To have sent ds to bed hungry

[Edenviolet]

After he refused his 'disgusting' dinner.....

Bit of background- ds1 has severe food allergies, is underweight and gets migraines often triggered by strong smells/ certain food. He refuses lunch at school most days and is ravenous when I collect him.

Today he had breakfast and lunch of his choice- porridge with sugar and strawberries for breakfast and chicken fingers, plain pasta and cucumber for lunch.

For dinner I made him a jacket potato with a bowl of beans, bowl of tuna (he likes food separate), a salad of cucumber, carrot, red and orange pepper, a glass of water and some natural soya yogurt with fruit for pudding. He took one look at it and said he wouldn't eat it and wanted something else. I said no, it was that or nothing and he burst into tears.

I know he was hungry and I feel horrible, he went to bed upset but he has been getting so fussy recently over food and that was a meal he's eaten before but has now decided he just doesn't like.
He tried asking for biscuits before bed and I said no, I feel mean but can't keep pandering to how fussy he is.

My relationship with food is ok.

I think you did the right thing Hedgehog

monkey I don't think a dietician is going to help here - this is food he can & will eat. Just because he has problems with certain foods doesn't stop him being awkward.

Sounds like he was knackered if he fell asleep so quickly.

Hedgehog I think some people are being rather unfair. You did what you felt was right. So that was the right choice for you. I hope you on better tomorrow. I think it was a good suggestion somebody else made to include your ds in preparing meals.

I truthfully think you made a bad call tonight.

Have you tried getting him involved in cooking dinner? My DD is only 2.5 but she helps me cook dinner most nights. If it something she can't have any part of she helps set the table. I started doing this after a chat with my HV because my DD wasn't eating great.

I usually have smoothies made that she has with breakfast and if on the odd occasion she struggles with her dinner I give her a smoothie instead. I also always offer toast for supper if she hasn't eaten well that day. I know it is frustrating. With regards to the him not liking the soya I can understand. I'm not overly keen but adding other things like fruit etc may make it more appetizing to him.

I don't think it is purely down to it being a case of fussy eating. He seems to have some issues with food, getting a negative reaction from you when he refuses something could actually be more harmful than good. I read somewhere once that although it's not ideal you need to keep the calories up, you can supplement nutrients/vitamins but if a child is underweight your main focus so be on calorie intake. Keep offering new foods, try and make it fun but don't make a fuss if he declines. Will try and recall the book I read as I found it very helpful.

It can help to keep a food diary - over the course of a week it is easier to see how much food they actually eat. This makes it a more rational evaluation when they refuse to eat 1 meal. You know that broadly speaking it won't hurt, or that actually if they are refusing a lot, being a bit kinder when they say they are actually hungry.

With regards to the soya I meant to say blended fruit. It changes the taste entirely where as chunks don't.

I think you did the right thing. I have a friend who was fussy as a child, his mother completely pandered to his demands for biscuits and chips for so long that he developed a full on food phobia and lived on next to nothing for the next thirty years.

Unsurprisingly, it has has a massively detrimental effect on his health, it affected every area of his life because his diet was so limited, and when he finally felt able to try and beat the phobia it was a monumental effort that was incredibly difficult for him to go through.

He genuinely believes it could all have been avoided if his mother hadn't given in to his childish demands.

He does enjoy helping cook and dh has made a huge effort baking bread and things that ds can eat as he was upset he couldn't have crusty bread (never any ingredients on it) so they've been baking white/whole meal/seeded loaves together.

Ds loves going to the butchers with dh to choose meat and they often make pies/casseroles etc so he has had plenty of positive encouragement to try new things that he's helped to prepare but he has been so fussy recently.

Hopefully like many other things it's a stage he will grow out of.

I think you did the right thing. I give my dc's a choice of breakfast, couple of lunch choices and dinner is a family meal with no negotiation. If they don't eat it, they go hungry.

If he refuses food as part of a process of further restricting his diet you're not going to do him any favours by going along with it. You don't want him to end up living on milk and biscuits and your reaction tonight was your way of trying to prevent that happening.

It is good news that he felt hungry and wanted to eat later. Some children just wouldn't.

Could you have saved the meal and offered it to him reheated later when he was asking for food? I know that may seem like pandering to him but he refused his meal in an effort to get different food. By allowing him to change his mind later you are not giving in because the food hasn't changed.

It's hard enough to stay detached when a healthy child refuses food. It must be doubly hard for you in these circumstances. Don't allow someone who doesn't understand the issues and emotions involved get to you.

I feel very very bad now.

Poor ds woke up a while ago being violently sick, we have just spent quite a long time cleaning ds up and wiping down the bed and walls. He obviously didn't fancy his dinner for a good reason.

