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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my marriage is over?

101 replies

frenchdramaqueen · 15/02/2014 23:26

First time poster, really need some perspective... so here goes. DH and I have been going through a rough time and had a massive row tonight. We have a 3-yo DD and tonight my DH basically threw to my face that the reason why we have been so stressed and at each other throat is because I (on my own) decided to go back to work after having her. He also said he understood my reasons for wanting to do so (that is I like my job and my independence, plus I would feel miserable as a Sahm) but since it was my decision and I have not given him any choice in the matter, I should assume the consequences! WTF!
DH is quite stressed at work, we both work FT (I was actually Pt for the first 2 Years I went back to work, gradually increasing my hours), the deal is he gets DD ready for the CM to pick her at home in the morning (I leave home at 7 for work) and I have to be home at 6 when the CM drops her. Now we have agreed that 1 day a week, I do the morning shift with DD (sounds awful but yswim) so that I can stay later at work. My workload has increased a lot in recent years and this is a solution I found so that once a week i am not so stressed having to finish all at 5 before I have to rush home as he does this. He agreed to this, which is great as he has a job with more responsibilities than I do, and I appreciate he is willing to do it. I can be quite stressed by work too but try not to bring this home. Tbh i have to as DD can be quite challenging at times and every night there is at least one drama (she does not want to shower, brush her teeth, efc.... normal behaviour of a child trying to test her parents limits anyway) so I need the headspace to stay calm and patient. DD behaviour has been a source of disputes because it is wearing both of us down and we disagree on how to deal with it. I think we should not tolerate this type of behaviour but keep calm nonetheless (DD is familiar with time out of course, so I am not that laxist) DH thinks af some point and not systematically there is nothing wrong with smacking... also he said a few times that DD is manipulative and evil, which upsets me a lot as I do not think such a young child actively thinks that she wants to make her parents feel miserable. Finally I have the feeling that DH does not appreciate me as a person, it is little things like him constantly pulling me out on my untidiness (although he admits he is a bit Ocd, he picks up crumbs on the floor with his thumb as soon as he sees them, moans about DD sometimes dropping food on the floor..) and my carelessness (ok I am not big on putting things away after use etc..) I have come to think everything I do is irritating him. I have tried to discussthis with him, but when I told him I thought he did not like me and i was sad and confused he was quite dismissive of my feelings and basically said sonething like don't be stupid and also got very defensive. I guess I was expecting another response, he is supposed to love me ffs and not belittle my feelings and LISTEN. Yet when I said that to him, he told me it was typical of me to judge him on everything he says or does, that I was a control freak (which is ironic since he also thinks I am a permissive mother and sloppy) ... I am not quite sure he thinks what he says or he is just trying to win the argument. Which would be worse in a way, I do not think it should matter who is right or wrong, we just need to work it out... truth is I do not know what to think anymore, I am doubting myself. Am I supposed to feel like a child as i do now, he obviously thinks I am unreasonable... am I? Thanks for all replies, I have been read so many threads trying to find answers to my questions but there is no other way to know than to post I guess...

OP posts:

CoolaSchmoola · 16/02/2014 03:53

Damn phone...

... They ought to be aware that the capacity to have their needs met will have to take a backseat for a while to put their child's needs first. And that ranges from messy house to work choices.

CinnabarRed · 16/02/2014 04:03

I agree Coola - but at the mo all of the adapting seems to be the OP's expense, and none at her DH's.

CoolaSchmoola · 16/02/2014 04:25

I agree too, I think they need to both put the needs of their dd first and use them as the guide for some honest communication and change on both sides.

From the small issues such as playtime before pots, to bigger ones like work/child balance as the small ones can make a big difference to a child and family harmony as bigger ones.

SoldAtAuction · 16/02/2014 05:50

Dishes, crumbs, all of that means nothing.
You would contemplate ending your marriage, rather than reduce the hours you work!?

Have you thought about having a live in nanny? Then neither one of you has to do extra running around. Or hire a house keeper.

feelingvunerable · 16/02/2014 06:48

I agree with perfect storm.

