To hate these kind of comments about surviving cancer?

[Sallystyle]

I am pretty sure everyone by now is aware my ex husband died in December of cancer leaving three of our young children behind. I know I mention it a lot but it has been a devastating few months.

I think I have mentioned my dislike of these type of comments elsewhere as well.

I go onto FB and see a friends status about how she has been recovered from cancer for over 8 years now. That is fantastic, I have sent messages saying how happy I am for her etc but I take great offence at some of the comments which are on the lines of:

'Of course you fought it, you are strong'
'Cancer could never beat someone like you'
'Hold your head up, this just shows what an amazing strong person you are, cancer never had a chance'

So reading this hit me hard this morning and I have since hid the status in question but I am sitting here feeling really pissed off. This is not the first time I have read stuff like this.

I just want to shout and say cancer doesn't care if you are a strong person or not, dying from cancer doesn't make you any less stronger than the next person. I know no one means any offence but how hard is it to just say congratulations I am so happy for you or something?

Maybe I am just hurting and bitter but I so wanted to comment on it but I did the right thing and just hid it instead and then came straight here to vent.

So am I an unreasonable to hate these type of comments?

lljjk: "Those aren't comments about what other people did or didn't do (whether they were strong or not). They're meant to encourage the survivor to keep their morale up. That's all they're about."

I don't think so. I think the comments are all about the individual writing them. If they thought about the other person, they'd realise they don't help morale at all. I think all this business about being strong and brave is another way of saying "I don't want to hear about the pain you're in. If you're feeling weak and lonely and frightened, please don't tell me. Let's maintain this illusion that you're brave and strong and then I won't need to make an effort to listen to you."

God no, so stupid and insensitive. YANBU!!!

Oh and John Diamond's book is amazing. I'd read it years ago but when my Dad first became ill I truly realised how true it was. Suddenly we were bombarded with friends wanting to help him 'fight' and telling him he should take this or that herbal thing. Er, no, he's going to have the proven treatment thanks and let the surgeon and the chemicals do the fighting.

I can also highly recommend Kate Granger's books 'The Bright Side' and 'The Other Side'. She's inspirational but would be furious if you said she was a 'fighter'. She's a doctor with terminal cancer who writes brilliantly about seeing things from both sides of the fence.

yanbu, my mum died a few weeks ago to cancer, and it's offensive to read such comments. Mind, a while back I read about someone with a preemie baby saying that "she pulled through because she knew how much we love her and how much we wanted her there" which to me is even more offensive!

Please STOP leaving comments like this if any of you do. They make people seethe.

No Mignonette, they make you and some others seethe. They make others upset. But they are what keeps still others going. Which I why I think that a family can't be wrong or inappropriate in the way they approach cancer.

Kundry I think that doctor was on Radio 4 recently, and she talked about the battle terminology. She was very interesting to listen to; I might have a look at her books.

I had a friend implore me to take my mum to Mexico for 'nutritional therapy'. I nodded and smiled and didn't like to say that it was difficult enough helping her along to the bathroom at that stage, let alone getting her on a plane to Mexico

I might have been guilty of using the word battling cancer, fighting cancer in the past, I am not sure, so I know it is one of those things people just say but I don't think I have ever told anyone that they survived cancer because they are strong.

So sorry about your husband, cancer is a b**rd disease. As you know, when you're diagnosed you are told how far it's spread & what your treatment options are. Then you just go onto the treadmill of treatment & surgery. There is no fighting involved, it is just the draw that you are given. I'm clear now, had my 1st 12 months all clear just before Xmas. I spent many a night sitting downstairs at 2am crying, feeling sick & being very scared. Not brave, not fighting, just getting through the process. People can be very judgy when cancer is involved. I've never smoked, I'm not a wino, I've always been, (fairly) slim & been sporty & fit. But, to read some of the stuff about cancer, it lays out blame about lifestyle. My oncologist said it was a load of rubbish & nothing that I'd done. Oh,it's not in the family either. I found that a lot of people are, "oh, you're OK now, why are you not just like you were before." I'll never be like I was before. I've had a boob cut off & will worry about every lump & bump. DH & DC' s now worry too, which is awful to see as I know it's my fault. New Year was spent going for tests for spinal bone Mets, which were negative thank G, just knackered discs. So no, not brave, not fighting & not my fault or fair on the rest of my family. So sorry for you & your family OP, a bstrd disease that is indiscriminate & not bldy fair.

