to be angry about this snooping

[photo927]

To be shaking with anger that my parents have opened a letter from DS’s senco. It was handed to them in person at school collection in a sealed envelope addressed to DS’s parents with a message to give it to us. They have resealed it in a new envelope and readdressed it to us. I should not be that surprised as I am aware they have snooped on my sisters and other relatives including searching their hard drives but I am so upset. What would you do?

Yet you didn't make mention of this in your OP, Photo927. If you want an opinion, then you have to give the facts, as this has a bearing on people's responses. If you ask for an opinion, don't be surprised at the answers you get. I am very puzzled - I'm new to this forum, does every poster really have to second-guess what the opening post really means??

Are your parents liar's also, is one a liar the other not? Is that why they checked the letter /hard drive to make sure you and others are telling the truth? People who need proof have either been lied to a lot or are liars themselves, they have no trust in others.

Pixelmum I'm not sure what was omitted from the opening post changes the fact that one does not without permission ,except in very special circumstances, open other people's mail.

Perhaps you might like to read my first post (and, indeed others) specifically in response to the OP's initial comments, before making your comment, Caitlin17. Thank you
(Other forums have numbered posts, this unfortunately does not, so I'm not able to refer to any of them specifically)

Just had a quick check, think my post is on page 1.
The OP asked for a response in her opening post(!) then didn't like the replies, yet didn't give all the facts that may have been relevant in her OP. Sometimes it is good to try to see things from all points of view

Pixel - nothing was omitted from my OP. I said my parents had resealed the letter in a new envelope and then readdressed it. I had not asked them if they had opened it. I could tell they had done this by the way they were behaving but didn't ask them as I wanted to check with the SENCO first if it was her handwriting. I didn't say in the OP that I expect they will lie if I ask them as they have never apologized when wrong in the past but that is not really relevant to the OP. What do you think I have omitted to make it misleading??

It makes no difference, Pixel. The OP's parents were wrong to open a letter addressed to her. There are no mitigating circumstances that have come out since that would change my opinion of the original post.

Do you think it's right that they should snoop into her mail in the first place?

Pixel - your post on page 1 says they were doing me a huge favour by collecting my DS. No I didn't put in my OP that it is not free child care but me letting them spend time with their own grandchild, fairly reluctantly. I don't work and value my after school time with DS. However I cant see that it gives them the right to forge handwriting even if they were providing free childcare

Photo didnt leave any relevant information out of the op. She asked if she was being unreasonable to be angry about them opening private letters and then covering it up. I have no idea what exactly is confusing you so much pixelmum

Sorry photo I x posts with you, I didn't mean to talk about you like you weren't there

My OP asked for advice in how you would handle the situation ie in approaching my parents etc. It wasn't that I didn't like the replies I just didn't like the fact that so many people automatically assumed that my parents were feeling put upon offering free childcare and that in some way this justified it. Why assume they do it every day. I would never have dreamed that this would be relevant (hence why I didn't state in my OP) that it was a very rare pick up but school had been advised that they would be doing the pick up on this occasion.

YANBU, it's totally out of order - it wasn't addressed to them!

It makes absolutely no difference whether you use them for childcare or not (and I appreciate you don't anyway) - it's just unacceptable.

Obviously, this being AIBU people will pick holes in you if you have anything they may be remotely jealous of (i.e. assumed free childcare).

FWIW - I was on holiday after my first year at Uni and my parents opened a letter from Uni addressed only to me. Then phoned me on holiday tro wring their hands about the fact that I had failed my first year.

I was on holiday, and couldn't do ANYTHING about it then. Not only that, but I HADN'T fricking failed - the Uni had lost an exam paper and recorded me as not sitting the exam. It all got sorted out but I've never forgiven them for a) the complete breach of privacy and b) ruining my holiday for no reason.

photo, don't expect them to admit what they did or apologise and don't ask or either.

Simply let them know that you are aware of what happened, as a result of this you won't allow them to collect him from school any more as they like doing and any further incidents will mean that they won't be involved in your lives in the future because they cannot be trusted.

If you don't ask for anything, just inform them of your decision, you remain in control of the situation. No debate. State the facts and leave them to digest them.

Okay, wind your necks in, and read my initial response again!

