To NOT let 14 year old girls stay the night with DS?

[Spidermama]

He wants his mate and two 14 year old girls to come and stay the night here after their party tonight. I said I'd need to square it with their parents. He says 'that may be how things worked in your day but it just happen today.'

Would any mum, in her right mind, allow 14 year old girls to stay the night with her 14 year old son and his mate without even talking to the girls' parents?

[PeriodFeatures]

I'm interested and saddened by the posts which say they wish they had been monitored and imply they had sex too early

Yes, I was sexually active far too young, the general free for all that my boho chaotic family existed in meant that I was able to 'experiment' put myself at risk I think a degree of neglect was involved.

You sound like you care OP and if you didnt you wouldnt be posting here.


There is a line, neglect can mask as managed permissiveness with teenagers it is bloody difficult to manage.

[SirChenjin]

I get where you're coming from - and my apologies for not making my earlier posts clearer .

I suppose I'm coming at it from another angle - that by not making encouraging them to check with their parents, or by not checking with their parents yourself, it might seem as if you're condoning it, iyswim? If anything were to happen to that child at your house - and I accept that it's a big if - then you would be responsible (and complicit?), and presumably would have no way of getting in contact with their parents who could then (potentially) hold you responsible.

[sadbodyblue]

our parenting is all about trust. my parents were ridiculously strict so I lied to them to do exactly what I wanted and was very immature and got into all sorts of scrapes because I acted like a child, just as my parents treated me at 15.

I never wanted that your my own children.

have 2 grown up and 2 teens and haven't been let down or lied to that I know of so far bar one drink incident with ds2 at 16..

so fingers crossed.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

YANBU, your 14 year old is very unreasonable!

[MamaPain]

Sir, I'm on my phone tracking my kids so it's hard to go back and see exactly what I said but I'm sure I mentioned them saying their mum said its fine. I do ask if their mums knows they're at mine and are staying and remind those who seem a bit uncertain to let parents know. As I've said from the beginning, I'm just not phoning the parents and checking myself.

I suppose you can get into the legalities of who would be responsible etc but I don't live my life like a child protection case and I've never parented with that being a concern.

It might come across as condescending but I'm not a new parent I've been a parent to teens for the past 12 years. My ways are a result of my experience not regardless of it, if I had an incident which made me need to change I would but touch wood what I do now works for everyone.

If I think about it, as this thread has forced me to, I probably do feel that it's a parents responsibility to know where their kid is. I'm happy to take responsibility and care/feed/clothe/emotionally counsel anyone who my DC bring home but I do feel their parents should be managing it. It's not my job to hunt down the parents and let them know. I've never had anyone do that for me and my DC.

[SirChenjin]

Interesting viewpoint. I'm only 4 years into parenting teens, but reading your experiences makes me very glad that I know the parents of their friends (have done for many years) and don't have to track them or worry about whether their friends parents know of their whereabouts.

[sadbodyblue]

Mama agree exactly.

Sir how on early do you know all the parents. I know one or two but over the years we have had loads of different teens, I don't even know all if their names as couldn't possibly keep track.

do you live in a little village or some such? if yes ibvioudiy can see that being the case.

my 4 go to a huge high school with a massive catchment area so haven't a clue.

like Mama says while the kids are under my roof they are as safe as possibly, we don't allow alcohol and they are fed.

but it's not my business to check with all if their parents really as I wouldn't be doing much else apart especially at half term and school hols.

I can say that I have been contacted once in all these years as a parent if a teen and that was by a lads mum who didn't trust him. afraid he got a lot of teasing about that too from his mates to be honest. he was 15.

[SirChenjin]

I know them because they hang about in small groups of friends they've know since primary school. They have wider circles of friends who are not so close, but they don't stay over. They go to a High School of approx 1500 pupils.

[SirChenjin]

Just saw your last sentence. If I had a son I couldn't trust then I wouldn't care how much teasing he go - my primary concern would be that I knew where he was and that he was safe.

[sadbodyblue]

right ok but that's a different position to mine then as my older ones were teens together and my younger ones are teens together so that doubled the friendship groups. Iycwim.

regards the son there was no reasons he couldn't trust him as far as we knew, he hadn't been in any trouble and was a nice kid. I felt very sorry for him as at 15 you really done want mummy calling your friends mum unless there's good cause.

as I said she has been the only parent to call as I guess as all the kids have mobiles parents can contact them 24/7 anyway.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I check where mine are staying, I dont check that other teens parents know that theirs are at mine.

Weve had two occasions where girls were invited to stay over, although only one occasion when they did. Seperate rooms and in our house they were on seperate floors.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Hahaha, at may have been how it worked in your day!

