Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have ever been the OW

153 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 12/02/2014 10:34

Not a TAAT but it has been inspired by another thread.

After reading another thread the ladies in my office got chatting about whether or not we had ever been the OW.

We all have by some standard have been in the position of the OW. One example from myself, I slept with a married man. Silly one night stand at around the age of 19 with a man I vaguely knew and had met a few times. Didn't find out till after that he was actually married. The other ladies stories vary between them knowing, knowing they had been married but told they had split when they hadn't and then not knowing.

How many of you have either knowingly or unknowingly (at the time) been the cheatee?

OP posts:
laregina · 12/02/2014 11:03

I kind of was. I was 18, he was older and in a position of authority creep

He was separated from his wife but not yet divorced - she knew about me and didn't give a monkeys - was probably happy he was off her hands actually because he turned out to be a prize tosser.

But yes technically he was married so I suppose I was the OW. But I was young and very naïve. Never touched a married man with a bargepole since (apart from my own DH obviously Grin)

otherwomantwice · 12/02/2014 11:03

That's shocking Squirrelsmum!

(Of him, that is, not you!)

everydayaschoolday · 12/02/2014 11:05

no, never.

otherwomantwice · 12/02/2014 11:07

"Do any of you still speak to the person?"

I still see one of mine occasionally, the first one. He's very special to me and always will be, although nothing untoward has happened for years, and won't ever again.

The second one, no way. He mooned after me for a bit on email, but I ignored and he went away. No idea on earth what I saw in him really.

cricketpitch · 12/02/2014 11:07

Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time
This is also a pertinent comment.

One man I met was absolutely the right person. He was in a long-term relationship - we had a very intense few years seeing each other very, very occasionally - no sex because he wasn't free. He then had a child. We agreed to cut all ties. His messy relationship took a long time to finally break up. By then it was too late for both of us.

QueenofKelsingra · 12/02/2014 11:08

"Do any of you still speak to the person?"

I see him semi regularly. he is my closest male friend (after DH). DH knows all about our history and is comfortable with the situation.

jennifleurs · 12/02/2014 11:09

Yes, a couple of times and my last 'relationship' was with someone I knew well who was engaged (they're now married).

Almost every partner I've had has cheated on me. I have never cheated on any of mine though and never would.

I think I did it to see what it was like to be the other secret woman.

Doubtfuldaphne · 12/02/2014 11:12

I have. I was naive and fell completely in love with him. He was open about his gf from the start and I thought he would leave her. It went on for about 6 months. Eventually she found out and he told me it couldn't go on. I was devastated.
They're now married as am I. Only when I found my dh and had a family did I realise how selfish and cruel I'd been thinking it was ok to do this.

NigellasDealer · 12/02/2014 11:13

yes

PansOnFire · 12/02/2014 11:14

Inadvertently. My ex led me to believe he was single, we started getting back together, then he changed his mind and moved abroad. I later found out that he'd had a girlfriend after me who he hadn't broken up with even though he told me it was over between them.

Then he did it again, he was living abroad and said he missed me. He had a week off work so we met in a city near to where he was working and we stayed together for a week, reliving old times and essentially being a couple. At the end of the week it all went a bit strange, he had arranged for a friend to come and meet him after I had gone but the friend had contacted him to say they would be arriving earlier in the day. He'd agreed to accompany me to the airport and then to go and meet his friend at the train station, he literally shoved me in a taxi to the airport about 5 hours early! Then I figured it out. So I stooped to an all new low and posted all about my week on Facebook, tagging him in everything. Then he got dumped by the girl he was actually seeing, I see it as doing her a favour. It didn't last long though as they are back together even now.

He was a nasty piece of work when he put his mind to it, a few years later he appeared in my life again and this time I was married, he tried to kiss me and then laughed at how 'loyal' I was when I told him it wasn't happening, he was back with the same girl he'd cheated on before. I truly couldn't see this side to him when we were together but we got together when I was 15 and completely naive. I dread to think how many people he's been with, despite only having 3 girlfriends who have taken up the majority of his life between 15-30years of age!

So yes, I say I'd never do it deliberately but if my husband had been with someone else then I'm not sure that would have stopped me. I know we're meant to be together.

NigellasDealer · 12/02/2014 11:14

but i wasnt begging him to leave his wife and kids for me, i would never do such a thing. I kept him at arms length as he deserved!

hoppinghare · 12/02/2014 11:15

Cricket pitch - he obviously did not think you were the right person for you or he would have left his girlfriend to be with you, especially as they did not have children when you met.

