To ask if you have ever been the OW

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

Not a TAAT but it has been inspired by another thread.

After reading another thread the ladies in my office got chatting about whether or not we had ever been the OW.

We all have by some standard have been in the position of the OW. One example from myself, I slept with a married man. Silly one night stand at around the age of 19 with a man I vaguely knew and had met a few times. Didn't find out till after that he was actually married. The other ladies stories vary between them knowing, knowing they had been married but told they had split when they hadn't and then not knowing.

How many of you have either knowingly or unknowingly (at the time) been the cheatee?

I honestly don't know. Ex boyfriend and I were getting on grand for 6 months or so, then I went on holiday (booked before the start of the relationship). When I came back he had developed a new job and a second phone. Some excuse about wanting a new handset but having to see out a contract, but kept the phones hidden and left the room to answer them.

Driving home early from a late shift I saw him snogging another woman on the street outside the pub he worked in. Played a game of join the dots after assessing the times he had been unreliable or unavailable and made a pointed phone call.

He was shagging her but apparently we had "never made it official", whatever that means. I still don't know if she was the other woman or I was.

Either way a lucky escape. It was the impetus I needed to sell up and ship out. They are still together and by all accounts he is still shagging around. I moved home and met DH.

I would never willingly or knowingly be the other woman. Being cheated on is too painful.

Once with a married man - i was 19 and he was in his 40s, he was my boss. We all went out for a leaving do and i got very drunk. I worked as a receptionist in a sales office. The blokes were all buying me shots etc. I can't remember a great deal but woke up in my bosses bed. I felt sick. His wife was away for the weekend. The room was really feminine - laura ashley curtains and bedspread, cuddly toys everywhere, heart shaped photo frames of them next to the bed. SLogans about marriage on a plaque thing on the wall. I got up and he drove me home chatting away like nothing happened.

After that i felt terrible and i quit my job soon after. But when i look back as a 30 something i realise he totally set up the situation and i think it was a bit of a competition between the sales guys to get the pretty receptionist drunk and fuck her. Oddly enough i still felt i should be really nice to him as he was my boss. I felt embarrassed in front of him like i had to make amends. All very weird.

I have never slept with a married man. Nor, so far as I know, have many of my friends. I have been tempted in my past, and had opportunities, but I regard it as a very serious thing to do and resisted.

And yes, I would and do judge friends who do this, particularly if there are children involved (unless there are mitigating circumstances: marriage really over, etc). I wouldn't say anything to them about my disapproval unless pushed, though.

Never. I would feel far too concerned about the wife/gf.

I have cheated on partners though, so I can't exactly take the moral high-ground.

I met a man when I was 21 (he was 28) and he confessed he was married after we had kissed a few times. I was in a very bad place personally (it was about 2 months after a very upsetting break-up with my long term partner) and I think I just felt flattered by the attention. We continued seeing each other and after 8 months he told me he loved me and was going to leave his wife. It was a huge reality check. Up until then the term 'married' was just a label, I had never even thought about the wife and I had never, ever wanted or expected him to leave her for me. He told me that his feelings had gone too far with me, he hadn't meant for it to happen but he couldn't stay with his wife anymore and wanted to officially be with me. I was absolutely petrified by how serious it had suddenly got and I realised how naïve I had been. I told him I didn't want him to leave his wife for me and then I ended things between us.

We stayed in touch for a few months (text and email only) and he and his wife split up anyway about 3 months later. I don't know if he ever told her about his affair, I never asked. It was a long time ago now though we had no contact for about 3 years then one day I got a 'facebook friend request' from him. We chatted for a few weeks just in a general 'how are you manner' but we do not have any contact at all anymore.

Yes I have. I don't feel guilty about it, I was young and I wasn't the one with commitments.

One of my friends has three sisters and they are all named after her dad's mistresses, or as her mother says- 'the ones who didn't quite make it'
Another friend had her father set her up with a new job and only found out later it was within a business belonging to his latest mistress.
I've been made to go to lunch in London with my father and his mistress, it's no wonder it took me a while to sort out some skewed morals.

I think there was definitely an element of naivety, never having really been in love and not having any sort of empathy or understanding of the impact of the situation for me. Now I can't ever imagine behaving in that way.

as a general rule, if single at the time I don't think the OW should need to feel guilty. if the man wasn't available he should say no. it does take two after all. I have turned down an very insistent (and gorgeous) guy since I've been with DH, the choice was mine, he had no commitments elsewhere. these things do not happen unless both parties want it to, I feel it is up to the unavailable party to stop it happening.

You have to be a real self centrered, egoist lacking in empathy to knowingly sleep with someone else's husband And not feel guilty.

Yes 19 and naive. Also unknowingly...until the smartass had the "confidence" to start brandishing the wedding ring! I dumped him with a swiftness. He showed behaviour post dumping that made me feel sorry for his wife more than the fact that he was/is a cheat.
It gives me great satisfaction to know that even the men in his circle think that he is a buffoon. Twenty three years later and still on the cheating merry go round!

Yes, many, many years ago. I didn't realise how shitty it was until I was older and cheated on left, right and centre by my DD's Dad. Karma well and truly bit me on the arse.

Yes. When I was 19 I had a six month affair with a guy from work who was married with two daughters.

He fell head over heels in love with me but I always knew it was just great casual sex.

His wife found out after six months. She snooped and pulled my number off his phone and called me up under the guise of a wrong number. After this, I just walked away and left him to it. He kept on at me that he loved me and to be with him but I was too young to be lumbered so just cut all contact.

