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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband threw the cat...

100 replies

fourcorneredcircle · 08/02/2014 20:18

My husband, who has until this day (eight years in) been generally calm and loving in a fit of rage threw the cat who he was holding on to the floor. The cat had done nothing wrong and my husband, was in fact, angry at me. The cat is fine and my husband is mortified and absolutely sorry - head in hands, "what have I done" etc.
I just can't help thinking about all of the times I've heard (or even said) if they can do it to an animal, they can do it to a person.

AIBU to be completely confused about how to feel towards him? Part of me feels anger, part of me feels apathy (towards him, not what he did) and part of me feels that I should, as there appears to be no lasting damage, move on.

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 08/02/2014 20:20

Why was he so angry?

Only1scoop · 08/02/2014 20:21

Awful
I'm not suprised you are confused.
What was the argument about?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/02/2014 20:23

My ex hit me, kicked the cat. I left as I knew that was a step too far.

You have to talk to him and tell him what you feel. If he does it again is he out? Is he out now? I bet you never thought he would throw a defenceless animal before a few hours ago .

Original poster

fourcorneredcircle · 08/02/2014 20:24

Ugh, I think it's something and nothing! Basically, he has been away for the last week with a friend and when he came home today our teenager was trying to talk to him about his holiday (being friendly and interested - a rare occurrence in a 16 year old boy) and he kept blanking him and turning his back to him. I said he was BU as it was no ones fault but his own that he'd been up late the night before and not eaten since early PM yesterday therefore making him irritable and that he should go and apologise and show interest now. He replied with 'in a bit', I replied with 'no, f''''''' do it now'... it was heated, I accept that but... still?

OP posts:

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/02/2014 20:24

Have you told him what he has done? Usually when twats as that they want to see what the answer is before their next move.

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2014 20:25

How hard did he throw the cat? Just down onto the ground with a bit more force than you would putting them down, or with as much force as he could muster?

If it's the former then I don't think you need to feel confused, if he's never been like that before then he's not like that

Everyone does one off things that surprise them, it'd be clear to both of you by now if he was a pet torturer.

He's bothered about what he did, much worse if he couldn't/wouldn't see how you might feel or tried to turn it round into being your fault.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/02/2014 20:27

Well, it got unreasonably heated and rather quickly but there is no excuse for hurting a poor animal .

Why did you push it? Just asking, not suggestion for one minute it is your fault as it isn't. He is responsible 100% for his own actions.

hoppinghare · 08/02/2014 20:27

Did he just cast the cat aside abruptly or did he violently hurl the cat across the room? If it was the latter you should definitely talk seriously with him about it. Deliberately hurting your own pet who hasn't even annoyed you is quite worrying. Throwing it off your knee a bit roughly isn't the best but does not show signs of a violent man.

InPursuitOfOblivion · 08/02/2014 20:27

Sounds like there is more to this . . .

lljkk · 08/02/2014 20:28

is something else bothering your DH, something he can't tell you? That sounds like an unusually extreme reaction to a nothing event. We think it's amazing when our teenage DS deigns to talk to us, too.

Original poster

fourcorneredcircle · 08/02/2014 20:29

Well, it was more forceful that a put down, but it wasn't a full on hulk hurl if that makes sense? The cat was lying in his arms on her back and he picked her up, turned her over and threw her off to the right. The cat was sprawled on the floor (although she did initially land on her feet) and looked confused (if a cat can look confused?).

I have spoken to him and he does seem remorseful. I'm just so flabbergasted that I can't really compute my feelings.

OP posts:

DrMaybe · 08/02/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 08/02/2014 20:31

I'd assume there's more to this as well - in particular, this holiday he's been on. You might want to take this to the Relationships board for longer term discussion.

lljkk · 08/02/2014 20:32

I'd lay money on the fact that something during his days away has upset him. he doesn't want to tell you but it's eating him up. You need to find out what (if you dare).

Notawordfromtheladybird · 08/02/2014 20:33

Sounds like it has nothing to do with you, your child or your cat. And everything to do with the last week. Ask him what happened. Something obviously did.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/02/2014 20:33

Did he throw the cat or drop the cat? I hate cats so don't really know but I'm sure I've seen a million people kind of drop their cats whilst giving it a little nudge encouraging it to jump? Or did he literally throw it?

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 08/02/2014 20:33

Although you've explained, it's really hard to work out how ur he's being without seeing the force of the 'throw' iyswim?

There's a huge difference between being really pissed off, in a shitty mood and unintentionally putting the cat down far too roughly, then feeling genuinely guilty...than to purposefully hurling the cat across the room with the intent to harm iyswim?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/02/2014 20:34

Sorry X post

Original poster

fourcorneredcircle · 08/02/2014 20:35

he is aghast and apologising profusely, offering anger management (not that i'd say he generally needs it) and trying to be loving and kind. This is totally out of character, I've never seen him act violently - he's never even killed a spider!
Thanks for suggesting the relationship board, this probably is deeper although I don't think it's the holiday - he goes away with the same pals every year and has never come back like this - it's a week of outdoor pursuits not a 'lads' holiday.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 08/02/2014 20:36

Something's not right in a basic way, though. Even just blanking your DS - which was the precursor.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/02/2014 20:38

I would agree with those saying something happened on the holiday. Have you asked him?

cozietoesie · 08/02/2014 20:38

PS - and the fact that he's aghast and apologising etc indicates what kind of throw it was because it shows what was going through his mind during the event.

Original poster

fourcorneredcircle · 08/02/2014 20:38

Well, thanks all. I think just typing my thoughts has helped - best go and face the music.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2014 20:38

I think you mean she looked at him with disdain rather than confusion fourcornerd (before checking out whether anyone else saw her undignified landing)

After he said he was going to do it in a bit I think YWBU to try and force him to do it to your timetable, but I'm sure you'd agree with that when hell freezes over

Parenting success for you though having a teenager who talks, well done there

Idespair · 08/02/2014 20:40

I might be saying something really stupid as I have never had a cat, but isn't a cat perfectly happy jumping that kind of distance and regularly doing it (from the top of a fence)? Was it a really bad thing to do with a cat?

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