To NOT let 14 year old girls stay the night with DS?

[Spidermama]

He wants his mate and two 14 year old girls to come and stay the night here after their party tonight. I said I'd need to square it with their parents. He says 'that may be how things worked in your day but it just happen today.'

Would any mum, in her right mind, allow 14 year old girls to stay the night with her 14 year old son and his mate without even talking to the girls' parents?

[Spidermama]

I'll try that Fairy. Interestingly I'm sitting here with my two younger ones at the moment trying to ascertain which one of them pissed all over the lavatory seat AGAIN. They both deny it. I suspect the younger one but He won't admit it. It's infuriating and its gone on for years but because I can't be sure who it is I can't properly discipline the culprit. It's so disrespectful of them. I feel abused and lied to.

Sorry slightly off the point. I'm just fed up with lying boys.

[Fairenuff]

If he routinely lies to you OP, I would say no, he can't have a sleepover because you don't trust him. I've said this to my ds and told him that when he starts being honest with me I will trust him again.

He thought that was fair enough and has since been honest about things he would previously have lied about. This weekend he earned back my trust and had a sleepover with friends.

I've told him it's quite simple. If he wants me to trust him, don't lie to me.

[sadbodyblue]

the lying is very sad. I have been so open and listening to mine and always tried to see their point of view I would find lying a real kick in the teeth.

someone up thread said you are in loco parentis, you absolutely are not but if course any decent parent will ensure the kids are safe in their care and do to provide alcohol etc.

you can't stop teens having sex, they are probably not going to in a sleepover anyway with mates in the room. they can do it anywhere.

the key is communication and trust.

tis a mine field with teens though.

[ImperialBlether]

Don't forget it might not actually be her mother you speak to.

I would've just said, "Nice try" and stopped the conversation.

Thinking about all this, I think the girls in particular are missing out on a hell of a lot if they are having sex that young. The best part of those days was all the snogging and foreplay, wasn't it? How are they supposed to develop any kind of skills if they're just having sex immediately?

Same with sleeping together. If they're doing that at 14, they living like people in their late teens and twenties when they're just too immature.

[MamaPain]

Forgot to say I would speak to the mum, as she is apparently happy to speak to you, it might be informative and give you the upper hand.

I think its ok to have mixed sleepovers although generally as a group, I think just the two of them and they would need to be in separate rooms until you established what the relationship was.

[MamaPain]

I know we all have different styles of parenting, but for me to not punish a lie is a huge mistake.

I think if you can have trust then lots of other behaviour issues and teen problems reduce because you stop doubting where he is or what he's doing. Also you're much more likely to give him freedom which is what most teens are pushing for so you don't end up in constant battles.

I've said it before on mn and it hasn't be popular, but if I catch my DC in a lie I basically send them to jail within the house. They go to school with an old phone and no earphones, they have to come straight home and they're sent to bed. No access to anything; TV, Ipad, Phone, Internet, Books or other family members. If they're hungry they can have dry toast and a glass of water. They're also grounded for the upcoming weekend during which they have to spend one day doing supervised homework and chores and then next day thinking about their attitude, I make sure to get them up early so they have lots of time to contemplate.

It's very rare that I have to do this, Its probably happened to each child once, apart from DS2 who has done it 3 times (over about 10 years), but I find it's very effective.

[Spidermama]

Mamapain I too was brought up in a household which didn't lie. I think it was absolutely the best environment. It's served me well and it gave me, if anything, more freedom than my friends who did lie. We were not punished exactly if we ever lied. My mum just made clean from the outset how terrible it is to lie and how we could never be trusted if we did.

I still don't lie. I think any lie is also a lie to yourself and it makes for a disproportionate lack of trust. If relationships aren't based on reality you never know where you are. DD is like me. She does't lie. I'm grateful for that.

I'm sad ds lies to me. I have 3 DSs altogether and they all lie. DH used to lie all the time but I cured him. His mum still lies and he came from a lying background.

Now DH and I are arguing about it. Having read this thread I think I should allow it but make sure they sleep in separate rooms but DH thinks we should say absolutely not. DS is now saying the girl's mum is happy to phone us. Surely that being the case I'd have to acquiesce.

[RedFocus]

My kids don't do sleep overs thankfully
They are plenty old enough they just don't like them.

[BEEwitched]

We had mixed sleepovers at that age and it was never an issue, e.g. for birthday parties.

Actually, my brother had a 14 year old girlfriend when he was 14 and she was boarding nearby and there were no problems with her staying with us or him staying at her grandmother's where she lived. Her mother knew him well and was fine with it.

I would talk to the girls' parents first, though.

[GarlicReverses]

It's not your responsibility to determine whether they have sex with kids their own age (or fumbling, whatever.)

It is your responsibility to ensure that your son's guests are staying at your house with permission, imo.

