Crippling jealousy of ex's young, pregnant girlfriend

[windyvillage]

This is long, and I know a lot of people will think I'm out of order, but I need a perspective on my problem. My ex and I split up more than 10 yrs ago, I was 20 when we met and 26 when we split, him 4 yrs older, so we did all that growing up together, first home, family ties etc. We broke up but we have always stayed very close friends, in fact I would say he was my best friend. Since then I met someone and we have been together 10 yrs, but my ex never had any other significant partners and we have carried on a good friendship all within a social circle, going on holiday etc. I had a daughter in 2010 and my ex is her godfather and totally loves her. Last year we moved out of the area and I started to have an idea that he was seeing the ex-girlfriend of a male friend of mine who had brought her as a plus one to my daughters birthday parties. When he knew I had an idea of this he said he needed to come over to speak to me, he stayed over (we live miles away)and told me he had been seeing her. I guess the sticking point here is that he is 41, I am 38 and she is 22. That was enough to set me off in internal rages of jealousy. A few weeks later (last november)he said he needed to come to visit again and this time told me she was pregnant. He also told me he thought she had got pregnant on purpose, and that he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child. Since then he has said that she is asking him why she's not invited when he visits us and can I construct scenarios where we can all meet. to put it mildly I am having trouble getting used to this new scenario after all these years, so I have refused, in honesty I can't even bear thinking of seeing her especially as I am hoping for a second child. Even the fact that she is a teacher is making my blood boil because I work 48 hrs a week away from my dd, and in the future she'll always be with hers in the hols. It doesn't help that she is gorgeous, has never left home, and has moved into the house he owns and so never has to have that struggle with money I had at her age. I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint. The thing is I know I sound like a bunny boiler, I know IABU, but how can I get rid of my jealousy and rage?

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I suspect that (and this probably won't help you Windy) he actually is chuffed to bits he has a 22 year old girlfriend and he is probably happy that she is pregnant too. Telling you he feels she trapped him by becoming pregnant and that he hoped there was some foetal abnormality leading to necessary termination all sound like ways to keep you on the hook! His reasons this are what? Probably that he loves the attention you give him perhaps?
I agree with other posters in that you need to disengage from them as he can't keep her out of your circle of friends for ever surely, and if that is what he is doing currently, he sounds like a knob.

[Alwayscheerful]

OP, lots of good advice on this thread.

You mention your XP is your DDs Godfather and you are hoping for another child, how does your child's DF feel about your relationship with your XP?

Concentrate on your own life and try and let him go you are torturing yourself and you need to move on.

[Branleuse]

Wow

[Logg1e]

I can't decide if he's a twat, or pretending to be a twat in front of you, or if this is all fiction.

[ilovechips]

Does your partner know how you feel about your ex? If you were my partner and I read this thread then our relationship would be over, quite simply.

[overmydeadbody]

I agree with Dinnea. I bet he is just saying those things to mess with you.

What does your DH think of all this jealousy and obsessing about your ex and private meetings so he can update you on his love life and watch you squirm?

[hickorychicken]

Life changes, people move on.....maybe you should.
I feel for your dp, im sure your relationship with your ex makes him feel very secure.....

[Morloth]

Well hopefully she will see him for what he is and dump his vile arse then he can be all yours again.

What a prick.

[niceguy2]

WOW! There's so much dysfunction here that where do you even start.

I suspect everything was fine between you & your ex whilst he never had any other as you put it 'significant partners'. Whilst you did. So could it be that you were happy about the situation where you felt your ex hadn't found anyone better than you?

But now he's found a much younger, more attractive woman with a great job AND is now pregnant which means he will be much more committed (hopefully) then you're suddenly jealous. In short he's now found someone better.

As for your ex, he thinks his girlfriend got pregnant on purpose....right.....and at the same time he hopes something is wrong with the baby

It's perfectly normal for you to secretly hope that your ex will never find anyone better than you. It's not normal though to keep in touch with him for years and make him godfather to your child.

The best thing to do really is to cut ties with your ex. Let him get on with his life with his new girlfriend whereever that may take him. And you concentrate on your own family.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Wow. Mind blown. Firstly, it's obvious you weren't 'just friends' for this last ten years. The way you feel now indicates that you always had feelings for him. Poor husband.
Secondly, he's a nasty cunt, isn't he? He has present at the conception and was equally responsible. And to wish there was something wrong with the foetus? Wow. I can't even.
Thirdly - you need to start being welcoming and normal with her. Or you are going to jeopardise your own relationship, because these jealous and possessive feelings you have towards your ex are going to become obvious to your husband.
Fourthly - if you don't get over it, your ex is likely to pull away from you, if he has any morals and commitment to his partner (which is dubious, true) but it's still likely.

[PollyPutTheKettle]

Run this one by me again.

You are jealous of a 22 year old who before living with this man had never left home. But now lives with an older man who wishes his child had something wrong with him/her and believes she got herself pregnant deliberately (erm, has he heard of condoms?) And on top of that he is meeting up with his ex and isn't inviting her.

YABU but I wonder if this is more to do with your pregnancy at her age.

Have you ever considered your ex is lying and not a particularly nice person? Sounds like he is playing you for reasons unknown.

[AnyFucker]

Good Lord, if this is real you both sound like a pair of absolute twats

Get back together...you deserve each other.

[hickorychicken]

Also,OP arent you disgusted about what he said in regards to the baby? Or will you excuse that sort of shit as you are clearly stilll in love with him

[NotJustACigar]

I agree with Awkwardsis. And I think you need therapy because this situation has brought up something that's hurting you that has nothing to do with your ex's new gf. You aren't the one who stands to suffer a great deal in this situation and your ex sounds like an awful person. If you don't think you can help and support his gf then I think you should step away.

[OhMerGerd]

You barely mention your own partner and I presume father of your DD in all this drama which has been going on for almost a year or so. Or is DD your ex's child ( godfather loves her to bits) and were you hoping for second child with him?
Why not take this as an opportunity to focus on your own family and make the changes in your life that you would like. If you want to be a teacher ... Enrol on a teaching course or a course that will help you get there. I'm sure all the tension, jealousy and second guessing around your DD's life isn't helping you while you ttc. And I bet its not helping your DP either.
Do what you should have done ten years ago. Drop the ex.(do it gently if you want and can but if that hurts too much make it swift and complete). Wish him well with his new family and concentrate on yours .

[OhMerGerd]

I'm sure all the tension, jealousy and second guessing around your Ex's life isn't helping you while you ttc.
Typo sorry

[Booboostoo]

You broke up with the guy 10 years ago and you are jealous because he now has a serious GF? Why? And what does her age have to do with it? Or her getting pregnant?

You sound as lovely as your ex. The only people I sympathise with are the poor pregnant GF and you own partner.

[ChasedByBees]

know a lot of people will think I'm out of order

Yes.

[YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime]

I think this relates to your termination. She hasn't terminated.

[WhisperingShadow]

I think you need to gain some emotional intelligance and empathy for the other people in this twistered scenario.

[formerbabe]

You're having a laugh! Why would you be jealous of a pregnant young woman whose partner is hoping there is something wrong with the baby and doesn't have her own home.

[MargotLovedTom]

How weird.

What on earth does your DP, who only gets a cursory mention, make of all this? Don't tell me, you haven't said a word?!

[MargotLovedTom]

How weird.

What on earth does your DP, who only gets a cursory mention, make of all this? Don't tell me, you haven't said a word?!

[bodygoingsouth]

I feel very sorry for the gf and your partner and dd.

you and your ex sound toxic.

[somedizzywhore1804]

He sounds lovely I'd say you're best off out if that. Count your blessings.