to think my marriage is over?

[frenchdramaqueen]

First time poster, really need some perspective... so here goes. DH and I have been going through a rough time and had a massive row tonight. We have a 3-yo DD and tonight my DH basically threw to my face that the reason why we have been so stressed and at each other throat is because I (on my own) decided to go back to work after having her. He also said he understood my reasons for wanting to do so (that is I like my job and my independence, plus I would feel miserable as a Sahm) but since it was my decision and I have not given him any choice in the matter, I should assume the consequences! WTF!
DH is quite stressed at work, we both work FT (I was actually Pt for the first 2 Years I went back to work, gradually increasing my hours), the deal is he gets DD ready for the CM to pick her at home in the morning (I leave home at 7 for work) and I have to be home at 6 when the CM drops her. Now we have agreed that 1 day a week, I do the morning shift with DD (sounds awful but yswim) so that I can stay later at work. My workload has increased a lot in recent years and this is a solution I found so that once a week i am not so stressed having to finish all at 5 before I have to rush home as he does this. He agreed to this, which is great as he has a job with more responsibilities than I do, and I appreciate he is willing to do it. I can be quite stressed by work too but try not to bring this home. Tbh i have to as DD can be quite challenging at times and every night there is at least one drama (she does not want to shower, brush her teeth, efc.... normal behaviour of a child trying to test her parents limits anyway) so I need the headspace to stay calm and patient. DD behaviour has been a source of disputes because it is wearing both of us down and we disagree on how to deal with it. I think we should not tolerate this type of behaviour but keep calm nonetheless (DD is familiar with time out of course, so I am not that laxist) DH thinks af some point and not systematically there is nothing wrong with smacking... also he said a few times that DD is manipulative and evil, which upsets me a lot as I do not think such a young child actively thinks that she wants to make her parents feel miserable. Finally I have the feeling that DH does not appreciate me as a person, it is little things like him constantly pulling me out on my untidiness (although he admits he is a bit Ocd, he picks up crumbs on the floor with his thumb as soon as he sees them, moans about DD sometimes dropping food on the floor..) and my carelessness (ok I am not big on putting things away after use etc..) I have come to think everything I do is irritating him. I have tried to discussthis with him, but when I told him I thought he did not like me and i was sad and confused he was quite dismissive of my feelings and basically said sonething like don't be stupid and also got very defensive. I guess I was expecting another response, he is supposed to love me ffs and not belittle my feelings and LISTEN. Yet when I said that to him, he told me it was typical of me to judge him on everything he says or does, that I was a control freak (which is ironic since he also thinks I am a permissive mother and sloppy) ... I am not quite sure he thinks what he says or he is just trying to win the argument. Which would be worse in a way, I do not think it should matter who is right or wrong, we just need to work it out... truth is I do not know what to think anymore, I am doubting myself. Am I supposed to feel like a child as i do now, he obviously thinks I am unreasonable... am I? Thanks for all replies, I have been read so many threads trying to find answers to my questions but there is no other way to know than to post I guess...

[manchestermummy]

Oh and OP, is working part time really not an option? I know it can be hard to do the maths and work it out. I work pt and the yes, it was me who changed my hours: DH earn the same FTE; it could have term him too but I wanted to to. My career isn't over and the fact that I constantly go above and beyond in q more efficient manner than ft colleagues is doing a lot of good atm.

[frenchdramaqueen]

I just think he does not want to be with me. I am very confused granted, one minute I am blaming myself, the next I feel so wronged by him. He has deeper issues I think and needs probably to adress them. I cannot do that for him, I feel powerless. The 2nd child thing, I would not say that is on the agenda now. No way, that would be utterly irresponsible!

[Fairenuff]

OP hasn't said that they both need to work.

And posters have not said the OP needs to resolve this on her own, they have said that both parents need to prioritise their dd's needs above their own.

Her dh being an arse does not stop her seeing more of her dd

[manchestermummy]

The same page would be sitting down like rational adults and taking steps together. This page has the op wondering if her marriage is over and being held accountable for normal toddler behaviour.

