To have sent ds to bed hungry

[Edenviolet]

After he refused his 'disgusting' dinner.....

Bit of background- ds1 has severe food allergies, is underweight and gets migraines often triggered by strong smells/ certain food. He refuses lunch at school most days and is ravenous when I collect him.

Today he had breakfast and lunch of his choice- porridge with sugar and strawberries for breakfast and chicken fingers, plain pasta and cucumber for lunch.

For dinner I made him a jacket potato with a bowl of beans, bowl of tuna (he likes food separate), a salad of cucumber, carrot, red and orange pepper, a glass of water and some natural soya yogurt with fruit for pudding. He took one look at it and said he wouldn't eat it and wanted something else. I said no, it was that or nothing and he burst into tears.

I know he was hungry and I feel horrible, he went to bed upset but he has been getting so fussy recently over food and that was a meal he's eaten before but has now decided he just doesn't like.
He tried asking for biscuits before bed and I said no, I feel mean but can't keep pandering to how fussy he is.

I long ago, after DD (DC1) had/has food issues, that dinner is what I dish up, eat it or go hungry. And that goes for 3yo DS3 with severe food allergies too.

I don't make a fuss, dinner is left on the table for a set amount of time, what's left gets taken and hoovered by one of the older DS's and they eat more at breakfast.

We all have the same here, barring very specific 'hates' - I wouldn't dish DD up peas, for example, or DS1 fresh tomatoes, or DS2 Cauliflower, or DS3 cucumber...

No food is available after dinner if you have chosen not to eat dinner.

He has Neocate and multivitamins and calcium supplements (shop bought ones, the prescription ones are disgusting). That's nutritionally complete.

Some days DS3 eats his entire dinner, other days he eats one forkful. He's underweight for his height, but not dangerously so.

What are his allergies, Hedgehog?

Ds1 is allergic to cows milk, eggs, brazil and cashew nuts and shellfish.

He also has latex allergy.

I understand the smell issue my stomach can heave with that horrid canteen smell,(I tend to put some perfume on my sleeve and smell that instead) but when you said he gets worried that it is food he is allergic to, that sounds psychological and maybe he would benefit from counselling to help him relax about the smell being harmful? I've heard that magnesium can help migraines Do you think they may be related to him not eating properly?

I'd have given him a biscuit and milk If he felt he couldn't eat that dinner

It must be infuriating though, and one night without dinner isn't a big deal.

I do think you could do with some further advice from an ALLERGY SPECIALIST dietician.

Fussiness and food 'issues' do often come along with allergies - DS3's dietician explained it as that because he has been made ill by foods in the past, it is a protective mechanism for them to become fussy.

If your GP refuses to refer you, complain to PALS. It took me from when DS3 was 8 weeks old until he was 21 months old to get to see an allergy specialist dietician. It's been an utter godsend.

Also, when do you give the Neocate, Hedgehog?

One thing I have found is that if DS3 has ANY Neocate after 5am or before bedtime, he eats bugger all through the day, because it's nutritionally complete.

I gave in, and he has half a sachet at bedtime, and half a sachet at 3am. Then he eats far better. I use a Thermos flask for the other half a sachet.

(DS3 can't manage an entire sachet in one go as he still suffers from bad reflux)

Yes, I still have to do a bloody exhausting night feed even though DS3 is 3yo now - but he is slowly starting to drop the 3am feed, we are down to every other day now, and he is eating FAR more proper food, and a far more varied diet.

When I was giving the Neocate during the day, DS3 just wasn't HUNGRY enough to be tempted by anything other than his absolute favourite meals...

If over 3yo, the only issue with them not having a full sachet of Neocate is not quite enough calcium.

You can either get the (frankly gross) calcium supplements from the GP/dietician OR you can give one average sized orange a day plus one 'Haliborange Kids Vitamin D Calcium Softies'.

They are dairy, soy, nut free, and I've just checked (bottle in hand) and they don't contain shellfish either. I just pick them up from Tesco. They're like jelly sweets, so easy to get a young DC to take.

Dietician advised them for as soon as DS3 turned 3yo.

PM me if you need any food advice, I can't help with the food smell thing, but have plenty of 'safe' recipes and foods.

Ds has his neocate at bedtime. He has those calcium softies and at weekends has a different supplement that contains iron as well as last blood test he was slightly anaemic.

He seems to have got worse with food since dd2 and ds2 grew out of their milk and egg allergies and he thinks its very unfair as they are younger than him. All dcs still have shellfish allergy but I'm not expecting that one to go as I have the same but its so easy to avoid.

DS3 is just starting to really notice that the other DC's can eat things that he can't. I'm sure this WILL be an issue in the future. It must be so much harder for him to see them eating things he can't. It's why 99% of the time, I don't cook dinners for DS3 that are different to ours, or if I absolutely have to (shepherds pie / lasagne), I make them SO same-looking that he doesn't even tell!

It doesn't take much to make an extra white sauce DF sf, so I just do DS3 a mini lasagne in a separate dish. That way he doesn't even notice that he's not eating the same as the others, because it LOOKS the same when it's dished up IYSWIM.

Is he old enough to sit and chat to? Because it could be explained along the lines that NO, it's NOT fair that DD2 & DS2 have outgrown their allergies, but equally it's not fair that DD2 has diabetes either? That every person is different, not all things are fair, but that you have to cope with what your OWN issues are?

Would he be old enough to understand that?

Your poor DS sounds unhappy and pissed off at the unfairness of the world - who can blame him! It must be so hard for you.

You clearly snapped but it does seem you will need a softer/slower approach so he doesn't just see it as something else to be pissed off about. I wouldn't pay much attention to the 'rod for your back' crew, unless you have a child that has serious issues around food then there's no way to understand it. He isn't being naughty, ffs!

Is there any way you could home school him? The school environment sounds hell for him too tbh.

Home schooling is a big temptation-for ds1 and even more so for dd2 who is meant to start in September but I'm petrified they won't look after her properly. I'm not sure if I could do it though as I'm not sure how good I'd be at teaching.

The 25th centile is not underweight it is well within the normal range.He wouldn't have the resources to grow so tall if he were under fed.

I think what you did is reasonable as it was a very mixed meal and ds could have eaten some part of it. And it will make him think differently.

I did offer only one meal with my ds2 when he was very fussy, but he was a good weight. Also when I refused to offer him anything else he quickly learnt to eat some of the meal (the meat!).

If your ds is at school then unless he has special needs I would say you need to work at food all being on one plate and gradually being combined. That is just how food is in adult life.

He was on 25th centile 18 months ago but I dont know which one he is on now. He is very very thin. I will try and measure him and work it out when he's feeling better.

I havent read all replies, but although initially you may feel crap. In the long term - i think its the right move. What if you didnt have the food to offer an alternative? Food is expensive and not something you can easily waste.

But, dont get worried or het up at meal times. Just think 'meh' and say 'are you sure as there isnt anything else' and if if says no, just happily take it away but not give anything else.

Your meal had a good mixture of different foods - he could have eaten something.