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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

401 replies

YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 11:09

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

OP posts:
BuggedByJake · 05/02/2014 14:21

I have 700 a month for me & the kids, school dinners, clothes, after school activities etc.

JackNoneReacher · 05/02/2014 14:22

When I was a SAHM I had full access to the joint account and could spend what we could afford. Some months it would be more than the amount you said but sometimes (think insurance, MOT etc) it would be nothing (same for dh).

We operated as a team (still do). I put work on hold to look after our children/family. I didn't get pocket money or an allowance.

Ragwort · 05/02/2014 14:23

I have they same as dh as I would expect and is only right. Would not accept anything less.

I don't necessarily agree with that attitude - my DH has an expensive hobby, I have pretty frugal tastes - (note - we are well covered for pensions/savings/charity donations etc). I don't automatically assume that I should have exactly the same amount of money as my DH as I don't have any need for that sort of money. I am very happy with what I have, I don't feel I am 'missing out' because I don't have the exact amount Confused. I know full well if I wanted/needed anything else it wouldn't be a problem (within reason Grin).

phoolani · 05/02/2014 14:23

Please get rid of the idea that you are 'non-earning'.your earnings are the child are you don't have to pay. Otherwise, having both decided to have a baby (assuming)' you'd be the one taking the whole financial hit. And that wouldn't be fair, would it?

SlightlyTerrified · 05/02/2014 14:24

That all sounds very unequal OP. Why do you not want to know what you have as a household. Your DH could have hundreds left over!

If you need more do you ask?

phoolani · 05/02/2014 14:24

Child care, obviously.

Vagndidit · 05/02/2014 14:25

The idea of a SAHM being rationed out "pocket money" is sad, tbh. Yes, DH earns the salary now, but it is still very much our money.

I'm fairly low maintenance...couldn't care less about expensive clothes or haircuts, so I'm not blowing 100s of pounds a month on "Me.". I buy what we need when we need it, usually clothes and shoes for the rapidly growing DS, and spend within reason. I should like to think that most marriages/partnerships are made up for responsible adults who know how to handle money.

SlightlyTerrified · 05/02/2014 14:26

Ragwort - I think it is more about having access to the same amount of money. I probably spend more than DH as have more expensive hobbies but we both have equal access and decisions when it comes to money.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/02/2014 14:26

Haven't a clue. One joint account. Buy what I like. As does dh. We are both intelligent adults and we both know what our income and expenditure is so what is and isn't reasonable.

I could not live with not knowing if there were savings, ISAs etc. If there were no savings then I would want to be frugal with the CHB so we had savings. If there was £200k in savings I would want more nice clothes for the kids.

JennyCalendar · 05/02/2014 14:28

Just to add another dimension - if DH were to die first, it will make sorting affairs more difficult if you don't know what he's got squirrelled away and where.

My Dad died not too long ago and had been meticulous in always outlining to Mum the different accounts, ISAs, shares, pensions etc. Even so, it was still complex for Mum to track everything down.

WestieMamma · 05/02/2014 14:28

The child benefit and dla equivalent (not in the UK) go into my account. So approx £300 per month. I use that for anything I want to spent when I'm on my own. Most of the time though it just sits in my account as I don't go out very often and I hate shopping. Most of the time my husband is with me so he pays. I end up giving him my money when it's needed for holidays house repairs.

JackShit · 05/02/2014 14:30

All this talk of lunches and haircuts reinforces negative stereotypes about SAHMs Hmm

bishbashboosh · 05/02/2014 14:33

I am so depressed reading at what you all have to spend on yourselves!!

aworkingmummy · 05/02/2014 14:33

I think all this is a bit weird. Money allocated to spend on yourself?
Me & DH buy stuff as and when we need it. If we can't afford it, we do without until we can. We're both aware of our finances and both spend on what we need accordingly.
I would never think Right I've got £100 to go spend on myself this month. I would be more inclined to think Oh some spare money (as if!) and say lets go out for a family treat, or buy something for DS that he doesn't need but would like.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 05/02/2014 14:34

Don't women who work outside the home get their hair cut or eat lunch?

impty · 05/02/2014 14:36

Joint account. We buy what we need/ want from that. Hair, travel, meals out, gifts, make up, anything for dc's from joint.