Shaking with anger might be stretching it a little, but I would certainly be very cross!
If the letter was addressed to you, then it should have been passed to you, unopened. If your parents opened and read the letter, then put it in a new envelope, they knew they were not doing the right thing, and this should be addressed!
Have a gentle word with your parents, but also speak with the school, ensuring any future correspondence gets to you first, preferably by post (or email).
Don't fall out with your parents - they are obviously doing you huge favours by picking up your son from school (presumably it is a standing arrangement). Also, I expect they love and are concerned for your son's wellbeing, so perhaps imagined they were within their rights. Handle it carefully, and you will all come out the other side

I understood from the OP that the fact your parents picked your son up from school was a standing arrangement.
If you trust your parents to pick up a child from school, then you trust them?
If not, then why do you allow them to do it? I presumed, as said in my post, that it was a standing arrangement. Now, reading these latest posts, from the "coven" (quite clearly it is not). As I previously said, however, if you do not want to hear people's views, why ask for them on a public forum???
I quite clearly stated that it was out of order for your parents to have opened your mail, and suggested solutions to try to resolve. It would seem you do not want your parents to have anything to do with your children any longer, so you do what you feel you have to do, according to your rules.
Good luck with it

Photo927 - My OP asked for advice in how you would handle the situation ie in approaching my parents etc. It wasn't that I didn't like the replies I just didn't like the fact that so many people automatically assumed that my parents were feeling put upon offering free childcare and that in some way this justified it. Why assume they do it every day. I would never have dreamed that this would be relevant (hence why I didn't state in my OP) that it was a very rare pick up but school had been advised that they would be doing the pick up on this occasion.

You did not mention it was a very rare pickup - my response might have been different. You did not mention that school had been advised they would be doing the pick up on this occasion - my response may have been different.
You didn't like the fact that so many people automatically assumed your parents were feeling put upon - I really don't think anyone said that your parents were being put upon, perhaps they assumed it because of lack of information from your OP, ie, it may have been implied!

If you ask for advice, IMO, it is always wise to give the full facts in the first place, then there is no confusion

Pixel I did read your post. You wrongly assumed they were doing the OP "a great favour" Even if they had it still doesn't excuse their behaviour.

And as for grand parents assuming "it's within their rights" What rights would that be? Grandparents do not have rights over their grandchildren (and thank goodness)

As for trusting them because OP trusted them to collect her child from school, so that entities them to be in on everything? She clearly can't trust them not to snoop. Sorry but your posts trying to justify and explain their behaviour are just silly.

OP even if you were relying on them for free childcare they were still seriously out of order.

PixelMum - I don't understand the ticking off you're giving the OP. None of the points you have raised are at all relevant. The OP asked about her parents opening a letter addressed to her.
None of the points you raised give any justification for her parents to open the letter & then hide what they did!
As an aside, we have all seen many a time when posters jump to conclusions if there is "lack of information in the OP". Isn't it better to ask the OP for clarification rather than assume?

OP - YANBU.
I'm not sure how this should be handled as your parents will deny it. Maybe have a cooling off period for a while?

Goldmandra - that sounds very sensible advice in this situation when they are unlikely to admit or apologize and DS has no other blood relatives. Thank you far better than my scenarios.

Pixel - I allow them on the odd occasion to collect from school as they want to be involved in his life and for no other reason. I guess I have never totally trusted them regarding lying but unless I cut them out of our lives I did not see a difference from his going to their house on occasion or their collecting him from school. I know they have his best interests at heart just distorted morals from my viewpoint.

Perhaps my OP question should have been would you allow your DS to have unsupervised contact with a relative whom you did not totally trust and know might tell lies but were confident would not harm them. Is loss of contact with grandparents preferable? I don't know but I know they will not be changed in their 70s. I will follow Goldmandras advice.

Thanks for all the support as it is a fine line between the drip feeding people are often accused of and trying to produce a succinct OP.

I don't think anyone has any right to open someone else's mail unless directed to do so. When I picked up my nephew a while ago I was given a letter for my sis to open. It didn't even cross my mind to open it!

it is always wise to give the full facts in the first place

It's even wiser not to make assumptions. If something isn't clear you can always ask like other people do

I would be furious as well. This type of thing is my choice whether I discuss with grandparents.... They definitely should not have opened it