To have sent ds to bed hungry

[Edenviolet]

After he refused his 'disgusting' dinner.....

Bit of background- ds1 has severe food allergies, is underweight and gets migraines often triggered by strong smells/ certain food. He refuses lunch at school most days and is ravenous when I collect him.

Today he had breakfast and lunch of his choice- porridge with sugar and strawberries for breakfast and chicken fingers, plain pasta and cucumber for lunch.

For dinner I made him a jacket potato with a bowl of beans, bowl of tuna (he likes food separate), a salad of cucumber, carrot, red and orange pepper, a glass of water and some natural soya yogurt with fruit for pudding. He took one look at it and said he wouldn't eat it and wanted something else. I said no, it was that or nothing and he burst into tears.

I know he was hungry and I feel horrible, he went to bed upset but he has been getting so fussy recently over food and that was a meal he's eaten before but has now decided he just doesn't like.
He tried asking for biscuits before bed and I said no, I feel mean but can't keep pandering to how fussy he is.

Don't feel too bad - his lack of willingness to eat this time must have been because he felt unwell to start with. You probably couldn't have offered the 'right' meal even if you'd made something else.
My DD is pretty fussy and I generally take the approach of giving her the choice of two meals, both of which I know she will eat. I don't try her with new foods regularly, but she will try unfamiliar foods (usually with a right face on, but will try it nonetheless) and I've generally taken the line of offering a simple bland snack at bedtime too, regardless of how well (or not) she has eaten.
Whilst 'fussy' she has a good appreciation of her own appetite and is very good at regulating when she is full, so I don't ever encourage clean plates or comment on how much or little she has eaten.

"If he is hungry enough he will eat anything you put in front of him."

The words of someone who has never had a child with real difficulties around food.

OP, he was obviously unwell this evening so don't beat yourself up over that. Hope he feels better soon.

What I would suggest is ensuring that he knows exactly what food is coming before you cook. Give him 2 options so he has some control but you are still making sure he gets good quality food. It's great that you separate his food because that will be a cause of anxiety for him
Make sure there is always something you know he will eat. Getting into a battle will not help anyone. Work together, keep him involved and you will get there.

Second the boring back up for when other food is refused. In our house it's Belvita biscuits (the ones that are supposed to be breakfast food, they are cereal biscuits that are supposed to fill you up for a long time). I just get the 'milk' flavour ones.

I thin you were a bit harsh suddenly pulling the 'this or nothing' card out, BUT no child will suffer from missing their dinner once so don't beat yourself up about it. Given that he has been sick you can also now start with a clean slate tomorrow and put this down to experience and him being off colour.

DS, who is reasonably fussy but with no allergies and no SN, likes beans and toast but has them separately. Again I don't see a problem with this - we all have foods we like to eat but keep separate from others, surely? I know plenty of people who like gravy or sauce but only on X, not Y, which isn't too different. It's an allowable preference for me.

If he refuses school dinners most days and comes home avenous, why on earth not provide packed lunches? it's not fair on him expecting him to work and concentrate in the afternoon if he's starving.

Sounds like he might have sensory issues around food because of his allergies. My dc have autism both have sensory issues and would rather starve than eat certain foods and textures.

"They'll eat it if they're hungry" is BS for a lot of children I am afraid.

My DD has no SN or allergies etc, but she likes food separate and doesn't like sauces (only exception being tomato pasta sauce, but she only really likes the taste of the stuff we make at home) no ketchup, no gravy, no melted cheese. She is very particular about both texture and wetness of food, as is her sister.

I come from a background of familiarity with ASD and initially read this thread as being about classic ASD mahooosive tantrums about unfamiliar foods. Clearly this isn't actually the case - having said, could there be a small element of near-end spectrum ASD here? After all there's no rule that says a child with physical food intolerances can't also be on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder wavelength as well?

OP. I really feel for you and think you should get some professional support. DS may be developing emotional difficulties with his food and if you both knew the plane this situation may not arise so much.
Don't feel bad about him being sick, at teatime he wanted an alternative so didn't feel sick then.

Hope you get good sleep tonight and try not to worryx

Sorry I probably wasn't clear enough- it is the packed lunch he won't eat, he cannot have school meals as they couldn't guarantee it would be completely egg/milk/nut free.

What he has in his lunchbox is what he would eat at home but he cannot stand the smell of the school lunches and then can't eat much. He is funny about smells/lights due to his migraines .

He does prefer food in little separate bowls/pots/wrapped up for packed lunch. Hates the smell of his lunchbox and is anxious if there's even a crumb in it.

Ds is quite an anxious child overall but has a lot to contend with due to health issues, the migraines are a big problem, he has medication to prevent them but does get them occasionally still and is anxious about having them.

Sorry, OP, I had misread your bit about school lunches. It sounds as though you are doing pretty well in a very difficult situation. HAve an un-MN hug from me. Hope your ds feels better tomorrow. Don't feel bad about him being sick - how were you to know?