Don't feel bad. You didn't try to force it down his neck. He obviously needed to be in bed.

It's good in a way because he wasn't refusing food in order to reduce the range he ate.

I hope he makes a fast recovery.

Ah well, lesson learned Hedgehog, and good on you for coming back to update - very brave given how people have laid into you.

FWIW, I do think you were a little unreasonable, because it's like you pandered to the fussiness to an extent (separate bowls for food types etc) and then drew a line in the sand, but it must have been hard for him to understand where that line was, and why.

I think I'd have a super-boring back up option for when he refuses a meal - obviously it's impossible to suggest when I don't know his allergies but if it were one of mine I'd give something like plain toast, a banana and milk, or a bowl of (plain, non-sugary) cereal.

Hedgehog. I think people have been very harsh. I live with a fussy eater and it's tough. You have him something he likes and has eaten before. There must come a point when you draw

Oops! .... A line in the sand and say enough. I recently started this with my DD (4 months ago) and it has been effective - she knows she needs to eat what is there because other food will be forthcoming. It is always stuff I know she likes and can eat, and she's moved from 5th centile to 25th in 4 month.

Why do people have such a problem with food being served in separate bowls? Lots of people find food less appetising when it's mixed together.

My girls have AS and we often serve beans on toast as toast with a bowl of beans, etc. I know other families whose children feel the same but don't have Autism.

I don't see this as being any more fussy than people not wanting mayo on a burger or wanting their boiled eggs runny rather than hard. It isn't contributing to a restricted diet.

Thing is, if he had eaten he would still have been sick. You weren't to know. Sickness bugs can come on at lightning speed.

Now you know you are 'allowed' to cosset him a little when he feels better and you can start over. Don't feel too bad, just cuddle him. And I agree with providing a super boring backup option, good tactic.

Hope he feels better in the morning...

I do think his allergies do make his food choices more understandable...I think it must be a constant battle ..

You weren't to know he felt guilty...I am guessing from your post this is not the first time he has simply refused food..Maybe a little more subtle if you haven't made a stand..eat one food item try a spoonful of each then you can have milk...

Hope you both get some sleep

My (NT) DDs prefer their beans in a bowl and their toast or bread separate and I don't see this as a big deal - good point, Goldmandra. My DH likes runny eggs and hard eggs but can't stand in-between eggs. To each his own.

Don't worry, we've all done it- shouted at a child being awful or got cross when they've refused food and it turns out later they were sick or ill and you feel terrible. I've certainly done it.

In future, I would have a back-up meal, as in a very boring thing which you always have in- like bread and cheese in our house, and that's the only thing you can have if you don't like your dinner. I have one child who eats everything and one very fussy child, I don't think it was my parenting, and if the fussy one doesn't like the dinner (having tried it, got praise for trying it and she does in fairness eat a lot more stuff now), then she has a cheese sandwich as a second option.

I don't feel this is 'giving in' and even if it was, I don't want battles over mealtimes and 9 times out of 10 she will eat the dinner, but the 10th time she has the sandwich.

I also let her put out her own food out of bowls, there's nothing like being confronted with a whole plate of food you don't like to really make a food avoidant child anxious.

But in this case, your little boy was ill, you weren't to know, hugs all round.

It is hard to deal with a child who can't or won't eat. My DD has bulimia. She's 3st 4. She's got a nasal-gastric drip in and is in a eating disorder unit.
I cannot make her eat, the nurses can't, the doctors can't. Hence why she has the drip and is in the unit.
I'm sorry your ds is ill hedgehog. I hope he feels better soon and his eating habits improve .

"In future, I would have a back-up meal, as in a very boring thing which you always have in- like bread and cheese in our house, and that's the only thing you can have if you don't like your dinner."

I would second this. In our family - DS very fussy as a toddler, DD not at all - the 'other option' was a 'cheese' sandwich followed by an apple. A meal at least as balanced as what was on offer as a 'whole family cooked meal', less than 2 minutes in the making, but sufficiently boring not to be a desirable choice (hence 'cheese', which DS tolerated, rather than ham, which he adored). Had to be eaten at the table with the rest of us, getting down with the rest of us too (to avoid it being chosen because it was quick to eat).

Combined with massive praise for eating even tiny amounts of new food, this 'low pressure' option did work for us eventually, along with all the things the others have suggested like cooking and shopping for food. DS had toddler diorrhea for several years, probably due to intestinal problems after a severe tummy upset, and was dairy allergic for a couple of years, so I am convinced that some of his food issues were around some food making him feel rotten or him fearing that they would.