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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want Fiances Step father in law singing at our wedding?

87 replies

JennyCol · 14/02/2014 10:22

I am probably being totally U but Id like to get an unbiased opinion nonetheless. I am getting married in a year and we booked the wedding (typical hotel do) a few months ago. Everything has gone swimmingly thus far no stress, just a pleasureable experience. My parents are very generously - footing the bill so I suppose this takes away from any stress that might have otherwise happened.

My dp and I are planning the wedding equally, both agree on the type of wedding we want and there have been no bridezilla moments I have to speak up for myself when I say that I really am quite relaxed about the whole thing and wont be having any massively diva moments.

However and this is a bit of a (perhaps) irrational source of anxiety for me at the moment but my dp has dropped into conversation a few times about his stepfather and stepfathers brothers singing at our wedding. He raised this (in a kind of we should get x to sing at the wedding when we get married way) before we got engaged in passing conversation and I reacted like a bit of a bitch and said I didnt want this. Anyway, later on, to brush off the topic I said it would be fine, but only a few songs.

Anyway, fast-forward to our engagement and subsequent booking of the wedding and he mentioned it during lunch with my parents. Mum spoke to me on the phone about it asking if he was joking because its a bit sad dad singing at your wedding (I absolutely agree, they only like sixties stuff). To be fair, we went to a wedding of a close friend and the grroms bro and sis sang and everyone (bitchy I know, but us brits take the mick) did crack a few jokes about how utterly cringy it was (IT REALLY WAS VOIT-INDUCING).

One final thing my parents are not putting their views forward if anything they are keeping their beaks firmly out despite bankrolling the lot but I have noticed that whenever they suggest something, my dp dismisses it, But he seems to be assigning little jobs to his Mum and Stepfather (who he loves and has a nice relationship with but isnt really close to, whereas I am with my parents) like designing our wedding invitations?!

I KNOW I AM PROBABLY BEING TOTALLY U but would love to be told one way or another!

So sorry for unnecessarily long post (perhaps I am a bridezilla after all).

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 14/02/2014 10:58

According to your OP you have actually already agreed to it.

"Anyway, later on, to brush off the topic I said it would be fine, but only a few songs".

I think that if you changed your mind now it would cause problems. Maybe you could take control by choosing the songs you want them to sing. Create a short set for them to perform.

pictish · 14/02/2014 10:59

Hmm...OP I can't see a problem with them perhaps doing one song. I think it would be fun.

Also, I don't know if you are aware of this, but your OP comes across a bit like you're saying that your parents are more important than your dp's family. Why shouldn't he assign his own lot little jobs? Have your parents bought the right for you to decide everything?

StanleyLambchop · 14/02/2014 10:59

I think you sound mean 'as a matter of fact'. Weddings are for all ages, so your 'young' friends may snigger at oldies singing, but if it means something to your DP then why would you not want to make him happy too? I also think asking them to design invitations is a really nice thing to do- designed with love. It sounds like you do not like the 'home made' aspect that his family will provide- would rather stick with professionals so that all your friends will be impressed? Sorry if this is not the case but that is how you are coming across. YABU, let them sing FFS!

whippetwoman · 14/02/2014 11:00

I don't think you sound mean at all. It sounds as if it's going to be a potentially cringe-worthy and awkward moment that would make you feel uncomfortable and embarrassed on your wedding day. I don't blame you not wanting it.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 11:02

weekendsarehappydays i appreciate that. And he has responsibility for picking much of everything else. Just to add, stepdads brother is a truly horrible man, vile to dps mother and frankly i dont want him taking centre stage at my wedding. My wedding is not the warm up act for his concert. I didn;'t add this at first because it wasnt relevant - my dislike for him isn't the main reason i dont want it. I might add that dp hasnt even mentioned it to his parents but has brought it up on occasion. I'd be lying if i said he goes on about it all the time, it is more of a case of me wanting to nip it in the bud early on. I thinki am making a mountain out of a molehill and giving off completely the wrong impression in this thread. We are really enjoying the planning process and haven't had any cross words. We are not being uptight about it. But for once i would just like a day that appeals to both of us. The evening entertainment is SUCH a big part of the day.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 14/02/2014 11:04

It sounds awful. So awful I want to come and shout out requests.

Electryone · 14/02/2014 11:06

Im another one thinking that whilst its your wedding you aren't coming across as very nice "us Brits take the mic"...no that will just be you and your equally rude friends! Strikes me as quite nasty to. I had a DJ at my wedding but I wanted my cousin to sing a song, which she did and it was lovely - not "sad" at all.

Tryharder · 14/02/2014 11:06

Let him do a set (5 songs) and then carry on with the DJ

It's not clear from your posts how good his band is though.

If the are the second Beatles and can do some decent golden oldies, it will be brilliant.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 11:16

haha limitedperiodonly - not if i get there first!

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 14/02/2014 11:17

I think you need to take control of your own wedding, or you are going to start your married life with a huge chip of resentment on your shoulder.

Electryone · 14/02/2014 11:23

All alone what do you mean by "taking control"? I agree about the resentment bit but in this case its something OPs DP wants....and its his wedding to, something that Ive seen a lot if brides ignoring in the past!