I do understand that people are coming from a good and very well-intentioned place when they say these things. I just don't like these terms at all. People who have cancer or who have someone very close to them with it, absolutely have the right to talk about it in what ever manner they like.

Yanbu

I don't get all that talk either. You either survive, or you don't. You don't get to choose. It's luck. Or not I suppose. I never understand why you are brave to fight cancer either. I mean, what else do you do? Not much choice but try to get on with it til either you're better or you are not. Marketing BS is all it is designed to get your money.

I think it's a dreadfully thoughtless thing to say to someone. It seems to be a standard response from a lot of people though, almost as though they don't know what else to say.

I, along with most other people, have lost loved ones to this awful disease, and have been lucky enough to have loved ones recover. Without exception, all have found comments like these incredibly offensive and upsetting.

I guess people just like using positive words such as strong it helps them but it is insensitive so if a person dies does that make them weak absolutely not

YANBU. I would hate those comments too. I don't have cancer but I do have a serious chronic illness and the suggestion that I can influence it through will power/attitude/exercise/alternative therapies etc gets on my nerves.

I have a secondary cancer, 10 years after I thought I'd beaten it. I won't beat this one.
I think people just don't think, they don't know what to say.
It's not just on FB either, it's all over the media.
Celebs saying how they beat cancer and won, fought it, thought positive and all that shit.
All you can do is take the drugs and hope for the best. That is it.

My mum always wanted to have a positive outlook and I do think it helped her cope as everything else was out of her control.
I've lost both parents, 3/4 grandparents and my grandad is also not going to get better.
No one could say they were weak. The cancer just was too much for their bodies to cope with.
It is a horrible, horrible disease.

YANBU

It gets my goat. As someone whose career has been working in Oncology there is very little evidence being positive has any impact at all. It gives a greater quality of life but doesn't extend your life.

Plenty nasty fuckers survive cancer. Over the years I've treated convicted paedophiles and all sorts of criminals, homeless people, the chronically depressed - seen plenty of them cured.

I've seen the most selfless, wonderful, positive, brave people die ALL THE TIME.

It's luck or fate or something that dictates survival but it isn't courage or positivity.

Thanks waterlego, yes I can see where some of you are coming from, but it is nobodies business how the person pedals with their illness. So one has to check with Mumsnet to see if it's ok to fight cancer . Yes some people take that to other illnesses too, not only Cancer. But yes it is mainly used by those with this illness.

Deals doh

myitchy I think you are spot on. Luck seems to have a lot to do with it. When your cancer gets discovered, what care you get etc. I've so far been lucky that my local consultant referred me to a world renowned expert for the sort of cancer I have. They've been honest with me too and told me because it is so rare my prognosis is uncertain. Nothing I can do about any of it. All I can do is take the drugs and hope the treatment works. If it does then I'm lucky. If it doesn't then I'm just another statistic.

I do think it is odd that 'fight' seems to be only associated with cancer. For example you have heart disease but you don't fight it. You have high blood pressure but don't fight it. You have high cholestrol but you don't fight it. I wonder why that is?

I agree with you. My mum was a fit and healthy 38yo when cancer took her. Every person fighting cancer is strong. Cancer isn't a little person who decides who should die or not depending on their strength

That's an interesting question difficultpickle.

Is it because cancer can be perceived as a 'foreign body' of sorts? Of course, it isn't, but I wonder if people visualise it as something that has 'invaded' the body? It must be hard for some people to accept that it is the body itself that has produced a tumour or tumours.

YANBU. I hate the anthropomorphism of it as well, and I also dislike when people say someone is 'strong' in terms of dealing with any illness or situation, cancer included.

'Strong' doesn't really mean anything I don't think-what does 'strength' actually mean in this context?That if it gets you down you're weak?If an illness beats you and you suffer illness or death then you're weak?As is said above, it implies this-that cancer only beats 'weak' people and the 'strong' people will get through it and survive. People know that isn't true so why say such things. I wonder what a good alternative could be?
I'm so sorry for your loss . xxx

Oh Sam

Yes it is luck, and a whole load of factors, type of cancer, how advanced it is, how the person is responding to treatment. Yes I think people do perceive it as a foreign body to be gotten rid of, it seems the way it is viewed is different to other illnesses.