Crippling jealousy of ex's young, pregnant girlfriend

[windyvillage]

This is long, and I know a lot of people will think I'm out of order, but I need a perspective on my problem. My ex and I split up more than 10 yrs ago, I was 20 when we met and 26 when we split, him 4 yrs older, so we did all that growing up together, first home, family ties etc. We broke up but we have always stayed very close friends, in fact I would say he was my best friend. Since then I met someone and we have been together 10 yrs, but my ex never had any other significant partners and we have carried on a good friendship all within a social circle, going on holiday etc. I had a daughter in 2010 and my ex is her godfather and totally loves her. Last year we moved out of the area and I started to have an idea that he was seeing the ex-girlfriend of a male friend of mine who had brought her as a plus one to my daughters birthday parties. When he knew I had an idea of this he said he needed to come over to speak to me, he stayed over (we live miles away)and told me he had been seeing her. I guess the sticking point here is that he is 41, I am 38 and she is 22. That was enough to set me off in internal rages of jealousy. A few weeks later (last november)he said he needed to come to visit again and this time told me she was pregnant. He also told me he thought she had got pregnant on purpose, and that he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child. Since then he has said that she is asking him why she's not invited when he visits us and can I construct scenarios where we can all meet. to put it mildly I am having trouble getting used to this new scenario after all these years, so I have refused, in honesty I can't even bear thinking of seeing her especially as I am hoping for a second child. Even the fact that she is a teacher is making my blood boil because I work 48 hrs a week away from my dd, and in the future she'll always be with hers in the hols. It doesn't help that she is gorgeous, has never left home, and has moved into the house he owns and so never has to have that struggle with money I had at her age. I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint. The thing is I know I sound like a bunny boiler, I know IABU, but how can I get rid of my jealousy and rage?

[DuchessFanny]

Poor woman ( her, not you )

[AllThatGlistens]

Wtf?!

No one can really be this immature, can they?

That poor, poor woman

[meditrina]

I think it would be best if you cut contact with him, put you focus on your own life and what brings you happiness.

He is being a utter shit to his partner - or do you really think she knows he's attempting to restore confiding intimacy with you?

[JazzAnnNonMouse]

This is all a bit twisted.
I feel sorry for your dp and dd and the pregnant gf.

[pinkyredrose]

He thinks 'she got pregnant on purpose'? He thinks that at age 41?! Words fail me.

He sounds a right arsehole.

Why did the two of you split up?

[whomadeyougod]

you should of moved on years ago , an ex is an ex for a reason , only causes trouble keeping them in your life , you sound very bitter and very unhappy with your lot , feel sorry for your husband and child , sounds like they are a poor second to you .

[KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne]

Your ex sounds awful- hoping that HIS child has something wrong with it and dies? So what, he can get out of responsibility scot free, and leave this poor girl to pick up the pieces of her life after losing a child? Utterly disgusting. Why are you still friends with this man?

I really hope this poor girl doesn't move him into HER house- it sounds like she is in a fairly good position to be a 22 year old single mother- steady job, no mortgage to pay- she doesn't need this dickhead in her life.

Why are you so obsessed with this horrible man? Don't you have a good DH and child of your own?

[Topaz25]

If it's any consolation, it sounds like his girlfriend is in a terrible situation, not an enviable one! He hopes there's something wrong with the baby?! He's not the one that got away, you had a lucky escape! Distance yourself from him and focus on your family, he sounds totally toxic. Consider counselling if you have unresolved feelings regarding your termination. Did he pressure you into it at all? Because it certainly sounds like he is considering trying that with his current girlfriend.

[KoalaFace]

Sometimes jealousy just hits us and we have to accept that we're human and try and have some perspective. Remove yourself from this situation though OP. I have a feeling that your unresolved feelings around your ex and your termination are effecting you more than you realise.

Please try and not envy this girl. She is in for a very difficult time with a very selfish man.

[BalloonSlayer]

You say " I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint" - do you mean that you did not go on to have the baby? Could it be this that is the crux of it?

