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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL presents for DD

34 replies

Balistapus · 10/02/2014 23:13

My PIL are besotted with my 6 month old dd, which is great. However, they bring her a gift every time they come over, roughly once a month, and went a bit mad at Christmas. The problem is that I feel they're sort of pre-empting certain classic items and buying them for her before I get a chance. Eg, I always dreamt of the time I'd have a child when I would buy them their first set of building blocks, farm animal baby jigsaw, rattle, etc, and that playing with these would be special memories for us. PIL are getting them 'early' , if you like. I then feel it would be wasteful to buy my own versions so she's mainly playing with toys they've bought her and I feel like I'm having my memories robbed from me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AwfulMaureen · 10/02/2014 23:16

YANBU. My Mum did this....got the dolls house and the pram...WAY before DD was old enough and also chose items I'd never have picked.

I had to tell her...the thing is, you don't have to give DD everything. You could put them away...and then "lose" some items to charity...

Or you could say "I'm running out of space for these toys and also looking forward to choosing some myself...I do appreciate SO much all the lovely things but maybe you could get her clothes instead?"

My MIL gorges herself on clothing for my children....and my Mum always asks what to get now.

cees · 10/02/2014 23:19

Yabu, a little op, it's the fun your daughter will remember not who bought what. You should play with her and the toy, if you really want to give her something then do. You can always re-gift/return their present if it's something you wanted to give your dd but I would just enjoy having your lovely dd and don't sweat the small things.

cees · 10/02/2014 23:20

You can put the money they save you on buying the gift into an account for her college, now that she will remember.

ladyquinoa · 10/02/2014 23:22

Id be so happy if mine did that. They have zero interest in the kids. There will be lots of special things you can buy for your DC along the way. And anyway childhood is more then items

Sixweekstowait · 10/02/2014 23:24

I was very concerned about doing this with my dgs- so I had a think and then a chat with dd and so we are the Brio buyers - that's our speciality, no one else's and it's great just wish I could put it together as quickly as dd Perhsps you could initiate a conversation with your PIL about how nice it would be if there was something that was their special area of present buying.

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 10/02/2014 23:27

I redirected my very generous in laws to books and clothes when they were babies.

They still go a bit overboard at Christmas and Birthdays (my DPs too to be fair) but at least they don 'to bring toys every visit now.

Hexbugsmakemeitch · 10/02/2014 23:27

I redirected my very generous in laws to books and clothes when they were babies.

They still go a bit overboard at Christmas and Birthdays (my DPs too to be fair) but at least they don 'to bring toys every visit now.

GlitzAndGiggles · 10/02/2014 23:28

I understand where you're coming from but a lot of gp's get excited over babies in the family especially if it's their first gp. My dd is 2 and I wanted to buy her a scooter for christmas but another family member did so I put the money aside for something else. Dp's mum spoils her rotten she always comes home in a new outfit when she stays over there. Her reasoning is that she won't live forever and dd is her first gc

GlitzAndGiggles · 10/02/2014 23:29

First gc even

Starballbunny · 10/02/2014 23:31

Don't worry she'll only play with playmobil or Lego you buy (modern DDcs ignore traditional toys). I fact DD1 ignored all toys and climbed the book case instead.

Original poster

Balistapus · 11/02/2014 08:39

Thanks for the replies, they've really helped to clarify the issue for me.

I know that their actions are coming from a place of love, hence asking if I was BU. There are only a couple of items that, for sentimental reasons, I want to get her myself. I don't really mind the fact that, as I look around her room, much of the contents are from PIL - cot, mobile, all her jumpers knitted by MIL.... So I think I'm going to buy my own versions of those couple of things. I think that as they haven't asked me if she needs X before getting it I'm not getting a chance to ring fence those items.

Also, as the first poster mentioned, they're not the ones I would have bought. Eg, I wanted to get wooden building blocks. (I don't want to buy plastic things unless absolutely unavoidable until they've found a way to clean up the plastic rubbish aggregation floating in the Pacific)

OP posts:

SpookedMackerel · 11/02/2014 08:47

My mil has a toy box at her house, and gets things for that that can be played with when the GC visit. Could you suggest something like that? Mil has 5 GC, so it saves her buying things 5 times, Sils and I don't care if there is duplication, or something we wouldn't have chosen ourselves, we don't have to take any toys when we visit, mil gets the joy of buying presents for her grandchildren, and seeing them play with them.

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2014 08:47

AYBU? to be honest, yes I think you are. Wanting to buy the first jigsaw is just a little PFB imo.

You cannot control every aspect of other adults' lives. I know I discuss what my DGC need before Christmas and birthdays, but if I'm out shopping and I see something I think they'll need/like then I'll buy it.

If you really don't want it, there are playgroups/toddler groups/refuges that would be more than pleased to have it.

