Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To think that DP can't really go on his brother's stag?

108 replies

Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 09:50

Bit long, sorry, but i really need some advice.

DP's brother is getting married this year and the stag is coming up in a few months.

I've just come off maternity leave, but am unable to fully return to work because i'm having a fairly major op in April and the nature of my job (childcarer) means that i'm not able to sign people up for that short amount of time if i'm then going to be off for 8 weeks (i'm doing babysitting, holiday and emergency childminding at the mo).

We are pretty broke at the moment as a result, but as my parents insisted that i go for my operation instead of going back to work, they offered to give us any extra money we needed to get by for the next few months. This is UNBELIEVABLY generous of them as they are both retired, and although they are not badly off, it would mean digging into their savings a bit if something big came up.

I'm also having to sell a precious family heirloom at auction as well, to raise some extra funds.

So, back to the stag.

So a few weeks ago the best man emailed round saying 'we're going to be doing something such and such weekend, is everyone in?' kind of thing. DP said yes. He had a bit of birthday money and assumed that would cover it.
About a week later, best man emailed back saying, 'we're going for two nights away, doing 2 activities and are going out on the saturday for curry and clubbing. It's going to cost £230 just for the accommodation and activities.'

We were totally gobsmacked. We had no idea it would cost that much!! We thought it would be a night out in london or brighton, so £50 max for him. It doesn't include:
-travel
-food and drink for the friday and sunday
-food, drink and club entry for the saturday

the £40 we've already paid for dp to do a different stag activity on a different weekend

After deliberating for about a week, it was decided that there was no way we could afford it. He was just about to email the guy to tell him no, when he received an email saying it was all booked and could everyone pay up. DP hadn't replied at that point, so this guy had booked without getting the final all clear from everyone.

So to cut a long story short, a private email was sent saying no, and the guy has come back saying 'could you just stay at the accommodation and thats it, it'll cost £120.'

DP is now wondering wether he should ask his parents for the money as they are well off and he knows they'd say yes. I don't think this is a good idea and tbh, a bit unfair on me and our kids, as well as my parents who are scrimping and saving. We're also having to travel to the other end of the country for the wedding anyway AND we still haven't sorted a gift AND he's already doing another stag activity.

I know it's his brother's stag and i do feel awful that he's in this position because of me, but i really don't think it's an option for him to go. I'm also bloody pissed that this guy booked it without getting a final confirmation from him and has put us in this position. I also think that if dp is going and just staying at the house and not doing anything else, then whats the point in going?

What do you think?

OP posts:

LadyInDisguise · 04/02/2014 15:06

Question: Why is it that he feels it's OK to ask for some money from his parents for a stag do (even if it's his dbro) but not to help for you to be able to have an op that you need?

I mean it looks like you've asked your parents who aren't as well off to help as if this financial issue was somehow 'your fault' and therefore you are the only one to sort it out, by asking your parents, selling family things etc... but he didn't ask his parents, who could afford it, to help.
I mean that money would help his family (you, him the dcs) and really would be much better spent like this than on a stag do.

Wouldn't be feel guilty to waste that money and then see you sell your stuff, scrapping by etc... ?

LadyInDisguise · 04/02/2014 15:09

As most people do, that's why it does people good to have a weekend to themselves once or twice a year.

How does make it OK for one person in the family to have 2 days of 'fun' when the others have to make do with little, struggle with money for food because their partner is unwell and needs an op????

Is really 2 days of fun really more important than the family wellbeing or the health of the OP?

squoosh · 04/02/2014 15:11

Calm yourself LadyInDisguise I wasn't talking about the OP's situation, but weekends away in general, the thread had diverted a bit.

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2014 15:16

I think it comes down to the DH. If he really wants to go on the trip and his parents will pay, then I guess that's that.

If however he feels railroaded and really doesn't want to go now, he should politely decline.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 15:32

If he really wants to go on the trip and his parents will pay, then I guess that's that.

I think it would be unconscionable for him to take money from his parents and spend it on a (second) stag event for this brother when he is accepting financial support from his wife's retired parents.

If his parents have money to give the family at a time like this, it should not be spent the man of the house going away to a party.

HelloBoys · 04/02/2014 16:08

There's also a lot of ways to do this.

Maybe a room could be shared.

It's not like there are lots of stags with various family members and/or friends who are asking for attendance.

My brother had a stag but it was informal and took into account 2 of them had 3 young kids so less "spare cash". His BIL when doing the stag I think re-organised it (my brother couldn't really stomach a weekend away in Wales mountaineering and all that LOL) but this was generally for finance, who could/couldn't make it etc.

In this case the BM has been a bit inconsiderate but it's not the end of the world and unfair to put blame at his door. It's all very well for couples with children to spout "it's not fair I can't afford it" to childless people but can you really blame the childless, not really!

