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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DP can't really go on his brother's stag?

108 replies

Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 09:50

Bit long, sorry, but i really need some advice.

DP's brother is getting married this year and the stag is coming up in a few months.

I've just come off maternity leave, but am unable to fully return to work because i'm having a fairly major op in April and the nature of my job (childcarer) means that i'm not able to sign people up for that short amount of time if i'm then going to be off for 8 weeks (i'm doing babysitting, holiday and emergency childminding at the mo).

We are pretty broke at the moment as a result, but as my parents insisted that i go for my operation instead of going back to work, they offered to give us any extra money we needed to get by for the next few months. This is UNBELIEVABLY generous of them as they are both retired, and although they are not badly off, it would mean digging into their savings a bit if something big came up.

I'm also having to sell a precious family heirloom at auction as well, to raise some extra funds.

So, back to the stag.

So a few weeks ago the best man emailed round saying 'we're going to be doing something such and such weekend, is everyone in?' kind of thing. DP said yes. He had a bit of birthday money and assumed that would cover it.
About a week later, best man emailed back saying, 'we're going for two nights away, doing 2 activities and are going out on the saturday for curry and clubbing. It's going to cost £230 just for the accommodation and activities.'

We were totally gobsmacked. We had no idea it would cost that much!! We thought it would be a night out in london or brighton, so £50 max for him. It doesn't include:
-travel
-food and drink for the friday and sunday
-food, drink and club entry for the saturday

  • the £40 we've already paid for dp to do a different stag activity on a different weekend

After deliberating for about a week, it was decided that there was no way we could afford it. He was just about to email the guy to tell him no, when he received an email saying it was all booked and could everyone pay up. DP hadn't replied at that point, so this guy had booked without getting the final all clear from everyone.

So to cut a long story short, a private email was sent saying no, and the guy has come back saying 'could you just stay at the accommodation and thats it, it'll cost £120.'

DP is now wondering wether he should ask his parents for the money as they are well off and he knows they'd say yes. I don't think this is a good idea and tbh, a bit unfair on me and our kids, as well as my parents who are scrimping and saving. We're also having to travel to the other end of the country for the wedding anyway AND we still haven't sorted a gift AND he's already doing another stag activity.

I know it's his brother's stag and i do feel awful that he's in this position because of me, but i really don't think it's an option for him to go. I'm also bloody pissed that this guy booked it without getting a final confirmation from him and has put us in this position. I also think that if dp is going and just staying at the house and not doing anything else, then whats the point in going?

What do you think?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 12:49

Wait you, said there's another stag event on another weekend? so in fact your BIL is having 2 stag events (one weekend and one thing that's happening separately), so it's not like your DH would be not doing anything with his brother, just one of the two events (and the cheaper one, by the sounds of it).

You could also suggest that the traditional stag night - the night before the wedding - your DH, FIL and the best man take BIL out for a civilised dinner, not a proper stag do so he's not hung over the next day, but a 'men together' dinner. (I'm sure the bride will be doing things with her bridesmaids and mum).

You can't afford it, and if I was your parents, who'd had to dip into my savings to help you out paying the bills, just to see your DH going on a lads weekend away (even if it later transpired your PILs paid), I'd think very low of your DH. I'd think my son-in-law was selfish and even if I never said anything to your face, I'd be thinking we might need a fund just in case he dropped you in it. I'd wonder if your current financial mess wasn't caused by you not working, but by his spending. This might not be the case, but it's how it looks to people (your parents) who are being incredibly generous to you.

If your DH has to ask his PIL to pay the bills, then he can't ask his parents to pay for jollies. He's married with DCs, being a grown up sometimes is shit, this is one of those occasions.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 12:52

Why assume he was invited out of duty? For God's sake, maybe he can't afford to go, fair enough, but that doesn't automatically mean that those who are attending are a pack of idiots.

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 12:52

Take the money for the stag and give it to your parents

I bet his parents dont even know your parents are keeping you guys afoloat

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 12:54

because its not his friends, he appears to have nothing in common with them, the OP stated they are childless

They love ale, whisky, drinking games and going out.

Sounds like the behaviour of idiotic lads!

squoosh · 04/02/2014 12:55

God forbid anyone likes going out! Oh such idiots.

Hmm
pluCaChange · 04/02/2014 12:56

The organiser made a mistake which was easily avoidable, so can't whine that he can't afford to swallow the costs: that was exactly what he wasn't prepared to tolerate from someone else!

nilbyname · 04/02/2014 12:59

He can't go, and he should be able to come to the decision by himself.

Email stag organiser, and say, I never confirmed I was coming, and in fact I am not attending.

Call brother and explain. Brother will not mind.

All done.

Your DH and his brother should go to the local for a few beers closer to the wedding date. What a joke, these extravagant stags, all well and good if your flush, but should never be an expectation that all can attend. Its very vulgar, the assumption that is.

vivipru thread hijack! did the copycat hen weekend thread ever get resolved, it fell off my active convos, so missed it!

Sorry op!

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 12:59

It's also not fair to assume the best man didn't clear the amount with the groom, I know most ask roughly what the groom would like to do and rough budgets. To be fair, £200 - £300 isn't bad for a weekend away, but your BIL should have said that not all the family could afford a weekend away.

Mind you, if this had been booked say 1-2 years ago, or a year in the future, would this be a reasonable amount for you to find? I know I'm at the point when I've just had my last mat leave pay, anything like this coming up in the next 6-12 months would be refused, but from mid 2015 onwards, we should be back on an even keel financially, and this wouldn't be a big deal.

