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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL to go home

138 replies

Slh122 · 12/02/2014 10:32

I know I probably am being unreasonable. DS is 3 weeks old and DP had a fortnight of paternity leave then my mum came to help for a week. Now she's gone back to work and MIL has decided to come for the week. She lives 10 mins away so will be coming over everyday for a week.
I'm not overly comfortable with feeding yet and didn't mind feeding DS in front of my mum as she's my mum but today just want to spend the day in bed with him. She keeps coming in when I'm feeding him and everytime he's finished I lay him down in the bed next to me and she comes in and tries to take him off into the living room. I said no it's fine he can stay here with me but she then hangs round in the bedroom!
I feel like I could cope on my own now but feel bad because I know my mum had a week with me and the baby and know she probably wants the same. I want to be free to do as me and DS want. I want to take him for a walk in the pram this afternoon and don't really feel like talking to anyone but I know I have to ask her to come and then I'll have to make conversation.
I know I sound ungrateful and horrible but it just feels more awkward with her around than my mum, I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not as comfortable around her.

OP posts:
SarahBumBarer · 12/02/2014 11:50

I don't think you got flamed but can you imagine going to a friend's house and them not coming out of the bedroom. Even if you had just popped in unannounced (sin of all sins in my book!) that would make for a pretty unpleasant atmosphere and only you can pick this up. And she is not staying with you it seems so you do not have her round the clock. I just think you could manage this a bit better.

FrankelInFoal · 12/02/2014 11:50

I'm with you OP. I'm currently 37 weeks with my first and fully intend to breastfeed, but the idea of sitting topless in front of my MIL while trying to establish BF fills me with a cold dread. She is not my mother so why on earth would I feel comfortable semi-nude in front of her, or anyone else outside of my own mum and DH? Should I happily be flopping my boobs out in front of my BIL and any other random relatives too?

TheScience · 12/02/2014 11:54

The last thing I'd want to do when I had a 3 week old baby is have to entertain my MIL!

I'd want to do exactly what the OP is doing - catch up on as much sleep as possible and establish breastfeeding.

I'd maybe make an effort to spend some time with her this afternoon, but also tell her politely that you're doing fine and don't need her to visit Thursday and Friday. Maybe invite her over for lunch at the weekend when your DH will be there?

Kaluki · 12/02/2014 11:56

One day your newborn DS will be the new dad and YOU will be the excluded MIL with a DIL who doesn't want you around to help with your own grandchild, just her own Mum. Think on
I have two sons and dread the thought that one day they will marry women who won't want me in their family life.
Its one week. She is trying to help. She is your ds's grandma and your DH's mum not some random stranger.
Be grateful and accept - you might really need her one day.

Ginnytonic82 · 12/02/2014 11:57

She is going to want to see her new grandson as much as possible but it shouldn't mean she makes you feel uncomfortable. You and baby have to come first at the minute. I love my mil but in those first few weeks I really didn't want her hanging around! Ask Dh to suggest, in a gentle way, that she'd be most helpful giving you a hand with things like washing/cleaning etc. I was massively grateful to my PIL when they did things like our weekly shop and cooked us meals so DH and I could just concentrate on learning to parent, maybe she could batch cook for you? Then as a compromise you could let her have your Ds for an hour or so in the afternoon, while you nap/shower/eat/whatever helps you feel good?

ilikemysleep · 12/02/2014 11:57

Why would you sit topless? It's February! Wear a loose tshirt or shirt that you can lift up sightly. I know you have to learn to feed but you don't have to be unclothed. You can drape a muslin over baby's head and across you shoulder if you can't manage to lift your top up.

I'm not flaming you, but I do think you are being a teeny bit unreasonable. We Mums of boys do have a hard time when we become the grandparents, we can't get it right whatever we do. And you are now a Mum of a boy :)

SarahBumBarer · 12/02/2014 11:59

I never felt the need to flop my boobs out, ever. I am 100% certain that no-one ever copped an eyeful even when I was learning to feed. Most visitors are not staring and if you are really worried about that perhaps just ask them to pop out and put the kettle on while you get the baby to latch on as you are still getting used to it and want a few minutes privacy. Direct, honest and reasonable. I can understand new feeding nervousness but one of the best bits about bf was just how easy it was - no need to pack up shit loads of equipment etc so why not try to relax and get the full benefit of that rather than turn it in to something that requres a full-on winter hibernation.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:00

Er, ok, she lives locally, you are in the bedroom with ds and she is in your lounge watching the tv.

What's the fucking point in her being there?

I completely understand that she is excited etc etc, but seriously, all she is doing is stressing you out.

Catherine1932 · 12/02/2014 12:02

MoreSky if it's ok and understandable re her own mum, will that also apply to MIL being 'more comfortable' grand parenting her own DD's children? MIL is a bitch because she prefers own DD's kids comes up time and time again on here.

ohfourfoxache · 12/02/2014 12:02

Incidentally, I would say the same about any visiting friend or relative

TheScience · 12/02/2014 12:03

Visiting every day for a week is really excessive.

Obviously she should get to visit and see the baby, but she doesn't need to be there constantly. Sounds like she is quite thick-skinned if she isn't getting the hint though so I reckon you do need to be quite firm about not needing her tomorrow and Friday.

exexpat · 12/02/2014 12:03

I totally sympathise with you, OP, and don't think you are being unreasonable at all. MiL invited herself round. You have a new baby and just want to nest and get into the rhythm of breast feeding without interference - I don't think you should feel pressurised to go and be sociable.

