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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you have ever been the OW

153 replies

MeepMeepVrooooom · 12/02/2014 10:34

Not a TAAT but it has been inspired by another thread.

After reading another thread the ladies in my office got chatting about whether or not we had ever been the OW.

We all have by some standard have been in the position of the OW. One example from myself, I slept with a married man. Silly one night stand at around the age of 19 with a man I vaguely knew and had met a few times. Didn't find out till after that he was actually married. The other ladies stories vary between them knowing, knowing they had been married but told they had split when they hadn't and then not knowing.

How many of you have either knowingly or unknowingly (at the time) been the cheatee?

OP posts:

LadyFlumpalot · 12/02/2014 12:13

Yes, twice, unknowingly. First was a drunken one night stand whom I didn't know from Adam who told me afterwards. Second was an old flame who assured me he had broken up with his GF, even laid there and told me a whole story about the relationship ending.

Still feel like shit about both of them.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 12/02/2014 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatAmongThePigeons · 12/02/2014 12:15

Yes, I have. Regret it a lot.

LaGuardia · 12/02/2014 12:20

Yes, I have. I was actually in bed with him when his wife phoned to instruct him to take a sperm sample to the clinic because they were having IVF treatment. God bless him, he managed to do what was necessary and we called it a day soon after. They had a daughter and I understand they are still happily married 10 years later. She never knew about me. I never felt guilty. He was easy meat.

PepperPotts · 12/02/2014 12:20

I'm not quite sure if I was!

My friend and I rented a house together and used to drink (most nights) in the local pub, there was a man in there who had a girlfriend, we called her Rachel as she looked like a famous Rachel!

They split and we got together, I spent 1-2 night a week at his and he took me to his place in Spain for the weekend. After 3 ish months he started to get very possessive and odd, my friends really didn't like him.

One night, I'm at his having a take away and my friend rings me, Rachel's at our front door with a 1 year old, they never split up, I went home and spoke to her. She knew everything about us, where we'd been at what times and had a phone full of text messages of him as if she was in a relationship with him.

I confronted him and he denied it and said she was a stalker, when I called bullshit he battered me, it was an awful situation so I had no more to do with any of it and walked away from it all. They were together for a while afterwards

To this day I don't know what happened, I don't believe for a minute she was stalking him, but I don't know if I was the other woman or she was. One thing is sure though, he was a nasty nasty piece of work!

littleredsquirrel · 12/02/2014 12:29

Yes and we've now been married for a long time with lovely two DCs. Nobody planned it, it just happened.

Our DCs know that DH was married previously (he was only married for a year, no children involved). DS2 (6) asked DH last night whether he would divorce me. DH said there was less chance of that happening than the sun falling out of the sky or there being no cheese left on the planet. DS2 kissed me on the nose and said "don't worry mummy, there'll always be cheese."

starfishmummy · 12/02/2014 12:30

Yes.

Didn't know he was in a serious relationship - they weren't married or living together.

Sparklymommy · 12/02/2014 12:38

If I told the wife of one of my lovers it would not only destroy their marriage, but mine, and my husbands family in its entirety. She would murder me, and it would all be my fault. Never mind the fact that he lied to her from day one of their relationship, that he knew, when he got with her, that I was pregnant with his child, that he had been sleeping with me for 8 months before he started seeing her. So no, I would not tell her.

When he first got with her I did contemplate it. But I didn't want to lose his friendship and I was convinced that once the hold was born he wouldn't be able to continue the lie. For four years he could barely look at me and that hurt more than anything else. Then my daughter was her bridesmaid as she walked down the aisle and married the father of one of my children. I made myself ill worrying about it for a couple of years.

Then after a night out he took me home. I was exceedingly drunk and I confess I threw myself at him. But he responded. His choice to do that. We have since got back the relationship we had before he was married. Do I feel guilty? No. I used to. But not anymore. We are not harming anyone. It's just sex. Its not emotional. I don't want to ruin his marriage. It's separate.

thegreylady · 12/02/2014 12:40

No never. My exh cheated with my then best friend so no excuse there. It was 20 years before I trusted anynew female acquaintance. If you know it is despicable unless his wife is fully informed. If you don't know you can't help it.

oldwomaninashoe · 12/02/2014 12:45

Yes, but I only fathomed out he was married because of his non availablity time wise. He used to drop in to see me on his way home from work, if I suggested he stay the evening or we went out he would always make excuses any dates were "planned" well in advance. the penny finally drop that he was probably married with a baby, when I saw a "baby sick" stain on his jacket on the shoulder.

