Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that only people who worship Christ should have a church wedding or baptism

405 replies

HollyMiamiFLA · 12/02/2014 09:30

And that those people who are not Christians but have a church wedding are just doing it because they want to be the centre of attention in a lovely white dress, to walk down the aisle with music playing and that all that stuff the vicar says about God etc is irrelevant because they don't actually believe it but they're going with the flow and it's traditional.

AIBU to think it's a facade - vicars go along with it because it keeps the church going, couples go along with it because it's tradition and they can ignore the religious stuff and true Christians probably get a bit annoyed but accept it?

OP posts:
Catsize · 14/02/2014 10:28

Thanks period. I know not everyone is happy with the current position, which is of some comfort. I have just written 30,000 words on the subject and whilst some views made my blood boil, others were heartening. Smile
Wales will beat the others to it me thinks.

trufflehunterthebadger · 14/02/2014 10:49

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

We are practising Christians. We welcome people of all or no faith into our church, whether it be for christenings, weddings or curiosity. It may be the beginning of a journey of faith. It certainly was for my DH who went along with going to church when we got married. He is now an integral member of our church.

Ergo YABU.

ProfondoRosso · 14/02/2014 11:48

I figure it boils down to:

Everyone should have the right to marry in a church, if they so desire, church attendee or not, committed Christian or not.

BUT

If you are actively taking the piss, eg. refer to the priests/nuns/congregation as God-botherers/Holy Joes - I'm a Catholic and I've heard them all Grin - then you probably shouldn't get married in one. Or if you really, really hate what it stands for.

Meow75 · 14/02/2014 12:12

Well, DH and I got married in church. He attended Sunday School there, and was confirmed in Liverpool Cathedral.

However, by the time we started going out, he had not been to church for many years, and no longer believed in God. In fact, he was never certain that he ever had.

However, we both grew up in that parish, and we got married before the time of many places having a licence to marry, so the options were to marry in the locality where we grew up or go to the next town, where the nearest Registry Office is, and marry in a town where neither of us had ever lived.

Also, my DH's uncle, now deceased, was a vicar in Liverpool and he was delighted when we asked if he would marry us in our local church.

Ultimately, we made the decision that was best for us almost 20 years ago, and there is no-one, irrespective of their beliefs, who will convince me that we did the wrong thing. Particularly as my mum passed away 13 days after we were married. She had no religious faith either, but I know she was glad that we had a wedding that was right for us,and thus she thoroughly enjoyed herself. That is what is most important to me now.

brooncoo · 14/02/2014 14:17

It's more complicated than just saying "non Christians". Most folk have been brought up with the church as a part of their life - even if they choose to walk away later. It's cultural - folk like tradition, to please family etc and it seems to have more of a sense of occasion than registry offices - some in really ugly grubby buildings and locations.

Plus there is always leaving your options open to schools.

Original poster
HollyMiamiFLA · 15/02/2014 07:44

I have to laugh at all those Christians saying the Church is open and inclusive given today's comments by the CofE of how clergy are expected to treat gay people and marriage.

Inclusive and open to all - but not really.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/10640144/Church-offers-prayers-after-same-sex-weddings-but-bans-gay-priests-from-marrying.html

I wonder what would happen if the couple were devout Christians, wanted a Church wedding because that's where they were brought up and it's part of their life, they fell in love but.....they were gay.

The all inclusive church would not let them marry in there. But they have no problem letting people who just want a church wedding because "it's just what you do" get married in a church.

That's not in the FAQ question on the CofE website. Nor is the "I'd like to get married by a woman bishop" question.

OP posts:
BabyMummy29 · 15/02/2014 08:19

My MIL used to come out with the "You don't have to go to church to be a christian" argument when all the rest of her family used their local churches to have big showy weddings and christenings.

I do attend regularly and wonder why people feel the need to use the church in this way when they don't set foot in it any other times in their lives,

Spottybra · 15/02/2014 08:26

Having moved to a new area 10 months before our wedding and the booked church saying we could no longer marry as we had moved out if the area we attended mass in our beautiful new church as often as we could to be married in it.

The lovely priest baptised our children as one of his last services.

Attendance has sadly slipped because my dc would rather be traipsing through woods in thermals and wellies on a weekend but as soon as the youngest can sit still we will pop back once a month.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/02/2014 08:30

Perhaps they don't like the regular services but they do like the weddings BabyMummy ?

