To have sent ds to bed hungry

[Edenviolet]

After he refused his 'disgusting' dinner.....

Bit of background- ds1 has severe food allergies, is underweight and gets migraines often triggered by strong smells/ certain food. He refuses lunch at school most days and is ravenous when I collect him.

Today he had breakfast and lunch of his choice- porridge with sugar and strawberries for breakfast and chicken fingers, plain pasta and cucumber for lunch.

For dinner I made him a jacket potato with a bowl of beans, bowl of tuna (he likes food separate), a salad of cucumber, carrot, red and orange pepper, a glass of water and some natural soya yogurt with fruit for pudding. He took one look at it and said he wouldn't eat it and wanted something else. I said no, it was that or nothing and he burst into tears.

I know he was hungry and I feel horrible, he went to bed upset but he has been getting so fussy recently over food and that was a meal he's eaten before but has now decided he just doesn't like.
He tried asking for biscuits before bed and I said no, I feel mean but can't keep pandering to how fussy he is.

Uhmmm why are you pandering to all his fickle faves the rest of the time and then all of a sudden one night, bang that's it no dinner. He obviously feels complicated about food because of his allergies and you need to talk to the hv to get some advice about getting him to eat normal food normally, not in separate bowls etc. You have helped create his poor eating habits so you help him get out of them. Poor little scrap is underweight and you sent him to bed with no dinner? How irresponsible and positively nasty, I din't think anyone parented like this anymore. I feel sad for him to go to bed hungry because his mum is throwing a stop. Get help.

If he is hungry enough he will eat anything you put in front of him. If he's eaten it before then you know he likes it so bowing down to fussiness won't do you any favours in the long run.

Harsh monkey. It's easy to say what youd do from the other end of a computer

I don't think it's unreasonable. You offered a dinner that he is able to eat and he choose not to eat it.

If he refuses lunch at school but he ate lunch at home today he is not missing out on any calories when compared to a school day.

This child has eating problems and is underweight. This isn't a regular kid who wants to arse about at dinner time. That's the difference and that's why the ops 'strategy' lacks compassion, understanding and common sense.

I know he is very restricted in what he can eat but he really needs to learn that he can't be this fussy or he will just get more underweight. I'm really hoping feeling hungry today might make him realise he needs to eat what we give him.

I explained to him at breakfast and lunch that he needed to try and make a healthy choice and then actually eat the food (which is why he chose strawberries and cucumber as he said he wanted some of his five a day) but he completely refused his dinner then was begging for biscuits and his milk before bed.

I do feel bad but as he is so limited in his diet he just can't be this fussy with the foods he can eat.

If he has severe allergies and therefore a real issue with food then perhaps YABU a bit U. But I don't to ow what goes on at meal times with your DS. I don't think this is something you can ask in AIBU tbh. Do you need more help with his food/allergy issues?

WEll i was ready to flame your arse - but no, it seems like you made the right call - he wont starve and will think twice about running you ragged over his food in future. Its good that you made a stand.

X post there - I understand that he can't be fussy in what he eats, but he probably doesn't. How old is he and has he always had severe allergies?

I'm sorry op, I think you're getting bad advice here and advice that is very much against what nutritionists and paediatrician advised me with m similar sounding ds.
He is a special case, and clearly has a horrid time of it with food. I know what it's like to bend over backwards making suitable food and for it to be rejected, but neither of us know what it's like to feel food is the enemy that makes us ill (actually I have gallstones which have made me lose lots of weight because I'm scared of an attack so I do understand a bit now).
Forget tonight-you were at the end of your tether. But next time I'd give him the food. I was advised that calories are the most important thing when they're this underweight and supplements can sort out anything he's missing. Put out the healthy stuff but also put out the stuff to fill him up, we were told that if they'd eaten a 'good' meal that day then they could have treats -your ds had eaten very well up to dinner and possibly felt overwhelmed by that point.
We tried for calorie rich food --smoothies with high fat stuff in, a lot of thick pancakes etc.