I'd absolutely ring their parents and I'd give the girls his room/spare room and have him sleep on the sofa/separate bedroom.

Sure they're mates but also hormonal teenagers.

[yourlittlesecret]

MamaPain same here. I have never had a parent call me about sleepovers since they were in primary school. We do live in a village though and all friends live in villages so parents have to drop off and pick up. Not that they come to the door.

I would not veto a mixed sleepover altogether but I would be happier with a larger group. With 2 + 2 I'd be insisting on separate rooms.

[BOFtastic]

I wouldn't allow a mixed sleepover at all, personally, especially if he has form for lying: he hasn't proved himself trustworthy.

[ginnybag]

Most amused that only one person has pointed out gender splitting won't necessarily stop adolescent fumbling!

DD is only 4, so I'm a way off this as a parent, but I have siblings 11 years younger than me who have had friend's stay with us and I've been running a youth group for years that's done the odd residential activity.

On the two occasions my bedroom checks have interrupted anything, er, experimental it's been two of the lads.

And on talking to other youth group leaders and the like, it usually is, which is sad in and of itself, but not the topic at hand here.

OP are they a 'young' fourteen or an old one, i.e. only just had a birthday, or about to turn fifteen? It makes a difference, tbh.

That said, the moment your son protested, I'd've known I needed to ask!

[sadbodyblue]

monitoring and logistics are irrelevant to teens having sex. I did it in the park at 15!! my parents were very strict and my friends lied for me and I lied constantly to get my way.

being open, honest and trusting them worked for us.

[diddl]

Cheeky bugger wouldn't be going to any party after speaking to me like that!

[PeriodFeatures]

DD is only 4, so I'm a way off this as a parentI

you might be nearer than you think. Do not under estimate childrens sexuality!

[Spidermama]

Sadbody - I was also brought up on trust and mutual respect. I didn't lie to my mum. I knew that, even if she disapproved, she'd let me so long as I was honest with her. She was very relaxed and once she and my dad divorced and my dad moved out I was allowed to have boyfriends stay the night in my bed. (I was 15)

Sadly my DS doesn't reciprocate my trust so I've had to change tack. He lies a lot and his behaviour gives me cause for concern in other ways too.

This thread is really interesting. It's made me consider my parenting, the way I was parented. I am also wondering if I appreciate how 14 is quite advanced these days. He's just turned 14 btw so year 9.

[MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK]

YANBU

My 14 year old brother wants a couple of his female friends to stay. He insists he's gay and they insist that they see him as a best friend and nothing more, but the two biggest concerns are a) he wants the girls to sleep in my room because I'm away at uni and have a big room with a double bed (straight away I said nope ) and b) if they ever had a falling-out, these girls are known for overdramatics, and we wouldn't put it past them to accuse him of something he hadn't done if the friendship broke up, so my mum has said absolutely not.

YANBU at all; you're looking out for your son in case something goes wrong with his friendship with these girls. I stopped having mixed sleepovers when I was 11 (and prior to that it was only my cousin whose house I stayed at and vice versa )

[MamaPain]

Year 9 is the year of the change! That's the year when they become adults in their own eyes, we obviously know better, but I find it's that year of school when they start thinking they're Billy Big Balls. They apparently know dirtier jokes than you, have more experience than you and there's very little you can tell them, as I think you might have been reminded today.

Spidermama, how do you react when you catch him lying?

One of the things I'm happy about within my parenting if managing to raise kids who don't lie. That doesn't mean they don't tell white lies or the odd fib in their day to day lives but they really get that I cannot have lying. I think part of this comes from my upbringing where my parents were very similar and would severely punish us for lying (we used to get the belt and everything!).

[BitsinTatters]

I'm mid 20s ... I remember being 14 well

My answer would be yes if their parents would be ok with it. BUT I'd have to ensure they slept separately

[pixiepotter]

No and you would in loco parentis and held responsible if any hanky panky goes on.

[GarlicReverses]

It's not your responsibility to determine whether they have sex with kids their own age (or fumbling, whatever.)

It is your responsibility to ensure that your son's guests are staying at your house with permission, imo.

Well, as far as possible. Even in my antediluvian day, we managed a fair amount of skiving around by double-covering (lying to both sets of parents.) We were rarely caught out. Which is why I think you should check with the parents yourself!

[BEEwitched]

We had mixed sleepovers at that age and it was never an issue, e.g. for birthday parties.

Actually, my brother had a 14 year old girlfriend when he was 14 and she was boarding nearby and there were no problems with her staying with us or him staying at her grandmother's where she lived. Her mother knew him well and was fine with it.

I would talk to the girls' parents first, though.