To be really worried there's something more sinister to this? Feel like I've failed DD

[karenaanna]

This could be long, sorry. Have NCed. Not sure this is the right place to post but more traffic and want to know if I'm worrying over nothing.

A bit of background- DD is almost 18 and is yet to start her period. I took her to the GP when she was 14 as I was concerned she wasn't showing any real signs of starting to hit puberty and they put it down to she being small for her age combined with the amount of intense exercise she does- at the time she was doing 20ish hours of semi-professional dance school a week and was planning on a dance career, she's now doing 18 hours but no longer wants to dance professionally, although she's still dancing at the same intensity. To this day she's never really had typical teenage mood swings.

Over the last few weeks, since the new year maybe she's put on a lot of weight, she's always been tiny, very ballerina esque and it's almost like she's suddenly gone into the pre puberty baby fat stage but at 17. Her level of physical activity and diet haven't changed. She hasn't said anything but is clearly aware. She's meant to be at a half term dance intensive this week starting today but came and woke me up in the middle of the night- which she hasn't done since she was about 6- in tears with what she described as stomach ache 'down there' (potential sign period is about to start?) and begged me not to make her go today. I sent her back to bed with neurofen and a hot water bottle and told her she'd probably feel better in the morning, but I'm getting an overwhelming vibe from her she doesn't want to go.

She hasn't been herself for the last few weeks, she's last year of Sixth form, so applications for further education. She's had offers from all of her chosen universities back but was inconsolable last week as she's also been rejected from all of the specialist drama schools she applied for- the Ucas application was for another subject and intended as a back up as the specialist drama schools are so competitive. When she sent off the applications she was intending to take up the university place if she didn't get a drama school place, but now it's actually happened she's decided she doesn't want to go to university and wants to reapply for drama school next year. She's at an academic school and so not getting any offers for a chosen course is very unusual, I don't think it's been easy for her seeing all her friends getting excited about university and place offers knowing she's going to be reapplying next year. She's been really low and unhappy since then, again she hasn't said as much, but she clearly hasn't been happy.

Since January she's had fainting episodes/dizzy/temporary lost vision spells, and episodes of what DD describes as severe pins and needles, she's had it a few times in dance classes and had to sit out because she can't physically put weight on her leg. Her dance teacher put it down to stress, I'm starting to wonder if it's all somehow connected and I should have pushed harder for a proper examination before. Do I take her to the walk in centre or is that overreacting?

Your poor DD I hope she gets some answers from the GP You sound like a truly lovely Mum and you will be there for your DD whether this is nothing or something more. She is lucky to have you looking out for her.

Oh, bless you.

I can't recommend B-eat highly enough - they have a helpline (0845 634 1414) which I've found incredibly useful, and they're used to talking to parents. The B-eat website also has some fantastic resources.

Feast is also a good website. She may not be ready yet to accept professional help, but get her into the system and then if, in a few months, she is ready, she'll not have to wait as long.

She is probably trying not to shock or worry you.

Oh karenaanna so sorry to read this. Poor DD and poor you. The ballet world is tough sometimes.

Wishing you and your DD strength

You sound like a lovely, caring mother. DD is lucky to have you Hope you manage to get an earlier appointment, wishing you all the best x

The ballet world is tough yes, but don't jump to conclusions

If she's been making herself sick it'll explain why she asked if you still loved her as I expect she's feeling shame/guilt/anxiety, as opposed to you not doing enough.

I do hope you find out what's going on, and she starts to feel better.

Thanks so much everyone for the advice.

I know falulah, I'm kicking myself I didn't see it before :( I think she must have been trying to tell me last night and I missed it.

I didn't manage to get her an appointment today unfortunately, but she still has one for tomorrow morning. Trying to work out what to say.

Dd is adamant she only starting purging about a month ago after the weight gain started, which does fit, plus I wouldn't have thought she could put on that much weight that quickly through purging alone? I'm back to thinking she really needs them to check her hormones, that would account for her mood too. I honestly don't think the dancing a to blame, surely the purging would have started while she was still looking to dance professionally if it was?

She's been much worse today, I'm struggling to know what to do with her. I'm wondering if I should phone her dance teacher as she's now missed 3 days of her dance intensive and I wouldn't let her go tomorrow even if she wanted to, her teacher has known her since she was 7 and I don't want her to think she's making excuses over nothing.

