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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want SAHMs to divulge how much money they have to spend?

401 replies

YesAnastasia · 05/02/2014 11:09

How much money do non earning SAHM get to actually spend? On clothes, hair/beauty or whatever they want.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable to want more or if I am spoilt and should suck it up because things are tight.

I have £134.80 a month to myself (yes that's probably a familiar to a lot of you) except when you're a parent, not much is ever just for you anymore is it?

That's ok isn't it? Or is it? It doesn't feel like it, especially when there are birthdays etc. Anyway, what do you get?

OP posts:
BadlyStuffedWalrus · 07/02/2014 10:44

When my partner was alive, we both had personal accounts but also had a joint account. We had similar earnings, so we mostly operated a 50% of salary into the joint account policy to cover household bills and put a bit aside for savings. When I was on maternity leave, we used those savings to pay me spending money in line with what I'd have had if working. It mostly worked well for us, though I was better at not building up personal credit card debt. There was definitely an agreement that if anything went wrong for one of us on that front the other would bail them out.

dogindisguise · 07/02/2014 11:57

We have a joint account and I am able to spend what I like, within reason. I do sometimes feel guilty that I sometimes buy clothes from Boden whereas DH is happy with Asda, he cuts his own hair whereas I spend £30 every couple of months on mine. On the other hand, I don't drink. We have lost our CB although I do earn a little money from proof reading work from home and online surveys.

ssd · 07/02/2014 12:16

of all the couples I know who dont share the joint account equally, its all his money and her money, all of the( and I mean all,) men have had affairs...

men know money is power and having most of the money in the marriage counts as something.....its like having power over the woman so you can do as you like...

but the women have stayed with these men, there seems to be something appealing in the little woman attitude "oh I dont know how much the bills are, I'm a real girl when it comes to that..."

I'd rather be single than live like this.

brooncoo · 07/02/2014 12:37

I'm a SAHM and We have separate accounts but we see the money as family money. I've never felt it's not my money as well and I can spend what I like on what I like. like haing an account that I only have access to - can see more easily what I'm spending. We did have joint account once for a while and it didn't feel any different.

fedupandfifty · 07/02/2014 12:44

I'm not quite a sahm, but here's my arrangement.

Dp's salary covers mortgage and most of bills. We go halves on food. I have a source ofincome derived from investments and property built up when I was working. It's about 1200 per month.

Out of that, I have furnished, carpeted and decorated the house. I clothe and otherwise fund dd. I buy and run my own cars, buy clothes and entertain myself. Over the past few years when money has been tight I have paid for family holidays too ( cheap staycations).

We do not have a joint bank account, and I could not imagine myself "asking" for money.

We're about the same in terms of assets, but he's earning way more than me at the moment, as I gave up work when dd was born and I have been unable to get well-paid regular work which fits around childcare commitments.

ShitOnAStick · 07/02/2014 13:42

The same as DH which is nothing. If one of us needs something we look at our finances and set a budget for it.

ssd · 07/02/2014 14:06

fedupandfifty, that sounds like a business arrangement Sad

fedupandfifty · 07/02/2014 14:39

ssd as you said yourself, money is power! I'd feel powerless in my relationship if I didn't have my own money. Dp is a tight-arse and I would find it demeaning (and pointless) to have to share a pot of money with him. He'd question everything and make me justify it.

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 15:10

I'm not a parent but what do parents do eg with child benefit?

One mother I knew saved this up for herself - eg hair salon trips. But then her husband was wealthy and they had 2 kids under 3.

does CB go into the housekeeping pot too?

Creamycoolerwithcream · 07/02/2014 15:12

I think knowledge is power, not knowing what the household bills etc are such as in the case of the OP is not good.

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 15:14

friends of mine (1) complained bitterly when she was a SAHM as her DH vetoed every payment and she was a clothes and makeup woman. She went back to work ASAP and they only have a DD.

Another friend saved and her DP, then DH decided to let her have 2 years off not working (but doing on the side work, she's an architect/interior designer) before they got married and had DC. they rented out properties they owned to pay mortgage and then rented another property (as couldn't sell first 2 properties or wanted to keep 1). She said she was 'living off' her DP, then DF then DH but didn't mind.

Joysmum · 07/02/2014 15:16

Income is income Helloboys. Doesn't matter if it's wages, benefits or from investments. Income minus outgoings on the the costs of running home, cars and personal car then leaves us with our disposable household income which is divided equally.

