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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think DH is being a dick

104 replies

6tantrumsaday · 02/02/2014 12:38

That really he swears he is being totally reasonable though.

DH works 5 days a week 8-6 his job is sometimes stressful but mostly it is pretty calm. I am pretty much a SAHM too our 2 DCs and 2 DSS I also work 8am till 1pm in a local shop 3 days a week. I do most of the childcare during the week and a lot during the weekend too because DH has a hobby which takes him away most of Saturday. Now usually DH is appreciates what I do, and helps out with the DCs when he is here.

This week our youngest DC has been really sick with a tummy bug which I then caught, I stopped being ill on Friday night but I still feel awful and I can't eat much. I called him on Saturday whilst he was in his hobby and asked him to bring some frozen stuff home to feed the DCs as I didn't really want to cook. He didn't, he then complained because I asked him to pay for a takeaway as I haven't had the chance to get money out.

Today I told him I wasn't going to make a roast dinner because I don't feel like cooking all day plus me our youngest DC won't eat it and DSS1 looks like he is coming down with it and probably won't want it either. Plus we don't have any of the food for it in the house because I didn't get a chance to go shopping.

He threw a complete hissy fit, saying he always looked forward to it all week and I had spoilt his weekend. I said he could make it if he wants and I would make a list of stuff for him to buy. He said it was my job and he hates cooking anyway. I said I was just going to make pasta or something easy. He said I was taking the piss and he would make the dinner then. He stormed out with the shopping list but came back 5 minutes later saying he didn't want to anymore and he was just going to clean his car.

DSS1 was sick just before 12 so I started cleaning him up then youngest DC was sick so I called DH through to help and he kept grumbling saying this should all be my job and he earns all the money so I should cook and clean. I told him to stop being a big baby and just deal with it. He said I needed to act like a better wife and he worked so.much harder than me. Then he just walked out and left me with two upset DCs. He has gone on his push bike so probably won't be back for ages.

This happens about once every few months after he has had a stressful week in work he gets grumpy and angry over the slightest thing. He goes on his bike pushes himself too hard and comes back home even more grumpy and falls asleep on the sofa. Then tomorrow morning he will be really sorry and try to make up for it.

Usually I just accept it and move on but this week I am so tired of everything I just want to tell him he was being a dick and its not okay to behave like that ever.
So AIBU or not because he has had a hard week but so have I and I am not behaving like that.

OP posts:
inadreamworld · 02/02/2014 13:26

He is being horrible and unreasonable.

He may stick to the 1950s traditional mindset with womens roles because of what happened with your DSS's mother when he was a SAHD. Also being stressed at work doesn't help.

But you also do a job outside the home and deserve consideration - you need to talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel and reassure him you are not going to be like the mother of your DSS and run away.

HopefulHamster · 02/02/2014 13:32

I would insist on this being discussed properly, not glossed over with a few sorries.

Does he seriously think because he works five days a week, you have to do everything despite working three days a week, looking after FOUR children and being ILL?

Nobber.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 02/02/2014 13:32

Adds knobwomble to all the other wondtrful words I've acquired from MN

ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2014 13:41

What an utter wanker Sad

So you are working part time, looking after your kids, his kids, doing all the housework and child care duties, cooking and you put up with all his shit, without any support whilst you're ill, and you are still expected to look after the kids singlehandedly when they are also ill?

Wow, what a fucking catch Sad

Flangeofmingetown · 02/02/2014 13:41

I would start by making sure you have every Sunday off to please yourself with a hobby.

Original poster
6tantrumsaday · 02/02/2014 13:45

I did leave once for a week when we only had one DC together and he said had a hissy fit he begged me to come back and in the end I did but back then he was in a less stressful job and it really was a one off and the first time he had done something like that.
I think later on in the week I am going to say that we have to go to counselling or I will leave because you are right this isn't normal.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 02/02/2014 13:51

Don't wait for later on in the week. He is behaving like a child - you wouldn't wait for repercussions when a child misbehaves. Pack him a bag and leave it out the front - and why the fuck should you be the one to leave?

