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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DP can't really go on his brother's stag?

108 replies

Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 09:50

Bit long, sorry, but i really need some advice.

DP's brother is getting married this year and the stag is coming up in a few months.

I've just come off maternity leave, but am unable to fully return to work because i'm having a fairly major op in April and the nature of my job (childcarer) means that i'm not able to sign people up for that short amount of time if i'm then going to be off for 8 weeks (i'm doing babysitting, holiday and emergency childminding at the mo).

We are pretty broke at the moment as a result, but as my parents insisted that i go for my operation instead of going back to work, they offered to give us any extra money we needed to get by for the next few months. This is UNBELIEVABLY generous of them as they are both retired, and although they are not badly off, it would mean digging into their savings a bit if something big came up.

I'm also having to sell a precious family heirloom at auction as well, to raise some extra funds.

So, back to the stag.

So a few weeks ago the best man emailed round saying 'we're going to be doing something such and such weekend, is everyone in?' kind of thing. DP said yes. He had a bit of birthday money and assumed that would cover it.
About a week later, best man emailed back saying, 'we're going for two nights away, doing 2 activities and are going out on the saturday for curry and clubbing. It's going to cost £230 just for the accommodation and activities.'

We were totally gobsmacked. We had no idea it would cost that much!! We thought it would be a night out in london or brighton, so £50 max for him. It doesn't include:
-travel
-food and drink for the friday and sunday
-food, drink and club entry for the saturday

  • the £40 we've already paid for dp to do a different stag activity on a different weekend

After deliberating for about a week, it was decided that there was no way we could afford it. He was just about to email the guy to tell him no, when he received an email saying it was all booked and could everyone pay up. DP hadn't replied at that point, so this guy had booked without getting the final all clear from everyone.

So to cut a long story short, a private email was sent saying no, and the guy has come back saying 'could you just stay at the accommodation and thats it, it'll cost £120.'

DP is now wondering wether he should ask his parents for the money as they are well off and he knows they'd say yes. I don't think this is a good idea and tbh, a bit unfair on me and our kids, as well as my parents who are scrimping and saving. We're also having to travel to the other end of the country for the wedding anyway AND we still haven't sorted a gift AND he's already doing another stag activity.

I know it's his brother's stag and i do feel awful that he's in this position because of me, but i really don't think it's an option for him to go. I'm also bloody pissed that this guy booked it without getting a final confirmation from him and has put us in this position. I also think that if dp is going and just staying at the house and not doing anything else, then whats the point in going?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 13:27

kitsmummy i actually agree that dp didn't get back to him fast enough, we were genuinely trying to figure out a way for him to go. However, i think the bm is at bigger fault by booking it without checking that everyone had replied saying yes.

OP posts:
IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 04/02/2014 13:31

Exactly, Squoosh...

kitsmummy · 04/02/2014 13:39

The best man is definitely at fault but I think there is blame on both sides. Perhaps you could offer a contribution towards accom costs, after all, you hadn't specifically said yes to the emailed costs but you had previously said yes to the stag do.

The best man should have covered himself by double checking but I think it would be pretty harsh if he was left out of pocket if someone had previously said yes and then waited a week to say no.

kitsmummy · 04/02/2014 13:41

By the way, I do have sympathy for the situation but if it was me I'd feel partly to blame and so would offer to pay at least part of the costs incurred

pigletmania · 04/02/2014 13:42

Yanbu at all, the best man should never ave booked without getting the all clear. He should have sent your dh an e mail asking if he was going to go. Not your dh problem at all, BM has to pay fr his mistake. Dh really cannot afford to go, so he can't go.

siblingrevelry · 04/02/2014 13:46

To be fair to the poor guy who booked it, I'm guessing he just naturally assumed his own brother would be in (especially as he'd already given an in-principle answer).

Hopefully his brother will only marry once, if at least only have one big stag do, so I think you should find the money (as it's his family I'd be comfortable in him asking his parents-even if it's a short term Liam until you're solvent again).

Topaz25 · 04/02/2014 13:47

OP's DP had agreed to attending the stag party in theory without knowing what it entailed. When the best man had dropped the bombshell that accommodation alone will cost hundreds of pounds he should've waited to see if everyone specifically agreed to those costs before booking.

Topaz25 · 04/02/2014 13:50
  • over £100
glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 13:53

100 is prob a expensive lunch for his rich friends.......

or 2 weeks shopping for you

so they prob thought

We are rich, is eveyone not...

lilyaldrin · 04/02/2014 13:57

It's ridiculous to suggest the OP and her DP are obliged in some way to go to or fund an expensive weekend away when money is so tight they are having to sell heirlooms!