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 11:37

Thanks everyone. i will have a chat with him tonight - like i said, it's me making the big deal - i'm sure he won't mind.

OP posts:
DejaVuAllOverAgain · 14/02/2014 11:43

I feel like I must be reading a different thread to everybody else. What I see is the dp including his family eg kids in wedding party/designing invitations/dad and uncle singing yet dismissing, and in doing so excluding, every little suggestion the op's parents make.

Yes, it's his wedding too but it's also the op's wedding. If his family are going to be involved then the op's family should be too and not just financially.

OP you need to sit down with him and point out that he's not being fair to dismiss your family while including his own. If you can't talk to him about this then you really shouldn't be getting married.

haveyourselfashandy · 14/02/2014 11:53

It's your wedding and your opinion matters.If you don't want them to sing don't let them.Also,I hope your dp appreciates your parents footing the bill,I wouldn't be happy with him asking his parents for lots of input.I don't understand that.It's YOUR wedding too.

Original poster
JennyCol · 14/02/2014 11:54

thanks dejavu, you summarised my feeling entirely. I just feel that the 'Bridezilla' connotations only result in the bride feeling as though she has to be completely passive and let everyone do what they want just so as not to look like a diva. I find it hard to say no at the best of times.

He will understand, it's me making the problem. He would be shocked to see all this on here to be honest, because it isn't a big deal. I think he probably thought i'd think it was a good idea.

Thanks for all your advice

OP posts:
haveyourselfashandy · 14/02/2014 11:55

X post with Deja,I would be telling your fiance straight,he doesn't sound very nice tbh.

ercolercol · 14/02/2014 12:04

You don't sound mean and step-FIL. Sounds awful and cringy. Just say no. Keep saying no. I bet once he got centre stage he'd never get off again.

And yes I have been to weddings with family singing and taken the piss. It is a British thing to do to take the Mickey, not sure where the holier than yous come from.

Take lots of toys for the naughty children, don't assume their parents will. Or colouring or raisins etc etc.

Your dp dismissing your parents idea is a bit concerning, I would head over the the relationships board if it continues or if he starts to stop you seeing them so much.....

Have a great day!

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 14/02/2014 12:09

The bridezilla thing can be annoying when used incorrectly. Some women can be bridezillas eg, making ridiculous demands such as people having to wear certain colours at their wedding/throwing tantrums because the napkins are the exact same shade of blue as the bridesmaid's dresses. However, I also think it's a term used too freely by people who want to manipulate the bride into doing what they want.

From your last post he doesn't sound bad just perhaps a little thoughtless and carried away which can happen to the best of us Grin Talk to him, you'll probably have to compromise on the stepdad singing, a set of 3 songs perhaps? that's for you two to work out. He can compromise by not automatically dismissing anything your parents suggest but discussing it with you first and making a joint decision on any suggestions made. That could apply to both sides of the family.

Good luck :)

MrsMoon76 · 14/02/2014 12:15

Oh god, I hate the family singing thing. I may have the wrong idea but here in Ireland you always get "the singsong". I banned it ay my wedding - partly because someone will end up singing a "rebel" song and DH's family from NI wouldn't have appreciated it but mainly because I just hate it....

Your SFIL sounds like they are a bit better than that though but its both your wedding and your OH's. You both have to decide and agree together. Oh as for wedding invites....why would he ask his parents to do it? its your wedding. It your job to do these things.

PuppyMonkey · 14/02/2014 12:17

I wonder if you could agree to letting them do their set in the evening, I mean quite late, when everyone is pissed as a fart - you could slip off to get changed or something and not have to be there and everyone else would probably find it hilarious and then the DJ could come on after 2 dongs and everyone dances the night away. Voila Grin

PuppyMonkey · 14/02/2014 12:18

2 songs I mean.

BackforGood · 14/02/2014 12:27

You are becoming part of this family. If it's part of their family celebrations that they sing, then I think you would be wrong to stop it. Does it really matter if they do a 15min set in the middle of a 4hour party ? Confused Just have the party the way you want it, and ask them if they'd like a 15mins slot at {insert time}. I also thought I'd read in your op that you have already agreed to it.

If, however, it's not about the singing, but about some 'tit for tat' about whose side of the family is having more 'bits' to do for the wedding, then that's a different issue altogether.

diddl · 14/02/2014 12:29

Is it a church wedding?

If so, can they sing whilst you sign the register so that you don't see/hear them??

If your HTB would like it, it would be nice to find a way.

Is he thinking of it for him or them, though?

Sounds as if limiting them might not work so that a yes or no is needed.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 14/02/2014 12:31

I don't think you sound unreasonable or 'unpleasant' fgs...some people drive you nuts on here don't they?!

I am also laughing at your post (sorry) - family singing is cringe unless a) kids or b) they are, uhh, actually really good.

I'd go for the 'just 2 songs' option and remember people love funny/cringey moments at weddings!

merrymouse · 14/02/2014 12:36

I haven't heard them sing so I don't know - your problem seems to be that your other half doesn't seem to find them cringeworthy rather than whether they are objectively cringeworthy. If it really matters to him humour him. If he isn't that bothered then just be honest.

I agree with the suggestion of having them sing later in the evening rather than for your first dance - it might be that by that point everybody is up for something a bit cheesy (or they have gone home).

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