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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Fiances Step father in law singing at our wedding?

87 replies

JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:22

I am probably being totally U but Id like to get an unbiased opinion nonetheless. I am getting married in a year and we booked the wedding (typical hotel do) a few months ago. Everything has gone swimmingly thus far no stress, just a pleasureable experience. My parents are very generously - footing the bill so I suppose this takes away from any stress that might have otherwise happened.

My dp and I are planning the wedding equally, both agree on the type of wedding we want and there have been no bridezilla moments I have to speak up for myself when I say that I really am quite relaxed about the whole thing and wont be having any massively diva moments.

However and this is a bit of a (perhaps) irrational source of anxiety for me at the moment but my dp has dropped into conversation a few times about his stepfather and stepfathers brothers singing at our wedding. He raised this (in a kind of we should get x to sing at the wedding when we get married way) before we got engaged in passing conversation and I reacted like a bit of a bitch and said I didnt want this. Anyway, later on, to brush off the topic I said it would be fine, but only a few songs.

Anyway, fast-forward to our engagement and subsequent booking of the wedding and he mentioned it during lunch with my parents. Mum spoke to me on the phone about it asking if he was joking because its a bit sad dad singing at your wedding (I absolutely agree, they only like sixties stuff). To be fair, we went to a wedding of a close friend and the grroms bro and sis sang and everyone (bitchy I know, but us brits take the mick) did crack a few jokes about how utterly cringy it was (IT REALLY WAS VOIT-INDUCING).

One final thing my parents are not putting their views forward if anything they are keeping their beaks firmly out despite bankrolling the lot but I have noticed that whenever they suggest something, my dp dismisses it, But he seems to be assigning little jobs to his Mum and Stepfather (who he loves and has a nice relationship with but isnt really close to, whereas I am with my parents) like designing our wedding invitations?!

I KNOW I AM PROBABLY BEING TOTALLY U but would love to be told one way or another!

So sorry for unnecessarily long post (perhaps I am a bridezilla after all).

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:23

Sorry title should read - 'To not want Fiances Step father singing at our wedding'!!

OP posts:
Cyclebump · 14/02/2014 10:28

I come from a pretty musical background and am a good amateur singer. I have sung at a few weddings. I would NEVER assume I was singing at someone's wedding.

I offer if it's that kind of do (I've paid for the jazz trio I sing with as a wedding gift and been the singer), but when friends have declined I'm glad I've offered but don't feel at all offended. At one wedding the bride said she didn't want me having to 'work' but, when money problems arose and she couldn't pay professionals, I stepped in at her request and that was equally fine.

It's YOUR wedding, if they get snotty perhaps thy need to tone their egos down a bit.

Shakirasma · 14/02/2014 10:28

Why is it sad? My Bil and his band performed/sang at my wedding and it was amazing!

Is his stepdad not a good singer?

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:33

Thank you so much for the replies. It's not that they can't sing, it's that they think they're the Beatles (whole eyes closed, getting really into it thing) and whenever they sing (at bday functions) it's the kind of situation where everyone feels obliged to say how bloody amazing they are. I just don't think it is essential. I am a professional Saxophonist (albeit not by trade, but then my Stepfather is an Accountant by profession) but i would never expect to play at a friend or family members' wedding just because i can, if you get me? I accept that some people think the sax sounds awful and is a bit cheesy which is fine by me!

OP posts:
youmakemydreams · 14/02/2014 10:34

Why on earth is it sad?
Sorry but you don't sound very nice at all. Laughing at how cringy it was someones brother and sister singing at their wedding. Erm nope Brits don't take the piss unpleasant people do.
It sounds like something that is important to the man your marrying what is wrong with letting them do a couple of songs?
Even the remark about his parents sounds bitchy. So he's not as close with them but your parents are bank rolling this maybe just maybe he wants them to feel included in the plans so is giving them little jobs. I can see this being a very long year for you.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:39

Thanks for your reply, dreams. I can appreciate it coming across that way. I'm sorry but it just was cringy. We are a close knit group of mates and testing times have proved that, but things are what they are. Re: his parents, i am setting the context. My point being i am hacked off that he dismisses my parents tiny suggestions yet asks his to design all our invitations! It's the principle that annoys me.

OP posts:
Shakirasma · 14/02/2014 10:39

Fair enough. What entertainment did you have in mind, and what is your finances opinion of your suggestions?

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:41

We are both in agreement that we want a DJ - so that we can have a playlist of songs to suit every guest at some point.

