To want MIL to go home

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I know I probably am being unreasonable. DS is 3 weeks old and DP had a fortnight of paternity leave then my mum came to help for a week. Now she's gone back to work and MIL has decided to come for the week. She lives 10 mins away so will be coming over everyday for a week.
I'm not overly comfortable with feeding yet and didn't mind feeding DS in front of my mum as she's my mum but today just want to spend the day in bed with him. She keeps coming in when I'm feeding him and everytime he's finished I lay him down in the bed next to me and she comes in and tries to take him off into the living room. I said no it's fine he can stay here with me but she then hangs round in the bedroom!
I feel like I could cope on my own now but feel bad because I know my mum had a week with me and the baby and know she probably wants the same. I want to be free to do as me and DS want. I want to take him for a walk in the pram this afternoon and don't really feel like talking to anyone but I know I have to ask her to come and then I'll have to make conversation.
I know I sound ungrateful and horrible but it just feels more awkward with her around than my mum, I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not as comfortable around her.

she's asking for some space

and no one has said she can't have it or that she's unreasonable for wanting it in the first place.

common sense is figuring out how to get it diplomatically - some people have made pragmatic suggestions

some of you need to chill out and stop projecting - I've seen far worse MIL threads on here - this isn't one of them

There is no way I would have let my mil over for a whole week especially as there is no need for her to be there as she is only round the corner. Could you arrange to meet up with your NCT buddies one of the days. It is good to get out and will be something she can't invite herself along to. I have to admit I was so keen to learn to cope on my own that my dh went back after a week but then had a day off a week for another 5 weeks. Worked better for us. I really enjoyed the newborn stage when they need so little apart from being fed, cuddled and the occasional nappy change. It is a lovely time to just curl up on the sofa cuddling the baby while watching whole box sets or films. I loved it. Rather miss it now I have a very active 19 month old that I have to run around after all the time and if the tv is on it has to be cbeebies. I miss choosing the channel!
It really is such a special time, don't ruin it. Tell her you are busy meeting friends etc however it would be really lovely to see her for a cup of Saturday morning or something. Also if it is a weekend set up a code word with dh that means you have had enough and it is time for her to go home so dh can get rid of her.

It does sound as if there's no point in her being there & she might as well come over for an hr two or three times in the day.

There's no way my MIL would have got on & done anything unless asked & meal times would have been "what do you want", "is this enough", "does this look right"...?

OP - I'm with you. I needed to strip to the waist for the first 4 weeks (big norks, learning the ropes), and all the airy 'just wear a top!' is ridiculous. People forget how tricky it is in the first few months for some people. Although I fed for 13 months (DD1) and 16 months (DD2) I have not forgotten how emotionally loaded and stressful 'getting it right' was in the early days.

I agree you don't owe her this time - sounds like she is competing with your mum instead of actually being a help?

I would never ever have been topless in front of mil but I was in front of own mother - op should not have to feel bad for wanting some space - especially when it sounds like the mil is on the scene enough!

It does sound like it is going to be difficult to do it diplomatically though - especially as she doesn't seem able to take the hints currently being offered.

At least since OP has a boy she will probably get to experience what her MIL is experiencing -being surplus to requirements-unless she has a kind, understanding DIL.

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell her whilst you would love some help around the house you really want some time alone with your newborn. How about suggesting she comes at XX time, has some alone time with baby for an hour whilst you get showered/dressed but then leaves you alone to feed in peace. If she wants to stay & help then it would be wonderful if the ironing pile could be tackled and "I know DH would appreciate one your lovely [insert meal you know she can cook]" Give her specific times to come & go, a slot with DS to herself & some jobs to do with plenty of flattery along the way. If she really wants to help then no doubt she'll be glad to be useful but if she just wants to interfere then I'm sure she won't hang around to do the ironing/cooking.

TamerB if you are implying that op is not a kind, understanding dil then you are being spectacularly unfair! She's asking for some space, she's not trying to cut mil out!