In what way is she worse today? Physically, I mean?

I'm kicking myself I didn't see it before
No don't blame yourself at all - I was 'full time' (my docs words) bulimic for 6 years with no one noticing!

I have a feeling this is going to be a combination of physiological and emotional, if it IS her periods starting then it may be that she's having her first real hormonal low.
Now I'm off the pill etc. I feel so low, I actually cried at an advert and an episode of the simpsons last month :/
She's at that weird stage in her life when there's all this pressure (uni choices etc.) to 'decide who you want to be'. Just reassure her she doesn't have to stay on the path she chooses first forever more if it doesn't work out for her!

I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it, keep pushing the for blood tests etc. In mine and other close friends/family's experience they always seem to tarry when it comes to hormone/reproductive problems that are a little unsual/can't be fixed with canesten cream.

I hope she feels a bit better soon.

Emotionally she's been a wreck today, especially since she confessed to the purging. Physically she's been very tired, apart from anything I think she's emotionally exhausted. She wasn't particularly bloated yesterday so I was hoping that was a one off thing but today she seems massively bloated, she's clearly uncomfortable. Doctors is tomorrow morning thank god.

That's what I'm hoping falulah, as horrendous a start to puberty this would be if that's what it is I think that's much better than it being something abnormal IYSWIM. There is definitely an emotional element, but I refuse to believe 19lbs in 6 weeks isn't at least partly physiological.

Make a list of things to ask for to be tested and if the gp is unwilling, get their reasoning. They will probably say that can't retest for another 3 months.
Off top of my head, likely standard tests would be:
Glucose (diabetes etc)
Full blood (liver etc)
Feratin (too little/too much iron)
Potassium/Mmmm...magnesium???
Vitamin D?
Thyroid (TSH) - this on its own can be misleading.

Add to this the one I mentioned earlier, beginning with l.

Add whatever else you think, but might be as well to ask doctor what she thinks, and ask your daughter what she thinks. Hope it goes well.

Just ask for routine blood screen to be done , that includes( but your GP knows what it is)
Blood count
Electrolytes and other biochemistry such as liver function and bone profile
CRP ( inflammatory marker)
Tiredness and feeling emotional are important but mp on specific

Try and ask her if she has a specific problem such as pain anywhere, blood loss from bowel, pregnancy( yes I know)
Is she on any meds?
What do you mean by purging , what has she been taking?

Is there any chance she is expecting?

Hi I don't post a lot but your situation has really hit a nerve with me. I also have a daughter who has been singing, dancing and acting since she could walk and talk. She is now at a specialist performance school for musical theatre and will be applying for all the further education drama schools next year. The pressure these kids put themselves under is immense. Your daughter just sounds like mine in so many ways a complete perfectionist and always trying to do her best in every area of her life. It can be difficult to raise kids like this. I too had a bit of a weight issue with mine a couple of years ago where by she lost a bit of weight naturally liked what she saw and decided to see now far she could take it. I managed to get her back on track fairly quickly and before any real damage was done. I don't really have any better advice to give you than you have already received from other posters but I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know I completely understand how you're feeling and where your coming from. I think you sound such a lovely mum and please stop beating yourself up. My only addition would be I would encourage you to speak to her dance teacher as if it is an eating disorder she will have seen it a lot of times before and may give you a bit of insight into how to best help. If she has known your daughter since she was seven she may even have picked up on something that may be helpful. I hope your appointment is more productive tomorrow.

There are lots of things that this could be, and there are lots of tests that could be done. However, none of us on here have actually seen or spoken to your DD, so it's impossible to get a proper idea of what the clinical priorities are or to work out a realistic differential. There have clearly been a lot of changes for her in the last few months, and I can see that you're really worried about her, but try to remember that tomorrow's appointment is really only to get the ball rolling. Unless she starts her period overnight, you're unlikely to have a complete answer or a perfect solution immediately.

I think it's probably a good idea to let your DD speak first. It's her body and her health, so the main description of her symptoms will be best coming from her. She is the one who is going to have to have any future tests, examinations, specialist appointments etc, so it's important that she builds up a rapport with her doctor. As a back-up, you might want to write down a list of the symptoms that have been particularly concerning you, in case she forgets anything. If there are any conditions that you are particularly worried that she might have, by all means mention them - the GP can either do tests to find out, or tell you why they don't think it fits.

