To have removed DD's things from her room?

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I will try not to drip feed but this may be long.

DD1 is 9. She is extremely bright, funny, helpful and polite. She is very mature for 9 too. But omg she is too laid back and has no respect for anything.

Every day her room is covered in her stuff. Nail varnish or lip balm on the wall, pen all over her bedding, 1 million bits of paper strewn across the carpet. Now I don't mind a bit of mess (she is only 9) but her carelessness is being taken to the extreme.

Every single thing she got for christmas is either broken or lost (I spent over £300) as she cannot look after it. I found her ds behind the chest of drawers, her hudl thrown on the floor not in it's case, her most treasured horse stable broken and drawn on.

I found 100 pens, hair bands, food wrappers, paper etc all stuffed down the side of her mattress. I found two plates I didn't even know she took up there.

I have tried everything. Rewarding her with pocket money, punishing her, heart to heart chats with her. She just will not listen, she does not care. I can see her blocking what I'm saying out! It is driving me mental.

Her dad have her £5 pocket money last weekend as she had been doing really well at school. I asked her to keep it in her purse or put it in her money box. Can she find it anywhere? Can she hell!

I bought her a beautiful horse jumper that she really wanted big I said it Was on the proviso that she looks after her clothes by putting the dirty ones in the basket in her room so I can wash them. She couldn't do it. I found numerous items in her bed, in the toy box, in her brothers room! So I've returned the jumper.

I said a few weeks ago if she couldn't look after her stuff I would remove all of her toys til she could. Cue last night, going in there and there were broken christmas presents on the floor. Obviously I had to follow through with what I said.

I went to bed feeling awful but I honestly do not know how to get her to listen to me

I sort of hate medical labels being ascribed for fairly normal things like it is some sort of illness or disorder.

I still think she has too many things she is not old enough to have.

What would you say is too many things? A hudl and some nail varnish? Which by the way I have thrown away so she doesn't even have. Believe me if you came to my house you would think she has a perfectly normal amount of things for a 9 year old. All of her friends have tablets, I know this because she talks to them on it.

And I bet dyspraxic people sort of hate comments like that. You do not know my daughter, I do. If I think it relates to her then so be it. Really can't stand that kind of ignorance.

Nataleejah, you have no idea what you're talking about. Shelves are a disaster for the naturally untidy, drawers and storage bins are a godsend enabling organisation without the need for external tidiness in a way that's easier to deal with.

Also, I'd suggest you do some reading about dyspraxia which is a processing disorder before making massively ill-informed comments. Understanding the cause of a behaviour is key to dealing with it - whether it's a medical/physical cause or something emotional underlying the behaviour. My goddaughter's life has been transformed since her dyspraxia diagnosis. Her schoolwork is better, her attention is better, her emotions are better regulated thanks to some really good strategies for helping her processing.

OP - I actually should have thought of dyspraxia here and I think it's well worth investigating. I had not ever made the link to my own childhood gross motor issues (I had OT for them as a kid) but now I'm wondering if there was a link, though there is a lot of that picture that does not actually apply to me.

My daughter has 1 tablet. A box of books. A small box of arts and craft stuff that is shared with her siblings. A horse stable and horses. A teddy she has had since she was a baby and two my little pony dolls. That is the entire contents taken out of her room. I hardly think that is too much . I don't even know where that has come from? She is nearly 10, she's not a baby.

I'm not comparing her to her friends, I was just saying it seems to be the norm? I know plenty of kids with tablets. Oh she does also have a laptop but the school provides these and although she can bring it home she chooses to leave it there.

Wow. There is some pretty mean spirited posters and replies here. I really hope you find a solution that works. It must be really hard to live with. If it is dyspraxia or related I hope you find support for you both in finding coping strategies. Only on mumsnet could it be your fault for buying gifts. Seriously?!?

Goats I am really pleased that you are looking into dyspraxia because I know that a proper diagnosis can be a lifesaver just in terms of understanding how they work and how they can be supported to function better! The spilling cups thing, clumsy gait - social stuff - my DD is introverted but the dad at the party I mentioned in my earlier post said his teen daughter became the class clown and acted up/was always in trouble for missed lessons, lost files, incomplete or messy work - after being expelled from two schools and receiving a late diagnosis she made it to Imperial College to study! All I know is that some health professional are better than others at understanding it - our first GP told me that 'it was a label for middle class children who were a little bit different.' Like WTF?