Well, as far as possible. Even in my antediluvian day, we managed a fair amount of skiving around by double-covering (lying to both sets of parents.) We were rarely caught out. Which is why I think you should check with the parents yourself!

[pixiepotter]

No and you would in loco parentis and held responsible if any hanky panky goes on.

[BitsinTatters]

I'm mid 20s ... I remember being 14 well

My answer would be yes if their parents would be ok with it. BUT I'd have to ensure they slept separately

[MamaPain]

Year 9 is the year of the change! That's the year when they become adults in their own eyes, we obviously know better, but I find it's that year of school when they start thinking they're Billy Big Balls. They apparently know dirtier jokes than you, have more experience than you and there's very little you can tell them, as I think you might have been reminded today.

Spidermama, how do you react when you catch him lying?

One of the things I'm happy about within my parenting if managing to raise kids who don't lie. That doesn't mean they don't tell white lies or the odd fib in their day to day lives but they really get that I cannot have lying. I think part of this comes from my upbringing where my parents were very similar and would severely punish us for lying (we used to get the belt and everything!).

[MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK]

YANBU

My 14 year old brother wants a couple of his female friends to stay. He insists he's gay and they insist that they see him as a best friend and nothing more, but the two biggest concerns are a) he wants the girls to sleep in my room because I'm away at uni and have a big room with a double bed (straight away I said nope ) and b) if they ever had a falling-out, these girls are known for overdramatics, and we wouldn't put it past them to accuse him of something he hadn't done if the friendship broke up, so my mum has said absolutely not.

YANBU at all; you're looking out for your son in case something goes wrong with his friendship with these girls. I stopped having mixed sleepovers when I was 11 (and prior to that it was only my cousin whose house I stayed at and vice versa )

[Spidermama]

Sadbody - I was also brought up on trust and mutual respect. I didn't lie to my mum. I knew that, even if she disapproved, she'd let me so long as I was honest with her. She was very relaxed and once she and my dad divorced and my dad moved out I was allowed to have boyfriends stay the night in my bed. (I was 15)

Sadly my DS doesn't reciprocate my trust so I've had to change tack. He lies a lot and his behaviour gives me cause for concern in other ways too.

This thread is really interesting. It's made me consider my parenting, the way I was parented. I am also wondering if I appreciate how 14 is quite advanced these days. He's just turned 14 btw so year 9.

[PeriodFeatures]

DD is only 4, so I'm a way off this as a parentI

you might be nearer than you think. Do not under estimate childrens sexuality!

[diddl]

Cheeky bugger wouldn't be going to any party after speaking to me like that!

[sadbodyblue]

monitoring and logistics are irrelevant to teens having sex. I did it in the park at 15!! my parents were very strict and my friends lied for me and I lied constantly to get my way.

being open, honest and trusting them worked for us.

[ginnybag]

Most amused that only one person has pointed out gender splitting won't necessarily stop adolescent fumbling!

DD is only 4, so I'm a way off this as a parent, but I have siblings 11 years younger than me who have had friend's stay with us and I've been running a youth group for years that's done the odd residential activity.

On the two occasions my bedroom checks have interrupted anything, er, experimental it's been two of the lads.

And on talking to other youth group leaders and the like, it usually is, which is sad in and of itself, but not the topic at hand here.

OP are they a 'young' fourteen or an old one, i.e. only just had a birthday, or about to turn fifteen? It makes a difference, tbh.

That said, the moment your son protested, I'd've known I needed to ask!

[BOFtastic]

I wouldn't allow a mixed sleepover at all, personally, especially if he has form for lying: he hasn't proved himself trustworthy.

[yourlittlesecret]

MamaPain same here. I have never had a parent call me about sleepovers since they were in primary school. We do live in a village though and all friends live in villages so parents have to drop off and pick up. Not that they come to the door.

I would not veto a mixed sleepover altogether but I would be happier with a larger group. With 2 + 2 I'd be insisting on separate rooms.

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Hahaha, at may have been how it worked in your day!

I'd absolutely ring their parents and I'd give the girls his room/spare room and have him sleep on the sofa/separate bedroom.

Sure they're mates but also hormonal teenagers.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I check where mine are staying, I dont check that other teens parents know that theirs are at mine.

Weve had two occasions where girls were invited to stay over, although only one occasion when they did. Seperate rooms and in our house they were on seperate floors.

[sadbodyblue]

right ok but that's a different position to mine then as my older ones were teens together and my younger ones are teens together so that doubled the friendship groups. Iycwim.

regards the son there was no reasons he couldn't trust him as far as we knew, he hadn't been in any trouble and was a nice kid. I felt very sorry for him as at 15 you really done want mummy calling your friends mum unless there's good cause.

as I said she has been the only parent to call as I guess as all the kids have mobiles parents can contact them 24/7 anyway.

[SirChenjin]

Just saw your last sentence. If I had a son I couldn't trust then I wouldn't care how much teasing he go - my primary concern would be that I knew where he was and that he was safe.