to be angry about this snooping

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To be shaking with anger that my parents have opened a letter from DS’s senco. It was handed to them in person at school collection in a sealed envelope addressed to DS’s parents with a message to give it to us. They have resealed it in a new envelope and readdressed it to us. I should not be that surprised as I am aware they have snooped on my sisters and other relatives including searching their hard drives but I am so upset. What would you do?

I don't understand why you say you have no other blood relatives, but mention sisters...? (I desperately hope this is not an awful question, due to your having lost them!) If you do still have sisters, and at least one DN, you do have other blood relations, and can afford to give your parents a shock over this. Given their "form" with the hard drives, perhaps it's time!

However, if you don't quite dare cut off completely over this, you could always put it as a trial separation. You wouldn't feel so much that resuming contact was backing down, yet you could, equally, decide that the trial has been a "success"

Dromedary - I really don't know why. Some of it is boredom in retirement but I can remember incidents as children that have really stuck in my mind. I can vividly remember my mother feeding the neighbours cat and whilst doing so nosing through their whole house, in drawers etc. I was really young but still remember it. It may have impacted on my character as I am unable to be friends with anyone who is not 100% trustworthy and I could never look at anything of my husbands to the point of almost looking disinterested for fear of being nosy and cant even do facebook. No idea why people would be so nosy even about their neighbours coming and going and almost about strangers! Anyone have any insight on what causes this. Is it discontent with ones own life? When I was a child my mother would have been very busy so it cant have been lack of things to do.

dayshiftdoris – agree letters from senco are very sensitive and could either worry grandparents or be something i would not want gossiped about. Would you cut contact in this situation even if your DS had no other blood relatives? I have never left my parents in my house without me or given access to my computer, they have never had a key as often as they have asked to water the plants whilst we are on holiday!

Plucachange – To clarify re blood relatives - there are none on my DH’s side of the family, he doesnt even have cousins or aunts and uncles! On my side there is just my sister who lives the other side of the world, almost as far as you can go and does not have children. I do have aunts and uncles and cousins in the UK whom I could perhaps build a relationship with (although none are within a 4 hour drive) if I cut contact with my parents but am unable to do both as my parents have cut themselves off from them all and I think they feel I am unreasonable to stay in contact with my parents. Sorry I was just trying to simplify it rather than go into distances and family fallings outs. No DNs if that is my nephews and neices. The child I mentioned being expelled was a cousin of mine (probably partly explains why my aunt has no contact now). I have only met the cousin once. It just feels to me that there is no one else DS could have a regular family interaction with and certainly not on a regular basis other than perhaps via skype.

You don't have to go full no contact. You do however need to confront them.

However you do need to sit them down and explain why you'll NEVER be able to trust them to do a school pick up or drop off ever again. In that conversation you also need to point out that their intrusive nosey gossipy behavior has ALREADY damaged other extended family relationships and that it is NOT NORMAL. Tell them it has impacted on your ability to stay in touch with people too. In your shoes I'd suggest they see a therapist to address their behavior too.

In future do not make excuses for not allowing them to water your plants when you go away- tell them why they are not allowed a key. With some people boundaries have to be spelled out in black and white, as otherwise they just do not "get it".

Send a (typed address) letter to yourself at your parents address. It should reach you unopened but it won't so when they open it it could say 'Ha, ya nosey fecker! Still at it I see, just like with the SENCO letter that was addressed to me! FAIL! PS. We need to have a conversation about boundaries.'

I'd be very tempted to go no contact but son's feeling would stop me - would definitely not allow school pick ups though

I don't see them changing. I would write to them very clearly about why what they do is out of order and how you feel about it and that you will not tolerate it in future, and that you would therefore prefer them not to do school pick-ups anymore (I can imagine them trying to chat to your child's friends or their parents to glean information, even). I wouldn't cut contact though - just ensure that contact is at their house or out and about.
I would be a bit worried about them trying to get information about your private family life from your child, though.
Are they likely to do anything with that information, other than gossiping about it between the 2 of them? That is an important question, I think.

I would say nothing. Just request that the school post letters to your address or hand them to you in person.

If they mention anything regarding the contents I would ask them why they have said that and then say the matter has yet to be resolved, so no news to report on that front.

Repeat the no news message until you want to tell them anything.

Apologies for the questions about the "blood relatives", (and for getting cousin/DN mixed up!). It must have seemed like another example of the sirt of nosiness you are so sensitised to. In fact, the more you have spoken about your parents'/mother's long-term nosiness, the more damaged you sound. It is awfully sad that you recognise how uninterested you might appear, in your own husband, because you are so reluctant to "pry" into matters of his life. Does he know you suffee from this conflict?

Maybe you are afraid if cutting your parents off as you think you will always feel that alone, but oerhaps if they're "gone", you won't need to hold your boundaries and shields so hard agsinst the rest of the world, while habing plenty of experience in putting up walls if any nee people do impose!