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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think DH is being a dick

104 replies

6tantrumsaday · 02/02/2014 12:38

That really he swears he is being totally reasonable though.

DH works 5 days a week 8-6 his job is sometimes stressful but mostly it is pretty calm. I am pretty much a SAHM too our 2 DCs and 2 DSS I also work 8am till 1pm in a local shop 3 days a week. I do most of the childcare during the week and a lot during the weekend too because DH has a hobby which takes him away most of Saturday. Now usually DH is appreciates what I do, and helps out with the DCs when he is here.

This week our youngest DC has been really sick with a tummy bug which I then caught, I stopped being ill on Friday night but I still feel awful and I can't eat much. I called him on Saturday whilst he was in his hobby and asked him to bring some frozen stuff home to feed the DCs as I didn't really want to cook. He didn't, he then complained because I asked him to pay for a takeaway as I haven't had the chance to get money out.

Today I told him I wasn't going to make a roast dinner because I don't feel like cooking all day plus me our youngest DC won't eat it and DSS1 looks like he is coming down with it and probably won't want it either. Plus we don't have any of the food for it in the house because I didn't get a chance to go shopping.

He threw a complete hissy fit, saying he always looked forward to it all week and I had spoilt his weekend. I said he could make it if he wants and I would make a list of stuff for him to buy. He said it was my job and he hates cooking anyway. I said I was just going to make pasta or something easy. He said I was taking the piss and he would make the dinner then. He stormed out with the shopping list but came back 5 minutes later saying he didn't want to anymore and he was just going to clean his car.

DSS1 was sick just before 12 so I started cleaning him up then youngest DC was sick so I called DH through to help and he kept grumbling saying this should all be my job and he earns all the money so I should cook and clean. I told him to stop being a big baby and just deal with it. He said I needed to act like a better wife and he worked so.much harder than me. Then he just walked out and left me with two upset DCs. He has gone on his push bike so probably won't be back for ages.

This happens about once every few months after he has had a stressful week in work he gets grumpy and angry over the slightest thing. He goes on his bike pushes himself too hard and comes back home even more grumpy and falls asleep on the sofa. Then tomorrow morning he will be really sorry and try to make up for it.

Usually I just accept it and move on but this week I am so tired of everything I just want to tell him he was being a dick and its not okay to behave like that ever.
So AIBU or not because he has had a hard week but so have I and I am not behaving like that.

OP posts:

JingleBrains · 02/02/2014 13:00

Completely unacceptable behaviour, especially when you and DCs are sick!!! Fgs! And complaining about having to pay for ready made food or takeaways when you're ill?!!? Sorry but he's out of order, I would have serious words. That is lack of respect.

BuzzardBird · 02/02/2014 13:00

Whatever you do, do not expose his toothbrush to any poo spores. That would be so wrong

Pollydon · 02/02/2014 13:00

What a cunt !!

magoria · 02/02/2014 13:03

Selfish wanker. When do you get a day of your time to do what you want and meals made.

One of the children is your step child. Not even yours but their parent leaves the looking after to you when the child and you are ill.

You need a sit down and blunt conversation ab

ZenNudist · 02/02/2014 13:03

Is this for real? You poor thing.

Hugs

You need to get to counselling with this man. Stop making excuses like 'he's great with the kids', start trying to get the relationship on a more even balance.

He needs to realise that outside of the 8-6 Mon-fri, family duties are split equally and you both get equal amounts of leisure time. If he wants to spend one day a week on a hobby (which I cant believe you let him do) then he makes it up elsewhere.

Are you not exhausted getting such a raw deal at the best of times? Let alone this inexcusable behaviour whilst you're ill?

Flangeofmingetown · 02/02/2014 13:03

Now this may be an eye-opener for him....

Tell him you wish to return to work full time. Draw up a list outlining all the work you do and how much it will cost to sub it out. Full time childcare, housekeeper ( these are separate), gardener, window cleaner, personal shopper, car valeting, decorator, tutor etc. Make a list of all the stuff you do, work out how much it would cost to have other people do it and then hand him half the bill.

That will lead to a rethink me thinks.......

magoria · 02/02/2014 13:03

Oops phone.

about taking the piss.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 02/02/2014 13:04

I think I'd probably lock the door. Sorry OP have nothing to add other than he is a dick. YANBU and if you need a hand digging a man sized hole in the back garden I have a big space and lots of energy

Original poster

6tantrumsaday · 02/02/2014 13:04

I can't go out with the DCs this sick.
The DSSs mum left them all 8 years ago because she didn't want a family interestingly DH was a SAHD at this time and she was the only earner.

OP posts:

Crowler · 02/02/2014 13:04

Hope you feel better soon, OP.

TheCrackFox · 02/02/2014 13:05

As far as I am concerned when there is illness in the house then it is all hands on deck - whether that means takeaways, ready meals, 6yr olds making toast or a grown man making dinner - everyone just has to pull together to get through.