If she only lives 10 minutes away, it seems over the top for her to be at your house all day every day for a week. Could you suggest she leaves you to it for most of the day but pops over for half an hour or so morning and evening?

I had my DCs while living overseas and the grandparents (both sets) were only invited to visit once we'd got through the first few weeks of sore nipples and complete exhaustion.

Original poster
Slh122 · 12/02/2014 12:03

My mum came to help with the housework and cooking, etc, not sit and hold the baby. Of course I let her hold the baby - I really am not bothered about letting his own grandmother hold him as some people seem to think.
And yes, one day I will be a MIL. I am aware of that.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 12/02/2014 12:03

I always think it is difficult to comment on these threads without actually knowing the mil in question. My instinct is to agree with ilikemysleep I actually found I understood my mil much better when I had ds ( had dd first) - suddenly I got how much she loved dh and found it almost unbearable to think of being excluded by ds's future dw! Sanityclause has given some good advice. It is only for a week. In my case having ds brought me and my mil much closer together - I'd always tried to resist her her closer involvement in the past. She died last year and I miss her so much now (sorry that's not really relevant).

ilikemysleep · 12/02/2014 12:05

frankelinfoal If you fully intend to breastfeed on demand you will get absolutely used to feeding in public. It is very discreet. How many women have you seen feeding a baby topless in a cafe? You don't 'flop your boobs out' to feed. You unhook your feeding bra and discreetly latch the baby while lifting your t-shirt slightly and then draping part of it over the baby's head. Like in this picture. You don't strip naked, for goodness sake!

www.tntmagazine.com/image.php/media/content/_master/48392/images/breastfeeding1.jpg?file=media%2Fcontent%2F_master%2F48392%2Fimages%2Fbreastfeeding1.jpg&width=450

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 12/02/2014 12:07

Btw be topless if you want! If it helps you get going with bfing then do it!
I hate pulling up tops and bras at home so just pop my boob over the top of my top (if that makes sense).
Also, just because you are asking for space now doesn't mean you don't want your MIL involved ever. I'm surprised at the reaction here tbh.

TheScience · 12/02/2014 12:07

If she just wants to hold the baby rather than help you practically, maybe you could suggest she just comes at specific times - eg. could she come at 9am-10am and hold the baby while you have breakfast and take a bath, then you and DS will go to bed together for a nap and she could come back at 5pm and hold the baby while you prep dinner?

HumphreyCobbler · 12/02/2014 12:07

I previously breastfed for a solid three and a half years and I STILL had to breastfeed topless with my new baby to start with.

I think that if you want some privacy then you should be allowed some actually.

I am the mother of sons and do you know what? I hope I will be sensitive to any future DIL's need for privacy and understand that her mother may have a different relationship with her than I do.

TheScience · 12/02/2014 12:08

I always went for the full boob flop at home, especially in the early days. If you want to feed topless why not?

Yes, you have to be more discreet in public but in the privacy of your own home be comfortable.

exexpat · 12/02/2014 12:09

Does your mother live further away, OP? It sounds to me like MiL feels that the other granny had a week of full-time new baby contact, so she should get the same. But if she lives close by she can see you and DS a lot more frequently without having to invade your personal space for a solid week when you don't want or need constant help or company.

If you say to her that actually you are managing fine by yourself so there is no need to stick around all day, is she going to take offence?

ilikemysleep · 12/02/2014 12:10

Full boob flop in February? You ladies are hardier than me! :)

perfectstorm · 12/02/2014 12:10

The last thing I'd want to do when I had a 3 week old baby is have to entertain my MIL!

I'd want to do exactly what the OP is doing - catch up on as much sleep as possible and establish breastfeeding.

This.

Give the OP a break. She just wants to establish herself as a mother, and actually staying in bed and feeding on demand is recommended as a good way to start a good bf relationship with the baby; as for being thoughtful of "the poor woman", the MIL is trying to take a newborn baby away from the mother and into another room. She's a mother herself - you don't do that! She's not doing the jobs the OP has asked, so suggesting the OP ask for more seems pointless.

Of course GP are important, and IL relationships need to be negotiated carefully. But right now, what matters is that baby, and the person who needs to be considered in order for his needs to be well met is the OP.

I note the MIL decided to come over for the week - not was asked. I have a DS as well, and my hope is obviously that any future DIL would invite me to be a part of the family life. But I wouldn't just assume I was welcome on the same terms as her own mother - how could I be? That's just not a rational expectation.

HumphreyCobbler · 12/02/2014 12:10

I am feeling a bit cross on your behalf OP at all the instructions on how you should be feeding. You should be able to feed any way you feel comfortable to start with.

TheScience · 12/02/2014 12:11

How cold is your house ilike? Tucked up in bed with the baby you're hardly going to get frostbitten nips!

MoreSkyThanWeNeed · 12/02/2014 12:12

Catherine, I don't know if grans feel more comfortable with their own DD's kids, I've not been in that situation. Suppose it all depends on relationships - there are plenty people who prefer MIL to DM, I was just thinking in my experience, straight after giving birth, I was more comfortable having my mum around (cos my MIL is a bit judgey!)