To think it's precisely this that knocks the confidence out of DD (5)

[legosteg]

My DD is in year 1 at school, and seems to be almost bottom of the class in almost every subject. There are perhaps 2-3 children below her, but none of them girls.

The school operates a system where children get points for good behaviour and good work, kindness, etc. My DD has half the amount of the other girls and feels very, sad about it. It's affecting her confidence, she thinks she is no good at anything, and I've noticed her friends are even beginning to behave with superiority around her and boss her around more, which she seems to take because she believes she is not as good or clever as the other girls.

I don't know what to do to make things better for her but I feel like I have to help her or her confidence will reach rock bottom and she's only 5.

I don't think she has a learning disability. She has similar levels of intelligence as her peers and holds the same level of conversation, but is slower to learn new things. It takes her more effort and more time to pick things up. For example, maths, reading, swimming.

She also is a fidget and drifts off and forgets things, doesn't focus for long. But as I have said, she is only 5. I don't think she should be feeling this amount of academic pressure at her age.

Her teacher says she is a lovely kind child, but she does worry about what her friends think of her. Teacher does not think she is falling behind, but to me something is not right.

Woowoo, yes and I do agree to some extent. However DD doesn't do this on purpose, she can't help it. Just the way she is, I think it's more a personality thing. She just isn't someone who keeps her bedroom spotless and is very ordered. My other DC is very ordered, so I can see the difference between them.

It must be so hard seeing your Dd like that.You could try home ed just for few months whilst looking at other schools?no need for "lessons" or following the curriculum at that age.looks like school is really affecting her,few months of building her confidence at home would do wonders.

Awww she sounds sweet.
Dd2 was a chatterbox and a dreamer,always losing focus but hugely compassionate and caring. Dsylexia was part of the reason for it. She is now in her first year at uni. Struggling bit scraping through. She is still very unfocused,very untidy and very sweet natured. Also it turned out, a very talented singer.
Hope things work out for your wee one!

You need a TA like bodygoingsouth in the class!! Some teachers like children who smile sweetly, write neatly and are quiet. My mum always was able to see past that and find the true potential in her students - something I've tried to emulate.

mysister would have never considered home schooling my kids but seriously now working in reception I am amazed at the amount of work the children do.

my older dss definatly weren't ready for school at 4, my dds were ok but for some children it's very stressful.

sweetsoulsister thank you for that. I really do try to build up the confidence, every child has great stuff in them and they need to be told that. every day.

Demented, how old was your DD when you diagnosed it?

I did take DD to a private clinic last year for an assessment as she was falling over a lot. They said she had some minor fine motor skill problems ie, needed to strengthen pencil grip, but nothing wrong or that needed follow up.

"I don't think I could spend every moment of every day with my DC much as I love them."

Nor do I. My Dh and I do quite a lot of shift parenting to avoid that. I also take the children away for a long weekend a few times a year to give him a good break (he's the SAHP)

"When do get the chance to prepare your lessons?"

We don't prepare lessons at all. Google "unschooling" or "autonomous home education". It translates (for us) as having a really rich environment, full of books and paints and crayons and opportunities to bake and garden and do stuff outside and go to interesting places, and then just be attentive to the conversations that crop up. Most people believe that this will never be enough to ensure that the children receive an education, but I am constantly surprised by the questions my children ask, the things they've picked up from goodness knows where, the moments when their play involves some pretty intensive learning about something they might well have been learning about in a formal setting at school.

"How do you cope with DC at different ages?"
Like anyone does with children of different ages. Juggle. Help them learn to take turns for your attention. Prioritise activities that can reach multiple levels (different aged children can get very different things out of exactly the same activities - not saying they should always do the same as each other at all)

"I admire home ed parents hugely, but I do wonder how one person finds the time to do it."

There are big home ed networks in most cities and big towns now, so you can do a certain amount of skills pooling, if your child is an extrovert and wants to be with other children a lot of the time. In our family, one person DOESN'T have to find the time to do it all - I make sure that I field the children as much as possible when I'm not at work to give Dh a break.

Thanks for answering my questions. Great admiration for you and your DH! My DH is only home after the DC are sleeping, and spends about half the year away so it would be mainly me.

I honestly don't think I would cope, but I am going to look at other schools.

This has reminded me of two things op. Firstly, dd had trouble with a girl who would put her down most days over small things and it really affected her self esteem. I used work books I got off Amazon and books about bullies and friendships. DD was 7 at the time, so I'm not sure if the same ones would be appropriate, but they had a marked effect on her confidence and ability to shrug off the nonsense this other child was coming out with. I used helping children build self esteem by d plummer-lots of fun exercises and thought provoking stuff-it's something they use in nurture groups.
Have the school got nurture groups running-my ds was in one and it built his confidence? A ta spent time chatting about friendships and teaching dd playground games one playtime a week, which really helped her.
Secondly, not all private schools are alike. We have very traditional ones near us, but we also have 2 that are not all about exam results, but are more for nurturing kids(very often ones that have struggled elsewhere)individually. I have friends whose kids have been transformed by these schools.

Dd2 wasn't diagnosed until she was 12!
Clumsy, disorganised, poor short term memory,shocking spelling,inability to understand puns,metaphors, jokes or any play on words.
Dreamy, scatterbrained, untidy,easily distracted, very literal interpretation of instructions.

However,very creative,loving,musical,funny.