We also have a home stuff account a seperate holiday acc. and a car(s) acc. and a pet acc.We put money in these each month.

I also have a 'clothes money' account. I put £175 a month in a savings account, just for clothes for me possibly to stop me from spending too much Which means if I do see something expensive I can save up for it rather than run it past dh.

Dh does handle the money, but we do discuss things, and I can and do check the accounts periodically. I think you should take an interest at the very least.

Starballbunny · 05/02/2014 14:36

I don't think lunches and hair cuts are stereo typically SAHM territory.

Taking sandwiches to work, Dying their own hair, not walking into Costa coffee at lunch time are working women, with and without DCs money saving habits too.

JackShit · 05/02/2014 14:38

I think you know what I mean. Thus thread does nothing to dispel the commonly hed opinion that many SAHMs are lazy types who do nothing all day but spend hubby's money on coffees, lunches, friggin' eyebrow shaping and all that bollocks.

LydiaCrawford · 05/02/2014 14:38

I'm not a SAHM but I earn significantly less than DH, especially as I am part-time (my full time wage is about 25% of his).

All our money goes into the same pot. We each buy what we want/need and if it is a big ticket we discuss it. I guess it helps a lot that we both have a similar attitude towards money as we don't really have a budget at all.

perfectstorm · 05/02/2014 14:39

We don't have set amounts to spend on ourselves, whether both are working or I'm at home with a baby. Confused We both know how much cash is coming in, and we both assess what is reasonable for us to buy, and tailor our spending patterns accordingly. He never questions my spending, and I never question his. It's family money - the bigger/sole earner being the one to control the cash and decisions about it makes me twitch, tbh. Both contribute equally to family life and maintenance with paid or unpaid labour, so why should one hold the reins? I suppose if one is a hopeless spendthrift then you'd need to have safeguards in place, but as a general rule I think working in harness as a couple is fairer and healthier.

LittleBearPad · 05/02/2014 14:40

I work and DH and I keep the same amount back for our own current accounts. The rest gies to a joint account.

If I were a SAHM I would expect to be treated like an adult and know I could spend as I thought appropriate, which DH would know would be ok as he knows me.

I would not expect to be given an allowance. As others gave said I am not a child.

£134.80 is very exact is it child benefit. Is this for you only or for you and the DCs. The whole situation sounds wrong to me. You need to discuss like grown iOS.

BeeInYourBonnet · 05/02/2014 14:41

Not sure why it should make a difference if you are SAHM or WOHM. Whether I've been on ML or working, we have always paid everything into joint account and then taken some personal spends out (ranging from 100-250pcm depending on financial situation).

Tbh OP your DH sounds a bit financially abusive. It is NOT healthy for one partner to have no idea about the family finances. I would be interested to know if the savings are in both your names.

MrsJoeHart · 05/02/2014 14:43

I organise our finances, up until recently I had £1,500 per month but we are saving so I've cut down to £1,000. Out of I that I pay for all food inc school dinners, petrol for my car, school bus fairs and anything the dc's need. I haven't worked out what that leaves for me, but the new £1000 a month is tight.

impty · 05/02/2014 14:44

I do know what you mean JackShit. Ihave just come back from getting my hair cut. Yesterday I was at Yoga, and tomorrow I'm meeeting my SIL for lunch. However, I'm just about to start moving furniture so I can begin decorating a room, and do everything in the home and garden so I care very little about any one else's misconceptions.

lilyaldrin · 05/02/2014 14:45

It's not "hubby's money" in my house, so I don't recognise that stereotype. I spent more on lunches and haircuts when I was working.

OP - how much actual cash you have is irrelevant. If you have £130 and your DP has £50, then you have far too much, if he has £500 then you have far too little.

I find your lack of knowledge/care about your own family's financial situation a bit bizarre to be honest. I would not be happy if my partner couldn't even be bothered to know how much our mortgage was!