'Ring-fencing items'. Seriously?

cory · 11/02/2014 08:48

One way to feel better about the plastic toys is that they do actually last for generations. My grandchildren will still be playing with my lego and plastic farm animals and I'm 50. Quite likely my greatgreatgrandchildren will be doing the same.

If you don't want to save them for future generations it's the kind of thing charity shops are always happy to take. I don't suppose there is all that many building blocks in the landfill because it's something that is easy to clean off and pass on to another (poorer) child. Hospitals and clinics are also happy to take them. Wooden toys don't tend to last anywhere as well and do get very dirty which makes it harder to pass them on. (and if they're made of hardwood definitely not good for the environment)

My dd is now 17- old enough to start thinking of leaving me- and one thing that really doesn't feature at all in our memories is who paid for her toys when she was little. I was there to play with them with her and that's what she remembers. I provided the days out and the memories. And I have a little bit of money in the bank to tidy her over the first few weeks at university before her loans kick in. In retrospect, these things matter a lot more.

Oriunda · 11/02/2014 08:58

OP, why would you waste your money buying another version of gifts that your PIL have got? Such a waste of money and your DD just won't notice. Open an ISA or a pension fund for her and every time your PIL get her something you had planned to buy, put the equivalent into her fund. When your DD is 18/55 and wants to buy a car/house or wants to retire early/pay off her mortgage, she will thank you for your foresight.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 11/02/2014 09:04

I did all that.

fast forward 14 years and not only do I not remember what toys they had or who got what but I realise that none of it mattered in the first place.

what you remember is not the stuff. There is no long lasting magical memory in a set of blocks.

it is the smiles, the cuddles, the little waddling walks, etc, that you remember.

so I'd say let them buy the stuff if they want to. The money you save can be held for your childs future and honestly you wont lose out on memories.

well, only through sleep deprivation...

Poledra · 11/02/2014 09:10

I'd really think about directing them to books, if they want to buy gifts every time they come. My children are my PILs' only gc, and they love to spoil them. We are a very bookish family and, to quote MIL, 'there's always money for books!' so they bring books with them or (even better when they're older) take the children to the bookshop when they come and spoil them there and I get new cookbooks too.

LastOneDancing · 11/02/2014 09:13

I know what you mean OP and when it happens I do feel torn between feeling like an ungrateful, spoiled cow but also the desire to choose things for my own baby.

Lovely generous MIL has bought clothes including a coming home from hospital outfit, three blankets (including a christening shawl), teddy bears, pretty muslins... Meanwhile for every MIL gift my own DM seems to feel its a competition and buys something similar (I have five blankets including two shawls now).

It's incredibly kind but the baby's nursery is now full of things that I wouldn't have chosen and that was part of the fun

All that's left is the excitement of buying breast pads, nipple cream and giant Primark pants.

Booboostoo · 11/02/2014 09:15

YABU your DD will probably end up playing with the cardboard boxes the toys came in and before you know it she will be chosing her own toys anyway.

bodygoingsouth · 11/02/2014 09:15

bloody hell op, how lucky are you and your dd to have so much love and support!

childhood isn't about the gifts however it's about the time. taking her to the park and feeding the ducks is priceless.

Funnyfoot · 11/02/2014 09:16

Sorry OP but YABU. You are wanting to buy these things so that they can be your memories not your DC's as she probably won't remember. You will have so many worth while memories such as her first steps/word/tooth/wee on the toilet. The material stuff won't matter. Plus wouldn't it be nicer that when PIL have passed away that your child has the wooden blocks nanny and grandpa bought her or the first doll they bought her that she kept and remembers them by.

TamerB · 11/02/2014 09:20

I agree - memories are the time that you spend playing. Mine are now adults and wouldn't have a clue who bought what. Looking back I remember certain toys but I don't know who bought them. Your children also don't like the same things as you , so you may treasure something they are not bothered about, and vice versa. Adults adore wood, children are often keener on plastic. Mine had some gorgeous wooden stuff that never got played with.
I would just make an appeal for less stuff and suggest savings accounts. I would put it to them that they want the DC to look forward to their visit to see them- not in expectation of what they will bring.
Memories are funny things, my children's best memories are things I had forgotten and the things I would see as best memories they have forgotten.

Floggingmolly · 11/02/2014 09:20

Your memories will be of actually playing with and sharing the toys with your child; she won't give a rats arse who bought them.
You are ridiculously over dramatic and ungrateful.

AngelinaCongleton · 11/02/2014 09:26

We had this. It was a PITA at the time. However, it has calmed right down now they see how much the kids have and there's nowhere to put it all. Now at 4 and 7, I am trying to redirect DGPs to specific things as they can see with their own eyes how the kids have too much and most stuff is a waste. We now try and encourage they purchase of pyjamas, party dresses, equipment for their extra cirricular activities so that its all important but usable stuff. Try and think in advance and encourage purchases you need. Failing that, suck it up and hide, charity shop, sell and relish how much they love the kids..

TamerB · 11/02/2014 09:29

It does tail off- people are at their worst with babies.

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