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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about this snooping

108 replies

photo927 · 01/02/2014 15:08

To be shaking with anger that my parents have opened a letter from DS’s senco. It was handed to them in person at school collection in a sealed envelope addressed to DS’s parents with a message to give it to us. They have resealed it in a new envelope and readdressed it to us. I should not be that surprised as I am aware they have snooped on my sisters and other relatives including searching their hard drives but I am so upset. What would you do?

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 01/02/2014 19:10

OP Yanbu!

pixel WTF Confused ?

DamnBamboo · 01/02/2014 19:11

You did not mention it was a very rare pickup - my response might have been different. You did not mention that school had been advised they would be doing the pick up on this occasion - my response may have been different

How about, you don't make idiotic assumptions?

capsium · 01/02/2014 19:14

My parents have been known to this sort of thing. Mail for me has been opened and read 'by accident'. I don't really confront them. They know the issues.

It is a shame and counterproductive because it means I actually tell them less, I know whatever is likely to become the 'hot topic' amongst friends and family, especially with my mother. She does snoop, I think because she still thinks their input is vital, when in fact her worrying can make everything feel 10 times worse. You feel responsible to solve things to stop them worrying then.

I don't say much because I know although it is a bad decision it is one made from love. I don't tend to leave contentious stuff lying about or easily available though.

MothratheMighty · 01/02/2014 19:15

My mum, OH and I shared childcare when mine were at primary, and she had parental authority to act on our behalf. DS had an IEP.
She would no more have opened a letter addressed to us than she would have flown to the moon on a pig. In an emergency, she'd have phoned us, or acted and told us ASAP, but this wasn't an emergency.
How can you accept a breach of trust like that?

roadwalker · 01/02/2014 19:16

Photo, it is irrelevant if you asked them to pick up or not
Free childcare does not come with automatic permission to open mail

LaQueenOfTheNewYear · 01/02/2014 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueenOfTheNewYear · 01/02/2014 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PixelMum · 01/02/2014 19:21

*You did not mention it was a very rare pickup - my response might have been different. You did not mention that school had been advised they would be doing the pick up on this occasion - my response may have been different

How about, you don't make idiotic assumptions?*

How about - you read the whole thread?
Another member of the coven rears her ugly head
I started out trying to help OP to mend bridges with her parents, making suggestions as to why they felt the need to do what they did . . . really wish I hadn't bothered.

MothratheMighty · 01/02/2014 19:21

That's why I can't answer the OP's question, I'd just be astounded that it had happened. If I did have a nosy relative, I'd be very upfront about not wanting tem to snoop.

LaQueenOfTheNewYear · 01/02/2014 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PixelMum · 01/02/2014 19:26

Shaking with anger might be stretching it a little, but I would certainly be very cross!
If the letter was addressed to you, then it should have been passed to you, unopened. If your parents opened and read the letter, then put it in a new envelope, they knew they were not doing the right thing, and this should be addressed!
Have a gentle word with your parents, but also speak with the school, ensuring any future correspondence gets to you first, preferably by post (or email).
Don't fall out with your parents - they are obviously doing you huge favours by picking up your son from school (presumably it is a standing arrangement). Also, I expect they love and are concerned for your son's wellbeing, so perhaps imagined they were within their rights. Handle it carefully, and you will all come out the other side Smile

What, exactly, is wrong with this advice, as opposed to any other in this thread?

MothratheMighty · 01/02/2014 19:27

How would they cope if you were truthful and laughed at them and told them directly that they were nosy parkers?

PixelMum · 01/02/2014 19:28

So, LAQueenof theNewYear - what, of the above post, is arrant nonsense, pray tell??

Dromedary · 01/02/2014 19:33

Why are they so nosy? Do they pass the info they find out on to others (eg gossip among family and friends) or do they keep it to themselves? It sounds as though you are almost estranged. Are they desperate to be more involved with their grandson's life (or even yours)? Are they finding the semi-estrangement difficult to accept?

RandomMess · 01/02/2014 19:34

photo it sounds like their is a history of issues between you and your parents, I hope establishing new boundaries with them goes well.

