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AIBU?

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Original poster

To NOT let 14 year old girls stay the night with DS?

83 replies

Spidermama · 17/02/2014 11:25

He wants his mate and two 14 year old girls to come and stay the night here after their party tonight. I said I'd need to square it with their parents. He says 'that may be how things worked in your day but it just happen today.'

Would any mum, in her right mind, allow 14 year old girls to stay the night with her 14 year old son and his mate without even talking to the girls' parents?

OP posts:
DarlingGrace · 17/02/2014 13:06

You'd be surprised. I found a 14yo (just a friend, no romance) on my sofa one morning. Having enquired WTF her mother thought she was etc I was told 'she knows I'm safe' Shock. I do not know this girl. I do not know her mother. Her mother does not know me.

Bonsoir · 17/02/2014 13:08

No of course this isn't OK.

sadbodyblue · 17/02/2014 13:09

well he's being very cheeky so that would annoy me.

as a mum of a 14 and 15 year old girls and older boys too it wouldn't bother me really.

I talk to my dds as I talked to my sons about sex. if they want to do it they will and you need to make sure they are protected and safe if they do have sex.

it's not about logistics it's about communication and trust.

fwiw my dd15 has her bf stop and I have chatted about sex obviously and we are thinking about effective contraception but she says she's not ready yet so that's great.

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 13:11

I will go against the grain, I wouldn't check, I don't check and haven't checked for a long time.

Once they're at secondary school, certainly by year 8, I don't even know the friends parents names let alone contact details. My DC often stay at friends and I have NEVER had a call from a parent about it, I used to check but when it became a pain to even get hold of the number and then to find I'm the only one checking I gave up.

Now I just get a text saying X, Y and Z are staying over.

DCs have to have Find my iPhone app on all the time which means I can always find them and I know the truth!

sadbodyblue · 17/02/2014 13:11

alcohol worries me far more actually.

soverylucky · 17/02/2014 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 17/02/2014 13:15

It's absolutely 'like that' nowadays - phone the parents and check. Anyone who doesn't want to know what their children are up to and where they are sleeping has lost all common sense.

Littleen · 17/02/2014 13:16

I had friends (both genders) stay the night when I was 14, and so is my younger sister. Never been an issue, nothing naughty or cheeky happened at all. Sometimes with parents at home, sometimes not! Though always kids where the parents would know of each other and be able to discuss it between them.

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 13:19

I should add, DH and I worked out the other week that we haven't had a weekend where DC don't have friends staying since July the 27th and that was only because we were al on holiday!

I think with 4 DC I've probably heard from parents under 20 times. I probably know 50% of the kids I find around my kitchen table most of them say "my mum says it's fine, I text her".

macdoodle · 17/02/2014 13:20

Really mamapain? You have no idea where your children are or with who? I am a little shocked and I am pretty laid back parent. Its really not that hard to get a number and a text is easy. All the kids have phones and surely they all have their parents numbers? My DD1 knows I will want the number, and a quick text is easy enough.

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2014 13:20

That's quite sad, Mama. "I wouldn't check, I don't check, I haven't checked for a long time "... Hmm

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 13:23

I remember when my mother never bothered checking. Every time I "stayed at my friends house overnight" I was really in a B&B with my older boyfriend..... Hmm

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/02/2014 13:26

Are you checking with the boy's parents too?

Im assuming the issue is that the boys and girls will have sex. This could also be true of the two boys alone.

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 13:30

That's not what I've said at all. As I previously posted, I know where my DCs are, they text me and our rule is they have to have find my iPhone app on at all times.

If it doesn't tally up with where they've said or I can't find them I will call and without a good explanation like being on the tube, they will be expected home and be in serious trouble.

I said in response to the OP, I don't check (and haven't for years) with parents if it's ok for their kids to be at mine and that no parents EVER check with me.

sandyballs · 17/02/2014 13:36

I'm quite a chilled parent, I think, but I would not allow my 13 year old DDs to go to a mixed sleepover and I wouldn't want boys sleeping here in the same room. Too young. It's not a question of not trusting them, but I wouldn't put my DDs in that situation.

SirChenjin · 17/02/2014 13:45

I'm always amazed that there are parents who actually don't care where there children are at night. Does this not bother you Mama?

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 13:53

But Sir, I do care which is why I generally know where they are. Obviously like all teens they do probably manage to pull a fast one occasionally but I check up on them regularly (just using other methods than calling parents) and come down hard on them if they've kept me out the loop. I'm not going to make them stay home and for us parental checking has been fruitless so as far as I'm concerned I take the precautions I can.

I find it really insulting for you to say I don't care, I really do but I'm clearly operating under different circumstances to other posters.

SirChenjin · 17/02/2014 14:09

I'm not talking about your children Mama - I meant the parents of your DCs friends Smile. Doesn't it worry or upset you that they don't care, or that you are effectively responsible for the safety of these children?

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 14:10

The more I think about this, the more annoyed I feel, how do I not care? I think I've demonstrated I care a lot so how can I 'amaze' anyone with my failure to care?

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 14:15

Sorry cross post fail of epically grumpy proportions!

ITCouldBeWorse · 17/02/2014 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2014 14:16

MamaPain different circumstances how?

Surely it is pretty simple to obtain a number and make a phone call?

Original poster
Spidermama · 17/02/2014 14:18

MamaPain the find my iPhone idea is a great one.
I'd love to be ok about this. As someone mentioned, if they're going to have sex they will anyway.
I'm interested and saddened by the posts which say they wish they had been monitored and imply they had sex too early.
I don't want to be complicit in any girls feeling this way.
Also ds has form. He lies a lot.

I'm standing firm.

OP posts:
MamaPain · 17/02/2014 14:29

Sir, this is one of the reasons I operate an open house policy. I will genuinely never say no to having a kid to stay the night or for dinner. Lots of kids don't have easy lives and I think the last thing they need is aggro from a friends parent.

That's not to say I think that all these parents don't care, it might look to another parent that I don't care hit I'm actually in regular contact and on top of where my DC are. Technological age and all that. Also lots and lots of my DCs friends comes from homes where English isn't spoken indoors, I think the parents find it easier to have arrangements with their DC than deal with other parents in a new language. Because they're from different countries they might even have different expectations of the contact they should have with their kids. There are other examples like kids that have single parents working night shifts or love with people who aren't there parents. I don't see it as cut and dry caring or not caring.

Anyway, it's not a big deal for me to take responsibility for them. It's just another kid. Normally they're no trouble at all and the rest of the time it's nothing new in our house! I'm known amongst DCs friends as being lovely and cool bit that I will give you a no holds barred bollocking.

MamaPain · 17/02/2014 14:35

ROFL at the idea my teen isn't permanently attached to their phone. They can't even be separated while they use the loo there's no way they would be going out without it. Plus I've already said I'm in regular contact with them so I know they're with their phones anyway.

You only have a parents say so much earlier that your DC is with them. What if they go to the shop or sneak out or the parent pops next door. I think tracking them through iPhone is actually a lot more reliable.

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