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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband threw the cat...

100 replies

fourcorneredcircle · 08/02/2014 20:18

My husband, who has until this day (eight years in) been generally calm and loving in a fit of rage threw the cat who he was holding on to the floor. The cat had done nothing wrong and my husband, was in fact, angry at me. The cat is fine and my husband is mortified and absolutely sorry - head in hands, "what have I done" etc.
I just can't help thinking about all of the times I've heard (or even said) if they can do it to an animal, they can do it to a person.

AIBU to be completely confused about how to feel towards him? Part of me feels anger, part of me feels apathy (towards him, not what he did) and part of me feels that I should, as there appears to be no lasting damage, move on.

OP posts:
Triliteral · 08/02/2014 20:41

What you describe sounds like he cast the cat aside in frustration, more than hurled it to the floor with the kind of fury that would cause injury. It doesn't sound like he completely lost control. Can you talk to him and ask him if something else is wrong while he's still in his remorseful stage? Shows of kindness at that point can sometimes bring forth explanations that you wouldn't get at normal times.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 08/02/2014 20:41

As a kind of related but not...when ds1 was 3, I made him cry by 'throwing' him onto the sofa.

I was tired, at the end of my tether (for numerous reasons I won't begin to bore you with) and dumped him on the sofa in the middle of a tantrum. It was a drop from a couple of feet iyswim, not a 'throw'...but could be argued that it was either I suppose, depending on your pov.
The 'drop' was too rough with hindsight...he bit his tongue. It was bleeding and everything. I've never felt guilt like it and dh gave me a proper going over.

BUT...dh would never have suggested that I was being abusive. It was stupid and thoughtless of me, but dh knows me well enough to know I would never intend harm iyswim?

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2014 20:45

It's fine to drop a cat when you're standing up Idespair, although I wouldn't just out of politeness, but they need time to get into position to land, if you just chucked one down with no time then they'd fall on their backs.

That still wouldn't hurt them I would say, their fluff/the carpet cushions the fall, it's their pride that's most wounded.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 08/02/2014 20:45

It could still be linked to something that happened on the holiday, or something he heard about while he was away....

My DH is generally mild-mannered and definitely not a twunt normally. But very occasionally he has suddenly snapped my head off or come out with something pretty bad and out of character, I was always shocked as much by the abnormalness of it as much as what he actually said.

Pretty much every time I can remember, I have found out shortly after that there was something serious bothering him... the last time was that he had just heard of the death of someone he used to know well, and was understandably upset (and he also apologised sincerely for what he said later, once he had calmed down and also talked to me about what happened). So it's possible it's something like that?

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 20:46

So he threw the cat, and he continuously blanked your 16yo?

Sorry to ask this, and I really don't want to upset you, but is it possible that he is having an affair! I just wondered, if his behaviour is so out of character......?

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 08/02/2014 20:53

Just to chuck another anecdote in...

When dh went on a 3 day stag do abroad a few years back he was acting oddly when he came back. A bit brooding, moody and distant.

Over the space of a couple of weeks I convinced myself he had cheated when he was away as I couldn't think of any other reason for his change. Then I found out from a friend who's dh had also been on the stag that the stag himself (who is dh's best friend - dh was supposed to be best man at the wedding) had hooked up with some woman when they were over there and basically cheated continuously for the 4 days.

I confronted dh and asked why he hadn't told me and he'd been sworn to secrecy by his mate. So he was basically brooding over that - being disgusted with the stags behaviour, guilty for not telling me or the bride to be (who was a mutual friend of ours) and not knowing what to do as he didn't want to dob his mate in.

As it happened, the wedding didn't go ahead as someone else told their dw, who told the bride to be.

BUT...don't start panicking that he's having an affair! There could be a multitude of reasons if he's being a bit odd or weird.

Casmama · 08/02/2014 20:55

It sounds like his behaviour with the cat was inappropriate and he is remorseful which is a good thing.
However, your description of saying "no, fucking do it now" as being a "bit heated" and not acknowledging the complete lack of respect in the way you spoke to him makes me wonder if there are greater issues in your relationship.

softlysoftly · 08/02/2014 21:06

I'm probably going to go against the grain here but:

a - you were well out of order going from "in a bit" (him) to "fucking now!" (you)

b - your son is 16, his dads probably got a hangover and tired and just got in, no its not nice not to be all bubbly positivity but is a bit of blanking really that massive an issue?

c - It doesn't sound like he threw or hurt the cat. He flipped it right side up and chucked it on the floor. Thats pretty much ok for a cat.