As for her dance teacher, just give her a call and say your DD's not well, would that work? No need to give lots of details at this point. I hope it goes well for both of you tomorrow.

Just read through all of this, agree with all of the lovely supportive posts, and think that you are being a wonderful mother. Hopeful that your appointment will go well. She definitely cannot be fobbed off, if they take a dismissive attitude (which may happen) you must insist on further tests. I have a genetic disorder and can tell you that it takes a lot of of pressure to get extensive testing done, they won't just roll over and test for anything and everything. You may have to get googling and anything that you strongly suspect, tell the doc that a distant relative had it or something. They quite often don't test without some kind of lead. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Best of luck to you and your girl XXX

Agree with sock queen
She may wish to go in alone, if you go in with her remember the GP will address most things to her.
Don't go mad re asking about all the possible diagnoses, just stick to the main problem and ask to screen for what could be wrong ( in my opinion this would be done with bloods)
Good luck

Thanks for the information, really helpful. She's been making herself sick, she hasn't taken anything she's mentioned. She wants me to go with her to the appointment, she's been very clingy this week. I will try and persuade he to let me go out at some point but don't want to push her. The list is a good idea, thanks.

I definitely think gluten could be at least part of the problem, yesterday when she avoided it she didn't have any bloating issues, today it looks painful :( could just be coincidence though, not sure if it would make a difference that quickly.

At the very least her primary amenorrhea needs to be addressed

karenaanna it sounds as though she is starting to tell you what's been going on in her head. FWIW I hope my DD trusts me as much as yours must trust you when she's 18.

As I've said before I am sorry you are both having a hard time. Writing everything down for your GP is good advice. I hope the appointment goes well.

You sound like a great mum; it is so worrying when things go wrong and I think it gets harder the older they get as they start to want to protect you from the upset, and because often there is so little you can do to help. Your daughter knows your love is unconditional; keep doing what you are doing and reassure her you are there for her whatever happens. Thinking of you today and hope apt goes well.

You are doing a good job, you are there for your DD and you will get through this. You've done so well for your DD to feel she could confide in you, and you held it together beautifully when your DD told you things that were hard to hear. That makes you a very special mummy!

My DDs dance. We have had some issues with food from DD2 and it is terrifying. If you want to talk, please do message me. We also found her dance teacher to be a great ally. If your DD has had the same teacher for years it is likely they have a good bond. My DD was restricting what she ate dangerously, her teacher was able to have a strong word about the need for vitamins, calcium etc as a dancer, and said if she was 'too weak' to dance because she hadn't eaten, she would be sitting on the side. It wasn't magic fix and DD2 can still be difficult with eating, but it made more difference than anything I or the GP said, and she always eats well on dance days (which is 3-4 x per week so helps).

We've also had late onset of puberty - DD1 started her periods at 17, 16 year old DD2 still hasn't started. Our GP has been fabulous in keeping 'an eye' from 16 which is reassuring, so do push for more help.

Good luck at the GP, I will be thinking of you and your lovely DD, you are both being so brave.

ive had both anorexia and bulimia - and the weight gain you see can actually be a result of swinging from one to the other. your dd has been restricting for a long time, her body NEEDS the food now to repair all the damage done by undereating so long. be prepared for it to take time for her body to adjust. (it is normal for her to feel like binging for a few months after years of restricting - her body needs the food! tell her this. it helped me immensly. these urges went away when i didn't purge or didn't fight them and let my body have the food it wanted, then my weight balanced out.) you would not have thought she was undereating because you saw her eat, but the fact was that she needed a lot more especially since she was doing all that dancing and its all catching up with her now - especially with puberty hitting.

another thing - my ed was triggered by hitting puberty late. i didn't get periods till i was 16, was skinny as a rake till then, then i couldn't deal with the weight gain afterwards. i know for a fact that if i had of got help then and there, and if someone had of told me it was normal to put on weight when you get your periods (sounds silly i know) i would not have went out of control with eds for years. it took me years to get help. you are doing amazing for her to have told you now, and for her to get help now will nip this in the bud. she has every chance of dealing with this and putting it behind her - you are working together and you are doing a great job.