ClemencePoesy · 12/02/2014 12:54

Yes, I've had some terrible lapses in morals, I come from a family where my grandfather and father had mistresses and I'm pretty sure my mother had affairs too. It was all pretty bohemian but doesn't really make any one happy.
When I was just 16 I was sleeping with a much older mm,this went on for two years until I got a boyfriend my own age. His wife was friends with my mother.
Towards the end of a 10 yr relationship I slept with 3 different men, 1 was a full blown affair, the others more casual. I'd just given up by then but felt tied to the relationship and was still only 27.
The best thing I ever did was get out of that relationship, then a vague friends boyfriend split up with her and eventually confessed that he'd been in love with me for years, this is the one I felt guiltiest about, even though they weren't together anymore it wasn't ideal.
We are now very happily married, I would never consider looking at another man and trust him implicitly.
I've behaved terribly in the past and can't quite believe how stupid I've been.

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 12/02/2014 12:58

Nope, never.

Though I have to say that is probably more luck than judgement in my teenage years.

tolittletoolate · 12/02/2014 13:05

I was the ow, it lastef for about a year then fizzled out. A few years later I found out he had left his wife and was now single and we got together again.
We have been together for 12 years and married for 8 years and have 2 dds.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 12/02/2014 13:08

Yes, very shortly. I had a sort of extended nee night stand with a man who said that he was in the process of divorcing his wife and I elieved him.

For a week.

Them I sat at the same table at the pub with them, and it was striking that they did not seem in the mist of divorce proceedings.

I fled.

I did bump into him a few months later and he said they were now divorced.

I had no interest in him whatsoever so I wished them both a better life.

Crowler · 12/02/2014 13:10

Wow Sparkly that sounds complicated.

AnneWentworth · 12/02/2014 13:18

Yes. I bet a guy once in a club and we dated for a month or two then decided it wasn't working. We became great friends and would go out both with other friends and just the two of us. Occasionally on a night out we would have a snog then laugh about it the next day. One day we didnt laugh but took it rather more seriously but he was already scheduled to goand potentially get married (we are both from cultures of arranged marriage etc). He told me before he went that if his parents asked him he would get married, I thought I was fine with that. He came back engaged, she came over he told me it was crap we carried on seeing each other. It was an EA though really. We never slept together, perhaps kissed a handful of times over the year that it went on. We did see each other 2-3 times a week though. We still meet once or twice a year for lunch but it is compeltely platonic now, but I do miss him as I have never met anyone else I have that connection with - we are both married now (he did divorce then remarry), our relationship ended when I met DH (the only date i went on in that year that worked out). I know now though that we would not have worked.

I have also had a couple of flings with men I have known to be married or in long term relationships - both short lived with no expectation, both before the age of 21 when i just got swept up.

My last serious boyf (not incl. above married men) cheated on me and is married with DC to the OW.

Sadoldbag · 12/02/2014 13:19

Yes but not knowingly

Crowler · 12/02/2014 13:25

This is an issue I can't get worked up over.

I think people can have affairs and it not be a big deal. I've been faithful to my husband, but that's more a "tidy life" strategy than a moral stand.

If I found out today that my husband had a one-night stand say, three years ago and never spoke to the woman again, I would be hard-pressed to get extremely angry over it. Anger towards the other woman wouldn't figure into it (unless she were a friend - totally separate issue!).

That said, I would be bitterly angry if my husband every had a full-blown affair.

missmagnum · 12/02/2014 13:30

Yes, it was an incredibly painful time. We have been together officially 8 years now.

I have also been cheated on by my ex-husband.

ViviPru · 12/02/2014 13:31

Finding all this very interesting since My BF has just left his DW for OW (although he's pretending it's nothing to do with OW). We (me/DH/BF's STBXW) all feel quite sorry for the OW.

ViviPru · 12/02/2014 13:32

I've been faithful to my husband, but that's more a "tidy life" strategy than a moral stand.

I love this statement

Crowler · 12/02/2014 13:38

thanks Vivi. What's a BF? Not boyfriend?

I should amend this statement

I think people can have affairs encounters and it not be a big deal.

ViviPru · 12/02/2014 13:42

Best friend. Sorry - I realised after I hit post that that might be confusing. My acronym hell.

Original poster

MeepMeepVrooooom · 12/02/2014 13:49

I've actually found this quite interesting. I was shocked when all the women in my office admitted to at one point or another being the OW.

I did expect this thread to be riddled with more no's than yes's if I'm honest.

Just goes to show how common it actually is.

OP posts:

harriet247 · 12/02/2014 13:53

Yes but i didnt know

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