HelloBoys · 04/02/2014 16:10

oh FGS Join - the parents probably don't mind either way where the money is apportioned. if they really are cats bum mouth about it being for this then fine. but if they're fine then so be it.

I don't recall my parents or anyone else I know being so precious about money being apportioned, kids or no kids.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 16:14

the parents probably don't mind either way where the money is apportioned.

Which parents?

It's not just the parents who might give the money (his own) who might have a problem with this.

If my parents were giving DH and me money to dig us out of a financial hole and he was able to come up with the money for a weekend away doing "activities" and boozing, they would be .

This family is REALLY STUCK financially.

IF more money can be brought into the household, it should under no circumstances be spent on a fucking stag night.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 16:16

And if my brother asked my parents for money when his family was in dire financial straits and was being bailed out by his PIL;

And if he spent that money on taking himself off for a weekend of getting drunk, they would think they had failed as parents.

redshifter · 04/02/2014 16:29

I agree totally with what JoinYourPlayfellows has just said in last couple of posts.

Worried3 · 04/02/2014 16:44

I really don't understand why people think he should go if he can borrow money from is parents.

They as a family cannot afford it, they are being financially supported by the OPs parents. If the OPs partners parents are willing to give them money, that money should be spent on the basics that they are struggling to meet- not on a stag do.

If I were the OPs parents and discovered that while we were digging deep to help DD and her partner out, and that he then went and spent at least £300 on a stag weekend, even his brothers one, I'd be mightily pissed off.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2014 16:48

This is a no-brainer. He tells the brother he thought it was a night out and your family cannot afford it. So he will not attend. Fuck paying £120. He is under no obligation to do so.

Littleen · 04/02/2014 17:02

If his family will give it to him as a present to him (and his brother) then ok - otherwise not ok. It's not on to book stuff like that assuming everyone can afford it and make that date though!

Littleen · 04/02/2014 17:03

Oh and I wouldn't suggest him 'asking' for the money, but if they offer it he needn't decline. From their point of view it could be a present to his brother to have him there!

HelloBoys · 04/02/2014 17:06

It is a PRESENT!

there is a total difference between a present and asking for money towards day to day expenses! The OP has to work out whether she'd be happy asking for day to day expenses I don't think so

This is a once in a life time experience. Either OP's DP sits down with groom and discusses it (even with parents who would be contributing) or not.

I agree what Littleen says to it could be a present from them to his brother so he's there!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 17:11

It's not a present.

He's thinking of asking his parents for a hand out.

If he's asking his parents for money, he needs to spend that money to pay the bills he can't afford and stop scrounging off his not-wealthy PIL.

Calling it a present is just playing semantic games.

Of the kind that are often used to justify men having fun at other people's expense.

When you are borrowing money off a retired couple to pay your bills, you CANNOT afford to spend money on expensive parties.

No matter what.

This is a once in a life time experience.

Do me a fucking favour! It's not even his brother's only stag do.

It's not even a once in a few months experience.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2014 17:16

PMSL at a stag do being referred to as a once in a lifetime experience. It's an overblown, extended piss up.

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 17:18

It is a present - here is 300 quid, thanks that will buy 2 months of food

Or we have paid your stag expenses and here is 200 quid in cash for spends - still not a present.

As long as the men folk can have a few drinks and put the world to right while the OP gets to Asda at 9.55 for the last minute reductions eh!

lilyaldrin · 04/02/2014 17:19

If I got a present of several hundred pounds, while at the same time my DP was having to sell family heirlooms to make ends meet, I wouldn't be spending it on a weekend away just for me.

HelloBoys · 04/02/2014 17:20

hand out - present all the same to me!

I had not realised it was the only stag do.

I suppose I was brought with the premise (not that I do it) that my mother occasionally if she was short (single mother) would borrow money off her wealthy mother but always pay her back either next month or month after etc.

I do not do this.

Like I said before it is not like OP's DH would be making a habit of it as if he were (like my brother used to do but doesn't do now) then that would be a problem.

HelloBoys · 04/02/2014 17:20

expat - I meant the wedding. it's all part of the experience.

lilyaldrin · 04/02/2014 17:25

Did your mother borrow money to party while she couldn't pay the bills though?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 04/02/2014 17:27

hand out - present all the same to me!

A present isn't something you ASK for.

If he's ASKING his parents for money, there's an awful lot of other things that he needs to pay for.

His wife is about to sell a fucking family heirloom because they are so skint.

But his family memories (of being pissed for the second time that month) trump her family's memories.

Nice.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2014 17:35

This isn't the wedding. It's an expensive, overblown bender. How fucking stupid to blow £500 on a piss up who you are being bailed out by someone else.

RenterNomad · 04/02/2014 17:40

If your P wants to ask his parents for anything, could it be for them to buy your heirloom, and mske a present of it to him? He could then give it to you for Valentine's Day ... even though you might have to sell it a second time, later

Flip

1 2 3 4 5