[BIWI]

It sounds like you're earning reasonable salaries the pair of you - so I would suggest that you reconsider your current childcare arrangements, and get yourself a nanny, so your DD can at least be in her own home. It also takes some of the pressure off you in the morning, having to get her ready/out to the Child Minder.

And get yourself a cleaner as well.

Then you are free to spend good quality time with your DH and your DD.

It sounds to me like the pair of you are just mega stressed and taking it out on each other. So why not try and make life easier for you both?

[TiredFeet]

Your daughter doesn't sound difficult by the way, just like a normal 3 year old. For instance, time outs don't work for my son either, I just use other ways of disciplining him that do work for him (eg the toy he is playing with gets a time out instead). I also think (hope!) Its pretty normal to have to ask 3 year olds to do things several times.

I sypmathise with trying to fit 5 days work into 4 if you go part time and also the stress of having to leave on time but would doing work in the evenings once your daughter is in bed be an option?

[Rinoachicken]

OP, a number of people have suggested ways now that you could both be making home life easier for the pair of you and see more of your daughter.

But you now seem to be focussing solely on how to make your DH happy (plus your own desires) and have stopped mentioning your DD at all - doesn't she count?

[LEMmingaround]

"but say I am not ready to sacrifice something that is important to me,that is having some form of financial and psychological independence by working." But you wanted to have a family i presume?

Its not about sacrifice, its about compromise - which you both need to do.

Just stop trying to out-do each other, you are not on a feminist campaign trail - in fact if you were, you are going the wrong way about it by cow towing to the career treadmil which is demanding you sacrifice your family just now. Women shouldn't have to make this choice - more needs to be done so that women don't feel scared to put their families first and work ridiculous hours which just don't work, because they are scared of getting knocked off the career ladder they have worked hard to climb. There should be more done so that men can also take the same steps back from their careers and be able to pick up where they left of.

Until this happens there will be more and more families like the OP's, resentment festering because they both feel torn between work and family, stress and guilt because, like it or not - something has to give and people often simply can't afford for that to be work.

All these demands on your time and attention OP are resulting in you not being able to enjoy what should be a magical (albiet bloody knackering) time. In the long run, you know what - your DD will be fine, im sure she loves her CM and its what she knows, its ner normal and thats ok, its you and your DH that are missing so so much.

Look for ways to make your lives less stressful - the thing that is "giving" here is your relationship, you resent each other because its difficult, change priorities - put your family first (which iknow you are doing but really, make a list, family on top of it - everything else fits around that, it IS possible, its not made easy for people but people do make these things work).

My friend works full-time, long hours, long commute - she has two children, has just gone back to work following mat leave. It works because her DP has chosen not to follow the high-flying high earning career route that he could have done and is working a job that means that he can pick the children up from the CM at 4.30 and spend time with them, sort dinner etc, so that when my friend comes home she has some time with the boys. She also dropped a day so works four days, one from home - she gets to have family time that SHE needs. They both have made sacrifices and compromises - both highly qualified professionals who i admire as they have their priorities straight. I am AS qualified as them but chose to be a SAHM (there were other factors, ill-health being one of them), i don't regret that, i do regret not keeping my hand in and finding part-time/local work as i have found it impossible to return to my old career, again though, there are other factors (including a major employer leaving the area) that have come to play here. If i had my time over though - i'd not want to miss my DD growing up I now co-run my DP's business and am stepping up with more time etc, its a challenge im enjoying.

[Quinteszilla]

Did you discuss having a child? Did you actually want a child?

[frenchdramaqueen]

Honestly... DD is my first concern there, bcs guess what, if we split up, she will be the very first to suffer. We are grown ups, we are the ones making decisions and she is a child and will have to deal with a situation she has zero influence on... that is unfair for her. I do not need the guilt trip. I guess I am trying to establish how to balance what my daughter needs, what Dh expects and what I wish for. I have said that before, I believe in compromising, not sacrifice. But writing this, maybe I am wrong and just a silly woman??