Thankyou CuddlyDragon. I thought buying things for your children was a nice thing, I didn't realise she has to go without because I'm apparently soothing myself. Does that go for my other dc's too who aren't like dd1?

I have spoken to dh this lunchtime, told him about the dyspraxic stuff and he couldn't believe it either. But I am going to talk to her teacher and if she thinks I'm barking up the wrong tree then I will leave it.

BCBG all of her work books at school have comments like - unfinished work, see me. Or very messy, I know you can do better.

Her teacher tells me she has so much potential, she is exceptionally bright. She just tends to daydream a lot.

She constantly forgets things but I put that down to being a child. Whether it's her packed lunch, brownies box, p.e kit it's always something. She loses everything, I refuse to buy her things because I know she will lose them. But sometimes I think no fuck it she has done really well today at school if she wants a magazine I will buy her one. I don't buy things for the sake of it, she does earn it.

and thanks JassyRadlett - it is amazing how dismissive people who don't live with a dyspraxic can be - my DD is likely to be 6' tall - she is already 5"7" at eleven - and she wanders around like a giraffe on roller-skates , she has hyper mobility in her biggest joints, can't jump a string placed on the ground with her feet together (bunny hop), falls out of bed because she wriggles in her sleep, couldn't ride a bike until last year (and that ONLY because she has OT at school three times a week which we are lucky enough to be able to pay for), has the ball skills of a five year old, can't cope with loud noises, or more than one instruction at a time, or more than one person speaking at a time, can't 'screen out' noise so in classrooms her statement says she has to sit in front of the teacher and away from doors and windows. She doesn't pronounce all her sounds properly because of the muscle control required to use tongue and teeth correctly, she can't be tipped back in a dentists chair but has to climb on when it is already flat, trips going up escalators, can't use down escalators as too dangerous when other adults push past her, can't hold hands because she takes her glance from that person and trips…I could go on and on, but I won't. Its not life threatening, but it makes her physical, academic and emotional life difficult, and she needs support to cope with it. And the OP's daughter may well be very good at art because dyspraxia can affect fine motor control not gross motor control or vice versa; its just a question of the processing problem. My DD was on antibiotics by drip as soon as she was born and I still wonder if that had anything to do with it.

sounds like looking into dyspraxia could be a way forward.

I don't know if your DD has too many things in general, but perhaps she has too many things for her to cope with? I can see how people thing she does have too much stuff, a lot of your posts have "I bought DD" in there somewhere.

I understand that with your own background you want to buy your children what they want, just be sure not to replace you with stuff. And buying children everything they want isn't a great idea anyway - there's nothing to aim for if it all turns up on a plate. There's a middle ground to be had.

Daydreaming can be the 'screening out' problem I mentioned - if you can afford it I would pay for her to be assessed by the most reputable Ed Psych. you can find in your area. DD now uses a laptop as it is easier for her to be tidy, and teachers mark her work on content, not presentation, which has helped her self confidence grow.

Yeah perhaps too many things for her to cope with might be a good point. She would be happy with a book, a pen and some paper and that's it. That's why removing her stuff hasn't had much of an impact tbh. She hasn't been upset about it at all.

If it is dyspraxia then I would say it's only mild. Her friends do make fun of her and say she can't run properly. And it is apparent she is quite different from them, I never thought of a reason why before. She is not as socially aware as some of her peers, she is very introverted too.

Her school work is never tidy. To her as long as what wants to say is written down then she doesn't care how it looks. She said 75% of the class have a pen licence, she doesn't have hers yet is one of the more able children in the class. She does try bless her.

If I didn't tell her to get dressed, brush teeth, hair etc then I suspect all day she would just stay in her pyjamas and wouldn't even be the slightest bit bothered.

My 12 year old lost his iPod when he let a friend look at it and he put it on the ground when he had had enough . Lucky for my son a very honest and lovely person handed it in to school so he got it back.

His phone looks tatty.

He lost his coat for months.

Numerous toys broken.

Yet, if we buy him an iPhone he will look after it .

