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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

27 Year old Sister moving in with 17 year old. AIBU

80 replies

ChaoticMum80 · 09/02/2014 13:20

My sister met a guy at work 3 months ago, she's 27, he's 17. She says he's mature for his age and it's just a fling as he's going to uni this September and moving to the other end of the country so it will just be a bit of fun and naturally come to an end.

Except it's not. Things have moved really quickly and she says he's different to her previous partners and knows this is special. Last month she told him how she felt and he said he felt the same (although she is his first partner). He's moving to London in September and they've agreed to move in together after his first year of uni! (She would move from Leeds to London).

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I know she's only 27 but she doesn't have time to wait for him to grow up. He's an attractive guy for his age with money saved and a part time job set up for when he moves so I'm sure plenty of girls will be interested at uni. Has anybody had an experience with something like this and do you have any advice? What kind of issues have you encountered with such an age gap?

I'm really worried she will get hurt!

OP posts:

DownstairsMixUp · 09/02/2014 17:04

Caitlin they are still legally a child. You can't do a lot of things at that age. I remember being so excited at turning 16 then being thoroughly dissapointed at the amount of stuff I still COULDN'T do, simple things like even having a direct debit, a phone contract! Sounds daft but there are so many restrictions still at that age. I was chuffed I could do the lottery though.

Just be there for your sister OP, that's all you can do! She'll appreciate you not passing judgement and being there for her if it all goes pete tong.

Thetallesttower · 09/02/2014 17:06

I have a friend with a 17 year old son, I have to say he's not in every night doing his homework and the stories of the parties (inc. sex, lots of marijuana, alcohol) he's up to would make your hair curl. They all go to a nice grammar school!

I think it is naive to call someone like that a 'child'. He's not a child and not a full adult, he's a teenager and teenagers aged 16 or over in our country are allowed to have sex. He is not having his clothes laid out by his mum fgs.

I think some people are in denial about what teenagers are up to, or perhaps like me, they had a rather boring time and assume their teens will be the same. Some are and some aren't.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 17:10

A 17 year old is not legally a child. There are some things you can't do but that doesn't make them a child. I had a bank account and cheque book when I was 17.

I did a 6th year at school but many Scottish pupils go to university away from home at the end of 5th year when they are 17.

There were several people at my school married and parents themselves by 16/17.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 17:12

Thetallesttower agreed. I can't abide this infantilsation of young adults.

Thetallesttower · 09/02/2014 17:12

They are not a child really at 17 (although technically for some things this is the case)- Gillick competency for medical decision-making, including contraceptive advice accessed without parental consent is around 13 years old upwards. Criminal responsibility kicks in aged 10- and you can be tried as an adult from this age (which I strongly disagree with). Sexual consent is 16 but getting married without consent is 18 as is alcohol (but that's for public health reasons). This is a gray area, but repeating 'he's a child' when he's in a relationship with an adult woman is unhelpful I think. And, if you start to treat a 17 as you would treat a 7 year old, you will quickly find out they are just not a child in any real sense of the term.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 17:20

You don't need parents'consent to get married in Scotland at 16.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 17:21

www.youngscotextra.org/articles/what-can-you-do-at-what-age-16-21

What you can do when you are 16.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 17:27

And a 16 year old from England or Wales can get married in Scotland without parents'consent.

Belacoros · 09/02/2014 17:56

It'll fizzle. I had a 17 year old boyfriend when I was 19 (he was only in the year below at school, but I was one of the oldest of the year and he was an August-born youngest - we'd have been two years apart if he'd been a day later.) Mostly we were 18 and 19, sure, but UGH was that boy a kid or what. Even moving him across the country to Uni didn't make him any less of a child - he needed his mum to pick his clothes, he wouldn't learn to cook or clean so he just lived in squalor and starved, he stayed in with the XBox and didn't go to lectures. I was working hard at my degree and working at a bank. He got younger and younger by the week, it seemed, and it just became really gross. Like he was 18, but more like 12.

Anyway, yeah, got rid. She'll see the light, especially living with him. She'll feel like his mother.

lifeinthefastlane1 · 09/02/2014 19:08

I had a 17 year old boyfriend when I was 26 with two children, we had an awesome time, fast forward 16 years we are still together and have a 5yr old, my two grown up dc refer to him as their father, he is very mature, more so than me when he had his 30th birthday , I told him he is finally old enough to date me
some things are just meant to be and if people thought it was icky all that time ago they are eating their words now, we are as strong now as we have always been.