[Rinoachicken]

Think your username fits you well

[Rinoachicken]

You seem to want people to tell you that you can have it all, that you and your DH can both work high level stressful jobs with long hours with a young DD and that everything will be hunkydory.

Sorry, but I don't believe you CAN have it all. Someone upthread got it right when they said something has to give and the thing that is 'giving' is your relationship.

Compromises need to made, from all sides. No point feeling sorry for yourself or trying to play the martyr.

If you want things to be better, talk to your DH and between the two of you agree on what compromises you are BOTH going to make in order to turn it around

[harriet247]

Im not sure about posting because i cant see that you are listening completely. I think you do need to lower your hours, obviously your dh isnr goibg to change. Even if you worked 4 days you would still get extra time with dd. 12 hours out of the house is such a long time for a toddler, 5 days a week. I think it is worth you looking at a nanny as i imagine you are spending a good 200 pr weej on the cm anyway. Also a cleaner 8 hours a week would be affordable if you thought it was worth it.

[bochead]

If your marriage is over and you do become a single parent you'll have to take SOLE responsibility for the weekday childcare arrangements while he takes DD every other weekend for fun times. I making the massive assumption that you'll follow the most common separation arrangement given that neither of you currently seems willing to apply any imagination to your situation. I also guarantee that if this happens your job will suffer.

Have either of you asked if you could work from home one day per week? In many careers this is now common practice. If you could BOTH do it then you'd only have to fret about childminder drop off and pick up for 3 days a week + one day not having to commute can make SUCH a difference to your stress levels. Also it's amazing how productive you can be at home if you need to get reports etc written as part of your job.

Most families have to make some compromise between career progression and childcare - it's called "work life balance". Sadly women do suffer the brunt of the compromises needed.

I think you need to have a serious think about whether your career or your marriage are more important before it is too late. Would moving from the private to the public sector help you, do you need to retrain. Is your current level of strain sustainable for much longer.

It's always better to CHOOSE change in good time, rather than have it foisted upon you. I'm not trying to sound harsh, just that as a single parent, I may have a perspective that I think you need to hear "from the other side".

[LEMmingaround]

I don't think you sound silly!
you say this is your first post - i think posting this issue in AIBU is always going to be contentious as it opens the whole WOHM/SAHM can of worms.

The fact remains that sacrifices come with the parenting territory, but that does NOT mean that sacrifices are only made by one parent.

I think you need a cleaner - your DH sounds obsessed, so HE needs to pay for that.

I think one or both of you need to reduce your hours - i think this is imperative, that day is too long for your DD. If you both reduced your hours by a small amount you could alternate the times so you both have equal share in child/care and quality time with your DD. She is acting up because it sounds to me like its very much mum and dad coming home = bedtime. Well shes not going to be chuffed about that is she - she needs time to wind down with you both.

Smacking is wrong wrong wrong - even a "tap" on the bottom - if its just a tap, it wont hurt, so whats the point and if its hard enough to hurt, make no mistake, its child abuse.

I guess I am trying to establish how to balance what my daughter needs, what Dh expects and what I wish for What is wrong with this sentence? What your daughter needs - thats good, what you wish for? fair tnough - What your DH expects? Who died and made him God? He needs to stop expecting and start helping! Your wishes? I wish i would win the lottery, i wish i could lose weight without having to give up beer - those are wishes, they would be nice, but not likely and not THAT important, you are entitled to have needs, so is your dd, and your DP, why does he get to be the one to expect?

Is it really like that? or is your resentment, guilt and stress painting it that way - if it is really like that, you know what? you're better off without him - if its the latter, then now is the time to address this.

Is he willing to sit down and discuss a way forward?

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Whilst I do find it a litle disturbing how your dd describes his DD, I do not think that your mariage is over (based on the information in tis thread only).