My 10 year old DD's room is much the same as the OP's DD. Messy, clothes not put in the washing basket/away in drawers. Paper everywhere. Beakers left on the book case and it took me 2 hours last week to clean it. I told her to keep it tidy as it looked nice now. She told me it looked nice before!!

Op, there's some good information here:

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Dyspraxia-(childhood)/Pages/Diagnosis.aspx

There's so much can be done once there is a formal diagnosis, lots of techniques that will help, and really the earlier it's identified the better.

First step is to go your gp, I'd recommend you take a list of specific symptoms/concerns you have (and be very specific - just going in with a "my 9 year old is messy" will not get you very far!). Push for a formal diagnosis ASAP. Depending on wait times and your finances it may be worth going private.

Best of luck with it.

Well her teacher said she wouldn't have automatically thought that but is going to write a list of everything she can see that may relate to dyspraxia, I'm to do the same and I'm going to meet with her next week. I think she thought I was just being an overprotective silly mum though

I would persevere though - my DD's Yr 3 teacher told us categorically that DD was absolutely fine and would just 'get it' in due course - that was about three months before we got so pissed off we took her for OT/Physiotherapy assessment and Ed. Psych assessments privately. It SHOULDN'T have to be like that - DD was assessed as severely dyslexic and dyspraxic, needing regular OT (which she is just coming to the end of, afar THREE years), the DILP programme for learning, and a laptop because her writing speed was so far behind her ability. Not intending to offend any of the wonderful teachers there are on MN, but that particular teacher had decided (I think) that because DD was in the middle of the class academically she was OK. DD is now at the top of her year despite her difficulties with learning, so it can be done. Her current teachers are wonderful and very clued up.

She said to me children with dyspraxia are not aware of their own space? And that dd is? She was quite busy though so didn't have much time to talk.

Dd is bright and is at the top of the class which is why nobody worries about her. She has been seeing the learning mentor this term because her teacher was worried about her. I'm not sure why because she is perfectly happy. She agreed that dd is unorganised, messy and daydreams too much!

She did kind of look at me as if I was barking mad but maybe she had only ever seen severe cases of dyspraxia? I think dd would be mild as not all of the symptoms relate to her.

Not sure what she is getting at, tbh - certainly DD never had issues with her space or others - but she did and does have some issues with touch - the feel or smell of stuff can be a problem and she will kick up over the oddest things. But in any case, dyspraxics are legendary at learning to cope - which after all is basically what they have to do - and if your daughter is bright then that is what she is doing. The fact that they have a bright and academic child who needs to see the learning mentor would ring alarm bells for me, frankly. The problem becomes more visible with time, as her peers grow out of messy behaviours, poor timekeeping, emotional outbursts or clumsiness, and the dyspraxic child doesn't. That's when they start to feel that everything is somehow their fault, that they are 'lazy' or 'untidy' or 'fidgety', or 'oversensitive'… with the greatest respect, I would make sure that you get the input of others as well.

I'm not sure what the teacher means by being "aware of space"? She may just be referring to gross motor clumsiness, which is one of the symptoms of dyspraxia but not all dyspraxics suffer from this, there's a real range of problems.

No disrespect to teachers, but they can't be experts in every condition, get her list, but then go to the gp!

the first couple of paragraphs of this might be enough to catch your attention.
www.addcenters.com/articles/disorganized%20child.htm

When I read your OP I thought about dyspraxia as well, as what you said describes my dd to a tee - she is diagnosed dyspraxic. There are definitely different levels, and the more mild end is much less obvious to teachers etc - I had to push for help, and eventually my dd was shown to be more than mildly dyspraxic, so it can be a long road to get any kind of intervention and then diagnosis.

dd is now 13, and her room is as much a disaster area as ever, I'm afraid. We do go through it together every now and then and I help her come up with solutions for keeping things safe and remembering school books etc - high school is a very stressful time for people with dyspraxia with all the different things they need to remember each day! I go through phases of trying to keep on top of it all, and phases of not bothering and simply closing her door She has ruined/broken a lot of things, but is slowly getting better I think. At present her phone is nowhere to be found for around the 5th time since she got a phone at 11. sigh...

I do hope the teacher is helpful. I found this book really good for understanding dyspraxia and how it affects the child - it was written by a dyspraxic teenager, and has lots of solutions for organising themselves etc.

All the best!

Sorry, forgot to include link

here