To think that DP can't really go on his brother's stag?

[Cookethenook]

Bit long, sorry, but i really need some advice.

DP's brother is getting married this year and the stag is coming up in a few months.

I've just come off maternity leave, but am unable to fully return to work because i'm having a fairly major op in April and the nature of my job (childcarer) means that i'm not able to sign people up for that short amount of time if i'm then going to be off for 8 weeks (i'm doing babysitting, holiday and emergency childminding at the mo).

We are pretty broke at the moment as a result, but as my parents insisted that i go for my operation instead of going back to work, they offered to give us any extra money we needed to get by for the next few months. This is UNBELIEVABLY generous of them as they are both retired, and although they are not badly off, it would mean digging into their savings a bit if something big came up.

I'm also having to sell a precious family heirloom at auction as well, to raise some extra funds.

So, back to the stag.

So a few weeks ago the best man emailed round saying 'we're going to be doing something such and such weekend, is everyone in?' kind of thing. DP said yes. He had a bit of birthday money and assumed that would cover it.
About a week later, best man emailed back saying, 'we're going for two nights away, doing 2 activities and are going out on the saturday for curry and clubbing. It's going to cost £230 just for the accommodation and activities.'

We were totally gobsmacked. We had no idea it would cost that much!! We thought it would be a night out in london or brighton, so £50 max for him. It doesn't include:
-travel
-food and drink for the friday and sunday
-food, drink and club entry for the saturday

• the £40 we've already paid for dp to do a different stag activity on a different weekend

After deliberating for about a week, it was decided that there was no way we could afford it. He was just about to email the guy to tell him no, when he received an email saying it was all booked and could everyone pay up. DP hadn't replied at that point, so this guy had booked without getting the final all clear from everyone.

So to cut a long story short, a private email was sent saying no, and the guy has come back saying 'could you just stay at the accommodation and thats it, it'll cost £120.'

DP is now wondering wether he should ask his parents for the money as they are well off and he knows they'd say yes. I don't think this is a good idea and tbh, a bit unfair on me and our kids, as well as my parents who are scrimping and saving. We're also having to travel to the other end of the country for the wedding anyway AND we still haven't sorted a gift AND he's already doing another stag activity.

I know it's his brother's stag and i do feel awful that he's in this position because of me, but i really don't think it's an option for him to go. I'm also bloody pissed that this guy booked it without getting a final confirmation from him and has put us in this position. I also think that if dp is going and just staying at the house and not doing anything else, then whats the point in going?

What do you think?

It's a jolly. It's not the actual wedding. It's a nice idea that has snowballed into a ridiculous level of extravagance in recent years.

If you really value someone's attendance, you make sure you don't plan anything more expensive than you know that person is comfortably able to afford unless you are prepared to subsidise it yourself comfortable in the knowledge that won't cause offence. Either you just want to get pissed somewhere a bit more exotic than your local or it's your friend's attendance that is important. To have both is great, but I know which is the most important.

When you know that your guests have families of their own and other commitments and are already struggling, it displays an absolutely staggering sense of entitlement to expect them to make their own families go without in order to get pissed up with you (or in this case the numpty best man who organised it).

He obviously shouldn't go! As another poster said, the other people going will just need to all pay a bit extra. It's a house they are renting so they split the cost, no biggie. If more people cancel on him, he will realise that he shouldn't have presumed people could pay that much, and hopefully get a refund/learn a lesson..
If the OP's DP is embarrassed that they can't afford it, he can tell them how the OP is heading for an op and he needs to be at home.

He's going to his bro's 'other' stag do, so absolutely no need to go to this one. The best man should never have booked it without confirmation anyway.

If a family is being helped out financially by parents to make ends meet then it doesn't seem right to accept money from someone else for one family member to go on a jolly.

IMHO.

Your parents are helping the family out, a big operation is no walk in the park. So for the sake of the family, who will all benefit they are lending you hard saved monies.

His parents want to indulge him with non necessities, sorry I don't think he should accept money for a weekend jolly up.

Two totally different cases and I would not feel comfortable taking money for anything other than true necessity.

He can't afford to go, that's it!

I think I'm going to go against the grain here...

1/ the BM did ask Dh if he was 'in' initially and dh said yes, he didn't hear anymore so I think it was reasonable of him to book tbh, how long was there between the 2 nd email and booking? And how was it worded?

2/ dh is going on another stag activity - I'm presuming this is for someone else? I'd be pissed off if I was his brother and found that out.

3/ your parents are helping, why won't you let his?

If his parents are going to "help", shouldn't they be helping the family not have to sell heirlooms to survive rather than helping one member have a weekend away that costs twice what the last family holiday did?

BeaWheesht,

1. OP's DP agreed to go on the stag night in principle, thinking it would be a night out for about £50. When the Best Man said it was a more expensive weekend away he should have checked everyone agreed to the new plan and prices before booking.

1. The other stag activity is also for his brother.

1. Since OP's parents are scrimping and saving to help the whole family get by, it doesn't seem very fair for his parents to pay for a luxury for just him rather than helping with everyday expenses.

Your DP needs to talk to his brother. If you have been downplaying your situation in any way or not telling his family everything, now is the time to spell it out. At the end of the day, either his brother is a nice guy who will understand that you and DP are struggling financially and can't afford a holiday because you are going to have major surgery or he is not a nice guy, in which case why celebrate with him? He should understand that if he is going to throw such an expensive, extravagant event, then with the best will in the world some people won't be able to attend. Maybe your DP could go offer to go for a cheaper night out on the town with him another time? It wouldn't be the same but would show he doesn't want to fall out.