Feminine · 16/02/2014 07:00

Actually, I think you are both selfish. I don't get the feeling either of you put your daughter first. Keeping your home nice, is important. Both of you will need to pull your weight in that department! If money is not an issue, perhaps one of you should go part time? I don't see your situated improving without some genuine changes. When you had your child you should have realised it wasn't going to be all about you anymore.

DarlingGrace · 16/02/2014 07:06

Well, full time work doesn't make for an easy life BUT I never understand how people apparently live in chaos and disorder when they are out of the house at work all day. Does the Mess Fairy come in and out turn your cupboards or something?

Cook , dishwasher, turn it on
Clothes, washing machine, turn it on
Toilet, bleach, leave it over night
Kitchen, cloth, wipe crumbs as you go

DarlingGrace · 16/02/2014 07:06

Cook , dishwasher, turn it on
Clothes, washing machine, turn it on
Toilet, bleach, leave it over night
Kitchen, cloth, wipe crumbs as you go

DarlingGrace · 16/02/2014 07:11

Oopsie, pressed enter too early.

There is usually one who holds the balance of power in most relationships, and it seems to be the OP - she is the one making all the decisions. All well and good if you want to get your career back on track, but you have increased your hours by stealth, without putting proper childcare in place. If you want to work later - then arrange anti-social hours with your CM.

In my life experience - there is also one person with a career and one with a job - only you two can decide who is going to be fulfilling that role.

Of course if you can't compromise and find a solution - who will be doing your childcare as you fire up your career as a LP, because one night a week and alternate weekends with the NRP isn't going to let you do very much at all ...... think very carefully about what you really want

OhMerGerd · 16/02/2014 07:15

You just sound like a really tired and stressed couple who're trying to find their way through the constantly changing and ever more complicated business of raising a child.

People say all sorts of rubbish in the heat of the moment. My DP and I have said vile things to each other when we have been sleep deprived, financially challenged, anxious about work, coping with illness, family interference, everyone else is doing it better than we are-itis :)

It all feels like that saying ' stop the world I want to get off' at times.

There is so much pressure to be 'perfect'.. And to get everything you think you need to do done in each day.

Actually you don't. So what if a 3 yo doesn't have shower? Or you have scrambled eggs for dinner and go to the park with her instead or just have a dance party in the living room to shake away your stresses and tire her out a bit - in a fun way where she gets attention without it being about getting through to the next bit on the routine.

And that's another thing. People take the word routine too literally. Yes children thrive with structure. But structure can be as basic as ... Breakfast, lunch and dinner and bed.

So much pressure is self inflicted. Try to relax a bit. Careers are important but your marriage and child are more so. And that works both ways. It's not just about you compromising ... Your DH needs to as well.

So no your marriage does not need to be over. You and DH need a little break ( doesn't have to be anything more than planning to have a lazy weekend...pretend you've gone away so you don't see any friends, no clubs, no shopping no nothing that you usually would do). Take DD out. To something where you don't have to interact with others unless you want to... A play park, national trust, the seaside( Maybe not during these storms) but somewhere the three of you can spend time just 'being' together. And while she runs, skips and plays .. You and DH talk.

About the joys of your DD, what you live about each other, happy plans for the future, more DC etc. frame it all in the positive. And together decide what you're going to stop doing, the things round the edges that aren't really, really important.

You can get through this. In the next couple of years DD will be at school and it will be all change again.

Loopytiles · 16/02/2014 07:17

Why are people giving the OP a hard time for working FT? Childcare is as much her husband's responsibility as hers, doesn't sound like he's made too many adjustments there, and as well as spending time with DC financial security is important.

I have a 3yo and work PT, her behaviour is challenging a lot of the time, whether their parents work FT, PT or not at all!

FT work doesn't make it easier to run a household, house might be less messy but there's the same (or more) washing, cooking, shopping, maybe slightly less cleaning, but less time to do it!

Soumds like her H wants her to work less in order to do more domestic work so that he can come home to a tidy house.

OP sounds like things are pretty bad, perhaps couples' counselling might be a way to discuss this stuff?

Loopytiles · 16/02/2014 07:18

Sorry, meant to say that many 3yolds have challenging behaviour whatever their parents working / non-working arrangements.