OP posts:
canyou · 14/02/2014 10:42

we have a lot of musicians in the family they often do a few sets at weddings having ageeed with whoever was hired or they sing in the church or first dance could they do that?
and congratulations Thanks

diddl · 14/02/2014 10:45

Is there one song that you both like that they could sing a a compromise?

t3rr3gl35 · 14/02/2014 10:46

Maybe you could talk to him about it in a direct way. Tell him that you are hacked off that he is dismissing the suggestions made by your parents. He might be feeling hacked off that you are dismissing his stepfather's contribution? Can't help thinking that effective communication would make your life easier for the wedding and future.

youmakemydreams · 14/02/2014 10:46

Is it possible he is dismissing your parents suggestions because he on some level feels uncomfortable that they are paying for it all and is worried that they will take over planning the big stuff too? It could be a defence start as we mean to go on thing?
Sorry still think taking the piss was rude. It may have been cringy to you, you may all be the best of mates but it is clearly something that was special to that family. Are you worried if you let the father and uncle sing your great mates will laugh at you too? So what if they do. They don't have to be the main entertainment, your dp would like them to sing and the dad and uncle will feel honoured to be included. Is it really that awful an idea. They could do a couple of songs during the boring bit between meal and evening reception while people are milling about with drinks.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:47

thanks, canyou. We have a song in mind already for first dance. I have included his parents as much as possibly, their grandchildren are in the wedding party (even though they are likely to play up) but i knew pil's would like it. They are coming to our menu tasting (as a matter of fact i am paying for them to come but not mentioning this because i want them to be involved) and as a matter of fact, the venue we chose was their suggestion! They are very involved.

OP posts:
HesterShaw · 14/02/2014 10:48

So he can sing and he is good. Right. How is that dad?

My dad and his group did a slot at my wedding and my sister's. People loved it.

diddl · 14/02/2014 10:48

Would it be anything like

HesterShaw · 14/02/2014 10:48

Sad not dad.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:49

"as a matter of fact", gah

OP posts:
ormirian · 14/02/2014 10:49

I'd love it, cringey or not. I wish my eldest would get his band together so he could play at my 50th next year. But....if you don't like it I guess you are going to have to tackle your fiance directly.

Re giving little jobs to his family, perhaps it's precisely because your parents are paying for everything that he wants his parents to get more involved.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:51

diddl - thank you for the vid! I would actually prefer that!! At least it's a bit tounge in cheek. Fil takes it very seriously and growls very loudly down the mic. I don't know where to look when he sings at family parties.

OP posts:
WeekendsAreHappyDays · 14/02/2014 10:52

You sound mean - your post makes it sounds like dp wants this and as for this "have included his parents as much as possibly, their grandchildren are in the wedding party" well why wouldn't they be they are related to dp you know

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:53

weekendsarehappydays, they are the naughtiest kids ever!!!!! I have small children in my family to and they haven't had a look in.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:53

*too

OP posts:
WeekendsAreHappyDays · 14/02/2014 10:55

t my dp has dropped into conversation a few times about his stepfather and stepfathers brothers singing at our wedding. He raised this

Dp wants it.

crispycronut · 14/02/2014 10:57

Sorry but i'm hooting with laughter at your post. My Best friend had exactly the same issue with her 'FIL to be' who is also in a 60's ish group. I have never seen my BF in such a panic!

She did compromise in the end by allowing 2 songs but he sneaked in a third which meant lots of eye closing and a bit of air guitar thrown in for good measureGrin

We all loved it and it kept family harmony. She made it clear that the reason he wasnt needed for to do the whole night was because she felt he was too important and they wanted him meeting and greeting and socialising all night and not having to workWink

Mia4 · 14/02/2014 10:58

It should be you and your dp's wedding no one else's so in regards to him dismissing your parents ideas when you want him to hear them then you need to tell him how you feel. If you want to do invites and things then speak up. If you can't be honest with your dp and he ignores how you feel then it's jot the best start to a marriage is it? You sound resentful and he sounds like he's overuling.

In regards to.singing then.if you really don't want and he does then comprise. Be honest and say how you feel, accept he wants it and perhaps ask then to sing a.limited number of songs while photographs are going on and people are mingling. They'd be more background noise so those who wanted to listen could and those who didn't didn't have to.

If they moan about that then it shows they are doing it to tart themselves and seek attention rather then as a nice gesture. In which case they should be reminded that it'd not about them.