Given the choice I think e would happily live on neocate, soya milk and biscuits as that's what he keeps asking for. His allergies how no sign of going and I think he needs to learn that he should eat proper food.

Of course he would still need a certain amount of neocate or similar each day but that can't carry on forever. If he ate what he was offered more often he would put weight on. I understand at school he has issues with the smell of hot lunches but that's not the case at home, he is just fussy.

Have you tried asking him what he wants to eat? I rotate 4 different meals for DS for dinner (he has SN rather than allergies which have led to him being underweight in the past).

Since he has felt that he has some control over his food, he's eaten more, is back to a normal weight and food is no longer a battleground.

And some children won't eat, even if they're hungry. What an ignorant statement

He should have been given the milk but not the biscuits imho.

Did you allow him to have his milk before bed? I wouldn't have permitted biscuits, but wouldn't have refused milk. But YANBU with respect to not making him a different meal.

Would he like to be more involved and start cooking with you? Maybe that would be a step towards getting more used to trying new things.

Missing one meal is no biggie so don't feel bad about it.

I have a fussy 4yr old as well and he's gone without occasionally at bedtime although I might offer an apple at bath time but definitely no biscuits.

I've been paying for school dinners which he hardly touched at first other than a bit of pudding occasionally but he's starting to try more food fairly recently. I think seeing other children eating has helped and he gets a star sticker at school if he tries something new. I was go smacked when he asked for some grated Parmesan on his pasta on Friday. Major breakthrough there!

I share your frustration though when you go to huge effort to make something just for them that they eaten happily before and then they complain that it's 'disgusting'. !!!

And I agree that calories are the goal here - nutrients can be made up to an extent with supplements

Sounds like you need a plan, but you must he consistent. Have you asked to be referred to a dietitian? They were brilliant when my dc had severe allergies.
If your ds is sleeping, he will certainly be ready for breakfast in the morning!!!!
If not I personally would offer a small something, you will feel less anxious and he will get the nourishment he needs. It can be difficult to sleep if you are hungry anyway.
You need to be prepared in future, if there is something you definitely don't want want him to eat, don't buy it.

Ds is 7, he has had allergies since birth, initially it manifested as eosinophilic pustular folliculitis and as a newborn his whole scalp was a festering sore and he was v ill until I cut out all dairy, egg and nuts from my diet.

At six months old he started having neocate. We see a dietician and she has always said lots of neocate and soya products for calories, vitamins and calcium but ds won't have a lot of soya as isn't overly keen on the yogurts etc. I want him to start eating a more balanced diet rather than relying on increasing amounts of 'milk'

Your DS did eat quite a bit earlier on in the day. You were right not to give biscuits. My DS was a really fussy eater when he was little and there's still lots of things he doesn't like but I got a bit fed up of it all in the end and mostly just gave him what he liked. But he didn't like sweet things much so it was a bit easier. Don't stress too much over it all.

Yabu, not his fault he has allergies and to be honest i think you both need more guidance on his fussiness.

YANBU, it can be practically impossible when they are so fussy, and they can change their mind over the slightest thing so it's fair enough to say he's eaten it before, he can eat it now. I would probably have offered to reheat the potato in microwave and given him the same if he was complaining of hunger at bedtime, it's certainly not on for him to demand biscuits instead of a meal which he could have eaten at least some of (even if there was a bit he didn't like, you had lots of choices there, he could have just eaten tuna and veg if he didn't fancy potato, etc.) I don't see why people feel the need to be harsh to you, having seen your other threads you have a lot on and you're doing very well to cater to him like that, I've fed everyone pizza tonight and I have a lot less stress than you.

No, he didn't have his milk as he went to sleep quite early which I didn't expect him to so even if I'd taken it up at the usual time he has it he'd have been asleep.

Go back to your dietician and in the meantime let him eat what he wants not what you want. BTW what is your relationship to food?