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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

401 replies

YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 11:09

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

OP posts:
StickyFloor · 05/02/2014 12:56

DH is working and I am SAHM but in control of the money. We don't have a joint account so I go into his account and divvy up the money each month - bless him, he doesn't even know his own online access info and just lets me get on with it!

I add up all our income and deduct regular household and family outgoings - what is left is roughly £400 for the savings account and £300 each to play with. We each spend our share on whatever the hell we want, simple as that. Anything unusual for the kids or the house, presents, holidays etc we discuss and then either pay from savings or split the cost from our own spending money. Little bits like school trips treats for the kids I tend to pay out of my own money because I can afford it so don't care - equally if dh takes the kids swimming etc he will just pay it, we are happy that the little things even up between us.

We consider all money joint but don't need a joint account to make it work. We both prefer having our own separate pool of money to do with as we wish. I guess I am lucky we have no issues here about DH earning and me being SAHM, so we share equally.

purplebaubles · 05/02/2014 12:59

Erm. nothing. £134 sounds bliss!

Lottiedoubtie · 05/02/2014 13:05

Your question has muddied the waters OP. whether you have 'enough' or not is totally beside the point.

You have no idea if your DH is giving you everything he can afford or has a million dollar stash under his side of the mattress. This is a massive problem.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 05/02/2014 13:06

I think there is a lot of variation on what if for yourself
I would include hair and makeup for me, presents for my friends, frivolous clothes, coffee and cake with friends, CDs and DVDs etc.

I wouldn't include fuel, anything for the children, presents for family on either side, necessary clothes, cinema trips without children etc

So £140 odd seems a lot to me but I wouldn't think so if I had to buy stuff from my second list from it.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 05/02/2014 13:08

And I wouldn't think it was a lot if dh was getting more

Fairylea · 05/02/2014 13:11

We pool everything together and split whatever is left between us to spend (kids and other household stuff already accounted for in joint account- we always over budget and whatever is left is swapped to savings at the end of the month). We each have £150 a month to spend.

Dh is on a low wage of about £15k a year and we have two dc. However we are very fortunate that because I left a senior role in London to move to norfolk that we were able to downsize and therefore have a teeny mortgage, about a third of what others would pay on a similar house. That's the only reason we manage as we do!

Viviennemary · 05/02/2014 13:12

YANBU to want to know how it compares with what you have. But if you have to pay for birthdays and so on out of your personal spending money it's not all really your spending money. But I agree this set amount of personal spends when you haven't actually earned it would remind me a bit of being given pocket money by parents. Not that I would refuse a hefty sum myself though. Grin

diamondlizard · 05/02/2014 13:13

I have they same as dh as I would expect and is only right
Would not accept anything less

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 05/02/2014 13:13

You actually sound like you've left all the stresses of sorting money out to your dh and are happy to do so. Then you're pissed off you don't have enough.
He may be spending nothing to allow for your spending.
He may have hundreds hidden a away.
It could be that he's financially abusive but actually it sounds like a lot of the problems are caused by your passivity.
Find out what the family income is, pay attention, make sure you're treating each other fairly. Stop leaving all the hassle of money to him.

HazleNutt · 05/02/2014 13:14

DH is a SAHD. He has full access to all our accounts and can spend as he pleases. We don't have any allocated spengind money or allowances. Obviously if he suddenly developed a shopping addiction, we would have to review this arrangement, but so far it works fine.

SlightlyTerrified · 05/02/2014 13:16

Someone earlier asked about the correlation of length marriages last and the money thing! There was a thread on here a little while ago and a high number of the people talking about successful marriages said that funds had always been pooled so there were never disagreements about that.

I only know a few people who have been married over 20 years and they all have 'pooled' money.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 05/02/2014 13:17

That was me. I'll try and find the thread you're talking about.
Thanks slightlyterrified

HorraceTheOtter · 05/02/2014 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigbluebus · 05/02/2014 13:20

Everything goes in and out of the joint account here. If we want to buy something for ourselves, we do. No need to ask. Neither of us have extravagant habits/hobbies and if we wanted to buy something expensive we would discuss it - but DH would never say No as it would be unlikely I was asking for anything unreasonable.
I manage all the finances anyway, and actually tell him if funds are getting low and issue the "be careful what you spend" or "use the credit card" warning if things are getting a bit tight at the end of the month.