So perhaps:

You are jealous that she is getting to have her baby but you didn't?

or

He realises the above, is perfectly happy with his new partner but is making up all this horrible "she made me/I hope the pg goes wrong" stuff to make you feel better?

or

He knows you still have a thing for him and he is trying to make you jealous and think you have a future together, or to keep you on the back burner

[Finola1step]

Wow. I opened this thread and started reading it expecting the new gf to be insanely jealous of the ex gf. What a shock!

I could write a really long post about all the issues in this OP but I won't as they have been covered by others.

But I would like to ask, where do you see your long term partner, the father of your child in all this? Or does he just have to put up and shut up?

[MomentForLife]

Sorry if this is blunt, but did you both decide it wasn't the right time when you were pregnant, or did he persuade you to feel like that?

It's just now your ex finds himself with another pregnant gf and doesn't want the baby? Won't go in to how I feel about his comments about his unborn child.

It seems there is no right time for him. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Play happy families with you and your family, but have a sexual relationship with a younger woman, then go back to you to complain.

Sounds like a perma child and sorry but your relationship is like something out of Emmerdale.

[Wuxiapian]

Sounds as though you're still not over your ex.

Move on, FGS!!

[tomverlaine]

For the last ten years you have been the most important woman in his life and your daughter the most important child. Now thats going to change and you don't like it. I understand that you feel like this but you have to try and let it go. A lot of people feel the same about significant exes- and tbh it doesn't matter who split up with you. I hated when my ex met someone else and was settling down- it didn't matter that I didn't want him - he was supposed to want me for ever!
I do think the age and the termination make it worse. That could have been you- what might have been is powerful

[MothratheMighty]

'he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child'

You are jealous of her? Poor, deceived young woman in love with this vile pretence of a human being.
She deserves support, and he deserves a vasectomy with secateurs and no anaesthetic.

[SpinDoctorofAethelred]

I'm not sure who I feel most sorry for: you, OP, because all these years later you're still attached to a manipulative, two-faced git, and I'm getting the impression you didn't want to terminate, or his present girlfriend, who is still with a man who was hoping for foetal abnormalities at the scan.

It's like a book by Jodi Picoult, it really is. Maybe it's the baby in all this to be pitied most. You and his girlfriend will be able to move on one day (you technically have already) but that baby will always have a foul person for a father.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

oh my god. He is vile.

I am amazed that the emotion you feel is jealousy and not revulsion, tbh.

[bochead]

Your ex is NOT good Daddy material because:-

1/ You were persuaded to terminate
2/ This lady has been more stubborn, so he's hoping nature will do the job the hospital won't.

I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure he intends to stick around long term for his child. What parent WANTS their child to have a disability? That's just not normal ffs!

I honestly think you need to do two things, before his dysfunction destroys your own family

1/ See a therapist to work through your feelings about your termination as I get the impression that although it seemed the sensible thing to do at the time, you have regrets.
2/ Distance yourself from this man after telling him straight that he needs to man up - 41 and about to be a Dad means his Peter Pan fantasy is a bust now.

Then I think you need to count your blessings as you have a decent partner who is not only raising one child with you, but is looking forward to trying for number two!

If you hate your job then find another one (I know it's not easy but it's better to focus your energy somewhere constructive at this point in time!). It does sound as if the hours you are doing are leaving you exhausted and none of us think rationally when we are over tired. With those hours you need to devote your scanty free time to your own family right now.

[kilmuir]

You have an odd relationship with your EX.
Grow up. Stop listening to his stupid remarks, tell him its a horrid thing he has said.
Stop being so involved and available

[DamnBamboo]

Dear god.

Sounds like you and deserve each other quite frankly.

His poor, poor girlfriend! And your poor husband.

[pianodoodle]

It's perfectly normal for you to secretly hope that your ex will never find anyone better than you. It's not normal though to keep in touch with him for years and make him godfather to your child

I'm the other way round actually! An ex of mine is godfather to our child and a great family friend.

He also has a nice new girlfriend and I've never wished him anything other happiness!

[PoshPaula]

He's your EX. That means whatever he does is none of your business. And vice versa.

You and him sound very well suited.