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2014 13:51

OP, I am really surprised he is treating you this way when he has personal experience of being the SAHP. Did his ex perhaps have similar expectations of him?

rookiemater · 02/02/2014 13:55

Oh and this is not a rational suggestion and wouldn't help - but as the roast is the only thing he has to look forward to each week Hmm, why not suggest he gives up his time consuming hobby as he seems to get so little pleasure from it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/02/2014 14:07

I'd go with
'Dear Husband.

You work 45 hours a week. I work 15. If you add on the hours that I work in childcare, cleaning, cooking yada yada it comes to [add them up and put the total].
You get one day off to do your hobby and I get no days off - ever.

Since you think that it is my 'JOB' to clean up everyone's shit, starting next week, I shall be taking X day off, every week to do my hobby. My hobby, is sitting at home doing bugger all [or insert something that you could do that is not related to the house/kids at all]. This means, you can do all the housework, childcare, cooking, cleaning, clothes washing, etc etc etc between the hours of [the time he leaves the house of his hobby to the time he gets back], just like I do on your hobby day.

Your Wife'

ernesttheBavarian · 02/02/2014 14:08

OMG. I've been married for 16 years, 14 of them as a SAHM. Dh is in a high stress job with long hours. He does often get grumpy, but never once in all this time has he suggested it's his money, or my job. When the house is too bad he complains that I need to get a cleaner, not that I need to do the work. When I returned to work he was totally supportive.

He ain't perfect, far from it. But I would be furious and devastated to hear him say things like that. Not just him leaving me to do all the work, but knowing he really believed the things he said.

What do you want to do?

msrisotto · 02/02/2014 14:14

Wow. I am so sorry for you op. Do you want to carry on like this?

minkersmum · 02/02/2014 14:37

Poor you is all i can say. You know he is being a dick. Hopefully he does too and changes his ways before the damage is irrepairable.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 02/02/2014 15:00

He sounds vile OP. Really. Just because it only happens once every few months, doesn't mean it's okay. If DP ever suggested that housework or childcare was women's work, it would be the last time I did anything for him until he'd done a hell of a lot of work and grovelling. But, he wouldn't do that because he sees as a partnership, whereas your DH doesn't :(

annieorangutan · 02/02/2014 15:12

Good god he treats you like a stepford wife. Dont know what he would make of me Ive only cooked dh 2 roasts in 11 years, and he never moans. Im not his slave.

HesterShaw · 02/02/2014 15:15

You're right - he's a dick.

xtremeraverbaby · 02/02/2014 15:19

hes being a twunt

kotinka · 02/02/2014 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frostedloop · 02/02/2014 15:26

I want to apologise on behalf of all men for your other half OP, he is frankly a selfish childish tit.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2014 15:31

That's ok, FL, we know all men are not like this one.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/02/2014 15:33

I would be bathing poorly children and putting them to bed then taking a good book and going to bed myself and leaving him to it. no need to take his grumps out on you, he should be more supportive especially when you are not well.

MrsKoala · 02/02/2014 15:37

Good grief. For a start i wouldn't let this go with a few sorrys. i would use it as a catalyst to make things fairer. I would tell him i was taking the same amount of time off on Sunday as he does Saturday. Don't leave food to reheat or clothes laid out. Let him get on with it. I would talk to him very seriously about 'jobs' versus being a team.

How could anyone expect someone sick to also do all that without helping? Mh DH works longer hours than your DH and doesn't get 50% of non working family time to swan off and do a hobby. In our relationship it is my 'role' to usually provide food and cleaning. However, i am never questioned whether i have done something and if say oven pizza is for dinner then that's fine. If i'm feeling ill or tired it's completely normal for DH to pack me off for a nap and no dinner is expected. I'm not 'grateful' for this btw. Because it is exactly how i treat DH and expect to be treated.

I don't mind DH doing a lot less than me in the house, but i would very much mind if he spoke to me like shit or his slave.

LindyHemming · 02/02/2014 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
6tantrumsaday · 02/02/2014 16:09

He came home at 3 for the rugby and was most put out to fined that DSS1 was on one sofa, DC2 on the other and me in the chair all watching a film. He told me to move so I said no the DCs are here watching a film and if he wants to watch the tv he can go to the ILs. So he has gone again though he was muttering to himself as he left.
I won't just leave him because there are 4DCs to think about but if he doesn't want to try and make this work then that is what I will do.

OP posts:
kotinka · 02/02/2014 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.