JessePinkmanIsMine · 09/02/2014 19:17

Creepy. I'm a similar age and 17 year olds are very much children to me. Not potential sexual or romantic partners. Bleurgh.

hootloop · 09/02/2014 19:21

I just wanted to say that uni life doesn't necessarily mean not staying in your relationship.
I got married a month after starting university and still got my 2.1 with QTS.

DownstairsMixUp · 09/02/2014 19:23

You need to have parents permission to get married in England! You are defintely not an adult at 16 sorry! 18 is when you are an adult. You are a step between a child and an adult at 16/17 but no way shape or form an adult. I wanted to move out when I was 16 but I couldn't rent anywhere as pretty much everywhere said minimum 18! No one is saying they are "infant" but to say they are an adult is mad! Even at 16 physically a lot of boys don't even look developed and a few of my friends didn't even have a first period till they were 16! The law stil see's a 16 year old as a child and for most adult people, 16/17 year olds are not potential sexual partners.

phantomnamechanger · 09/02/2014 19:41

icky IMO

he's sleeping with someone who's probably older than some of his teachers, if she was a teacher, even from another school, we would all be up in arms about it being wrong.

I can't see her friends & their DPs wanting to go out with her and her toy boy, 17yo and 27yo have so little in common. 17 - still so much growing up to do.

Thetallesttower · 09/02/2014 19:48

I would be up in arms about a teacher as they would be abusing their position of authority. However, once the boy turned 18, I wouldn't be against it or at least, I might not actively approve, but I don't think it should be illegal. Teachers are in a different category, for the same reason your doctor is not allowed to have a relationship with you whatever your age.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 22:06

Tallesttower but this is not a teacher/pupil relationship.

It might not be exactly the same in England and Wales but for those of you who say 17 is still a child ,that simply is not true. A 16 year old in Scotland can leave school, leave home, apply for a passport , consent to medical treatment, instruct a solicitor and get married all without parental consent. A 16 year old can buy a
lottery ticket. A 16 year old can buy and sell a house(I appreciate they won't get a mortgage but that's based on ability to pay) but a 16 year old who had inherited money or won the lottery is legally competent to do so.

pixiepotter · 09/02/2014 22:13

A 17 year old is not legally

you become an adult on your 18th birthday and are therefore still a child legally at 17

ChrisMooseMickey · 09/02/2014 22:17

I moved in with my 39yo partner when I was 20. We have been together for three years now and we're getting married next year.

Keep your nose out.

PeriodFeatures · 09/02/2014 22:19

Hmmm. I don't think it's any of your business OP. It is legal, there is no significant power imbalance or vulnerable party.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2014 22:25

There's mature and there's mature. I don't think a 17 year old approaching his 18th birthday is on the same wavelength as a 27 y.o . If they still felt attracted to each other after he completes his uni course fair enough. I just think he has so much to experience before he turns 21 it would be bordering on selfish of DSis to deny him a chance to live a little before settling down.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 22:25

Not true. You acquire certain rights and responsibilities at various ages, responsibity for criminal acts and the prospect of being tried in court, for example, at an absurdly early age. You continue acquiring rights and responsibilities as you get older and a whole raft of them appear when you are 16 (especially if you live in or move to Scotland ) More kick in at 17 and the bulk at 18. A limited number only arrive at 21. There is no magic age when you are an adult.

Lambzig · 09/02/2014 22:28

I was engaged to a 34 year Old when I was 17. It was never realistically going to work, but we had a lovely time. He taught me about so many things that I think that relationship really helped me grow up. It fizzled out, of course it did, but he is still a friend and no one really got hurt. Until DH, I never went out with anyone less than ten years older than me. DH and I have a significant age group the other way.

I think as long as you DSis is realistic about the chances, she probably knows it won't last. It is unusual at that age, but I think you just have to let it run its course and be there with a sympathetic ear.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/02/2014 22:29

I would not shoot her down in flames mind you, the suggestion they wait until he's finished first year is a good one. It's going to be a while before then, a lot could happen.

Caitlin17 · 09/02/2014 22:31

sorry I was replying to pixie This 17 year old might be the most level headed ,clued up, mature 17year old ever or a mummy's boy who cannot dress himself, both of which are relevant as to whether this is going to be a disaster, but saying he's not legally an adult is wrong and irrelevant.

HadABadDay2014 · 09/02/2014 23:01

I was just 18 when me and DH ( 6 years older) got together, no body expected it to last but 10 years on and we are still together and still very much in love.

If relationship is going to work it will, but if it doesn't then she will need someone to tell her everything's going to be ok and she will love again.

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