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/02/2014 21:09

I'm so glad the cat's okay and it's never okay to treat an animal like that ...

but I'm feeling that maybe your teenage DS and your cat and you, all got very negative (albeit different) reactions, in what is a presumably an out-of-character (?) manner ...

and I'm wondering why a man who had just had a good week away with a friend (no matter whether hungry or tired or what) would react like that.

Reading your posts, I strongly felt something was amiss. Could something have happened or there be something preying on his mind, or maybe even something small, that he had a really bad time or fell out with the friend.

Doesn't excuse how he behaved towards the cat or your son, but talk to him (maybe once your both feeling calmer) and hopefully there is an understandable explanation.

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 21:14

You're right Sing - sorry op

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2014 21:14

I would say being tired, hungover (?) and hungry are more than enough reasons to be irritable, does there really need to be anything else?

I'm not saying there isn't, but I wouldn't automatically start prodding if he was just snapping and had good reason to, especially when he apologised straight away afterwards.

Storm in a teacup.

nooka · 08/02/2014 21:31

I agree with Agent and softley, from the OP's account it sounds more like an irritated cat dump than anything particuarly scarily violent from someone who was feeling quite angry in circumstances that sound quite normal. If I was tired, hungry and hung over and grumpy, knew that I'd not behaved very well and my husband was making a huge deal about it I'd probably want to leave the room fairly quickly too. The cat spralled on my lap would likely get turfed off pretty quick, which would mean flipping him over and dumping him on the floor as I got up. The cat would of course be very pissed off, but really not that big a deal.

Maybe it was more than that, none of us were there to know, but it was in the middle of a row where the OP was also behaving very badly.

Littleen · 08/02/2014 21:45

I think in this case your other half probably have something on his mind (that might have been there for ages) and the cat was more a random victim of it. Keep in mind that cats are pretty resilient and it doesn't sound any worse than what I've accidentally done to my 4 cats many times (one time my kitten jumped on to my desk out of nowhere and I got scared and flicked my hand so she bashed in the wall. poor thing, but no harm done luckily!) I wouldn't worry unless he did something violent with intent, esp. with his reaction afterwards. Sounds like you were a bit rude with him after he had been rude to your son, which probably wasn't the best response. I suggest next time you wait until he's calmed down and then tell him to go apologise :) I'm sure there's something behind his behaviour, but wait until he's had a rest and calmed down.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/02/2014 22:19

You have no music to face!

Has he apologised to the cat? I'm being serious

softlysoftly · 08/02/2014 22:32

Please don't ask him to apologise to the bloody cat.

AgentZigzag · 08/02/2014 22:38

Of course he should apologise to the cat, it will be all the worse for him should he not.

His humiliation and eventual downfall will be meticulously plotted by cat else.

I've seen this happen, it was evilly genius.

HadABadDay2014 · 08/02/2014 22:39

It was a rather stupid mistake, which I would over look this time.

Every one does something stupid at 1 time or another, but I would make it very clear that it will not be tolerated in the relationship and next time he feels like that to either go for a walk take a relaxing bath of like I do temper cleaning.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/02/2014 22:46

Poor cat.

6cats3gingerkittens · 08/02/2014 23:25

Tell the fuckwit to piss off.

Theirishwan · 08/02/2014 23:37

The poor man was tired and hungover, getting hassled. Give him a few hours sleep and a good feed and all will be well. The cat will be grand.

Pumpkinpositive · 08/02/2014 23:39

Wasn't there a thread of the same name a couple of years ago? Something in the water? Confused

ohfourfoxache · 08/02/2014 23:40

Yeah, cos it's completely acceptable to throw an animal/ignore your ds if you've got a hangover Hmm

rabbitlady · 08/02/2014 23:40

what happened to him on holiday?

ComposHat · 08/02/2014 23:45

Fuss about nowt by the sound of things.

ChippingInWadesIn · 08/02/2014 23:48

I agree that something happend while he was away. Either something he did himself or something he's covering up for one of the others :( He might still not be ready to talk about it, but if it's affecting him this badly, you will find out what it is soon enough.