YANBU

It's a tricky situation so often for women.

When my mum visits I take the appropriate time off work etc... to spend time with her as she is a plane journey away and doesn't get to come often.

I wouldn't expect DH to do the bulk of spending time with my mum even though they get on well. If she thought I wasn't going to be around for the week she wouldn't come.

DH wouldn't expect me to spend my days hanging about with his mum unless I chose to. I don't hate his parents but before we had children I didn't socialise with them on my own and was never asked to, so it would feel odd for them to suddenly be around the house with me just after I'd had a baby.

DH has to go into hospital this year. OK he isn't having a baby but when he's off work I'm sure he won't want me to invite my mum round to keep him company during the day grin]

I would have hated that OP, and I agree with you, I loved those precious first weeks with just me and my babies when DP had gone to work.

If she is making you uncomfortable just tell her to go home and thank her for her help.

"I'm sure he won't want me to invite my mum round to keep him company during the day"

But that's the thing-she's supposed to be helping out.

Thing is, there might not be that much to do!

Yes, we will all be MILs one day blah blah blah.

I hope I will be tactful enough to allow my sons' wives time and space to bond with their babies/establish feeding/get some bloody sleep without starting some sort of ridiculous tit-for-tat about which grandmother gets to spend more time where.

Of course it's ok for your own mum to be there more at the beginning. It's about supporting the new mother FFS, not having a bloody competition.

And I say this as someone who has no relationship whatsoever with my own mother. I do believe people should be allowed to feel relaxed in their own home, especially when they have just given birth.

It's one week I'd just grin and bear it even though it's not ideal by any means. Perhaps you could suggest a late start if she comes round at 10 or 11. I would get her to take the baby for a walk while having a lie on the sofa. Perhaps both of you could go out for coffee, wander around the shops. Give her a shopping list to go to the supermarket.

I would tell her to go home. You never get those early days back and she is ruining yours. ( I say that as someone who wouldn't even have had my own mum to stay when my baby was newborn!).

Doesn't she see she is stressing you out? Just tell her you feel like you need some space to learn the ropes with your baby. If she only lives 10 mins away it is really weird she is coming round and hanging about all day. You shouldn't have to hide in your bedroom with your baby!

Tell her to go home and she can come round a couple of evenings when your dh is home!

it's only a week? it's a week with her beautiful newborn that she will never get back. as a DIL i found myself having to take my MIL's feelings into consideration more than my own in the beginning and i regret that now. OP needs this time with her son, without worrying about her bloody MIL.

of course MIL should call over and see her grandson and OFFER HELP, but not everyday for a week. she should ask DIL what suits and what will help her the most. surely that's what any woman would do, whether it was her own daughter who had given birth or her DIL? these early days are precious, and you feel so hormonal and sleep deprived. it's all about the new mother and what she wants for the first 6 weeks IMO.

as another poster said, if it was the husband who was at home breastfeeding, he would want his mum there, not his MIL, so why is it different here?

Yanbu.

It is not about the baby and making sure everyone gets equal goes with the new toy, it is about a woman in pain/discomfort, sleep deprived and already stripped of modesty wanting a bit of support and companionship. I firmly believe that the woman should get to decide who supports her at this time.

Yes, you need to involve mil, it would be awful to miss out on precious time with her dgs and they are not tiny for long. I would ask her if she could come at a specific time in the afternoon to take baby for a walk and then could she bring and stay for dinner so she can cuddle DS while you eat. I would also say, as she lives 10 minutes away, that it would be hugely helpful if you could give her a ring at lunchtime and let her know what time suits, as no point in her turning up to take baby for a walk if he needs a feed.

Lots of us have sons and will therefore be a mil one day, but I hope I never forget how comfortable I felt feeding/crying/bleeding right through pads onto the sofa cushion which my mum cleaned up but I would be mortified if it had happened with anyone else in front of my own mum and how uncomfortable I felt in front of everyone else!