TBH - if your PIL are wealthy and likely to give you a handout, I'd be more tempted to ask them to do that now, rather than sell your heirloom. (Or would your DH only be prepared to ask your parents for help?)

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 12:59

Oh going out is fine, but drinking games, I suspect the DP is the BIL older brother, by best part of a decade

there is atime for that behaviour and its nto when your wife has to sell her family heirlooms to buy nappies

Mia4 · 04/02/2014 13:02

Yanbu. Dp has friends who see money as no barrier and don't bother with confirmations and it's shit. I would say to ask his parents for a loan if they are able. If they can lend both stag and what your heirloom would cost then great. If not I'd decide what is more important.

DontmindifIdo · 04/02/2014 13:02

oh and even if the money wasn't an issue, you've got a small baby and are in need of a major operation in a few weeks time, is it fair your DH goes away for a weekend and leaves you to cope alone??!?! (I would use that as an excuse if you DH isn't comfortable discussing his finances with his DB and his DB's best man, which is perfectly reasonable, we aren't in the best position financially right now because of having DC2 and mat pay running out, I don't feel the need to tell people).

Original poster
Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 13:07

If it had been a year ago, when i was working full time and not on mat leave it would have been a struggle, but we probably would have found a way as it was his brother. To put it in perspective a bit, our last family holiday (a big treat because it wasn't camping like we usually do) cost us £160 in a similar location in a house for 8 nights. Fuel probably cost £90 and we ate in, except for 1 night when we had chips and mushy peas from Rick Stein's. So it is A LOT for us.

BIL doesn't know what he's doing for the stag, it's a surprise. I have no idea wether he was asked about budget, but he knows we're not particularly well off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 13:09

glasgowsteven unfortunately, you're wrong, DP's two years younger!

I'm pretty sure BIL thinks we're a bunch of boring old farts as we spend our weekends walking and at National Trust properties instead of partying!

OP posts:
Mia4 · 04/02/2014 13:10

I do think it's fine for his bil to spend what he wants on his stag so long as he is fine when people like his brother can't make. Best man cocked up.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 04/02/2014 13:12

Good God one of those times when Mumsnet is like a parallel universe.

Amongst my - large and diverse - bunch of friends it's perfectly acceptable to want to have a weekend on the piss whether it's 'lads together', women or both or whatever.

Why all the Hmm at people wanting to let off steam for a weekend? God how uptight some of you are.

HOWEVER obviously he can't go because you just can't afford it - surely any reasonable brother would understand?

It's awkward as it's his bro but he needs to say 'Really sorry mate, what with Cook being on mat leave and having her op, I really can't afford this one. Looking forward to the other night out and let's have some beers together just you and me nearer the time. Hope you understand that it's purely a financial thing and hope you have a brilliant time'.

Bro might be absolutely fine and you are worrying about nowt.

Mia4 · 04/02/2014 13:14

Op your dp should speak to his brother op, his brother may well have not thought of money as an issue but equally best man could have been assuming. What does your dp think?

Original poster
Cookethenook · 04/02/2014 13:15

ewan DP loves going out for a drink and a party, what i meant was that BIL and his friends REALLY go for it!

OP posts:
IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 04/02/2014 13:18

I wasn't actually referring to you and your comments Cook - but even so I think how hard they go at it is irrelevant. It's just the cost - whether they cane £200 on booze or on go karting/golf/kayaking/prayer meetings is not the point. He can't afford it whatever it is.

glasgowsteven · 04/02/2014 13:19

Amongst my - large and diverse - bunch of friends it's perfectly acceptable to want to have a weekend on the piss whether it's 'lads together', women or both or whatever

Among mine this was the case too, then we had kids and grew up

kitsmummy · 04/02/2014 13:20

I think the problem is that your DP said yes, the cost was then emailed out to everyone and your DP then sat on it for a week rather than going back straight away, saying that it might be a problem for you. I can understand that having got people's agreement and having sent out the costs, the best man might assume after a week that that was ok with everyone. Under these circumstances I think your DP might be morally obliged to pay the accommodation costs...

HelloBoys · 04/02/2014 13:22

I'd let DH go on the stag and ask his parents for the money.

Very off of Best Man not to sort and think of someone else but as you say all of them and young, single and no kids and limitless pockets (lots of money).

It'd be a bit of a bummer if the groom and bride divorce a few years down the line but hey ho.

Sexnight · 04/02/2014 13:23

I think he should chat to his brother about it. He doesn't have to let him know how much it's costing, if the groom shouldn't know that, just explain that he can't afford it. His brother will make it clear what should happen then, whether it's your oh not going or brother chipping in. I'm sure they could fit in a night of drinking just the two of them.

I also think it depends on how close they are as brothers. i would never stop my dh being at one of his brother's stag do as they really are the best of friends. If it was my brother, however, it wouldn't spoil the weekend if I wasn't there, iyswim.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor · 04/02/2014 13:24

Glasgow - I have a pretty grown up life with a FT job, two children, house, etc like most of us on here. Having a weekend away every now and then is something to look forward to. And the more fun, silliness and booze involved the better. I don't really feel the need to draw a line under anything I used to do before I had children. Everything in moderation. Wine

squoosh · 04/02/2014 13:25

I know lots of people with kids who still enjoy a weekend away from family duties from time to time. Money and other circumstances permitting of course.

And absolutely nothing wrong with that.

squoosh · 04/02/2014 13:25

'I don't really feel the need to draw a line under anything I used to do before I had children.'

What an utterly depressing thought.