MummyKnight · 01/02/2014 19:34

In my opinion YANBU for one thing opening mail addressed to someone else is wrong, it doesn't matter if it was posted or hand delivered, it's still not addressed to them so they have no right to open it. Secondly it was in a sealed envelope so that implies that it is to be opened by the addressee only as it contains private or sensitive information. Finally if they have form for this sort of thing as you state in the op then it sounds as though they think it's their god given right to know everything which it is not. If you wanted them to know what was in that letter, you would tell them.

I would definitely do as another person suggested and speak to the school and request that all post of this nature (rather than generic school mail) is posted to home and then the decision to share information with the grandparents is yours.

Good luck!

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 01/02/2014 19:47

So pixel if you don't agree with the op then that is you having an opinion but if someone doesn't agree with you they are part of a 'coven'? Hmm

Caitlin17 · 01/02/2014 19:48

Pixelmum you weren't the OP but you're doing the classic AIBU response where posters don't get the answers they like. everyone is out of step apart from you.

dayshiftdoris · 01/02/2014 20:04

Pixel even if her parents pick up EVERY day and look after him to 10pm at night every day of the bloody year they are not entitled to open that bloody envelope...

It's not addressed to them, it's not their business and it's completely out of order....

I wouldn't be allowing them to collect in the future personally.

PixelMum · 01/02/2014 20:13

IamnotaPrincessIamaKhleesi - if you care to read the posts, I did agree with the OP in the main, said so, and suggested a solution, but the little thing I questioned, I have been jumped all over. Seems you have to only agree with the majority to fit in.
This OP asked a question, and did not like all the answers she got. Why bother to ask in the first place, then?
Now everyone is questioning my comments (weirdly) even though I was initially sympathetic to the OP.
One poster has accused me of posting "arrant nonsense". Would be interested to know what, exactly, that might be. The comments in support of the OP, maybe? That would be interesting, as she would then have to take a U-turn . . . .

I had heard this place was inhabited by harridans; as a newbie, I refused to believe it at first, but unfortunately it has proven to be quite true
What a shame

PixelMum · 01/02/2014 20:17

By the Way - it would appear some other posters had the same views as me, yet I am the one singled out (even though I was sympathetic to the opening post).
Is this a trend for newbies? Is it some kind of very strange induction process to see if we are able to step up to the mark?
Hmmmm - interesting

DamnBamboo · 01/02/2014 20:20

I did read the whole thread pixel.

That's when I made my comment!

DamnBamboo · 01/02/2014 20:21

So pixel if you don't agree with the op then that is you having an opinion but if someone doesn't agree with you they are part of a 'coven'? Hmm

^

THIS

dayshiftdoris · 01/02/2014 20:25

I have read the whole thread and one poster came back again and again to ascertain that if the OP had not shared the whole facts...

And I don't agree - I would not be reasonable at all... they would never enter school grounds at all, I would lock my computer & post when they were round and ensure they didn't have a key...

I am funny about being an adult and having privacy like that... I would have gone ballistic if I am honest and it takes a lot for me to be riled...

And the fact it was from the SENCO makes it worse - those letters are sometimes bloody hard to read and quite frankly I filter for family as I want them to see my son as him, not some professionals opinion...

How dare they!!!

OP you are a much bigger and better woman than I and I think you have made the right move with regards to your plans on how to deal with it... Don't follow my lead Smile

HicDraconis · 01/02/2014 20:31

Opening the letter wouldn't bother me but then I have a very different relationship with my sons' grandparents (no snooping or trust issues for starters).

What would have me fuming is the deliberate attempt to conceal it by way of a newly addressed sealed envelope in poorly disguised handwriting. I would ask why, as they'd opened the letter (which you know they have), they tried to hide this from you? I would also think for a while about the type of contact you allow them in future. You don't want your son to grow up thinking that snooping in other people's business and then covering the evidence up is a normal way to be - that way lies huge boundary and trust issues for him in later life. I'd probably have them round for playtime visits or invite them on day trips out - but I would drop the school pickups.