To have removed DD's things from her room?

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I will try not to drip feed but this may be long.

DD1 is 9. She is extremely bright, funny, helpful and polite. She is very mature for 9 too. But omg she is too laid back and has no respect for anything.

Every day her room is covered in her stuff. Nail varnish or lip balm on the wall, pen all over her bedding, 1 million bits of paper strewn across the carpet. Now I don't mind a bit of mess (she is only 9) but her carelessness is being taken to the extreme.

Every single thing she got for christmas is either broken or lost (I spent over £300) as she cannot look after it. I found her ds behind the chest of drawers, her hudl thrown on the floor not in it's case, her most treasured horse stable broken and drawn on.

I found 100 pens, hair bands, food wrappers, paper etc all stuffed down the side of her mattress. I found two plates I didn't even know she took up there.

I have tried everything. Rewarding her with pocket money, punishing her, heart to heart chats with her. She just will not listen, she does not care. I can see her blocking what I'm saying out! It is driving me mental.

Her dad have her £5 pocket money last weekend as she had been doing really well at school. I asked her to keep it in her purse or put it in her money box. Can she find it anywhere? Can she hell!

I bought her a beautiful horse jumper that she really wanted big I said it Was on the proviso that she looks after her clothes by putting the dirty ones in the basket in her room so I can wash them. She couldn't do it. I found numerous items in her bed, in the toy box, in her brothers room! So I've returned the jumper.

I said a few weeks ago if she couldn't look after her stuff I would remove all of her toys til she could. Cue last night, going in there and there were broken christmas presents on the floor. Obviously I had to follow through with what I said.

I went to bed feeling awful but I honestly do not know how to get her to listen to me

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Thankyou everyone, all of this is much appreciated.

RabbitLady, that was a very interesting link. I will use that again.

I won't let the teacher try and fob me off. She did say she would speak with the SENCO so I'm hoping she will take me seriously.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

I feel like a failure of a mother today

I lost it with dd this morning. She has nothing in her room at all yet managed to sneak in my satsuma body butter, a plastic Tupperware box and a make up brush which she then used to "paint" the inside of the box and her bed . I explained carefully to her what she had to do to get her things back. This was all carefully hidden under the mattress.

And this morning i made her porridge. She asked for sugar I said no, she had banana and blueberries in it. I went upstairs to sort out dd2 and whilst I was gone she went in the cupboard and took the sugar it was everywhere. All over the work tops, in the sink, all over her uniform. She put it back in the cupboard so I wouldn't know though.

I don't know what else I can do. She's not going to brownies tonight and we had planned a trip to the eden project this weekend but I've said no. She cannot keep disobeying me like this

[Thetallesttower]

I don't think this having nothing in her room is working- she is deliberately sabotaging your things. The thing with the body butter would have me going crazy.

There's something else going on here- it's not ok to paint your room with nail varnish, creams etc- this is what a toddler would do.

Is she protesting?

What's going on at school, I would be up there to find out? (even if to rule it out)

Is she getting to the stage she can't do anything right so may as well be very naughty?

You seem stuck in a power-struggle and I don't think you are going to win, and even if you do, what have you really won? I think more creative thinking is required about this, as it is the lying and the destruction which are more concerning than a messy room.

[Cuddlydragon]

Oh no. Sounds like today was horrible. I don't know anything about dyspraxia so hopefully someone will be along with more knowledge soon but until you can get a handle on the motivation for disobedience you probably need to keep going as you do but push for an assessment. It may be simple disobedience and needs to be attacked in a suitable way with consequences and rewards or if she is just truly incapable of controlling herself or understanding the consequences and upset then you will hopefully get good advice on how you and she can cope or plan to reduce occurrences. It's sounds really tough.

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

She's a very closed book is dd, she doesn't open up very easily. I hate to admit I'm the same and I have tried my best to reassure her that I'm there for her and she can talk to me but she won't.

She is 10 this year, she really shouldn't be doing this. I don't think it's an attention thing, we have plenty of one to one time and if anything she gets more attention than my two toddlers. Everybody who knows her compliments me on how polite and well behaved she is, that she is a credit to me.

She is disobedient in school too. Her teacher says for the class to go on their laptops, mathletics or English work and she's sat there on paint drawing away! Her teacher says she is incapable of listening and she either doesn't understand consequences or doesn't care. I certainly explain them to her and she is never bothered. But because she is so bright and capable they don't know what is wrong with her.

She has a good relationship with me and her stepdad (dh). She is also close with her dad although he can be an arse about regular contact things have got better. She does plenty of activities outside of school and from what I know has a few friends she is close to although they can be quite mean to her sometimes, people keep telling me that's girls for you.

[fs2013]

I think letting it get to those levels in the first place is the real problem. My 10 yr old DD is very messy too. In fact, I expect most are! We have a routine at bedtime. I go up and check her room and make her tidy quickly before bed. I don't mind making the bed in the am and emptying the bin etc but her toys and games as well as her dirty clothes are her responsibility. Every now and then I do a thorough job myself in there but day to day I get pretty strict about her not leaving stuff out at the end of a day. It works for us x

[GoatsHaveStrangeEyes]

Fs we have the same routine, I make sure every night she tidies her stuff away. I don't mind helping her but I refuse to do it all, she is old enough to make sure things are put away in the right place.

My three year old can do it (albeit with reluctance) he hates mess!

[educatingarti]

With regards to dyspraxia- firstly most teachers have very little special needs training and don't really know what they are talking about are unaware of what constitutes dyspraxia ( or dyslexia etc). Often teachers assume that because the child is not classically clumsy (walking into things, poor at bat and ball skills etc) they can't be dyspraxic. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. For example children with dyspraxia can be more able with gross motor skills but struggle with fine motor control. Please keep pushing for assessment!

In our area you can also get assessment via your GP who can refer you to paediatric OTs who will be able to assess for dyspraxia although they are unlikely to provide any interventions unless it is quite severe.

"Her teacher says she is incapable of listening and she either doesn't understand consequences or doesn't care. I certainly explain them to her and she is never bothered. But because she is so bright and capable they don't know what is wrong with her." This hints to me either ADD or another symptom of dyspraxia. There are some significant overlaps in symptoms of AD(H)D, dyslexia and dyspraxia so this is all adding up to a coherent picture to me.

with respect to her lack of organisational skills/listening etc you could try making lists of things she needs to do (eg before school - get dressed in full uniform, eat breakfast, brush teeth etc) and time she needs to have got each of them done by. Then laminate them and get her to tick off each task as she does it. Ditto for getting school bag ready/remembering PE kit etc. If she is dyspraxic, she may genuinely need a constant reminder of what she should be doing.

I am writing all of this as a teacher who is now working as a private tutor. I pick up many students with mild to moderate issues like dyspraxia because these are the students for whom parents are more likely to get a tutor as they sense something is wrong, the child is not doing as well as they might, may be unhappy at school, but school seem unconcerned!

I look back with embarrassment on my time as a class teacher, seeing now that there were students who were showing signs of things like dyslexia, dyspraxia, aspergers etc, and I had no idea!! General teacher training is pretty poor on these things!