to say this to my sister?

[CailinDana]

My older sister lives with my parents in Ireland while my younger sister and I live in England.
Throughout our childhoods OS bullied me and YS pretty much constantly. My parents ignored it, just as they ignored any emotionally difficult situation.
I basically stopped talking to OS when I was 14 as it was the only way to stop her bullying me and she was driving me mad (literally). She gave up on me but redoubled her energies on YS whom she bullied until YS left home 2 years ago. YS hates OS. I just feel sorry for her at this stage, the environment she my DM and DF have at home now is majorly dysfunctional and toxic. OS texted some weeks ago saying weshould be in contact more and "be friends like we used to be." (last time we were friendly I was about 5). I don't want to engage with her so I just said "of course" to avoid a fight.
She rang yesterday out of the blue. She hasn't rung me in at least 5 years. I ignored the call. Later YS rang me to say OS had rung her (YS had also got a 'let's be friends' text a few weeks ago). Apparently mum is very down and YS needs to call her, the implicit message being that YS and I are shit daughters for not being in more contact. OS is due to ring me again today and no doubt I'll get the same message.
Now, when I was depressed a few years ago I was basically told by mum and OS that I was worrying everyone and I needed to get over it.
So today when OS rings today WIBU to suggest I say the same thing to mum? And to say that if her version of "friendship" is to ring me up once in 5 years to criticise me then she can stuff it up her arse? Or am I just being petty?

no you are not being petty

you have no obligation to re-engage, and from what you've put here, why would you? block her number from your phone, set your email to reject her into your junk box or bounceback.

your OS can naff off, your YS can do what she likes but if she also wants to go NC then she might need support (being the youngest can make you always be The Baby in family dynamics blah blah, you know this anyway I'm sure!)

Nope!

Certainly not petty. But, I'm sure you know, you won't change them.

Your OS bullied you, and your parents stood back and let that happen. They were shit parents. What can they expect of you?

I think you need to keep this distance. Have you had any counselling? I would, if you can afford it.

I have had some counselling Sanity but probably do with more. I'm struggling a bit with the wholw family thing at the moment.

If you are on civil terms with DM ring her before OS sticks her oar in. If not then just carry on with your normal weekend and ignore any pestering from OS. They can play a tune but it's up to you if you choose to dance to it.

I maintain low contact with my mum as she is a good GM to my children. It's all a very fake situation and any fireworks could threaten it. I just couldn't be bothered with it. Gah! That bitch always manages to shit on everything.

DH had a similarly crap family dynamic. Different players, but same situation of bully/enablers.

He is going to some counselling now. Prior to that he had just put it all behind him, and just expected his life to improve.

He was very surprised when the counsellor blamed the enabler just as much as the bully. He had always thought of this person as having been a victim as well. Whereas I believe this person used DH as a sort of human shield.

I think it might be similar in your parents' case.

And who is she bullying now? Them! That's why your mother is unhappy. Hardly surprising, but will she listen to you if you talk to her about that? I doubt it. It will all go back to OS, and the situation could just be worse. And it will be that, even if it just means you are part of it, again.

I agree, I'd phone DM, find out how she is. But completely leave OS out of the loop. You don't need her input but it might be beneficial for your own conscience to ask if your DMs ok.

It doesn't mean you have to drop everything and tend to her, she has her eldest daughter right there. You can be supportive from a distance and that way hopefully it doesn't affect your life too much.

YANBU I really hate it when parents allow one or more of their children to bully their other child/ren because 'that's what siblings do'

DD1 can be awful to DD2 but she doesn't get away with it. In fact I told her this week that if she doesn't change her behaviour to DD2 she can find somewhere else to live. It's only low level stuff but it's constant and I won't have one of my children bullied in the one place where they should always feel safe.

Answer the phone, but talk about the weather. Whenever she's on about 'let's be friends' give her: oh, I went with my best friend to the movies the other night, did you see 12 years a slave?
'Mum is missing you, you should call more often' with 'i take it you're going away this summer?'
'You this, YOU that, YOU the other..' With oh, DD and DS are going round some friends next week, I thought I'd make some choch chip biscuits to take with them. Or: and how's your DH?

Smile. It confuses people.

It's hard not to get pulled into it all again.

Leave them all to it!. Say no, you were a bully and now I'm getting on with my life!. Karma if you ask me!.

Tbh I feel a bit of a mug because when she sent the "let's be friends" text I had a glimmer of hope she had changed. But of course she also said "let's forget the pat" ie you are not allowed to bring up anything I did. I should hsve known she was just trying to pull me back in so she could attack me again.

"forget the past

Tell them to sling their hooks. YANBU. You don't need this.

I really feel for your Cailin. Sounds a hideous dynamic.

Your "of course" text back to OS may have confused the situation though.

I agree with the other posters about contacting your mum directly adn leaving OS out of the loop. Be careful though if your mum is likely to be difficult too.

Actually I dont' see why you can't email OS to say very clearly and in one sentence "actually I don't want to be back in touch with you because you bullied me for years and I couldnt' wait to get away from you. from Cailin. Short and to the point!

I wish you well with getting something done anyway, so that you can get on with your own life and not be hassled by toxic relatives.

Could you write a letter to your sister explaining your version, write it all down then you are less likely to lose confidence and be bullied by your sister. She will have to read and digest what you have written even if she doesn't agree with what you have written.

Is your mother really a good GM to your DC? Do watch that closely.

She sees them rarely (due to distance) Sanity and is good to them when she does. Tbh it's her I feep most sorry for. She was a shit parent, yes, but she really did her best while my dad did nothing. I have no interest in him any more. She has made an effort in the last few years and that counts. She is now stuck in a hell of her own making with my dad and OS. If she couldn't see the gcs it would destroy her and I don't want that. That said, I have no intention of supporting her in any way.

Call your mum and ask how she is. Listen and then say "yes, it's horrible being depressed, you know I was a few years ago. I'm afraid I've no words of wisdom to help you get over it."

Don't talk to your OS, deal with your mum directly, could you invite her over to visit?

I disagree about confronting your OS. She is unlikely to believe she is in the wrong. It will draw you back in.

If she had come to you saying "I know I made your life miserable in the past, and I want to make up for that" then perhaps I would make some gesture.

agree, no need to dance when your sister says so

it's really hard to stop reacting, to stop hoping that this time she'll have come to realise that her actions need atoning for, you get sucked in by that hope and BAM nope you're back in the firing line all over again

(can you tell that some of us have been in v similar situations?)

OS has a habit of placing herself as our mother's keeper and loves berating me and YS on her behalf. I'm thinking if I do talk to OS I'll just say "mum is an adult, she can talk to me herself," and leave it at that?

Ring your Mum when OS is at work?

If OS answers phone ask for your Mother, nicely; if your OS starts (you KNOW what I mean by 'starts' don't you) then yes, "Mum is perfectly capable of talking to me herself" repeat repeat is one strategy.

Do bear in mind that your Mum might be colluding (horrible phrase, sorry) and encouraging, as when you were all children, so be wary, which I am sure you are anyway x