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 13:57

Glasgow- did you miss the bit that the OP's BIL and all his friends are still late 20s and childfree? Yes, priorities change once you've had DCs, but it's a bit shit to suggest that because other people you know have had DCs, it's somehow means everyone who is in contact with them have to act like they have DCs or they aren't proper grown ups...

The best man was wrong to book it before checking everyone was ok with it, but I don't see that because one person invited can't afford it, there's therefore something very wrong with everyone else wanting to do it.

OP - it's ok to decline, particularly if your DP is doing something else with his brother another weekend. Don't feel bad. Even if all the other invitees can afford it, I bet there's some that your BIL would have liked there who can't go because they've got other commitments that weekend. It's ok to miss these things.

AGoodPirate · 04/02/2014 13:58

I'm going to be the only one but I think he should ask his parents and go. It's his brother's stag. Hopefully a one off. I'm assuming they get on I suppose and enjoy each other's company.

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 13:59

oh yes and turn it down ASAP, the longer your DP leaves it to say "actually, I never said yes" the less likely it is that the best man can't change the booking or invite someone else to fill the room. If later your DP suddenly finds the money you should spend it paying back your parents I'm sure it would be easier to add him to the booking than to reduce the booking.

lilyaldrin · 04/02/2014 14:00

It's a two off actually AGoodPirate - the DP is already going to the other stag event.

Goldmandra · 04/02/2014 14:01

My guess is that, if your DP had said no earlier, they would still have gone to the same place and would have spread the cost between them anyway so that fact that he delayed before saying no, is unlikely to have cost them more money. It just needs to be divided between fewer people than was originally calculated.

Is there an option for the BM to change the booking to a smaller house?

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 14:23

Is there an option for the BM to change the booking to a smaller house?

I am sure between the ten of them they can take the hit of 400/10 etc....

or they can invite someone else....

TheKitchenWitch · 04/02/2014 14:30

I think if I was booking something like this and had not heard back a week after sending out the costs that everyone who said they were coming was still, in fact, coming. Otherwise a quick "hang on before you book, I need to check finances" email would have been in order.

Goldmandra · 04/02/2014 14:30

I am sure between the ten of them they can take the hit

So am I. I was just thinking about the comments re the OP's DH being morally responsible for his contribution.

He isn't morally responsible by any stretch of the imagination if either they could change to a smaller venue if they chose to or they would have chosen that house even if he'd said no earlier and just split the cost between fewer people.

If the BM is just trying to save face because he messed up by booking without everyone's say so, he needs to either come clean or cover it himself.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 14:31

'I don't really feel the need to draw a line under anything I used to do before I had children.'

Jesus, I do.

The lifestyle I led before I had kids is not compatible with having to look after anyone small and vulnerable.

(drifts off into blissful reverie)

I'd basically grown out of a lot of that by the time I had kids, so drawing a line under it never felt like much of a hardship.

But even if it had, I would have done it.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 14:35

'I'd basically grown out of a lot of that by the time I had kids, so drawing a line under it never felt like much of a hardship.

But even if it had, I would have done it.'

As most people do, that's why it does people good to have a weekend to themselves once or twice a year.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 14:45

No. He shouldn't go. Not nice for him but your parents may have to dip into their savings to helpyou out with essentials.
Just doesn't seem right to spend this amount on a stag do, when your parents are subsidising you.

I once helped my PILs out finanancially. I had to take on extra work for 1 year to do so. When I saw them on a weekend away costing £1000 I felt a bit sick.

They said that their son had paid for it but I was working long hours and not seeing my DCs so I could pay their bills.

If I was being helped out like this I just couldn't go on a stag weekend even if it was being paid for me.

Just does not feel right. Sorry.

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 14:51

I once helped my PILs out finanancially. I had to take on extra work for 1 year to do so. When I saw them on a weekend away costing 1000 I felt a bit sick

their son should have paid you back

:((((

AmberLeaf · 04/02/2014 14:59

It's his brother. He should ask his parents and if they will fund him, he should go.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:03

their son should have paid you back

I agree but he wouldn't, PIL said that if they didn't go on weekend away with him he would not have given them money in place of it so it didn't make any difference. It just seemed bad form to me to go away when I was not able to have a weekend away because I was supporting them.

I feel it is he same with OP. Just not on when her parents are supporting her. IYSWIM

redshifter · 04/02/2014 15:05

It's his brother. He should ask his parents and if they will fund him, he should go.

No.

What about OP's parents? It is not right. Not fair on them.

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