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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want MIL to go home

138 replies

Slh122 · 12/02/2014 10:32

I know I probably am being unreasonable. DS is 3 weeks old and DP had a fortnight of paternity leave then my mum came to help for a week. Now she's gone back to work and MIL has decided to come for the week. She lives 10 mins away so will be coming over everyday for a week.
I'm not overly comfortable with feeding yet and didn't mind feeding DS in front of my mum as she's my mum but today just want to spend the day in bed with him. She keeps coming in when I'm feeding him and everytime he's finished I lay him down in the bed next to me and she comes in and tries to take him off into the living room. I said no it's fine he can stay here with me but she then hangs round in the bedroom!
I feel like I could cope on my own now but feel bad because I know my mum had a week with me and the baby and know she probably wants the same. I want to be free to do as me and DS want. I want to take him for a walk in the pram this afternoon and don't really feel like talking to anyone but I know I have to ask her to come and then I'll have to make conversation.
I know I sound ungrateful and horrible but it just feels more awkward with her around than my mum, I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not as comfortable around her.

OP posts:

TamerB · 12/02/2014 16:08

I have read at least 80% of it and have changed my mind!

Purplepoodle · 12/02/2014 16:12

It gets better with mil especially when dc are a bit older or you might decide to have more. I alienated my mil a bit whwn dc1 was a baby as she sounds like yours. It came to bite me with dc2 as she had filled her time with activities so wasnt really avaliable to help out (though she did when she could).

Grin and bear it. Come on here and rant. When dc is older she will be an asset

exexpat · 12/02/2014 16:17

Tamer - the OP didn't put everything in the first post, but on the first page of the thread she said:

"Oh dear, didn't expect to get flamed so much. Am severely sleep deprived and have asked her to do jobs but so far she's still watching tv.
to the poster who asked her how often I let her cuddle DS - everytime she sees him. She drops in a lot on an evening as well. And I have to actually physically go and take him back when he's crying or she wouldn't give him back, even if I asked. Sorry for the drip feed - brain has turned to mush since having the baby"

I think that tells us pretty much what the MiL is like - not helping, just wants to get her hands on the baby, won't hand him back even when asked - I certainly wouldn't want someone behaving like that to be around all the time when I was trying to adjust to motherhood.

Mouthfulofquiz · 12/02/2014 16:32

The thing I love about my MIL is that she said that I must never feel awkward about saying no if I'm too busy, too tired, not up for visitors etc. She was really clear that she never wants to be an unwanted visitor.
Since I've been working part time and have afternoons free with my DS she pops over quite regularly and I love spending time with her - I would say that we've actually become friends. I'm preggers again, and know that I will want her around, as over time, we've built our own relationship almost independent of DH.

But the OP clearly doesn't have this relationship with her MIL so why is she overstepping the mark like this?? When I was learning to breastfeed I did need space. I also felt this real urge to keep my baby close all the time. Everyone respected it - and if they disagreed with me, they certainly didn't show it. Well - once, my FIL was enjoying his cuddle a bit too much and didn't hand the baby back to me when he started to cry..., two minutes later and I was covered in milk!! Luckily - none of us were embarrassed and we had a laugh!

Corabell · 12/02/2014 16:35

OP you are not being unreasonable. I understand, I really do. You want to enjoy your baby moon and cuddle, so skin to skin and practise feeding. You should be relaxing/ napping and if your MIL was there to support you she would be looking for ways in which to do so e.g put the kettle on, put a wash on, Hoover etc. Perhaps if she did you would be ok with letting mind the baby while you had a shower. Instead she wants to cuddle the baby and doesn't recognise that you lying in bed with DS after a feed is part of mothering and bonding. Perhaps she thinks you'll get a sleep if she takes him but hasn't approached it properly.

What you want is not to have to issue orders or set boundaries. I imagine your mother was much more in tune with your needs as you are her baby!

As your MIL has just sat down and isn't getting busy and using her initiative then I think it is likely that she is only tuned into helping when it in fact meets her needs ( to cuddle DS.

Perfectstorm wrote a perfect post on being a MIL.

Also, it's out of order to FFS OP because she has had a bit of help. You have no idea what her birth or pregnancy were like and it sounds like a perfectly reasonable amount of support.

bodygoingsouth · 12/02/2014 16:53

ok ffs was perhaps a trifle harsh op. still you perhaps need now to be a bit more ffs yourself and firmly tell all your relatives you want time with you and your baby.

it can be very very draining having countless visitors and 'helpers' fair enough if you are ill or have other small dcs but generally you are better off just coping yourself.

god knows sleep deprivation is vile but if you are by yourself cut the chores down to the bare minimum and sleep when baby does.

the bare thought of my dm or mil stopping at my house when I had my kids makes me go cold and I loved them both dearly.

TamerB · 12/02/2014 17:09

That was in the 20% that I didn't read,exexpat. I have said that I have changed my mind. It is unreasonable to expect everyone to read every word! I read a lot more than some people which is OP only!

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 12/02/2014 17:20

OP yanbu, she doesn't need to be there! I struggled with my first so badly with BF, I was basically topless all the time and basically in my bedroom all the time too! It's normal. She doesnt need to be there she lives down the road you will call her when you need her. It sounds like she thinks she either has to do it because your mother did or she really thinks you need the help.

bodygoingsouth · 12/02/2014 17:27

ok ffs was perhaps a trifle harsh op. still you perhaps need now to be a bit more ffs yourself and firmly tell all your relatives you want time with you and your baby.

it can be very very draining having countless visitors and 'helpers' fair enough if you are ill or have other small dcs but generally you are better off just coping yourself.

god knows sleep deprivation is vile but if you are by yourself cut the chores down to the bare minimum and sleep when baby does.

the bare thought of my dm or mil stopping at my house when I had my kids makes me go cold and I loved them both dearly.

diddl · 12/02/2014 17:50

"fair enough if you are ill or have other small dcs but generally you are better off just coping yourself."

I agree.

And there is a husband who can prepare meals for the next day/run the hoover round/look after baby in the evening so that OP can sleep.

merrymouse · 12/02/2014 17:59

Just be honest with her about the feeding and tell her that you didn't know how you would feel, and that if it would be better if she spread her 'week' out over a few weeks and came back for weekend in a fortnight (when your DH can be responsible for some of the entertaining). She might be sitting around feeling like a spare wheel but feeling unable to talk to you for fear of being rude.

All babies are different and it is difficult to predict when and how you will need help before they arrive.

bodygoingsouth · 12/02/2014 18:11

op I strongly think that the more helpers and relatives you have around, especially with the first baby, actually do nothing to help you bond with your baby.

the real help should be from the father.

most people now have freezers to fill with ready meals, microwaves, washing machines and disposable nappies. not so years ago when women did need more practical help.

Tailtwister · 12/02/2014 18:20

Sometimes you just need to be left alone to get on with things. At 3 weeks I was very ready to just be alone with my baby. You need to get into your own routine without having someone else in the house, even if they are being helpful.

I know exactly how OP feels as it happened to me, but not to the same extent. Thankfully my MIL was understanding and actually called at the beginning of each day to see if there was anything she could do for me. Eventually I explained that I felt ready to 'fly solo' and she took that in the spirit it was meant. Consequently, I was happy for her to come to the delivery room minutes after DS2 was born (she was visiting her mother who happened to be in the hospital at the same time).

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