To have removed DD's things from her room?

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I will try not to drip feed but this may be long.

DD1 is 9. She is extremely bright, funny, helpful and polite. She is very mature for 9 too. But omg she is too laid back and has no respect for anything.

Every day her room is covered in her stuff. Nail varnish or lip balm on the wall, pen all over her bedding, 1 million bits of paper strewn across the carpet. Now I don't mind a bit of mess (she is only 9) but her carelessness is being taken to the extreme.

Every single thing she got for christmas is either broken or lost (I spent over £300) as she cannot look after it. I found her ds behind the chest of drawers, her hudl thrown on the floor not in it's case, her most treasured horse stable broken and drawn on.

I found 100 pens, hair bands, food wrappers, paper etc all stuffed down the side of her mattress. I found two plates I didn't even know she took up there.

I have tried everything. Rewarding her with pocket money, punishing her, heart to heart chats with her. She just will not listen, she does not care. I can see her blocking what I'm saying out! It is driving me mental.

Her dad have her £5 pocket money last weekend as she had been doing really well at school. I asked her to keep it in her purse or put it in her money box. Can she find it anywhere? Can she hell!

I bought her a beautiful horse jumper that she really wanted big I said it Was on the proviso that she looks after her clothes by putting the dirty ones in the basket in her room so I can wash them. She couldn't do it. I found numerous items in her bed, in the toy box, in her brothers room! So I've returned the jumper.

I said a few weeks ago if she couldn't look after her stuff I would remove all of her toys til she could. Cue last night, going in there and there were broken christmas presents on the floor. Obviously I had to follow through with what I said.

I went to bed feeling awful but I honestly do not know how to get her to listen to me

[Nanny0gg]

I was a mean mum.

My children never had pens or felt tips in their room for this very reason. Even if it's not deliberate, the odds of getting pen marks everywhere is high.

So they had a cupboard in the kitchen for all 'creative' stuff and it was done in the dining room at the table where I could see. I never had pen marks up the wall. And the table was wipeable.

The linen basket was on the landing (we only had one). Clothes went in it at bedtime. And I checked.

Has she got somewhere to put everything? Even when one of my DC was a teenager I used to be asked to 'advise' how to tidy their room. They just didn't know where to start. So I used to sit on the bed and direct. It was actually quite a good thing to do as we could chat at the same time.

Why does she have 'technology' if she's not interested? Put that away till she is.

Once she has her other stuff back, I wouldn't leave her to her own devices. It has taken time to trash her room like that, surely? Don't leave her up there on her own.

[HuntingforBunting]

Look into dyspraxia . Good luck

[Beamur]

I'd pick your battles and have to agree that if she is 'naturally' untidy, you're probably onto a loser to expect her to comply.
Like NannyOgg - I'd simply remove items that make too much mess, like pens, and keep them somewhere communal.
Have a laundry bin somewhere easy, for my chronically messy DSC's I put one in each of their bedrooms and asked them to put washing in there. If toys got broken, I threw them away, they were not replaced simply because they had not been cared for. My DSD was the worst for this! But we didn't argue or fight over it and every now and again, I would ask them to clean and tidy their rooms - and they did. Then they got messy again. So I kept the doors closed! Out of sight...
On the plus side - they are now young adults, DSS probably lives in a swamp like pit at Uni, but is fine at home and my DSD is actually reasonably tidy, although does tend to accumulate plates and cups in her room, but that's fairly much goes with the territory of teens!

[RhondaJean]

Goats I think I have the same 9 yo as you on time share!

I've posts about her before - we are slowly getting somewhere but heavens it's hard hard work.

Just wanted to commiserate.

[MyBaby1day]

YANBU, you did the right thing, she needs to learn not to be so destructive. Some children get nothing and it's not right. Don't buy her anything else (toywise I mean but the odd thing to wear too) unless she can look after the things she already has.

[have4goneinsane]

sounds like you have my 7yr old, we totally redecorated her room just over a year ago, within weeks there was crayon drawing on the walls, scribbles on her new duvet cover etc, the trail of ripped up paper and things pulled apart is never ending ... as others have said she exists in her own little world and once her mind shifts to something, all else around her is forgotten, very arty and creative and gifted and talented but the trail of destruction can be mind-boggling

DS2 (9) is the same, but even more intentional in the destruction, drives me batty

we have tried virtually emptying both their rooms but with little effect - even with minimal possessions (and I really do mean a few books and some stuffed toys both children can create chaos in minutes)

I have made some progress with DD - she now has labelled boxes for everything (My Little POnies, Barbies, Squinkies, Littlest Pets, Magnets, Dolls ...), arranged on an Ikea Expedit unit (including a 'junk' box for random bits and pieces), everything has a place. I make her tidy up every single day (multiple times a day during the holidays sometimes!) and check each evening that dirty clothes have gone in the basket, this means that it rarely gets to the state where she is incapacitated and if it gets too bad I will give her one task at a time (she's autistic and can't cope with lists of instructions) to focus her, if it is really bad I will get in there with here.

DS2, on the other hand, is an ongoing losing battle, the only solution seems to be to sit on his bed once every couple of weeks and supervise the clearing!

[nennypops]

I strongly agree with BCBG, you really need to look into whether she could be dyspraxic - what you say about her problems with writing and time coupled with problems with organisation all strongly suggests this. None of that means that she doesn't need to learn to be tidy, but it does mean that you need to use the right techniques and strategies which would help her to get round her dyspraxia, and would also help her in school.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Compared to her friends and some of my family members she is far from spoilt!

Not that it's any of your business NoScar but I grew up with parents on benefits who had bailiffs chasing them at every opportunity. I was one of those kids who had nothing and it was awful. My dh and I work hard and if I want my children to have things then they will. I don't see a problem with that. She has the hudl because with double up vouchers and discount it cost me £40 is that okay? And yes I have taken it away from her. The ds was second hand from a family member not that it even matters.

I was at work last night and before I left I said if she could put her dirty clothes in her laundry basket (in her room) and fold her uniform then she would get something back. Dh text me and said she her clothes in her bed and had sneaked pens and paper under her pillow so she got nothing back. Her room is totally empty. I honestly feel like she is taking the piss out of me.

I am going to look into dyspraxia, it's not something I have come across before but will google.

She's not a horrible destructive child although it may sound like it. She is very quiet and well behaved but she is just so careless.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I really did not know it was a crime to buy your children things. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

And by that theory then my other dc's would be the same yeah? They are not. It is her personality. I'm not saying it is 100% her at all hence why I asked for advice.

[specialsubject]

untidy can be lived with. Destructive is nasty behaviour once past baby stage.

destructive behaviour needs punishment and education. Stop buying her anything except food and essential clothes. stop outings. Make it clear what she needs to do.

[Thetallesttower]

I wouldn't be so worried about general messiness, most kids are like this. I would be worried about the disobedience of taking pens and paper under her pillow- that would come under the 'lying/dishonest' behaviour to me. If I confiscate something, I don't expect them to take it back or hide it!

I wouldn't keep everything removed, it's too much, I would redecorate, buy lots of boxes, get her to sort out everything and start afresh. I would reiterate the ban on pens and paper in her room til you have gone a month with no drawing/marks anywhere. The penalty for ignoring this is obvious- taking away pen and paper for the next day.

But if you stick in an empty room, I don't think she will behave normally nor will she get a chance to redeem herself. I think you are now locked in a power struggle and I would look for a sideways step to get out of it rather than continue it.

I don't think your dd has an excessive amount of things compared to many children, mine included (they have a £50 tablet and an old playstation plus tonnes of stuff), but I think you need to 'reset' here and start with a nice room for her, with lots of help/encouragement and teaching her how to maintain a basic standard.

[FauxFox]

DD is 8 and very similar to your DD. I have decided I don't want to go through the drama of fighting over broken stuff/mess etc as it is a complete waste of energy. Instead I have told her that she can keep her room tidy please, and if it becomes a total state I will tidy it BUT I am allowed to chuck out or charity shop anything I like.

This means that once a month or so I go in there with a bin bag and chuck out all broken things (even if they were ££ they are still junk if broken)/magazines/art 'bits'/un lid-on nail polish/lip balm etc and if there are toys that are a particular pain to tidy up or not played with I charity shop them. I also charity shop a couple of less preferred soft toys each time so they don't overwhelm us She has agreed to this and the loss of all the junk is the 'price' of me cleaning up her mess.

Also I don't replace things she has broken - yesterday she cut a hole in her school trousers. Now she will have to wear her skirt instead (and the dreaded tights) it's tough. I'm not replacing the trousers and she will eventually learn to think about what she's doing. I am not cross - they are her trousers, she is the one inconvenienced by breaking them.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Tower that was the other route we were going to take. I bought her lots of pretty boxes to put her things in. She has a high sleeper bed with cupboards and a desk underneath so she has plenty of storage space. She promised me if I bought her a bin then she would put all of her rubbish in there so I did thinking it would help.

I need to re think it all. I'm going to talk to her teacher after school to see if she has improved there. I know she was lacking concentration and her work was not of her usual standard.

The dyspraxia thing is interesting. Some of it applies to her. Messy handwriting, she can only run like a horse/gallop, not good at sport, she is very very clumsy (if there is a cup it is guaranteed she will knock it over), she does struggle with friendships as she can come across as bossy or too serious. She cannot organise herself at all. It's like she had no sense of urgency about her, she's very happy go lucky.

But she is a very gifted artist, she could use scissors at an early age and she was an early talker too.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

FauxFox that is what I have been doing for the past year or so. Going in once a month for a clear out and throwing away anything that was broken etc. Made no difference at all, if anything she has got worse!

[Nataleejah]

I think she has way too many things than she needs, and things she is not mature enough to have. Not to sound old-fashioned, but i wasn't allowed nail vanish till my teens, let alone technology.

As for organization -- too much storage units (cupboards, drawers, boxes) are bound to get messy. Open storage, like shelves, are much easier to keep tidy.

[merrymouse]

I think the answer is to restrict the amount of things she has to the amount of things she has demonstrated she is able to care for. (Which really applies to everyone).

I bet she doesn't realise she has half the things you have taken out of her room.

[Vatta]

Op, I'm dyspraxic, and you could be describing me at that age! Please do speak to the school and Gp about getting a formal assessment for her, these kind of problems will get much worse at the transition to secondary school if she doesn't get proper support.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Natalee I would never buy her nail varnish and I never have. Unfortunately people bought it for her at christmas. And christmas is half the bloody problem! So much stuff, I can't blame her for not knowing what to do with it.

Shelves you say? Right, I'm on the case.

[Vatta]

(And please ignore everybody talking crap about how much stuff she has, plenty of children can have that amount of stuff without being messy, and it does sound like your dd has a specific learning difference which is the real issue here)

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Vatta that is interesting. How would they go about assessing her? What does it involve?

I just remembered, she cannot use a knife and for correctly either. Been shown plenty of times, she just can't do it.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Well all I can say is wow.

I have looked a bit more into dyspraxia and it is her. Down to a tee. I am gob smacked.

Last week I had to buy her a cup with a kid because she spills normal ones everyday. That says it all really.

I am talking to her teacher after school today.