To NOT let 14 year old girls stay the night with DS?

[Spidermama]

He wants his mate and two 14 year old girls to come and stay the night here after their party tonight. I said I'd need to square it with their parents. He says 'that may be how things worked in your day but it just happen today.'

Would any mum, in her right mind, allow 14 year old girls to stay the night with her 14 year old son and his mate without even talking to the girls' parents?

[RedFocus]

My kids don't do sleep overs thankfully
They are plenty old enough they just don't like them.

[Spidermama]

Mamapain I too was brought up in a household which didn't lie. I think it was absolutely the best environment. It's served me well and it gave me, if anything, more freedom than my friends who did lie. We were not punished exactly if we ever lied. My mum just made clean from the outset how terrible it is to lie and how we could never be trusted if we did.

I still don't lie. I think any lie is also a lie to yourself and it makes for a disproportionate lack of trust. If relationships aren't based on reality you never know where you are. DD is like me. She does't lie. I'm grateful for that.

I'm sad ds lies to me. I have 3 DSs altogether and they all lie. DH used to lie all the time but I cured him. His mum still lies and he came from a lying background.

Now DH and I are arguing about it. Having read this thread I think I should allow it but make sure they sleep in separate rooms but DH thinks we should say absolutely not. DS is now saying the girl's mum is happy to phone us. Surely that being the case I'd have to acquiesce.

[MamaPain]

I know we all have different styles of parenting, but for me to not punish a lie is a huge mistake.

I think if you can have trust then lots of other behaviour issues and teen problems reduce because you stop doubting where he is or what he's doing. Also you're much more likely to give him freedom which is what most teens are pushing for so you don't end up in constant battles.

I've said it before on mn and it hasn't be popular, but if I catch my DC in a lie I basically send them to jail within the house. They go to school with an old phone and no earphones, they have to come straight home and they're sent to bed. No access to anything; TV, Ipad, Phone, Internet, Books or other family members. If they're hungry they can have dry toast and a glass of water. They're also grounded for the upcoming weekend during which they have to spend one day doing supervised homework and chores and then next day thinking about their attitude, I make sure to get them up early so they have lots of time to contemplate.

It's very rare that I have to do this, Its probably happened to each child once, apart from DS2 who has done it 3 times (over about 10 years), but I find it's very effective.

[MamaPain]

Forgot to say I would speak to the mum, as she is apparently happy to speak to you, it might be informative and give you the upper hand.

I think its ok to have mixed sleepovers although generally as a group, I think just the two of them and they would need to be in separate rooms until you established what the relationship was.

[ImperialBlether]

Don't forget it might not actually be her mother you speak to.

I would've just said, "Nice try" and stopped the conversation.

Thinking about all this, I think the girls in particular are missing out on a hell of a lot if they are having sex that young. The best part of those days was all the snogging and foreplay, wasn't it? How are they supposed to develop any kind of skills if they're just having sex immediately?

Same with sleeping together. If they're doing that at 14, they living like people in their late teens and twenties when they're just too immature.

[sadbodyblue]

the lying is very sad. I have been so open and listening to mine and always tried to see their point of view I would find lying a real kick in the teeth.

someone up thread said you are in loco parentis, you absolutely are not but if course any decent parent will ensure the kids are safe in their care and do to provide alcohol etc.

you can't stop teens having sex, they are probably not going to in a sleepover anyway with mates in the room. they can do it anywhere.

the key is communication and trust.

tis a mine field with teens though.

[Fairenuff]

If he routinely lies to you OP, I would say no, he can't have a sleepover because you don't trust him. I've said this to my ds and told him that when he starts being honest with me I will trust him again.

He thought that was fair enough and has since been honest about things he would previously have lied about. This weekend he earned back my trust and had a sleepover with friends.

I've told him it's quite simple. If he wants me to trust him, don't lie to me.

[Spidermama]

I'll try that Fairy. Interestingly I'm sitting here with my two younger ones at the moment trying to ascertain which one of them pissed all over the lavatory seat AGAIN. They both deny it. I suspect the younger one but He won't admit it. It's infuriating and its gone on for years but because I can't be sure who it is I can't properly discipline the culprit. It's so disrespectful of them. I feel abused and lied to.

Sorry slightly off the point. I'm just fed up with lying boys.