He emailed me randomly a few months ago (apparently found my website online randomly- yeah right... we've all done Google stalking mate, its fine) and asked how I am etc. I haven't emailed back, can't be bothered.

john I doubt there are that many that say 'I'm happily married, fancy hooking up?' - they are much more likely to claim they are separated, leaving the wife soon, desperately unhappy. and if the OW isn't looking for a relationship, just wants a bit of fun I cant see why it should be up to her to be the moral one and feel guilty for someone else betraying their wedding vows. unless she held a gun to his head, he agreed to do it!

It says a lot about someone's integrity or lack of, to seriously think 'it's ok because I'm the single one. I did nothing wrong!'

Yes you bloody did. In a different way to the married person, but its still a vile way to act.

Yes. Once. Sadly knowingly.

We were friends first, within a group. I had been happily single a long time and when he approached me I found myself very easily giving in to the temptation. It was a massive ego boost tbh.

It sounds trite but I doubt I will ever fully forgive myself. Years later and I still find it scary how easily I could brush aside his wives (and my friends) feelings in it all. I thought she wouldn't care. She had a very matter of fact approach to their marriage and openly said she had picked him from the office because he was the 'safe' one and the one most likely to give her what she wanted (house, cars, stability for kids etc) It's absolutely no excuse but it was long running thing within the group that she may as well have picked him from a catalogue. It made it very easy to justify it to myself.

From his point of view it was an ego boost and purely about the sex. He made that very clear when I found myself pregnant and his wife found out. They are still together years later and I am still full of self loathing about it.

That just says a lot about you queen.

Cricketpitch. Come on that is a very weak excuse. Widen your social circle and get some ambition. There are plenty of single people in their thirties, etc. However you have to realise that even in our "sex is everything" days, a lot of men are quite circumspect. If you give off an air of " I'll take anything out of the slim pickings" vibe, do you think that anybody with half an ounce of sense and confidence will want you?
I have a cousin and she is generically pretty. She goes with "people's men" to the point that I wonder if she can get "excited" about single , non drama llama males. So not being "traditionally pretty" is an excuse that you are hiding behind.
Maybe you need to examine the culture of yourself and the people that you hang with. You seem to have found a way to justify a behaviour pattern of yours that is not making you too happy. It's not as if you are brazenly defending your position a la some that have perused this site.
Even you must know that a relationship based on image and looks is not going to be "right". You only have to look at David and Victoria Beckham and their smoke and mirrors "family " image to ascertain that!
Get some self esteem. Also, kill in your mind the person/people who have indoctrinated you with that fuckery philosophy of "I'm condemned to fucking with taken men because I missed the boat because of my looks".
Changing a philosophy sometimes means changing your whole life. Lose the losers that you roll with. They, partnered or not from their twenties, and "good looking" probably have affairs too. Affairs and the cheating dynamic are rarely about "looks". It's just something that cheaters and the co conspirators use to keep themselves from escaping their weakness of character.

No never.
I even turned down a hot separated guy because his ex was pregnant with his baby. He even got her to tell me she was fine about us going out I told him no way was I getting involved. I'm glad because after I declined he started dating someone else who was dumped sharply when his wife had their son and took him back.

it doesn't john, it says a lot about people in general. I didn't say you would be a particularly moral person if you didn't feel guilty about it but the blame firmly lies at the feet of the married person, not the single one. to deliberately go after someone who is married is wrong, but to disregard your own wedding vows is far far worse.

Yeah yeah no one should give a shit about anyone. It's 'just fun' and not your responsibility. I get your position queen really I do.

Oh, I never answered the "do any of you still speak to the person?" question.
Hell to the no! I see him around about once a year. He deceived me and in all honestly (with the comfort of hindsight) Him being far more experienced and having an "agenda", he probably manipulated me.
I can't stand cheats. Cheating has mashed up so much of my close and extended family. It's almost a culture in Jamaica, whether the person is "high" or "low" born. I couldn't depend on or share with a man who had a history of cheating. I know too well, from my grandmother, father, two uncles, mother, brother (mother's son), sister, various cousins etc how all cheats and people who continuously "find" themselves with taken people.
Their thought patterns and outlook on life is akin to personality disordered . A serial cheat and a serial mistress/gigolo will be cheats in other parts of their lives, too.
Once you've found yourself "unknowingly" with a partnered man, you will know the questions to ask and the signs to look for so as to avoid the situation again. Also one has to raise one's standards, too. Falling into bed with any Tom, Dick or Harry doesn't give people time to investigate a prospective partner's status. I'll probably be flamed as a "slut shamer" now!

OK this is shameful, when I was 24 I went out with my married boss who had a six month old baby. We stayed together until just before his second child was born. He and his wife are still together now and have more children. I hope their relationship is good.

All my friends were disgusted and refused to meet him, I even helped buy his wife's Christmas present. The thing was we got on very well rather than fancying the pants off each other. Because of intense guilt I only slept with him twice but we spent every week day evening together and his wife used to call up every evening.

The worst was one night he stayed at my house (his wife was 6 months pregnant) and he said how lovely my body was compared to his pregnant wife's - I felt a bit sick. I never wanted him to leave her and always tried to be very positive and even defended her.

Since having my own DC I've felt awful about this.

Also been the OW on other occasions but only one other man had children.

I would never cheat on DH and never have done.

No, never have, never would. Was propositioned numerous times by a married neighbour when I was in my twenties. I did fancy him, and for a split second considered it, and then I got a grip of my moral compass. I don't understand how people can do that to another woman. You may not have made vows to her, but you do owe her the empathy and decency we owe all other people we aren't personally connected to.

I have been cheated on though, and no I don't blame the OW. I think she lacked morals, empathy and decency, but the 'blame' lies fair and square with my DH.

The worst was one night he stayed at my house (his wife was 6 months pregnant) and he said how lovely my body was compared to his pregnant wife's - I felt a bit sick

what a total cunt :(

(not you, the "man" )