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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

401 replies

YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 11:09

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

OP posts:
Lifeisaboxofchocs · 09/02/2014 18:13

I posted upthread. I have between 3/400 to spend on me. Some months I spend that, sometimes I don't. If I asked for more, and it was affordable, dh wouldn't think twice. It really feels like our money.

I know Jack all about our finances. Zero interest. In terms of our family life, my focus is children, dh, the household and some admin. Nothing to do with 99% of the bills.

So many mumsnetters would crucify me for this, but I have no plan to change. It works for us. I really, deeply and profoundly trust my dh. If it ever went tits up, I know he would be still straight down the line when it came to finances. I have never met anyone with such a deep rooted respect for rules and the law, so if he was asked to provide a full financial background, I would put my life in it that he would do so. To an utterly anal extent!

What's so wrong with really giving ourselves to our partner? Dh doesn't know so much about how I run the house and children, and I know so little about money and the car. Very old fashioned. But it genuinely ansld truly works for us. Helped no doubt by the fact that dh is a high earner and money isn't a worry.

elismom · 09/02/2014 19:54

Sleepyhead I can remember my dad handing the square brown wage envelope to my mom on a Friday night and he getting his few quid back for his spends. I was born in 1977 so must have been 1980s.
I am just horrified to see that op and others are jointly liable for a mortgage etc but would have no idea of the details. I hope life stays always so straightforward for you always.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2014 20:41

LaQueen apparently so!

MN often leaves me astounded, but some people's ideas are just so bloody weird Grin

LaQueenOfHearts · 09/02/2014 20:55

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Pagwatch · 09/02/2014 21:01

I am a sahm. I own half of everything we have. I spend what I like on what I like. I don't go out and buy myself a Rolex because it's our money - I would be cutting into my own income /savings.

We agreed that I should give up work because one of us had to. I have contributed as much to placing us where we are as he has.

myfriendbill · 09/02/2014 21:12

About 1k a week disposable for me.

LaQueenOfHearts · 09/02/2014 21:14

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Writerwannabe83 · 09/02/2014 21:54

I honestly don't understand the women who have no idea about the financial costs of the house?!

I file all our bills every month so I know exactly what our expenditure is on gas, water, electricity and mortgage. I also have print outs each month of our joint account expenditure and go through it to ensure everything is as it should be. There is no way I could just ignore it all, I have to know that me and DH are financially stable and we will not go overdrawn etc.

I imagine though that the women who don't need this reassurance are in situations where money isn't an issue - I.e they have lots of it and don't ever have to worry about overdrafts Grin

mummyto2boysandagirl3 · 09/02/2014 22:09

My maths is terrible so dh sorts the finances. I look over them every once in a while but the one month I did them we went in the over draft and we never go in it with him budgeting so I'm happy to leave it to him :) I do know how much the bills r when they come out etc I just can't add up :(

As far as money just for me none if I have a genuine need for something I get it but all out money goes on living and the dc if I want a treat ie hair nails etc I wait for Mother's Day Xmas or my bday.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 09/02/2014 23:04

Lifeisaboxofchocs I'm the same on a few things. Not the amount clearly, but I trust DH with money implicitly. He cares about money a great deal. He is a very moral man & would never, ever let me down or deceive me when it comes to money. Other ways perhaps but never this way.

Elismom I have no desire to know, it would feel like a massive chore & I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't have a trust issue either. I know he will trawl the internet for hours for the best deal and knows everything there is to know about all things money related. I would just pay what I'm told & not shop around because it's boring & I CBA. It's better he deals with it, that's all.

I deal with the children and - to a certain extent - the house. For now, it's enough, I guess.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2014 23:51

I really do find it so odd that you don't care about your finances. You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable.

What happens if your DH is suddenly ill and can't deal with this stuff? You don't know what needs paying to who and when, you don't know anything! It is so irresponsible, I find it hard to accept.

My grandpa always dealt with all the finances, my nan had 'zero interest' as some of you are putting it. When he died, she didn't have a CLUE how to manage the household bills. She wasn't named on any of the utility bills so to begin with none of the companies would speak to her. She had never had to work out which deal was best, read through the small print to make sure she wasn't being taken advantage of etc etc etc. It caused no end of heartache at an already dreadful time.
Fortunately for her, her children were grown up and were able to take the strain of sorting things out - and they still do to this day. What on earth would have happened if she had been trying to care for small DCs while wrestling with all of that I have no idea.

Lifeisabox - If it ever went tits up, I know he would be still straight down the line when it came to finances
You obviously don't spend much time on the relationship board then. Plenty of women who used to think that find that they are utterly wrong when their H leaves them, and leaves them in the financial shit.
It is nothing to do with trust or the lack of it, and everything to do with not abdicating yourself from the responsibility of dealing with the basics of your own life.

Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 05:57

I WOTH so shouldn't be commenting I suppose. But surely you need at the very least a pension fund in your own name ? Dh and I have discussed this and both think that if as a couple you agree that one of you will SAH long term (more than a year ?) then it's only fair that the working partner contributes to a pension fund for the SAHP , if funds allow. However I think this should be one of the costs you considers a couple when someone gives up their career. I suppose this should be equal in value to the working partner's pension if at all possible.

From some of the replies on here I do understand if you have £20 spare from the whole budget then in all likelihood no one is putting any money aside for pensions or anything else, which is fair enough and often the way with very young dcs no matter whose working.

FWIW I have about £200 per month to spend as I like some months more, some less. I buy nice clothes for me and the dcs (school uniform and it's adult equivelent comes from sainsbury's or Asda from the j/a) meals out and presents. Unusually cosmetics come from the supermarket and are therefore paid for by j/a.

When dh was a SAHD I transferred £500 PCM into his account.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 10/02/2014 07:19

Alibaba... Really? By not knowing the gas bill I am 'abdicating from the responsibility of dealing with the basics of my own life'.

Totally disagree.

How many mothers out there know so much more about the day to day detail of their children's lives than their husbands? Doesn't mean these men are abdicating themselves of the responsibility of being a fathers (in some cases perhaps)?.no, it is just how family life works in many cases. And the men will pick up other stuff that the women won't know about. Could be the children, or could be the boiler, the car, the garden. It's called working as a partnership and delegation. I am crap with finances. Dh has shown me where everything is in terms of financial documents, includes me on decisions about what to do with his bonus etc. But ultimately, I don't deal of with bills because that his job in our relationship. Whereas my job is otherwise known stuff. If I wasn't happy about it, then it would change.

If I am really happy, my dh is happy. We trust and love one another. We have children together. We really make time for one another. When we went through a patch of bickering a while back, we went for counselling (which was brilliant) we treasure our relationship so much. Why why why do I need to go in relationshipa board and prepare myself for the worst. Why?

Preciousbane · 10/02/2014 07:27

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bragmatic · 10/02/2014 07:32

I don't know much about the detail of our finances. But we have a document that details all the account numbers etc for our savings and loan accounts, and I know internet banking passwords so I could easily access it if he fell under a bus. There's no need for the both of us to be all over it on a monthly basis. There is however a need for me to be able to access all pertinent information and know how to manage finances if need be. And I can.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 10/02/2014 07:33

I know where everything is.

I have lived in my own or in shared flats for years in the past. And dealt with all ny own finances then. It is not brain science! As long as I know where all the doc is, which I do and everything organised meticulously, then if dh suddenly knocked over by a bus, fear not...I would know what electricity company to call, or what pension company, life assurance company etc to deal with!

Preciousbane · 10/02/2014 08:14

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Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 11:13

Life is women drop dead too and if your children's father doesn't know about his children's lives he will be just as disabled anything were to happen to you. I don't think it's acceptable for fathers not to know (for example) likes and dislikes, friends names, teacher's names, the whereabouts of their dc's classrooms, how to make a packed lunch or which night is brownies and which is swimming and the whereabouts of these things.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/02/2014 11:27

I agree wish - all these posts about the men knowing all about the finances whilst the women know about the children and the household (whatever this means?!) just shocks me!!!

Could it be any more cliché of the 'olden days' ..... Smile

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 10/02/2014 12:38

that just does not strike me as a particularly efficient way of doing things. The work environment doesn't work like that, does it? People have a general knowledge of the department they work in, and then their own speciality. It would be grossly inefficient for people to have a thin knowledge of everything and utterly unrealistic to expect people to have a full and detailed knowledge of everything.

We do what works for us. And it works damn well.

Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 12:47

What's not efficient ? Your dh knowing his dcs best friend's name ?

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 10/02/2014 12:50

no, a compete replication of knowledge. In your words, friends names, teachers name, which night is brownies, which is swimming.

But yes, if you want to twist your point so it is now distilled to 'best friend's name' (which you never said in your previous post) then yes... that would be a good and positive thing for dh to know.

The other stuff, not necessary if I am responsible for it all. Why do i need to know when next car service due? I am probably failing as a woman in not knowing this information in your eyes. Right?

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 10/02/2014 12:52

apparently wish... you do all the food planning, meal planning and cooking.

Why isn't you dh helping out for gawd's sake???!!!

Wishihadabs · 10/02/2014 12:56

I consider that stuff the basics.....seriously what would happen if you were taken ill or you just wanted to go away for a few days, or had to stay with a sick or bereaved relative, it makes sense for both partners to be interchangeable to some extent. I am not suggesting we are clones of each other, dh will never bake with them and there is no way I would undertake minor plumbing work around the house. But we both know our financial situation and how the dc's lives function.

Lifeisaboxofchocs · 10/02/2014 12:56

wish, i am actually floored.

You post previously about the fact that you do all food shopping, planning and cooking and even thinking about introducing a traffic light system so your dh knows what not to eat and what to leave for you to cook.

And then you come to this thread and berate me for not necessarily having a complete equal relationship with dh on all matters relating to the home. Shockingly hypocritical