To want MIL to go home

[Slh122]

I know I probably am being unreasonable. DS is 3 weeks old and DP had a fortnight of paternity leave then my mum came to help for a week. Now she's gone back to work and MIL has decided to come for the week. She lives 10 mins away so will be coming over everyday for a week.
I'm not overly comfortable with feeding yet and didn't mind feeding DS in front of my mum as she's my mum but today just want to spend the day in bed with him. She keeps coming in when I'm feeding him and everytime he's finished I lay him down in the bed next to me and she comes in and tries to take him off into the living room. I said no it's fine he can stay here with me but she then hangs round in the bedroom!
I feel like I could cope on my own now but feel bad because I know my mum had a week with me and the baby and know she probably wants the same. I want to be free to do as me and DS want. I want to take him for a walk in the pram this afternoon and don't really feel like talking to anyone but I know I have to ask her to come and then I'll have to make conversation.
I know I sound ungrateful and horrible but it just feels more awkward with her around than my mum, I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not as comfortable around her.

I could never breastfeed discreetly in public, DD was a nightmare BFer, all wiggles and protests. I also used nipple shields and the 'rugby ball' hold.

OP I sympathise, but you need to be a bit cruel to be kind. If your MIL is only 10 mins away then just arrange some times for her to come over. Rope in your DP if needed.

Congratulations on your baby.

ilikemysleep, I'm fully aware of that! I'm talking about the first few weeks where neither baby or me have a clue what we are doing! My midwife has told me that it's far easier to just get topless, or wear a top that can be completely unbuttoned, in the early stages than faff about lifting up or pulling down one side of a top, so I'm simply going by her advice.

You had a baby 3 weeks ago.

What matters now is what is helpful to YOU.

Your mother is YOUR MOTHER.

You wanted her help and support because she is YOUR MOTHER.

When your DH is off work trying to learn how to breastfeed, then his mother can come around and help him and your mother can stay at home.

This is YOUR home and YOUR time to bond with YOUR child and if your MIL is making you uncomfortable, then she needs to go home.

It is very nice of her to offer to help. But you are not finding her presence helpful, you are finding it oppressive.

And that's fine. You just had a baby and are in one of the most vulnerable times of your life.

If she's a nice woman she would not want to be there knowing how you feel.

This is not about equal time for grandmothers and anyone playing that kind of competitive bullshit when another woman has just had a baby has a fucking screw loose.

Do you feel able to ask her to go home yourself? Or would you prefer your husband to talk to her?

My mum lives 40 minutes away but didn't come stay over - sorry if my OP gave that impression. She said she didn't want to invade mine and DP's space to bond as a new family on an evening so drove over everyday, which I really appreciated.
I love my MIL and think she's a bit over-excited. At the same time, she's not my mum so I do have a different relationship with her, and I hope that when DS is a grown up with a family of his own I take that into consideration.
I'm okay BFing in public, if I have to - but at home, I'd rather not faff about layering tops, etc, just to make it a bit more discreet. I love nothing more than cuddling up in my own bed with DS and feeding him that way, skin to skin. Is that so wrong?

Oops, forgot to add - full boob flop = turn the central heating up! Simple

When she goes home, lock the door and take the phone off the hook.

Simples!

Seriously though, you could out a note in the door to say sorry, no visitors, we're sleeping?

I love nothing more than cuddling up in my own bed with DS and feeding him that way, skin to skin. Is that so wrong?

No, that's exactly what you should be doing.

Humphrey - I am also a tad at the suggestions that the OP should be more hospitable (be in the living room with MIL) and feed discreetly in her own home so as to include MIL, with a 3 week old PFB newborn, purely because MIL has invited herself over for a week. Sorry, but if she's there to help, then adding to the overwhelming nature of first time motherhood's earliest days does anything but!

There are people who are awful to their MILs. Chicken pox childcare entitlement springs to mind. This OP just wants to be allowed to learn her baby in her own time, with some privacy. That's human, normal and healthy - I can't believe people are arguing that a recently post-partum woman should be prioritising anyone else's wellbeing right now. Surely the person she should be prioritising is her newborn - and at this stage, her wellbeing directly means his.

Also the coming in whilst your feeding then trying to take him when you put him down beside you isn't acceptable. She sounds like a massive space invader.

If your mum came to help then fine. But see it from your MIL's point of view. Your mum did get plenty of time with you both. There is nothing wrong with her wanting the same.

It is also ok to want time on your own as you need to find your own routines with a new baby after the initial excitement has abated. So what I'm saying is there is no bad guy in any of this.

But please be kind to your MIL. If you can't bear her hanging round all day then arrange a specific time when she can come and just cuddle the baby. Does your DH get home at a reasonable time? Perhaps you could time it when he is around and leave them to it while you go do something nice for yourself?

Be kind and make her feel involved. The ramifications of this hurt could be very bitter and could damage you all before you've even had a chance to establish yourselves as a new family unit.

Brass you make a very good point. But baby isn't going anywhere, and mil is considerably closer geographically than op's mum.

I think the point is that it's about control. Mil invited herself over and is basically not doing anything to help. She is actually just being the opposite.