And if you want to meet a decent man perhaps you should wait until you find an available one.

Fleta · 12/02/2014 11:16

Yes utterly accidentally.

I was 18 he was 48. I met him at the tugby club I worked at. He was very upfront - told me he was still legally married, but separated and they were living apart. Dated him for 6 months until I discovered that he hadn't been quite as upfront.

He was still married - the "bachelor pad" he took me back to was a rental property he owned and that he had told his wife he was working on to make it rentable. In reality he'd completed the work in a fortnight and was using it to have an affair.

bebbeau · 12/02/2014 11:16

I have been the cheater

I cheated on my exH as basically we weren't happy, hadn't been for years, and I fell in, lets face it, lust, with another man (who was single) , my feelings for him gave me the push to leave exH as he made me realise how shit and over my relationship was. I didn't get in a relationship with OM as I didn't want to, I was so much happier single

then a few months later I met now dh, been together 6 years, married 3 with dc3 on the way! and even after all this time, I honestly could never imagine wanting any one other than him, and, to me, that means he must be the right one for me.

Fleta · 12/02/2014 11:16

tugby clearly being the best typo in view of this thread. RUGBY.

cricketpitch · 12/02/2014 11:16

One of my loveliest friends was very anti-OW but by the time she was thirty eight and had an amazing job but hadn't had a relationship since her mid twenties she fell for a wonderful married man. It lasted five years and ended badly but she sees the other side of it now.

ExcuseTypos · 12/02/2014 11:16

No I haven't and I never would.

Tailtwister · 12/02/2014 11:20

No. I did really fall for someone who was engaged though, although he never knew how I felt (I hope!) and nothing ever happened. His marriage broke up a few years later and I was married to DH by then. He's remarried (very happily) now and we see each other a lot (he's a friend of DH's). It's weird because I still do really like him, but I would be mortified if anyone ever found out. I haven't ever told a soul.

kotinka · 12/02/2014 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mama1980 · 12/02/2014 11:21

Kinda, I had No idea, met at work (in my job we worked away a lot) a guy told me he was single we had a short fling, just a couple of nights really. I was shocked when someone took me aside back home and told me he had a fiancé, I was furious ended it immediately someone told her and she came to see me it was all very civilised she realised I genuinely didn't have a clue, just asked what happened, I told her. She decided she didn't want to marry the cheating lying bastard, we're still friends and she's happily married now to a lovely man.

teenagetantrums · 12/02/2014 11:22

Yes i have, was young and stupid, i was 19, he was in his 40's,married no kids, lasted a few months, his wife actually caught us together in his house, not my finest moment. When i bumped into him about 10 years later they were still together and had gone on to have a child.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooooom · 12/02/2014 11:23

Ok, so a side question, who would have wanted it to develop further i.e for them to leave their wife/girlfirend for you?

My answer is no absolutely not. I am glad it was never uncovered.

OP posts:
halfwildlingwoman · 12/02/2014 11:23

I slept with someone else's boyfriend when I was at university. My mitigation being that I was young, lonely and drunk. He wanted to leave her for me but I refused. She was actually a friend of mine and I found out later that she did know and forgave me (think he told her) I felt bloody awful about that. I still occasionally speak to him and although I haven't seen her for ten years I did go to her son's christening, so it worked out.

I was once offered the chance to be a OW. A bloke at work that I was friendly with made a pass at me, more than once. I was with DP by then anyway and didn't want to cheat, and tried to avoid being alone with him. He was engaged but no DC. It was clearly an unhappy relationship and once I'd laid down the rules we actually had a good friendship. Once he ended it and met someone else he stopped chasing me and eventually married her. I went to the wedding. He wasn't a cheater by nature, just with the wrong person.

DISCLAIMER On re-reading this post I realise that I sound like some sort of femme fatale. I'm not! I can count the number of men that have actually actively pursued me on the fingers of one hand.

motherinferior · 12/02/2014 11:24

Yes.

Agree with cricketpitch about the dearth of available single men in their 30s though I did find one eventually.

samesizetoes · 12/02/2014 11:26

Yes unfortunately, but I didn't know at the time. I've never met his girlfriend but I hear rumours she isn't faithful to him either. They are still together 5 years on. He is friends with some of my friends but I've cut all contact and just remain civil if on the rare occasion we end up meeting.