Think you, I have just ordered that book!

And thank you dementedma, it is difficult to know if it's just her age at 5.

Just to ask, what sort of eye test has she had?

Might not be short-sightedness, may be a tracking issue which is not picked up in standard tests.

I would definitely take her out of this school and maybe H.ed while you are waiting for your ideal school.
Poor little thing, her confidence must be shot and its now imo they should be gaining confidence, not only in their abilities but confidence to try, and this will be eroded in this situation.

Op before you consider home schooling, you should review some aspects of your DD's behaviours which you have identified as perhaps having an impact.

This happened to my DS, was always a very confident happy boy, but when he went into year 3, really lost his confidence in himself and with his peers. We tried to sort it out with the school, not interested, so we moved him to a new school, the difference is amazing! Our ds is growing daily and he is really starting to believe in himself again and had respect amongst his peers, so glad we changed him.

Definitely look into new schools, so you have the option ready.

I'm glad things worked out so positively for your DS. What was it that triggered the change in year 3, did you get to the bottom of it?

It sounds v much like you don't think Home Ed would be right for your family - have a look at the Home Ed boards though, as it does sound like you think you'd have to recreate school at home and follow the curriculum. I have found it much easier home edding than when my dc went to school - it is mainly me as dh works long hours. I have 3 DC, and the juggling is hardest but do-able, I think it is part of having small children rather than home ed. I find being with my DC 24/7 easier than when I had a break from them during the day, as things are much more relaxed, and when they went to school I was getting the worst of them. They're also getting to an age where they do things that I drop them off at (activities, clubs, play dates with Home Ed friends) and we get together with other families onformally too so I do get grown up conversation. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a break when it comes, but we find down time together, and I have some quiet time when they're in bed, and we can do what we want when we want with no pressure...if we're frazzled, it's a quiet day of stories and painting, etc - it's not for everyone, but wonder if you'd do it temporarily whilst you look at your options? Maybe you'll like it and want to carry on, maybe you won't....but would give you some time with your dd to help rebuild her confidence?

Another Smug HE-er here!

I think I will certainly look into it. At ages 6 and above, do you have to make sure you are covering what is being covered on the national curriculum? For example, let's say you don't teach them their times tables, wouldn't it be a problem for when they do re enter the school system?

Are you planning on you DC returning to a school and at what age group?

Lovely post above from bodygoingsouth, what a lovely TA.
OP, I hope that things improve, she sounds like a lovely little girl, and it must be hard seeing her confidence being eroded.

That sounds very sad, but I have heard it many times before at schools that have rewards for "good" pupils, which leaves those who are not quite 'there' yet to feel like failures, which then becomes a vicious circle. (lack of belief in themselves, causing even worse results, and more failures). Esp at such a young age, it makes me very sad that they have to bring that competitiveness. It's not healthy. =(

It is a very lovely post and full of good advice, I've just read it again. Thanks bodygoingsouth.

You don't have to follow the national curriculum. By law, you have to provide an education that is suitable to the age, ability and aptitude Of the child, and to any sen they have, in school or otherwise. In other words, you the parent remain legally responsible for your children's education, whether you send them to state school, private school, Internet school or no school.

School teachers find it really really annoying when home educated children re enter the school system with big gaps that all the other children have already learned about, and already being way ahead of the class on other things (which can be equally irritating). If you want to be terrifically popular with such teachers, then it is worth keeping a weather eye on the. National curriculum (we don't at all...) home educated children can also find the whole lining up/ whole class being told off for something that only a few children did/ having to sit down and listen to something that they already know or aren't interested in/ time wasting/ eat, defecate and urinate on someone else's timetable/ having to defer to arbitrary adult authority evn when it is self evidently lunatic aspects of school a real challenge. But that's got a lot to do with family dynamic, I guess (if children are used to doing things on adult agendas and timetables, and submitting to parental authority even when they don't agree with it, school isn't a challenge; if not, then it's just one of the things to have careful conversations about if they go to school, in the same way that you can have a converseation about how x y z is fine at home, but the rules are different at granny's house).

Firstly I would like to say that you sound like a great and aware parent. If this happened in my sons school he would have had any love of learning knocked out of him by now and would be as sad as your daughter. He knows he is slower than the other kids and when we do homework together he is really down on him self and I have to do lots of praise and building him back up. However his school is great - really good at giving stars out for different things and doing a star of the week. I think my DS may be dyslexic as am I but the school won't look into it until y3 - I may get an independent diagnosis but again some places say you have to wait until child is 7. Given that you have tried to address it with the school to no avail I think your idea of looking at other schools is your best bet - good luck.

sweetsoulsister
One bit of advice I have for you is to make an appointment with the head and very calmly, professionally but firmly present your case as to why this system is proving detrimental to your daughter. Why is the whole class aware of how many points each child has received?

namechanges
In schools the squeaky wheel gets the oil so get yourself up there and talk to them

I agree very much with these posters. I think it's awful that aged 5, children are able to compare academic progress through sticker comparison. As a parent, I don't think I've ever been aware of how my kids ranked in their class at primary school (only in relation to the national standards they give out at report time). I do remember lots of stickers in the first few years - mainly for behaviour such as sitting still/staying still in line!

OP, please see the head and persuade the school to change/tweak their reward system. No child should feel demoted by it and no child aged 5 should be in a position (facilitated by sticker counting) to compare themselves academically, in this way, to their peers.