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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about this snooping

108 replies

photo927 · 01/02/2014 15:08

To be shaking with anger that my parents have opened a letter from DS’s senco. It was handed to them in person at school collection in a sealed envelope addressed to DS’s parents with a message to give it to us. They have resealed it in a new envelope and readdressed it to us. I should not be that surprised as I am aware they have snooped on my sisters and other relatives including searching their hard drives but I am so upset. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
photo927 · 01/02/2014 15:52

Balloon slayer - do you think I should end my grandsons relationship? I am so tempted if only he had other relatives. Cerisier - they have never been left alone in my house or had access to my computers so no chance to snoop here.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 01/02/2014 15:53

No of course not.

(apols btw for assuming you asked them to pick him up).

But you could say "no I don't want you picking him up any more" and if they ask why, tell 'em.

Joysmum · 01/02/2014 15:59

I agree with you OP but at the same time, you did post this in AIBU and not the relationships section.

teenagetantrums · 01/02/2014 16:02

I wouldn't care if my parents opened at letter in that situation, i suppose it depends on your relationship with them, I would be telling them about the contents anyway, don't most letters say to the parent/carer, i suppose they were the carer at that time. I pick up my friends kids from school sometimes when shes working she always tells me to open letters in case it is something she needs to deal with that day.

PollyPutTheKettle · 01/02/2014 16:04

YANBU. I would say something such as WTFlike suggestion but I guess you need to weigh that up against their likely reaction. Re: ending the relationship. That would depend on how that would affect your son. It's a huge decision with far reaching consequences and seems over the top TBH but I am assuming there is more of a back story so may depend on that.

Original poster
photo927 · 01/02/2014 16:06

Teenage tantrums - I might not have minded if they had opened it and left it in the original envelope and said they opened it just in case or even that they opened it by mistake. It is the lying by rewriting a new envelope that I cant come to terms with. I think I have to end contact as it is not fair to let my son spend time with people I don't trust even if they are family.

OP posts:
Original poster
photo927 · 01/02/2014 16:06

Teenage tantrums - I might not have minded if they had opened it and left it in the original envelope and said they opened it just in case or even that they opened it by mistake. It is the lying by rewriting a new envelope that I cant come to terms with. I think I have to end contact as it is not fair to let my son spend time with people I don't trust even if they are family.

OP posts:
thegreylady · 01/02/2014 16:07

I agree yanbu to be angry. I do regular pickups and often find letters which have been addressed to dd and her dh in the bookbags.I am always curious but I would never open the letters.What I do is remove letters from bookbag and give to dd. She usually opens them on the spot and tells me what they say-if she didn't I'd probably ask (if I remembered). If she didn't tell me I'd accept it.

BabyMummy29 · 01/02/2014 16:08

That's totally unacceptable - you just don't open anything that is addressed to another person.

Would they think it was OK for you to open their letters?

thegreylady · 01/02/2014 16:09

I think, however, it would be wrong to end contact over this.Tell your mum how you feel but she has done nothing to harm, endanger or influence your child. She loves him and we all need as many people who love us as is possible in our lives.

diddl · 01/02/2014 16:13

I'd stop contact tbh.

They sound awful.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/02/2014 16:14

A typical school letter handed out at home time, no privacy issue.
A sealed envelope addressed to the parents, no earthly reason to rip it open other than nosiness. Intrusive.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 01/02/2014 16:17

Yeah it would be lying that would piss me off. You have to let them know you know, carry on but proceed with caution. The trouble with this is that they may carry on in their ingrained way and just hide the evidence in the future, 'Letter? What letter?' Sort of thing. It's hard but you need to definitely let her know that you know and that find it unacceptable. See this as the first strike I guess. Sealed envelopes should be sacrosanct really though, that's why they seal ffs.

WitchWay · 01/02/2014 16:17

Rude in the extreme to open other people's post without permission.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 01/02/2014 16:19

YANBU

that is disgraceful behaviour, as you say it is the lying and covering up that is so deceitful

They clearly don't respect your boundaries and they have broken your trust. It is very difficult to trust your child to someone when they have proved to be untrustworthy on other matters

I would confront them now you know the truth, if they admit it and apologise I would continue with contact but no more school pickups. If they continue to deny it or get angry and try to turn things around on you I would stop contact until they could behave like decent trustworthy people

WitchWay · 01/02/2014 16:23

Re-sealing it in another envelope & re-addressing it is really sneaky too, as if they didn't want you to know they'd opened it. If they'd had a quick look to make sure there was nothing urgent & passed it to you open it would have been better.

asmallandnoisymonkey · 01/02/2014 16:24

I can't believe anybody thinks it is ok for someone to open mail addressed to someone else. Not only that but to then cover it up and lie about it? Are you mad?
You might have lovely, open relationships with your parents or people that occasionally care for your children (and the OP has every right to get other people to help with her children if she so chooses -whichdidyouchoose, I'm looking at you), but under no circumstances should she have her mail opened by someone other than the addressees.

I quite like WTFlike's response actually, if you want to maintain contact. However I don't believe that keeping toxic people in your life is a good idea. This applies to acquaintances and people you're related to by an incidental confluence of biological matter. People are people and if they're not good for you, you don't have to keep them around.

You should have a think about it and come to a reasoned conclusion after considering what's best for you and your family.

softlysoftly · 01/02/2014 16:25

That's actually a very very weird thing to do!

YANBU and I would have to confront them. It's not even about it being a senco letter it could be junk mail and still be odd!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 01/02/2014 16:25

It's the sneakiness that's the issue here - how odd and a bit creepy to be honest. Have you challenged them on it?

Goldmandra · 01/02/2014 16:29

Have you ever confronted them about this sort of behaviour before?

I think I would tell them I knew what they had done, that I would not tolerate their snooping again, that they would no longer be permitted to collect my son from school and that if they ever did anything else like it again I would cut contact altogether.

If they change their ways you will all be better off. If they don't and it happens again you will be justified in going NC.

Dawndonnaagain · 01/02/2014 16:30

I have a ds of 29, one of 19 and dts of 17. I would never be so crass or rude as to open their post and would be shaking with anger if somebody had opened mine. No matter what the circumstances (other than permission) it is a gross invasion of privacy and I can see exactly how the OP feels.
I'm sorry this has happened to you OP, I'm afraid you are going to have to be firm and set guidelines and tell them they don't see their grandson unless they behave. Good Luck!

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 01/02/2014 16:30

I don't understand why you didn't say /haven't said anything. So, you will cut contact because they lied but you're teaching your child to be chicken? Seriously.youre kids to young to care about either lesson.

Man up. Talk to them. Ask for an apology. Move on.

Why is mn always going on about cutting ties...? Bunch of Prima donnas on here really.

Original poster
photo927 · 01/02/2014 16:42

I am going to speak to them about it. I posted here for opinions before I did so as I know I put more importance on honesty than some and wanted to make sure I was not being unreasonable. They will deny it and say the SENCO is mistaken as they have never apologized in their lives or admitted being wrong so I have to be prepared for the fall out it will cause. I cant see an outcome other than reducing the relationship. Yes I am sure some of the shaking is in fear of the huge scene it is going to cause as there is not much else in their life if contact is reduced.

OP posts:
Pommes · 01/02/2014 16:43

Either of my parents opening a letter would not bother me in the slightest, however what would worry me is concealing the fact.

teenagetantrums · 01/02/2014 16:48

the lying is bad, i missed that bit, some people just cant admit they are wrong, i would limit contact until they can tell the truth.