I totally agree with fedupandfifty I couldn't share a personal bank account with my DH as I need to have financial autonomy over my own spending power.

Ragwort · 07/02/2014 15:18

fedupandfifty I hope you have your name on the house? Does your DP have life insurance? What would happen if he died or you split up?

HelloBoys - in our family we made the decision to use CB for our DS's pension - yes, we started a pension fund for him when he was born. Grin

I appreciate we are in a comfortable finanical position to be able to do this.

tolittletoolate · 07/02/2014 15:20

I don't have an allowance, I just spend what I like from our joint account. Within reason obviously! I don't take the piss.

foreverondiet · 07/02/2014 15:23

My DH earns more than me (I work part time) but money is shared - I spend more than him as I buy all the food, kids clothes, my clothes household products birthday presents etc etc and he buys only stuff for himself (and actually he doesn't buy much). Bills etc from joint account.

Its not a good question as it depends on how much money you have as a family to spare. I would be livid if my DH say could afford an ipad and I couldn't. He knows he can only work the hours he does as I am home more. That's fine but thats why I earn less.

HelloBoys · 07/02/2014 15:30

whenever I've lived with boyfriends have always kept separate accounts.

My mum and stepdad - they both had separate accounts, my mum (before internet banking and maybe even now) wrote down in an accounts book what went in and came out. She is extremely good with her money though and was taught this by her mum who was book-keeper (and owned own business). AFAIK My stepdad frittered away money but now he's retired (good civil service pension, lump sum etc) is much better.

I think communication is key.

MrsKoala · 07/02/2014 15:41

DH and i have a joint account. All bills come out of that and we try to stick to £50 each a week for expenses (not clothes usually, but coffees, lunch, activities, cosmetics, leg waxes, hair cuts, going out etc). Clothes and shoes we discuss (ie let the other know we need x and how much it costs, to ensure we have enough to cover it - we might wait a month or 2 if we have a lot of outgoings) but we are both sensible. In December dh spent a grand on a suit, 2 pairs of shoes and a tie. But we agreed it and he really needed them - he hadn't bought a new item for 3 years. I never let my stocks deplete to that level so the most i need is £200-£400 at a time for boots or a coat (altho that's only every 2-3 years).

We also both get all our clothes for xmas and birthday gifts. So it's rare we ever shop for clothes really.

fedupandfifty · 07/02/2014 16:20

ragwort I don't have my name on the house. He has life insurance which will pay off the mortgage if he dies. He has a pension too, quite a good one.

I appreciate I'm not in a brilliant position financially at the moment. I have a couple of houses I could sell (or move into) if push came to shove. My main concern is not being able to find well-paid employment. Being ancient, this is now a real issue.

I've been with dp for 30 years. I appreciate I have no automatic rights.

Rosieliveson · 07/02/2014 18:05

I've given up work to be SAHM so we have one income which is now 'our' money. After all outgoings we have £400 allocated to general spending. That includes clothes, going out and also anything for baby. If there is a large purchase either of us want to make we discuss it. We are generally more sensible now there is DS to think about.

It is strange not having my own salary coming in but we have run a house together for years so I've had a while to get used to being less frivolous Grin

Joysmum · 07/02/2014 18:23

I don't see why I should have to discuss a bigger prlurchase for myself with my DH. That's why our disposable income is divided equally and put in separate personal accounts. We aren't accountable to the other for our personal spending.

I'd never want to be in the position where I have to justify my wants, even to my husband.

Summerblaze · 07/02/2014 18:36

I save dc's CB to use for their purchases. Clothes, clubs, nappies etc until it is gone then i start on our money. Some months its all gone and then others there is loads left which rolls on to the next month.

scottishmummy · 07/02/2014 19:40

Cb is for the child,given by govt to the I aren't.it's right cb be spent on child
Cb isn't parental latte fund.or haircuts or jollies
It's means tested benefit to be spent in the child

Madamecastafiore · 07/02/2014 19:42

£450 per month.

Whatnamenext · 07/02/2014 19:43

DP and I have bought a house together. I already had 2 children. He earns much more than me. I work pt, he works full time. Spend what we want but discuss big purchases. Never argue about money.

I feel like one lucky bugger.

Madamecastafiore · 07/02/2014 19:45

I spend what I want in groceries and use joint account for kids clothes and house stuff.

I have an allowance as am a bit of a menace and would bankrupt us whereas DH budgets and invests and all that jazz.