to think my marriage is over?

[frenchdramaqueen]

First time poster, really need some perspective... so here goes. DH and I have been going through a rough time and had a massive row tonight. We have a 3-yo DD and tonight my DH basically threw to my face that the reason why we have been so stressed and at each other throat is because I (on my own) decided to go back to work after having her. He also said he understood my reasons for wanting to do so (that is I like my job and my independence, plus I would feel miserable as a Sahm) but since it was my decision and I have not given him any choice in the matter, I should assume the consequences! WTF!
DH is quite stressed at work, we both work FT (I was actually Pt for the first 2 Years I went back to work, gradually increasing my hours), the deal is he gets DD ready for the CM to pick her at home in the morning (I leave home at 7 for work) and I have to be home at 6 when the CM drops her. Now we have agreed that 1 day a week, I do the morning shift with DD (sounds awful but yswim) so that I can stay later at work. My workload has increased a lot in recent years and this is a solution I found so that once a week i am not so stressed having to finish all at 5 before I have to rush home as he does this. He agreed to this, which is great as he has a job with more responsibilities than I do, and I appreciate he is willing to do it. I can be quite stressed by work too but try not to bring this home. Tbh i have to as DD can be quite challenging at times and every night there is at least one drama (she does not want to shower, brush her teeth, efc.... normal behaviour of a child trying to test her parents limits anyway) so I need the headspace to stay calm and patient. DD behaviour has been a source of disputes because it is wearing both of us down and we disagree on how to deal with it. I think we should not tolerate this type of behaviour but keep calm nonetheless (DD is familiar with time out of course, so I am not that laxist) DH thinks af some point and not systematically there is nothing wrong with smacking... also he said a few times that DD is manipulative and evil, which upsets me a lot as I do not think such a young child actively thinks that she wants to make her parents feel miserable. Finally I have the feeling that DH does not appreciate me as a person, it is little things like him constantly pulling me out on my untidiness (although he admits he is a bit Ocd, he picks up crumbs on the floor with his thumb as soon as he sees them, moans about DD sometimes dropping food on the floor..) and my carelessness (ok I am not big on putting things away after use etc..) I have come to think everything I do is irritating him. I have tried to discussthis with him, but when I told him I thought he did not like me and i was sad and confused he was quite dismissive of my feelings and basically said sonething like don't be stupid and also got very defensive. I guess I was expecting another response, he is supposed to love me ffs and not belittle my feelings and LISTEN. Yet when I said that to him, he told me it was typical of me to judge him on everything he says or does, that I was a control freak (which is ironic since he also thinks I am a permissive mother and sloppy) ... I am not quite sure he thinks what he says or he is just trying to win the argument. Which would be worse in a way, I do not think it should matter who is right or wrong, we just need to work it out... truth is I do not know what to think anymore, I am doubting myself. Am I supposed to feel like a child as i do now, he obviously thinks I am unreasonable... am I? Thanks for all replies, I have been read so many threads trying to find answers to my questions but there is no other way to know than to post I guess...

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

Ditch him. You'll find someone hotter with less repugnant opinions to fuck.