Instead, it seems like a lot is going on, quite a stressful environment, and the two of you are pulling apart rather than together. Consider counselling perhaps?

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

sorry typos

[dreamingbohemian]

I agree with manchester you would never think from reading this thread that millions of women work FT and have young children in childcare.

OP your DD's behaviour sounds like normal 3 year old behaviour. Btw my 3 year old can be a right devil and for much of the last year DH has been unemployed and I've been working at home, so he's been with us a lot. There's a lot of extrapolating going on here.

I do think it would be a good idea to get a nanny and cleaner, because it will make the days a bit shorter for your DD and also then you could eat dinner with her. (Everyone criticising the OP for missing dinner -- she does get home in time for dinner but the CM feeds her earlier.) With a nanny you could even put your DD on more of a 'French' timetable so she is up longer at night and you can have more time together (my DH is French ).

A cleaner every Friday would free up your weekends more.

I think given your experience with DH being redundant and his current stress, I can totally see why you are reluctant to put your own career on the backburner. It's actually quite sensible.

But it's worth considering a mutual sacrifice: you go back to 4 days, so you have 3 full days with DD (even if that means doing some work at night), and your husband stops working on the ipad all the time.

Someone upthread said 'you need to lower your hours, obviously your dh isn't going to change'. That is completely unfair and I can see why you are rebelling against this idea. I also can see why you don't want to make this sacrifice when he's being so off with you and saying such upsetting things.

[frenchdramaqueen]

Apologies, when someone says DD does not seem to count, it makes me angry. I regret my last post. I do not have a high flying career now, I would not want one either at the moment! I don't think anyone can have it all either. I just think later on I would like to have the choice on this. I think what many people are trying to say is that as the current situation does not work, both DH and I need to see how we can compromise (on working hours, chores.) and if we can agree on basic rules for education. I really do not know how this will work out, I want to make it work though, but it is not all down to me. Thanks for the replies, definitely got some perspective there...

[Viviennemary]

You just seem to want different things. When two people need to work full time because of financial need then they both have to pull together and work out a fair system of childcare and household stuff. But you shouldn't have to give up your career or go part-time unless that is what you want.

The solution is to get more help with housework and childcare if you dont' want to cut your hours. The trouble is that your are both incredibly stressed out. It's a long long day for your DD as well to be at the childminders so when she is being difficult that might be the reason.

[Jess03]

Ha perhaps I am a French drama queen, this could be us too. You have my sympathies, no advice, it took me a long time to accept that small dc are not compatible with both parents working ft in busy jobs, especially if you don't have family backup. I expect that the criticism of your dh is a big reason you are reluctant to work less and focus on family, it is for me. Ultimately you need to talk to dh a lot until you resolve these issues, be honest, what have you to lose?

[LEMmingaround]

I hope it works out for you french x Is there a possibility that you could find work more local to you? thats one thing - it sounds like your DH has been in his job a shorter time so they would be less flexible - can you ask your employers for more flexibility in your hours? Can you work from home one day a week - my friends company encourges this and they find it helps productivity.

[Fairenuff]

The bottom line is that if your dh won't compromise, you have no choice. You will either have to cut back your hours or separate.

You cannot force him to do what is right for his daughter. He should but it sounds like he won't. Don't let that stop you though.

[TeenAndTween]

OP - if you do go part time again, do 3 days a week, not 4. With 4 you end up (as you found out) just trying to do a whole week's work. With 3 it is clear this is impossible, so you have to learn to say NO to stuff.

I think you could all be a lot happier if you went part time for the forseeable future. Yes your career could suffer, but your child and your own quality of life could be massively enhanced from how it appears to be now.

[divisionbyzero]

To me it sounds like you as individuals have reached the end of your respective tethers (and your child is probably stressed out too!) and that if you do not both place family happiness and morale as your front-and-centre priority right now, at least until things have improved, no other solutions will fall out of the sky into your laps and things will get worse.

Work on all being happy, I expect you can fix things.