BabyMummy29 · 15/02/2014 08:32

I think it was just an excuse to have big events as they are all "Look at us" kind of people and this was in the days before weddings could be held in stately homes etc.

Thenkfully they are now my XILs Smile

mydoorisalwaysopen · 15/02/2014 08:37

I'm an atheist and got married in church but don't remember the vows being different to the ones in registry offices. There wasn't such a good choice of venues when I got married and the church is just up the road so it was for convenience. For us it was just a venue.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/02/2014 08:47

So it was in the days when choice was church or registry office .... hardly surprising if many chose the often beautiful medieval local church ?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 15/02/2014 09:00

If you want to have a wedding like many on MN advocate ie invite everyone's kids, have a cheaper venue rather than fewer people, a church followed by a village hall may be your only option - hotels will usually require you to have the full meal and drinks there as well and registry offices can often hold fewer people than churches.

For those church goers who wonder by non church goers bother, do they also wonder why disestablishment hasn't yet happened and why there are still bishops in the House of Lords?

SpottyDottie · 15/02/2014 09:08

This thread has over 500 comments and yet I've never seen it before!

DH and I did not marry in church, nor are our DC christened because we do not believe in god and thought we'd be hypocrites.

jessjessjess · 16/02/2014 11:00

"I'm an atheist and got married in church but don't remember the vows being different to the ones in registry offices"

Um, the church ones mention God and Jesus? How have you not noticed that?!

Limara · 16/02/2014 11:32

I've been thinking that it's weird non Christians want to get married in a church? I mean I heard my friends saying they don't believe in GOD and I've thought duh, why did you get married in a church then! Tbh, I was a bit cross about it believing they wanted the best of both worlds and picking and choosing the church when it suits them! After a bit of thought, I believe their decision to marry in a church is an unconscious one, following tradition and lack of understanding about the whole faith thing. Tbh, my view has been altered by this post who reminded me of true Christisn values:

trufflehunterthebadger Fri 14-Feb-14 10:49:39

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

'' We are practising Christians. We welcome people of all or no faith into our church, whether it be for christenings, weddings or curiosity. It may be the beginning of a journey of faith. It certainly was for my DH who went along with going to church when we got married. He is now an integral member of our church.''

So, who am I to sit in judgement?

BackOnlyBriefly · 16/02/2014 12:35

I'm an atheist so wouldn't want a religious marriage any more than I'd want a voodoo ceremony with a slaughtered chicken.

There does need to be a suitable hall for family and friends to sit and watch couples make vows etc. Since taxpayers have to support the church and put up with many of its rules perhaps we should just the space for humanist weddings.

campion · 16/02/2014 13:24

Taxpayers do not pay for the CofE.

BackOnlyBriefly · 16/02/2014 13:30

But are they not given tax breaks which amount the same thing? Not to mention specials rights to be in the House of Lords when it comes to making decisions.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 16/02/2014 13:43

yanbu

campion · 16/02/2014 16:55

Only the same tax advantage, via gift aid, that any other charity can claim back.It amounts to a tiny proportion of church income, the rest is self-supporting.

If you mind those 20, mostly left-leaning, bishops in the Lords then you'll have to campaign for a change in the law.

BackOnlyBriefly · 16/02/2014 17:43

Well I don't want to take this too far off track, but tax advantages are really meant for charities. Helping the CofE keep up its political influence is not quite what I'd call a charity.

As for the Bishops in the Lords (Totally irrelevant which way they lean btw) we will eventually, but my point was that the church says they have a right to be there because this country is Christian whether I like it or not. In which case that is my church too.

Original poster
HollyMiamiFLA · 16/02/2014 17:45

"We are practising Christians. We welcome people of all or no faith into our church, whether it be for christenings, weddings or curiosity. It may be the beginning of a journey of faith. It certainly was for my DH who went along with going to church when we got married. He is now an integral member of our church.''

So, who am I to sit in judgement?"

Well - you let most people in to have weddings there. But not all. And God forbid you let a female Bishop do the service.

OP posts:
Catsize · 16/02/2014 17:58

Yup, door is closed to me Holly, but given the stance that a) civil marriages of gay clergy will lead to disciplinary proceedings and b) those who have already entered a same-sex marriage prior to a call to ordination will be refused ordination, what chance do the rest of us have?... Confused

Original poster
HollyMiamiFLA · 16/02/2014 18:01

I do find it ironic that a couple with no faith can get married in a welcoming church in the presence of God but a couple with total faith can't get married because the church is unwelcoming.

OP posts: