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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop paying my share of the mortgage?

26 replies

Fairy1303 · 02/02/2014 14:07

DH and I split in December. We have a mortgaged property together.
He was physically and emotionally abusive.

I can't afford the mortgage alone so I moved out with DS (7 months).
I'm back to work this month and move into my rented place next sat.

He is still living in the house and we haven't yet decided what to do about it.
Ostensibly he is having counseling/anger management etc and we are going to live apart for 6 months at least and then see. (if I'm honest I'm not planning to go back but I don't want to close the door completely incase some miracle happens)

He says he can't afford mortgage alone, but in reality I think, whilst tight, he could just do it.

On the other hand I can't afford to pay two lots of rent, childcare, all baby expenses etc.

So I am thinking of saying : fine. You want the house (for now), so, why don't we call maintenance quits until we have decided what to do, and I won't pay towards the house.

His alternative is sell the house, or buy me out, pay maintenance and find a flat somewhere so I think he is getting the better deal?!

AIBU??

OP posts:

DuckworthLewis · 02/02/2014 14:09

Tread very carefully, if a mortgage payment is missed, for whatever reason, it will be a massive black mark on your credit file.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2014 14:10

I think you should consult a solicitor and/or citizen's advice. But don't waste time or money waiting for him to change: abusive men never do.
You need to make sure that whatever you do regarding the house/mortgage is a strategy that won't destroy your credit rating or leave you exposed to legal action.

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 14:11

If you tell him to spend your maintenance money on the mortgage, you're still paying it.

But you'll have no proof of your payment...meaning he could have a bigger claim to any equity in the future.

paxtecum · 02/02/2014 14:12

OP: Can you view the mortgage online, ie do you have anyway of knowing if he defaults on it?

If he decides not to pay it, the house could be repossessed and your credit rating will suffer too.

LoveWine · 02/02/2014 14:14

I would consult a solicitor...and very quickly.

sooperdooper · 02/02/2014 14:15

Have you had any legal advice as yet? I think you should do that first, and Duckworth is right, if payments get missed it'll go on your credit file too so won't do you any favours, especially if you're looking at renting where you'll need credit checks done

Maybe you would be best selling, I don't see how he gets a better deal that way? Sell, split any profits, you rent/he rents & pays maintenance

scantilymad · 02/02/2014 14:17

It's really hard to help from one post. I suggest that you make an appointment with a solicitor or the CAB immediately as already suggested. The mortgage company won't take this change in circumstances in to account on the current informal basis and you are running the risk of your partner being able to wield that against you eg if you don't do x I won't pay the mortgage this month. The mortgage company can eventually come after both of you individually for the whole amount but I hope it won't come to that.
Please get proper advice ASAP especially as a child is involved.
I also thoroughly second the previous poster who said abusive men don't change. I'm sorry to be so blunt but that is true. The type of abuse may change but they remain abusive.
Best of luck x

Original poster

Fairy1303 · 02/02/2014 14:36

Yes, I suppose I'm just very naive.
How about if I told the mortgage company?
Would I also lose rights to any of the sale if I haven't been paying?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 02/02/2014 14:40

Yes of course.

In order to make money from a property, you have to make payments for that property.

I really think you need legal advice.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 02/02/2014 15:25

Fairy, sorry to hear it has come to this. Is your DSDaughter with your MIL now? I hope she's not left with this idiot.

Anyway, you could just stop paying, but if the property is in both your names, you'll both be responsible for defaulting. You need to see a solicitor and sort this out officially, even if it is you forcing a sale/him to buy you out.

AwfulMaureen · 02/02/2014 15:28

I think you should definitely speak to the mortgage company....they may have good advice. But DO call CAB tomorrow...

AnyFucker · 02/02/2014 15:29

Get legal advice. And quickly.

Sixgeese · 02/02/2014 15:50

It's not that easy saying you have to make payments on a property to get money out, my exsil never made any payments on their house even after she kicked DBIL out, but she is still going to get the lion share out of the profits when they sell as she needs to house the DC and is a student.

Give legal advice as ever case is different, and you need to get it sorted sooner rather than later (advice that DBIL never listened too)

mrssmith79 · 02/02/2014 15:50

Agree on the legal advice. Could you speak to the lender about switching to interest only until the house is sold \ situation sorted?

kali110 · 02/02/2014 16:00

Speak to cab or a solicitor as doesn't matter if you've split and not living there you're still responsible so they'll still default you which will just be another stress you dont need

HauntedNoddyCar · 02/02/2014 16:03

Speak to mortgage co to see of you can take a payment holiday or reduced payments for 6 months.

splasheeny · 02/02/2014 16:04

As others have said, get legal advice.

If you don't pay towards the mortgage you may have less claim on the equity if/when you come to sell.

I take it he isn't paying child support? You should get him to pay, and then pay him half the mortgage.

LifeIsForTheLiving · 02/02/2014 16:06

I don't see how by selling he's getting a better deal at all?

You sell, split any profit and both rent/buy individually.

RandomMess · 02/02/2014 16:16

I would insist he pays maintenance.

I would pay something back towards the mortgage, even if it isn't half.

Original poster

Fairy1303 · 02/02/2014 17:07

He's not getting a better deal by selling or buying me out.

That's my point. Will definitely get some legal advice.

Starting to wish I'd gone down the injunction route now!

wibbly yes she's with MIL.
She'll be staying with me every sunday night once I move into my new house!

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 02/02/2014 17:25

Can you rent it out? or find out what the going rate for rent is.

I had advice from CAB when i divorced and exH wanted me to cover half the mortgage. It turned out the going rent for the area was £800 per month and our Mortgage was £600. So i suggested we rent it out till we decided to sell it and then bank the excess for any maintenance. ExH of course said no - he wanted to live there, just paying half the mortgage. So i said well then he owes me rent for my half, which is half the mortgage. I also told him if i was being a bitch about it my solicitor had said i could request £100 every month extra for loss of earnings on the rent! He soon backed down.

scantilymad · 04/02/2014 09:56

Hi Fairy
This thread has been concerning me and wanted to check you had approached CAB for advice. I don't know where you are but if in SW/West Country please pm me if you need details of lawyers who offer free half hours who could help give you initial advice

MsAnatomist · 04/02/2014 21:45

One thing I do know is that if you continue your payments, and he stays on in the house, he can be ordered to give you, as part of a divorce settlement, the money you have paid to the mortgage to date back. If you missed payments that surely would be less likely to go in your favour, never mind your credit rating going south.
Keep paying it, have a note of everything, and get him to pay you maintenance for your kid(s).
All this really should be determined legally, there are lots of options for drawing up agreements, not just when divorce is happening, but even during trial separation.

43percentburnt · 04/02/2014 21:52

Do NOT miss a mortgage payment. One late payment in the last 24 months is highly likely to mean you will require a sub prime mortgage lender and a 20 percent deposit.

Take maintenance from him and use it to pay your half.

You can force the sale - see a solicitor about it. He will get comfy if u pay half and as he realises you are not coming back may dig his heels in about selling.

43percentburnt · 04/02/2014 21:54

Do NOT tell the mortgage company you cannot afford to pay to reduce your payments. These reduced payments will show on your credit file and will stop you getting a mortgage.

You need to force the sale so you can both move on.

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