Op I have every sympathy with you but am also massively jealous. My ds is 8 weeks old. For various reasons I spent the first week alone from 6am until 4pm. Twas very hard especially as I had a c section.

But with regards to your mil I would ask her to help out around the house or do some errands in town. Perhaps if you have some clothes for the baby that need exchanging or need something nice to eat? Then say that you want to try Friday going it alone.

God, those first few weeks my LO's were pretty much on the boob 24/7, I was still doing loads of skin to skin everyday, they didn't want to held by anyone other than DH and I and I physically ached every time when they weren't in my arms, let alone in a different room. Your MIL would have sent me round the bend. A week is a bloody long time at that stage, when you're still figuring out the basics and still recovering from birth while dealing with lack of sleep. Breastfeed whatever way is comfortable for you, you shouldn't have to cover up because someone keeps inviting themselves into your home and bedroom. Talk to her about it, and if she still doesn't get it, screw it, just lock your bedroom door and put a polite do not disturb sign on it.

Where I'm from people descend to help, but the idea is that they do all the chores so that the parents can just be with the baby and bond. They'll have a brief cuddle if it's a good time, but then baby goes straight back to mum and dad and visitors give them lot's of space and get on with the helpful stuff. People will often let themselves in, do a load of cleaning or drop a ton of meals in the freezer, and then leave without even catching a glimpse of the new baby. Grandparents and other family don't get real time with the baby until he or she is a couple of months old, and strangely enough they still bond just fine and develop healthy relationships. The priority is supporting the new parents and letting them bond and get to grips with the new addition.

I have sons. If/when they have their own families, I want to support them, not get into a petty pissing contest with their OH's mum. Assuming a good relationship, of course a woman is going to feel more comfortable with her mum than her MIL, doubly so when she's feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. Who get's more cuddles in the first few months really doesn't matter.

At least since OP has a boy she will probably get to experience what her MIL is experiencing -being surplus to requirements-unless she has a kind, understanding DIL.

I'm the mother of a son. And precisely because I do hope to have a good relationship with any future DIL, I try to avoid the sort of entitlement-mentality, "I should be JUST AS CLOSE AS HER OWN MOTHER!" anxieties I see some MN exhibit. I try to be aware that that is a surefire route to being pushed out, because nobody likes to feel pestered and encroached upon by selfish emotional demands - and when a woman's just had a baby, prioritising your own feelings over hers IS selfish.

I will not be any future DIL's mother. Her own mother will. After having a baby, she will be more likely to want her mum there than me. She will be hugely more likely to be willing to learn to breastfeed in front of her own mother than me. She may want her mum at the birth, but she almost certainly won't want me. That's just the reality, when women do the birthing and the breastfeeding, and your own child is a boy. I will hope that tact and understanding and discretion will enable her to feel inclined to invite me to have a good relationship with my grandchildren, because I am absolutely certain that jealously asserting my "rights" over her personal space in one of the biggest life transitions she will ever make is a short cut to a worse relationship with her... and hence my grandchildren.

That's the reality. And as a MIL, it will behove me to realise that she is a human being, not a walking incubator, and that the biological reality will be that I am not the closest person to her, probably several others will be closer, and she may not want me there that much at first however well we get on. She may just want to nest in peace, and that's understandable.

Some women do get on far better with their MIL than their own mothers. Personally, I hope that won't be the case with my possible DIL, because if so she will have had to cope with painful family relationships, and why would I want that for her, for my son, and their children?

very well said perfectstorm

The problem is that she has never worked up to the sort of relationship where she can just ask MIL to hoover the floor, clean the bathroom, cook the dinner. I'm sure MIL would love to help, but is scared to ask if she can.

She is treating her like a visitor-a shame that she can't just treat her like family.

Tamer - the OP has asked her MIL to do jobs, but she isn't - she's watching TV and waiting to hold the baby.