PrimalLass · 16/02/2014 07:21

Poor child. No wonder she is acting up. It sounds like you are both fighting over who has to spend the time with her.

Feminine · 16/02/2014 07:24

In her post op talks of not wanting to give up on her career at 33. That is fine, however something will have to give. Things sound stressed that because both parents want what they want. The dh does nothing to help the environment, nor does it appear op has any plans to?

foreverondiet · 16/02/2014 07:37

I have to say that two full on jobs and childcare outside the house is going to lead to a lot of stress in any relationship, especially if both parties aren't totally on board with it. Infact, I might even say two full on jobs and parenthood aren't really compatible with happy home life. One of you is going to have to compromise or you need to reevaluate your childcare.

NotYouNaanBread · 16/02/2014 07:52

You mention responsibility at work, but in terms of salary, does one of you significantly out-earn the other? Would your husband like to be a SAHD for a few years, or work part time? He sounds stressed and exhausted and the change of pace might suit him if he has the self-confidence to step outside old-fashioned norms etc. How does he feel about his job?

You also sound stressed - is your job really making you happy if you're coming home to a child who obviously desperately wants at least one of her partners to give her more time and attention?

Your daughter seems to be the one losing out here - all she wants is love and attention and both of you are freaking out about it. You both seem to have good careers and the implication is that you can live on one salary, so at least one of you needs to reassess working hours and be a bit more flexible for her sake.

TiredFeet · 16/02/2014 08:03

I agree wholeheartedly with OhMerGerd

Could either/both of you reduce your hours in the office and make up the time at home once dd is in bed, so she gets more time with you? I do a 3.5 day week and then make it up to 4 + days by working in the evenings once ds is in bed. I accept my career won't move as fast but equally I have not lost it either

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 16/02/2014 08:08

a 3yo evil? ltb.

anonacfr · 16/02/2014 08:21

From reading all these threads it seems to me that a lot of men (not all- I don't want to generalise) expect post children their lives to carry on exactly the way it was and naturally expect their working wives to manage all aspects of childcare and child logistics.
As if they've become parents but they don't actually want the responsibility of parenting.

It's all v depressing.

FlirtingFail · 16/02/2014 08:23

There is a huge amount of judging on this thread - it is perfectly possible to work FT and have a happy home life. I am FT and a single parent and our family life couldn't be happier.

Sorry to be blunt, but....your husband sounds like a dick - callling your DD 'evil and manipulative', constantly pulling you on the house, expecting you to give up work....

No wonder you are unhappy. I think it is very telling that you say he makes you feel 'like a child', that he 'does not like you' and 'constantly belittles you'. I lived with a man like this: yes we were both tired and stressed, but once we split up I was 500% happier and less stressed.

I am not saying LTB, but I think if you are asking yourself whether your marriage is over there is a possibility it is - or that you and your DD might have a happier and more relaxed life if you were not living with your H.

DDDDDORA · 16/02/2014 08:45

You are both being very selfish, put your child and her needs first. You need to sit down and talk through what issues you both have and then work out how you can resolve them. Compromise from both of you is the only way forward here, the three of you can not go on living in the stressful environment that you are living now it isn't fair on any of you especially your child.

DDDDDORA · 16/02/2014 08:45

SpringPlease · 16/02/2014 08:51

I don't think the OP is selfish. She seems to be living with a very unreasonable mean man. How awful of him to call his little child evil. Bit of displacement going on here on his part. I think anonacfr sums up the OP's situation perfectly. It's horrible to live with the type of man she describes and not good to start doubting yourself because of his behaviour.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 16/02/2014 08:51

I agree with OhMerGerd in general terms - I hate to sound like an old gimmer but people do give up on marriage too easily. It's very hard with work, kids, house.

BUT BUT BUT I do not like the sound of your dh saying dd is 'evil'. Is that really true? How was it said, in anger as a one off? If not, then I do think this is a massive issue. If he can't see her as a normal, naughty, messy young child but as a malignant, manipulative presence, that will damage her enormously.

SpringPlease · 16/02/2014 08:53

A child should not be blamed for anything in this type of situation.

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