There is plenty of time for mil to be involved, and plenty of time for op to invite her over etc. But for now op needs a bit of peace and quiet

Actually I do feel a bit differently if MIL has had some gentle suggestions of things hse could do that would be helpful but she is ignoring those requests and choosing to sit in the front room watching the TV. I think ANY new GP should be flexible and responsive to the new parents. In your first post it sounded more like you just felt differently about MIL and were holed up in your room, it is different if you have already asked her to help and she hasn't.

The feeding instructions weren't feeding 'instructions', its just that OP sounded like you have to sit topless to feed, and if that was the barrier to having MIL there while feeding, well, it was just saying you don't HAVE to be topless, you can do it more discreetly and just as efficiently if you know how (and warmly!Theme today, should put the heating back on at Ilike Towers...)

But see it from your MIL's point of view. Your mum did get plenty of time with you both. There is nothing wrong with her wanting the same.

Her Mum didn't "get plenty of time with you both".

The OP and her baby are HUMAN PEOPLE, not toys to be shared out equally.

Jesus, I thought my 5 and 4 year old were bad with their baby sister.

There is plenty wrong with her "wanting the same".

If indeed she does.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt and presuming she is well intentioned and not a childish weirdo, presumably she is not WANTING the same, but attempting to OFFER the same.

But sometimes there are things your mother can offer you that nobody else in the world can. And this is one of those times.

So her kind offer isn't working out well. And that needs to be sorted out without hurting her feelings but without putting pointless stress on the new mother either.

gosh you sound a bit unhinged

I'm not saying anything about oppressing anyone let alone a first time mum

I clearly said there is no bad guy (as some of you are trying to make out)

She is just excited and wants to see the baby. No harm in that. Accommodate her in a way that works for everyone. Common sense surely

I had this with my MIL. Tbh I just wanted to be on my own with DS and felt 'watched' with her there. I really get on with her btw, but it was just so claustrophobic having her around all the time.

I agree that it's only a few more days and in order to avoid any issues I would just try to ride it out. Try to put her to good use. Maybe suggest some shopping she could go out and get for you? Ask her to look after your DS whilst you shower/bath? I know it's awkward though, I've been there.

Common sense is so rarely the same as good sense.

As can be seen when someone thinks that human beings should be shared around like a bag of sweets and calls it "common sense".

Can you ask her to give you a little space and maybe ask for her to come back later and prep dinner? or have a cuddle whilst you take a bath etc?

There's plenty of time for cuddles in the future. I think the mum of a new born needs someone to hoover, cook a meal, do some washing & bring her endless cups of tea.
I'm hoping MIL is sat watching telly because she wants to help but doesn't want to take over. Please just ask her, I bet she's desperate to be useful.

You are not being at all unreasonable! At three weeks it is completely normal to just want to have lots of time resting in bed with bub and to have bub close to you most of the time. Also with my first it was much much easier to undress my top half while bf.

Blimey, you can be kind, considerate and encourage Grandma to have a good relationship with her Grandson without spending a whole week with her whilst your husband is at work. I don't understand why people are suggesting that the OP should accept this, just because her own mum came to help?

OP sounds like a very reasonable person and I am sure once she is a bit more relaxed with breastfeeding and feels more like herself she can pop over to see MIL whenever and vice versa.

OP why don't you have a word with your husband and suggest MIL comes over at the weekend when he will be at home? Or if you feel up to it, have a wander over to her place tomorrow with your DS. She'll probably feel more comfortable seeing you and having a cuddle with her grandson in her own home and it means you can leave when you feel like it.

Brass you say accommodate her in a way hat works for everyone. By the sounds of it op is willing to do that, but mil is not. The current situation does not work for everyone, particularly for op

Why should op be the one to compromise? She's not talking about shutting mil out, she's asking for some space

Did your mum help YOU or just want the baby?

When I had just given birth (×2)

My parents were there to help US. They took DD1 out if she was bored, cooked us our tea/lunch, put the washer on, washed up etc. Things that helped us out.

PIL came to see the baby. And that was it. They wanted a visit to see the baby. MIL didnt once ask how i was feeling or DH.

So there is a difference.

OP I feel your pain - I really strongly believe that as an adult your bedroom is your sanctuary and when you're in there nobody should just come in and hang about. I wouldn't dream of walking in to someone else's bedroom uninvited, particularly when they were in bed. My MIL and FIL did this to me when my DC was tiny - would just walk in to my room if they heard DC crying and try and take him away, and once I woke up from finally drifting off for a daytime nap with DC to find MIL standing at the end of the room "just checking if I wanted her to take DC away". It is very suffocating.

You are very reasonable.

Would you be able to speak to your DH diplomatically about this?

DC is tiny. There will be time for cuddles/boding. He is clearly loved but it can safely wait / be less until you are more comfortable.

We were exactly the same when we had our first DD and you are trying to be fair to both Mums. I find its always different with MIL no matter how fantastic they are you are just not as much as ease as with your own Mum.

If you dance going for a walk why not suggest popping out on your own as you wanted to know if you could manage on your own but it will be lovely knowing someone is at home when you get back in. You could get some bits and suggest she cooks you a casserole this afternoon for supper.

Enjoy your lovely new baby its a great time and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job.