WaffilyVersatile · 02/02/2014 13:06

err hes being an utter cunt. my OH works and pays all bills etc so yes I do take responsibility for the cooking and the lions share of the housework but when the kids/me are ill he is more than happy to pull his weight.

DD threw up (from her bunk bed) last sunday at about 3am. I am 8 weeks pregnant and having a lot of sickness so although I got up with her and settled her downstairs and tried to clean up the bedroom I just couldn't so opened the window and shut her door.. OH told me the following morning to leave it to him and he spent all day cleaning her room. It was his only day off.

You need to have words with your OH.

Notalwaysabowlofcherries · 02/02/2014 13:06

I agree with nearthewindmill that you need to wait until you can have a calm discussion about this. This is not because I don't agree that he is behaving like an utter arse, but just because I think it would be a more constructive approach. Even put it in a letter or email if you think you will be brow-beaten by him. I suggest you state v. clearly that his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change if he wants you to stay in the relationship. You might make the point that a) the work of a SAHM is equally - if not more - stressful and demanding than full time employment and b) that if you didn't do it and had to pay someone else to do it it would cost a small fortune. I think you also need to address his poor anger management issues; I imagine he would accept that he has them given that he typically apologises in the end after these outbursts. I suggest being as calm as you can, but unyielding. I suspect that cool, rational approach is more likely to get the result you want than shouting and screaming at him (tempting as it may be!!!). And I would also make it clear that you will leave him - taking (your) children with you if he is not prepared to change. If you make that threat, I think it has more power if you really mean it. Good luck!!!!

EllaFitzgerald · 02/02/2014 13:06

Wow, what an arse. Everyone is entitled to a bad day after a rough week, but it sounds like he has no comprehension of what you actually do.
When does your working day begin, compared to his? I'm assuming that if one of the children is being ill in the middle of the night or at the weekend, you don't nudge him and tell him to deal with it as you clocked off at 5pm?
When do you get your time off? What do you get to look forward to all week?

I'd be inclined to do a bit of googling and find out the going rates for childcare, laundry services, cleaning, after school tutoring etc, then present him with a bill for the 'minimal' contribution you make to the running of the family home.

Fairenuff · 02/02/2014 13:07

You do know that this is not normal right?

His whole attitude stinks and, sadly, I don't think it will change.

Please start thinking about making plans for a better life for yourself and your children.

Original poster

6tantrumsaday · 02/02/2014 13:10

I did think about counselling last time this happened. I think this time I am just going to suggest it and see how it goes.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2014 13:11

And you're not pretty much a SAHM. You work three mornings a week and on those days, I imagine you have about an hour to do everything that needs to be done before it's time to collect the DCs from school. He works unexceptional hours in a mostly stress-free job and has loads of time for his hobby. I bet you don't have time for your hobby, do you?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 02/02/2014 13:13

Ah big spade**

eurochick · 02/02/2014 13:15

You won't have to put up with him for long, OP. I've just heard 1952 calling and it wants him back.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 02/02/2014 13:16

He is an utter woman hating knob. Did your dcs hear any of his comments? What a terrible example to set.

You need to stop accepting this behaviour now, pull him up on every sexist twatish comment he makes.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/02/2014 13:19

He is a total dick. How dare he say that cooking and the care of four children is only your job! You may have sole responsibility for them during the weekdays when you're at home, but on evenings and weekends they are a shared responsibility, not a 'job'. And if I were you I would start bringing more equality into your relationship asap. Start alternating who cooks on the weekends.

The fact that he was a SAHP before means he is not incompetent. If I were you I'd have a chat about how things could end up if he keeps treating you like unpaid help. Being partners who pull together and support each other keeps families together. He needs a reality check. He either treats you like his equal, or you can leave and he can pay someone to do his cooking, cleaning and childcare...

Viviennemary · 02/02/2014 13:22

He isn't being unreasonable to want a roast dinner if he's looked forward to it all week. But he must cook it himself and do the shopping for it and stop expecting you to run after him especially when you aren't well. And don't just say I only work part time as if it should be dismissed as nothing. It's 15 hours a week which nearly half a week.

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2014 13:24

15 hours outside the home plus all in home duties?

I think you work more than he does...

rookiemater · 02/02/2014 13:26

This goes far beyond the normal who works harder debate, although fwiw your H gets a pretty good deal getting to have all of Saturday every week for his hobby.

No to me this is about common human decency and respect. You were ill, you didn't ask him to cook, you asked him to buy some frozen food, or today you suggested a simpler meal because neither you nor the children are feeling well.

His response shows that he views you as a household appliance not a person. Oh and I'd missed the bit about the DSs as well, so you are effectively doing all the parenting for his kids too, thank god for them you are in their life.

I'm sorry for you 6tantrums, I hope you manage to get an improvement from him.

Groovee · 02/02/2014 13:26

He sounds like a lazy arse who needs a reality check!

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