Could you see a dietician/specialist about his eating? x

Monkey nuts

Stick with it now, you're doing a good job. I went on a parenting course when dd was very little cus I was a young mum in a deprived area were they offered it for free, and the advice they gave us there was to not give substitutes for proper meals. Let them choose between two options, and don't use pudding as an incententive, just a part of a balanced meal. It's always worked for us. But don't give anything ridulous (like a really hot curry or hard to chew steak), and if they've tried a meal twice and still don't like it, don't bother cooking it again. Never pressure them into eating, put it out and leave it up to them how much they have etc.

Hope this advice works (it always has for us), don't listen to people putting you down, you sound like a good mum who wants what is best for your dc.

If he has such extreme sensory issues around food then why aren't school providing somewhere quiet and odour free for him to eat his packed lunch?

It wouldn't surprise me if asd- type issues were somewhere in the mix here.Anxiety and headaches/stomach-aches are common manifestations.He sounds like a child who doesn't need tough love.

Serious difficulties with food can blight a child's life (and a family's too!)

I too feel your pain. Ds1 is thought to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum (going through assessments slowly!). He is terrible with food and even meals we know are given for him to eat will sometimes be refused for no reason other than he doesn't want it that time.

We've changed our strategies several times but have realised even if he asks for biscuits, he will eat fruit/raw veg. Is it an option for you to offer similar? Ie if he doesn't want the meal offered he can have as much fruit/raw veg as he can eat? Maybe a biscuit after for 'pudding' For ds this means he'll eat a plate full of carrot, pear, apple and banana. Far from ideal on a regular basis but it's better than nothing at all when they're in a fussy moment. Avacado is probably a good one to try at least once due to it being high in fat but not unhealthy.

Mellow Belvita biscuits, really? Have you read the nutritional information on the packet? I think they're actually pretty awful. Mainly sugar. If you must give biscuits, you'd be better off with plain digestives.

Sorry, just read that back and it sounds dead snippy - not meant to be, but it's 4am and I'm on my second night feed - just trying to help!

I have a son with severe allergies...he also likes his foods separated and specialists have told us this is actually very typical of kids with allergies as is the fussiness. I think people get strangely on their high horses about children being fussy, but actually the child is expressing a need and where allergies are involved I think you need to respect their seeming whims more because honestly food is complicated your them.

My son does what your son does so now we offer options.....usually quick dinners like beans on toast, pasta.....and we do let him choose...and so Stimson he then refuses and it is annoying but then he gets toast...and we have a conversation about why it is hard when he does this....
Anyway I suppose all I want to say is I understand your reaction but honestly a kid with allergies is not the typical fussy eater......and I think it is pretty weird to force kids to eat foods that they do not like, within reason....if you can find some options that they will eat.

We have all felt bad when our kid has turned out to be sick and we were annoyed over something they did. Hope he gets better soon. Iced drinks and ice lollies should help.

The school cannot provide anywhere odour free for ds to eat. The meals are cooked on site and ds has said he can start to smell the food from around mid morning and that he hates it because it stinks and he knows that its food he's allergic to.
He said it gets worse till lunchtime then he ha to sit near people eating it and he hates it.

The school offered for him to sit in the medical room for a few days once but ds could still smell the food and he got upset being near children who were unwell when he was eating so that didn't work out.

Only other option is going home for lunch but he still would have had a morning of feeling ill due to the smell and I don't drive and walking is difficult for him (he has eds and gets a lot of pain and fatigue) so it would be counter productive .

You are right op. My son was a very fussy eater do I decided he would eat what he was given or go hungry. I didn't last a day as I couldn't bare to see him hungry so just gave in!

Can't he sit in a classroom for lunch, far away from the kitchen? If he was a child in my school there would be teachers/LSAs who'd volunteer in a flash to supervise him, and a friend to keep him company, maybe on a rota. I feel sorry for him and foryou too. Sounds like you've got a lot to contend with and can't blame him at all for his fear of food. Does sound a little like asd to me too. Hope he's feeling better this morning.

Can't he sit in a classroom for lunch, far away from the kitchen? If he was a child in my school there would be teachers/LSAs who'd volunteer in a flash to supervise him, and a friend to keep him company, maybe on a rota.

This is what my DD2 did in her first school. She has AS and couldn't cope with the sensory environment, people touching her food, etc. I had to point out to them the folly of expecting a child to learn on an empty stomach and hint about safeguarding because it's not appropriate to make it impossible for a child to eat.

She sat in the classroom with a friend. The lunchtime supervisors could see into the classroom from the playground, the teacher spent most of the lunchtime in their setting up for the afternoon and, when she had to be elsewhere for the while lunch hour, a TA would find something to do in there instead.

It isn't unreasonable to ask them to do this. Expecting him to eat in the medical room is the same as sending women to bf in toilets. My DD could never have coped with the germs thing either.

when you say underweght, do you mean it is a clinical worry, or that he just needs fattening up a bit in your opinion? What centile is he on, oe what is his height & weight. Your tea did not sound very calorie rich to me?

Ds weighs 3st 3lbs. Not sure what his height is.

At birth he was 75th centile and at his last check at hospital about 18 mths ago he was 25th centile. He is skin and bone, all his ribs are visible and his hips/pelvis are very visible he looks dreadful. He has neocate advance for calories but is so fussy with all other food.

Sorry forgot to add, although I don't know his height he is quite tall, not tallest in class but taller than the majority.