It can surely be done on a bit more of a sensible budget!

[WelshMaenad]

YABU. We spent a good chunk on our wedding day. We had been through some really trying times and wanted a fantastic fucking party with all our friends.

However, we didn't argue about anything. We did everything the way we wanted to and invited people to be involved. They were either delighted to be involved or they weren't, either way we didn't really let it bother us.

It was worth every penny. It did not and will never define our marriage, but it was everything we wanted and I still look back, nearly five years on, and feel joy. My mum said the one thing every guest seemed to comment on was they every time they looked at me, I was beaming.

If people want and are happy with a low key day, they should do that, if that brings them joy. But I wasn't prepared to dial down my wishes because some people didn't 'get it'. The only people required to 'get it' were my husband and I.

[Bunbaker]

"I don't understand why those invited get their knickers in such a twist over the B&G's choices"

I would resent being told what to wear. That is extreme bridezilladom.

[oscarwilde]

My brother got the hump (aged 25) because he wasn't seated a prime table right in front of of our table.
I thought I was being nice seating my siblings at a table that wouldn't be cleared off for a dancefloor.... Clearly I was mad!

Otherwise ^^ everything WelshMaenad said. We had a blast.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

YY Joysmum.

[overmydeadbody]

I'm getting married in the summer and can't wait! Our aim is to give our closest friends and family a really good party, in celebration of our marriage and commitment to each other, and while it is not stressing me out I can see how it could, as there is so much to do and organise, and we are trying to do it all ourselves.

I am handmaking all the invitations, because I want to and it reflects me as a person. Some people might think that is not necessary, but I want to. Will have to do 34 of them as most of our guests are couples so not too many.

Certain people asked us if they could be best man and bridesmaid, so we said yes but they could wear whatever they want.

We are not bothering with favours or cars or chair covers or table centrepieces, but we will provide lots of drink for free, and have a seating plan because some people might stress out if they don't know where to sit, and then there is the awkward thing of sitting somewhere and then wishing you had chosen a different place, so a seating plan eliminates that, we can put people together who we know will want to sit together on the night and chat.

We won't have a present list or ask for money, but we are asking people to bake us a cake or pudding of their choice, which we will then share with everyone on the night!

I can't wait!

[Bunbaker]

We had a buffet at our wedding because my mum didn't want the hassle of working out seating plans and it was cheaper.

Yes, my mum arranged my wedding because 30 odd years ago it was often the parents of the bride who did it - and paid for it. Besides, I was at college and was pretty laid back about the whole thing as I had no firm ideas about what I wanted.

[Greydog]

Yes, we were told by our son what colours we had to have for his wedding. (bride didn't bother speaking to us!) So, we did as we were told, and smiled happily on the pics, and were so relieved to get the day out of the way!

[StrawberryTot]

Yanbu, i will never understand the stress involved in planning a wedding!! It makes no sense to be so wound up about a day that's supposed to be joyful.

[Famzilla]

YANBU.

DH and I got married in the mayors office, a few of our closest friends present and lunch at a nice hotel afterwards. Told the rest of our mates to meet us at 5pm for drinks. My dress was from miss selfridge, we had a great day and the whole thing cost less than £1000.

Currently have 2 friends getting married this summer, one is having a ridiculous £20k wedding (which she can not afford, everything is on credit) and one is having a little handmade vintage style one. The difference in their stress levels is obvious!

I think it's fine to want your bridesmaids in matching outfits, as long as you consult with them first as to what style/cut suits them etc. I also think seating plans are a good idea and have made quite a few friends from sitting with them at weddings. However the rest of it just screams "victims of consumerism" to me.

[Viviennemary]

What you say is probably common sense. However, I think a big traditional wedding is very nice just the same. But not if people are spending way beyond their means.

[JessieMcJessie]

Ha, Famzilla don't kid yourself that a "handmade vintage-style " wedding requires little effort. I am planning my own wedding and if I see one more blog/ mag article about wild flowers in glass jars and patchwork bunting and ice cream trikes and chalk boards hung on trees I will scream. A trad style wedding is actually much easier to organise because venues do packages etc.

As for my own planning we are going trad but not OTT (flower girls but no adult bridesmaids, whole thing in one venue), family have all been lovely and helpful and we're not stressing at all, even though apparently 6 months is a really short time to organise it and we live thousands of miles away from the UK, where it will take place. I'd bore myself if I had to think about it for any longer than that. In fact I am really loving doing it. I agree that seating plans make the experience much less stressful for the guests.

[scantilymad]

We had a big wedding.
Tbh it got so big because we went overboard in trying to make sure all our guests had a brilliant time because a lot of them had travelled (100 miles).
Demands from guests including that we provide childcare during the evening reception for under twos, even though we had no children ourselves. Said guests then leaving at 7pm anyway due to marital tiff, leaving behind a redundant crèche and specially hired nanny.
I think a lot of weddings get out of proportion because some couples really DO try and think of everything their guests might expect and try to accommodate it.
We even did little things like put stamps on all the pre return addressed RSVP cards we sent out with the invitations......
We still got moans!

[MrsMook]

"Dear close family, we would like to invite you to fly to/ travel across the UK for a 20 min ceremony at the registry office followed by a nice modest pub lunch..." No, not working for me... My aunt had a wonderful wedding along those lines, but that really wouldn't have been right for us, our family and friends.

We had a full.on white wedding for a large number of family and friends. I met some of my extended in-laws for the first or second time through it as DH is the youngest, and there'd been a lack of other weddings and family occasions to give a chance to travel long distance to meet. Weddings have always been an important social occasion and rite of passage, nothing new there.

We had a wedding we could afford, and it was a joyous start to our married life. A hotel was the better option for us and our guests (some took up the camping offer), but all the little trimmings, stationery, decorations were home made, and the 2 year engagement (set for reasons beyond wedding planning) gave good time to spread out the creative phase and do it at an enjoyable pace. We had all the floers, vintage cars etc, but got everything at a sensible price. Flowers and cake were from the market, I got a plain iced cake and made the decor. The car was from a nearby farm and a paying hobby. A lot of love was put into the day, and the memories of our first day of married life st7ll put a smile on my face.

The only source of stress was my mother, but she's managed to work her charms over Christenings and my graduation anyway. The wedding was an excuse to misbehave in the build, nnot the actual cause of the problems.

There's lots of ways to host a great wedding. As long as it suits the couple, theirs and the guests needs, and is a realistic budget for the needs of those concerned. Some people do lose perspective (couple, family or guests) but the majority don't. AIBU isn't really the place to showcase sensible wedding behaviour!

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Post this in the wedding section so brides to be can read and gain a luttle perspective!

What's a wedding or a funeral without a bust up?! It's part of the fun and it's traditional to have a row...my SIL fell out with so many people at my wedding. Goodness knows what will happen when she gets married as she is hard work.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

I meant little not luttle!

[Jengnr]

Why the fuck wouldn't you expect the guests to buy their own drinks?

A drink on arrival, wine with the meal, champagne for the toast then you're on your own.

You'd be a pretty shit mate to begrudge your friend their wedding dress because you can't get pissed at their expense.