I would be livid if DH decided how much he thought I could have for myself each month. If we wanted to do that for any reason we would work out a budget together - no way would he be giving me XX amount and keeping the rest for himself. How can he put a 'salary' on what I do in the partnership - although I think some organisations have tried to calculate the value of a SAHM and it is way in excess of what some of you are being valued at by your DH/DPs.

SlightlyTerrified · 05/02/2014 13:23

Also, my best friends parents split up after 25 years of marriage and they had been together since they were 15. The dad sorted all the money out and the mum had no clue what they had at all.

He left her out of the blue one day and she found out they had huge debts and loans (taken out in her name). She was devastated and also horrified she had not.paid more attention to their financial situation.

magichandles · 05/02/2014 13:25

I administer the finances in our household - after bills/ savings etc I transfer us each £650 from the joint account to our personal accounts.

The £650 does include food money though as well as day to day things for the children (so groups/ snacks/ coffees) as well as any eating out and haircuts etc - I guess I end up with around £250 to spend on myself (so haircuts/ clothes/ posher beauty things/ nights out).

That seems an awful lot, but I do manage to spend it every month.

SlightlyTerrified · 05/02/2014 13:28

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/a1951461-long-time-married-what-doesnt-matter I think this is it TheWomanTheyCallJayne

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/02/2014 13:29

There is no way of telling if it is reasonable amount if you don't know how the family finances work. How much does your DH earn? How much is the rent or mortgage and the bills? What savings do you have? Do you have access to the bank accounts and statements?

If you have family disposible income of 260 pm then its reasonable if you have disposable income of 2000 pm then it isn't.

shewhowines · 05/02/2014 14:01

He earns it, I spend it. He was slightly miffed when we changed our credit cards and my limit was a lot higher than his Grin

We both buy what we want, but will discuss anything bigger first. We trust each other to spend within our means. He rarely spends anything on himself. I spend more on me, but he knows I do not spend excessively. I get more weekends away and "do" more things as I am around during the day.

I have moaned on here previously, that he excessively tracks our money. I don't have to justify any spending, but I do have to give him the receipts. He likes to know "where we are financially".

MissMilbanke · 05/02/2014 14:09

Well I can't say if YABU or not as I dont know your circumstances.

I'm a long term SAHM and I can spend waaaaaayyyy more than that if I want to.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't… but my circumstances allow that.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 05/02/2014 14:14

We are currently skint, so like Dh I haven't got anything to spend on me.

When we have money I spend when I want to as does he. We are equals in a partnership. Large purchases are always jointly discussed though but that's because we never have loads of spare money

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 05/02/2014 14:14

Large purchases by either of us are always jointly discussed though but that's because we never have loads of spare money

that should say

Retropear · 05/02/2014 14:15

Joint account on everything so whatever I want which is actually buggar all as the kids seem to bleed us dry.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 14:16

I have certain things I have to pay for each month (cc, contact lenses, school dinners etc) so the money for that gets transferred to my account. I don't drive so no petrol money.

After that, I get the CHB money and I can keep that for 'myself'. I do like to buy nice things for DC though - DH would buy the shittest, ugliest, cheapest clothes known to man so I get some quality things sometimes.

DH does the shopping, pays for the bills and the mortgage and I honestly don't know how much that stuff costs. I do know that they WILL be the best deals out there. I think there are savings & he also has shares & ISAs (or at least he used to). He can decide if he wants to save or buy shares or whatever but he doesn't actually 'spend' much...

Anyway, none of that really matters. I just wanted to know how much other women in my position have to spend on themselves regardless of how they got it. I guess I'm average then.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyHat · 05/02/2014 14:20

Probably £300ish a month but we don't keep track. That would be lunch out, coffees, random purchases and one to two things I want. Some months more, rarely less. I also have a gym membership which works out at approx £120 month if you include the kids memberships plus crèche fees.

Like others we discuss the big stuff first.

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